All,
I have been wearing pantyhose since I was 6 years old but I never done much more until about my teen years where I dabbled at times with wearing shoes and a skirt and it was very sexual related. However, I never really seemed to have needed much more over time. There were times I thought about what it would be like to be female or have had fantasies about being abducted by aliens and turned into a female but these were brief and those urges and thoughts would go away. No matter what though, I was still very much addicted to pantyhose… as you would say, I have a pantyhose fetish but not really a cross dresser except for only a few times a year.
My male side is very masculine and I am even a tough guy… I am a biker and look and act the part as no one would suspect that same guy goes home and puts on female things. My SO of the last 3 years knows I wear pantyhose and occasionally shoes and a skirt and is very accepting of it. In her mind, I like some female things but I am her man and she was happy about that. It was always with the understanding that as long as I dress from only the waist down she still can SEE her man.
However, over the last 3 months everything has changed…. Something has really taken a hold of me and I am striving to be more like a woman. I am getting urges to take it further and even look fully like a woman. Even though I had bouts that may last a week or 2, this has went on for 2 months. I cant stop dreaming of being a woman. I want to feel everything a woman does and even did research of if hormones would help…. (too risky so I wont go there). I want breasts, I want to be able to look passable and feel pretty. I am afraid of my SO rejecting this much and wanting to leave me…..
Here is the shocker! I opened up to her about my feelings last month and she is encouraging it to develop!!! She painted my toe nails, we shopped for more shoes and skirts and she even got me a couple of bras. She told me that maybe it would help to have a female name and we picked Maria this past week. She told me to become the woman I want to be and as long as I accept myself she will accept me…. She only has 2 requirements. I do not make love to her while looking womanly (even though she likes it when I wear pantyhose in bed) and I do not try to live as a woman, that she wants to marry a man…. I can TOTALLY understand her feelings on this. But she keeps telling me to not hold back, to allow this woman inside of me to come out and be herself.
Here is the problem… My brain is all messed up. I started to take anti-depressants also about 2 months ago and if anything they seem to be making me think clearer on many things, but I am feeling this pull so hard to the feminine side that I cant relax. If anything they may have encouraged my feelings more toward the feminine side. So much so, I am hating my male clothing and the only way I truly relax is when I am dressed in femme. I hate putting on my male things now… this has never been a problem in the past. I am excited about fully dressing but scared…. I never dressed more then the waist down unless it is Halloween. I do not ever see myself trying to talk female or try to act, its more about my inner feelings… to feel as a woman in as many ways as I can. I am 41, will be 42 in a couple of months….
What do you girls think has happened to me? I am really confused about this urge and why its taking me over by storm. Was I always female and male and just needed the anti-depressants to “wake me up”? Does anyone have a similar story and found a way to accept yourself and relax? I really would like some solid advice…..My SO said, Ill feel better once I learn to accept Maria and even though she claims she will, I am still scared of her (Maria) to some extent…. The next step is shaving off my go-tee and getting a wig…. But I do not want to sacrifice my male looks either.
I just do not know what to do…and why I want to be a woman. I use to look at hot women and desire them, now I am jealous of them and wish I was one or admiring her outfit and wanting to wear it too.. I want this to go away…… Can someone do a “Jedi Mind Trick” on me and make me not want to be Maria anymore?
Thank You
Maria