Support

[Tamara Croft]

Why don't I post anymore in this section? because being an administrator I get that thrown in my face as soon as I post, doesn't matter what I say, I'm an admin and I should know better. So those that constantly said it got their request, I stopped posting on the board all together and now just sit in the background doing admin stuff, I'm not allowed to be a member.

[DAVIDA]

Screw em Tamara!
I have ALLWAYS been interested in your opinion!
I really like it when you call down someone who is being an ass!

[Sandra]

Tamara I too have had it thrown at me..."you're a moderator you should know better" all because we disagree or speak some home truths. I am a member here and have just as much right to express my opinion as anyone else.

[Danni Renee]

First, I hardly feel qualified to comment on this thread - some of you have thousands of posts and I am barely over 100!

However, I think that is one of the issues. We are all at different places in our journeys and the GGs and FtM are on entirely differnet journeys so some tension is normal. I sometimes feel like I am a 1st grader trying to talk to high school seniors about my issues and I expect there to be some negative reactions simply because I am new and others have already been in my place and moved on. So frustration is a normal reaction, both when a relatively new member comments on a more experienced member's thread and when an experienced member comments on a newbie's thread.

I think the same applies to GGs and FtM posting on MtF and vice versa. There are topics that are common ground but because we are on different journeys and at different places in our journeys it can be hard to completely relate and when the frustration sets in, things get negative.

But the solution is the same as we all learned in school: do unto other as you would have done to you and if you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all.

P.S. One thing to remember is that it is difficult for a person's tone to be properly reflected in the words they type in a post. My SO uses many emoticons to let me know how she intends things to be taken and I think there is a distinctive lack of tone or tone indicators in most posts here leading to misinterpretations.

[kimdl93]

I'm not sure I have anything new to contribute to this discussion,but I'm going to throw in my 2 cents worth anyway. I thin that there's as much GG support as one could reasonably expect. And as others have pointed out, there's not really much here that is relevant to an FtM. But my point would be that "support" isn't necessarily limited to people offering encouragement, empathy and consolation. Support can and often should be a reality check, a wake up call, a seemingly harsh criticism. And as a discussion group we should expect and encourage debate. With debate, there can be misunderstanding, heightened emotions, ill-considered remarks, hurt feelings and wounded egos. As far as I'm concerned, that all falls under the broad definition of "support".

[Phylis Nicole Schuyler]

Here! Here! Denise69. Excellant point. We need more viewpoints of GG because that will help try to understand what thry see when told that their SO is a crossdresser.

[Transformed]

We really need to welcome differences of opinion.

To just be happy with opinions that agree with us we become closed and no longer grow as people.

We can learn more by listening to those who disagree with us rather than seeking shelter with only those who share our viewpoint.

It's a good topic to discuss.

I welcome the input of GGs, It is me who is looking for a GG to accept me which must be difficult. I need to do my part by making that easier and to do so I welcome and grasp on to any advice, as difficult as it may be to hear.

It would be a shame to drove the GGs away.

[Lucy_Bella]

Why don't I post anymore in this section? because being an administrator I get that thrown in my face as soon as I post, doesn't matter what I say, I'm an admin and I should know better. So those that constantly said it got their request, I stopped posting on the board all together and now just sit in the background doing admin stuff, I'm not allowed to be a member.

I wish you would post here more often... Would love to hear more from you rather than doing Administrator stuff all the time..

[lizlizzie]

My spouse is M2F. For me, the cross-dressing is a very different situation. So I don't really have much to contribute, except to sometimes respond to comments about how many bras I own or something similarly general to women.

I have posted in the M2F forum and just end up frustrated, angry, and with wrong information. It feels that there are several persons who do most of the posting and everything is their way and anything non-conforming to their transition experience is attacked as posing, not really trans, or otherwise just being told it can't be that way. I have learned over the past 2 years there is a lot of misinformation, which for a spouse makes it even harder to be supportive through my husband's transitioning. And those same persons make me feel as if I am less of a person because in a relationship I believe I should have the right to express my needs too and that both parties have to compromise if their goal is to keep their relationship. There have been some very thoughtful responses, but the majority have pretty much told me that I am not truly supportive, that everything must be about the transitioning spouse and nothing can be about me, and it doesn't matter anyway because if my spouse really was M2F, she would be interested in men and be pursuing SRS as her ultimate goal. For my own mental health and for the betterment of my relationship, it is best for me not to try to understand by posting questions in that forum.

So, I stick with the FAB section where we don't have to agree in order to be supportive of one another and we accept that while we have commonality it doesn't require conformity.

[Babeba]

I thin that there's as much GG support as one could reasonably expect.

Support can and often should be a reality check, a wake up call, a seemingly harsh criticism. And as a discussion group we should expect and encourage debate. With debate, there can be misunderstanding, heightened emotions, ill-considered remarks, hurt feelings and wounded egos. As far as I'm concerned, that all falls under the broad definition of "support".

Honestly, I don't think I really need 'support' from the MtF forums anymore, I just come in here because I love talking. However - that's not the case for the majority of active GG posters at any one time! They rotate through faster than I think many of you realise. It is pretty damn daunting to come here as a brand new GG and try and learn about what the hell this cross dressing thing is all about.

I've got a thick enough skin that when I see someone has slammed one of my posts I don't really take it personally, but the thing which really hurts me a lot to see is when a new GG joins, posts a handful of times about her personal life - often having absolutely no one to turn to in real life to help them sort through something life has thrust at them which is confusing and new at best and a devastating emotional betrayal at worst - and stops shortly after someone (generally MtF of some sort) rants at them from their own narrow little ideological viewpoint, or their own particular bug bear about cross dressing.

I really feel that the most important thing to do first off when a new GG posts is to make her feel welcome, and let her know that she's not alone and that there are others out there going through the same thing. It's also important for her to see CDers and transpeople as REAL people and not just horrible caricatures. Open-ended, non confrontational questions might help her start to see things from the SO's point of view - and it's only after they start to feel settled - say, 20 or 30 posts in - that some of that "harsh reality" MIGHT not completely scare them off and put an end to them trying to understand their spouse.

What it boils down to is, would you like for the world at large to accept crossdressing to the point where no-one bats an eye at a Transwoman going about her every day, or a crossdresser going on their first tentative outing, or even a guy dressing up in a skirt? Then to get to that point, the people on this forum are going to have to be a lot kinder and more tolerant of those people trying their damndest to start to understand what makes you all tick. Until a new GG can reasonably expect to be completely, seamlessly welcome here, then I think the world at large gives as much support as MtF Crossdressers can expect.

You know, maybe THAT'S the key as to why some MtFers seem to think FtMs have it easier. They're just more welcoming, and get that reflected back at them.

[ReineD]

I post in here all the time and I don't personally experience many problems although some members can be catty sometimes. But, I agree with Babeba. I hate it when we have a new GG in Loved Ones who posts about her difficulties in coming to grips with the CDing, and some members will regurgitate all their own frustrations onto her. It doesn't take much, just one or two members who do this, to make this GG not want to post in the public forums any more.

I do want to thank the majority of you here, who are very kind and supportive to our newbie GGs.

Another issue is, if a CDer is having difficulty with his wife but then a GG comes in and sides with the wife, it's sad to see some CDers jump down her throat. The CD might instead take the time to question the GG if he doesn't understand or agree with her post, to hopefully gain insight as to why she feels this way since doing so might help him resolve the issues with his wife.

The worst is when CDers or TSs feel that GGs are being irrational b*tches when they are not completely supportive of their husbands. This is hard to take, for the GG who is here ultimately because she wants to learn. Learning takes time and if she feels her opinion is not valid or respected, she will stop posting and she will walk away with a less than favorable opinion of CDers (or TSs).

[RebeccaJ]

Personally I truly value the opinions of all, but especially GG's. They provide insight that you could never get from another CD as they see the situation through a different lens. I learn a lot about myself and how my wife may feel from their views and as such find them invaluable. Even if the views are different, it provides an opportunity to step back a little and reevaluate. Although a new member I was lurking for some time. I am very impressed with your comments ReineD and appreciate your postings and could not agree more with the posting by Babeba...Thank You!

[Engendered]

I thought I'd reply again before the topic disappears from consciousness.
It's obvious that quite a few GGs have had bad experiences here, where they feel like their contributions have been marginalized or at the worst felt like they were being attacked for expressing a view. All the replies here condemn that sort of behaviour, as it should be, but I think further to that we should make more of an effort to step in if we see something like this happening on any topic in the future.
This goes for both sides, as I've seen some GGs dismiss CDs in a "you have no idea, you're not a real girl" way (without using those exact words of course). It's clear that both sides can have their view of CDs or SOs tainted by their own personal experience and can project that unfairly in broad strokes. If we can all express our views respectfully, and not dismiss each other because we live at the opposite side of a coin, and if we can stand up for anyone unfairly treated like this, then I think it would gradually encourage more and more people to express themselves. I will keep an eye out and make a personal effort if I can anyway.

Too long, didn't read: "Let's all chip in and make an effort so that this sort of thing doesn't keep happening here".

[shesadvl]

I've only been lurking here for a short while. Through the fuzz, Many times I've seen the rants against GG's and others who speak out against the thread. It mortifies me everytime. Having been down the road of hiding, lying, deception and non-acceptance, because of my OWN actions. I have no right to be bitter and angry towards anyone who speaks out in differing opinion. Having a truly accepting SO, has been so uplifting for me, emotionally and spiritually I would never dream of betraying her trust. To the GG's who have been burned at the Stake here, I apologize. Not for the actions of others, but for my own inaction to respond. To Renne, Sandra and the multitude of other girls who post ops regardless of how they know it will be responded to. Thank you. Your insight has proved useful I'm sure to many of us. To the Naysayers and bashers, Buck up, put your big girl panties on and realize this is a place for all.


Thanks,
Denise

I was re reading through this thread and I applaude you Denise69 thankyou & others for your observations.

To the Naysayers and bashers, Buck up, put your big girl panties on and realize this is a place for all.

footnote: I wish Tamara would get back into posting here, but I understand her comment on why she does not post, I have seen some of these comments
against her, and the other moderators they are like us,... all members,... but they have a bigger stick, to keep order and sensability if you call some of what we read that