So first a short (OK, probably a long-winded) introduction. I am a GG who never identified as FTM CD, trans, gender-queer or anything else. Yeah, I was a tomboy growing up. My mother needed a crowbar to get me into a dress. But that was just me. Three years ago I met my SO through eHarmony. After dating for about 10 months, I found out that he was a MTF CD. I wanted to be supportive, so we did some girls nights out:
(from May 2008)
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...95#post1305795
After that, we both started taking some gender identity quizzes online. Christin (my CD's femme name) always comes out on the 70-80% feminine side. I, on the other hand, come out on the 50-60% masculine side. In other words, I'm literally sitting on the fence of gender neutral. I really think I could live either way. Anyway, we soon started going out as Moses and Christin:
(June 2008)
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ad.php?t=84489
(September 2008)
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ad.php?t=90444
(October 2008)
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ad.php?t=93032
(May 2009)
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...d.php?t=108357
(June 2009)
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...d.php?t=109544
(December 2009)
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...d.php?t=123116
We also still do girls nights out, depending on my mood. Just for a little more background, I am in the military (and have been for almost 15 years). I also have a 13-year-old son. I am a single mom (dad?). If you have any questions about my background that might help you give advice, PLEASE ask. I'm not good at keeping secrets!
Soooo...get to the point, right?
All of the things that have been happening with Christin over the past couple of years have brought back a lot of memories from childhood. I recall, for example, that at the age of about four or five I was REALLY CONFIDENT that Santa Claus was going to bring me a penis for Christmas. I could even picture the box it would be in (like all the other Fisher Price toys). Weird, huh? I bet Freud would have a field day with me. I always played with the boys, too. We would build forts and dams and army, ride bikes, conjecture on how to blow things up, etc. I never owned dolls, unless you count GI Joe and his cohorts. But that just made me a tomboy. At least that's what I thought. In light of everything I know about Christin's life growing up (since being a tomgirl in Texas in the early 70's just wasn't an option) and her sense that something just wasn't right, maybe it was more than that.
Anyway, moving on to my dream.
Thursday night I had a dream that I was in some kind of self help/dance class. We were all standing in front of mirrors doing some kind of combined self-actualization/dance move. Apparently I was doing it wrong and was being dressed down by the instructor. The dream flashed forward and everyone was sitting at tables. I was really upset. The instructor was shouting at me about the chicken and egg situation:
WAS EVERYONE TREATING ME LIKE A WOMAN BECAUSE I WAS ACTING LIKE ONE (on the verge of tears because I was being yelled at), OR WAS I ACTING LIKE A WOMAN BECAUSE EVERYONE WAS TREATING ME LIKE ONE?
At that moment I woke up with such rage I could barely hold it in. I wanted to hit things and throw things and shout at people. I get so upset at being called ma'am when I am wearing a suit and tie or even a tuxedo. I can understand the confusion of a t-shirt and jeans, but a tux? Come on.
Up until that moment I had always told myself that my anger over the ma'ams was just my fear that I was going to blow Christin's cover by failing to pass, but clearly I have my own issues.
Over to you, peanut gallery...