I last posted here about two years ago, with a thread in which I announced that I was "not TG after all." At that time I had not crossdressed for two months. I had been living successfully as a man without the intense anxiety, chest pains, and mental noise that had previously plagued my male persona.
In the interest of sharing data that some of you might find helpful, I am back with a status report.
I was successful in resisting any form of crossdressing for approximately 14 months. During this time I did, nevertheless, look at pictures and videos of myself as a woman and I fantasized a lot about crossdressing. Although I still had fond memories of my experiences as a woman, I was now having rewarding relationships with real women. I did not regret my decision to quit crossdressing.
Then, after 14 months, I was confronted with the monumental task of having to review, in only one weekend, two years' worth of material in preparation for a crucial exam. (As a man, I am an incorrigible procrastinator.) I found it impossible to study because of my anxiety, and I had no time to spare. I could not use alcohol to relax, because it would impair my faculties, nor anti-anxiety pills, which would put me to sleep. The only timely solution was to crossdress and temporarily become a woman again. As in the past, my female persona calmly and methodically took charge. She accomplished the studying with amazing concentration and stamina. Thanks to her, I passed the exam.
Since then, I have privately crossdressed a number of times to accomplish similarly stressful tasks. However, I have not gone out in public or to TG meetings. Nor have I done anything to enhance my passability - such as shaving body hair, plucking eyebrows, or applying nail glue - because I do not want to leave any evidence of crossdressing.
I'm still not sure whether the "real," internal me is male or female, or whether I'm "bi-gender" or what. I am currently able to enjoy being a man, although thoughts of crossdressing keep returning.
I decided to post this update because we can be misled by initial reports when we don't learn how things turned out later. One of my inspirations to transition had been the story about Mike Penner, a sports writer for the LA Times, who gained wide attention when he decided to become "Christine Daniels" back in 2007. Now I have read that "Christine" has mysteriously disappeared and "Mike" has returned.
Best wishes,
Me
