I talked to one of our members on the phone yesterday for the first time. She started off calling me Julie. I wasn't dressed and I said, "Well it's Jim now. I'm not dressed."
There was a time I wanted to be called Julie no matter what. I thought of myself as Julie regardless of dress. But my comment was said sort of automatically because that's how I felt. When I looked back at that I also realized I haven't dressed much at all lately. I did a week ago Friday but haven't since.
After the divorce, when I had the house to myself, I would come home from work, shower and then don girl clothes. No makeup, no wig, no enhancements, just clothes. It felt good. But lately it's like I can't be bothered.
Last night I decided to 'force' myself to get dressed and go out. I've never had a bad time dressed and I knew it would be fun. So I showered and shaved (Boy! I needed that! Apeman was emerging!) then was about to start with my makeup when I thought I'd call Dawn first to see what she's doing. She was just staying home, not feeling too well, but invited me over. "Okay, I'm coming!" In an instant I completely forgot about dressing. I put on my guy clothes and headed out the door.
Today I'm still in guy mode and have no inclinations to dress. Yeah, I've been through this before but every other time there was this guilting myself out of it. I felt I 'should' stop because of my wife or the kids or whatever. Regardless of the reason, I felt a lot of internal pressure to not dress.
But now none of that exists now. I can dress when I want and no one will be hurt by it. All the guilt is gone, completely. So this lack of desire to dress is, maybe for the first time in my life, genuinely unaffected by any external pressures.
I actually wonder if this is a new stage in my life.