Girlfriend, you've got to get a handle on your spending habits. Your wife has just been smacked in the kisser with the revelation that you've been hiding the fact that you're a crossdresser, and yet the paramount issue in her mind is the financial aspect of it.
As usual, you are too dunny, Karren...Originally Posted by Karren Hutton
I can totaly relate to your experience although my wife didn't see me dressed, she did find my stuff. THe biggest concern for her was the hiding the secret. the money things was distant second. I wish I could give you a hug to make you feel better. She needs time, patience and honesty. Now is the time to make her feel the way you want her to feel about you for the rest of your marriage. your responses to her questions, comments and reactions will determine her long term perceptions of you as her husband. The easiest thing for me was to be defensive and stubborn and that left my wife thinking I was still hiding other stuff. Once I figured that out, it made our conversations much easier.
Good luck and keep us posted on how things progress.
You know the two of you have some other issues...start working on them. Show love and real desire to fix the marriage. And don't drown her with more information then she wants , but don't lie.
You can do it dear. Chin up, and go slow!
Em
Living with a heel in each world.
Don't bribe your wife with offers that don't hold up in the long run. You've spent the money, and she's upset about it. Purging will only result in more purchases later down the road, are going to tell her your buying again, or hide it.
No purging. You need to have a long talk with your wife. Being a CD is ingrained, something you are born with. So making promises now to try and make things easier may work for the short term, but what about a year or two or five from now?
Seeking counseling might be a good idea, but not for your CDing. It needs to be joint counseling, if y'all can't work through ALL the issues being brought up now.
And don't put off the trip. Y'all need time together as a family.
DonnaT
Awe, sorry Julie. Hang in there . . .
Nicole is right, tread careful on the therapy offer, if your wife thinks you're doing it to be 'cured' one or both of you will be hurt.. Couples counciling on the other hand, seems and i guess is more about reconciliation, learning to deal with each others differences and realising that those things do not affect a relationship thats worked for over 7 years? produced a wonderful daughter and brought happiness to many ppl..
Oh and don't purge, knee jerk reactions are never good, indeed it will just lead to more spending later.. Just lock it away for the moment..
Good luck!
I..
Hello Julie. Never having been in your situation I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. I do hope everything works out for you and your wife.
-Audrey
Julie, I am so sorry. You already received great advise. You have to understand any other blame on you, and try to calm things as possible. Hope you find your way to get out of this in the best manner.
Rachelf
Interesting, I hadn't really thought much about the financial side of the issue, but honestly, she prolly has a legit beef on that score. And to be fair, maybe you should honor her wish that you get refunds on returnable stuff. But purging non-returnable stuff sounds like a really bad idea to me -- I guess it's a predictable reaction to the shock on her part, she just wants all that stuff out of the house and her life, but I don't think I would do that until the dust had settled a bit, see where things stand after you've reached some sort of agreement on the larger issues. That would just be wasting money, imo. Putting them away and laying low for awhile is prolly a good idea.
Either way......you won't be getting laid in any other respect for some time!
So sorry to hear about your accidental revelation. It's difficult enough having "The Talk" with a SO but to have it happen unplanned is rough. Hang in there and just keep the lines of communication open!
"offer to go to counseling"
NO!!!
Dammit to hell, how many times does it need to be said, we are doing nothing wrong. Why should only you go to counselling as if you have some horrible condition like alchoholism, or drug addiction? If it was not for our perpetually bigoted society, reinforced mind you by the hiding too many of us do (I am not fully clear on this one either), we would not have to have such conversations with out lovers. It would be no different than "honey, I am a rabid 9ers fan, and have to go to every game"
Maybe the both of you should go to counseling and to a counselor that will say to your wife the things that need to be stated, both the positives and negatives...negatives that ARE brought about strictly by our narrow society.
However, this is yet another grand example of why it is best NOT to hide, and to be honest.
As far as the financial aspect of this. This kinda bugs me. I may be wrong but aren't the women the ones usually the ones spending ludicrous amounts of money on themselves? I don't know your wife, nor you, but does she buy stuff for herself without asking you if she can spend that money? I know of women that do exactly that, and royally piss their husbands off doing it. She says it is just the financial aspect and you hiding the purchases. Okay then, if that is the case then how would your wife have reacted if you said "so honey. I saw this dress I want to buy, and it cost $***.**, what do you think?" She would have been fine with you spending any sum of money on a dress. Really?
Gotta think on this one.
Last edited by Pythos; 06-02-2011 at 09:50 AM.
"I am not altogether on anyone's side as no one is all together on my side"
Tree beard. Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers.
Yes, the counseling offer is a bit tricky - not the least of reasons being that most counselors bumble their way along about like the rest of us... And, getting a "good" one is akin to winning the door prize at the bake sale...
If you go to counseling do it for the right reasons: you and your wife aren't communicating openly: you're keeping secrets and taking chances with your life and hers. Why would either one of you want to live like that?
Crossdressing? Big deal. Running the family into debt, undercutting your "rainy day" funds, spending time on things she knows nothing about and you know - by the fact that you are sneaking around - that she would not like... All bigger problems.
Another case of, "It's not what you're doing - it's how you're doing it."
If I see a dress, or, shoes that I like, I say first, "Hey, I saw this offer today and was interested in it. What do you think of these colors?" She can then say, "Well, I think that's nice... But, didn't you just get something last week?" At which point I can say, "Well, if this works out better, maybe I can send that back."
See how that goes? Everybody gets a vote and you're working on things together. And, if you're going to argue, you can do it when there's little harm done - no money, time, postage, etc. invested. Just talking....
Most of us would rather talk than play defense.
there are 2 huge components ..and they are very difficult to separate...
first off there is the crossdressing...and your feelings around it..this may or may not be a therapy issue...there is nothing wrong with crossdressing...you are a cd, and that's that...thinking it will all go away is wishful thinking at best
second and more importantly there is the relationship issue you have....there is a betrayal, a secret kept..and now discovered...this must be brought out in a way that helps you and your wife reconcile things if you are to move forward..
There has been some good info from most of the girls ie. couneling, trust and money issues, and purging. Don't get tunnel vision and only look at the near term fixes. I mentioned counceling first because that is the biggest mine field and be sure to do all your research first.
Alice
I just wanted to throw in another voice of support. Good luck to you and your wife with patching the marriage back up! If you're lucky, you'll come out stronger than ever.
Julie, you mentioned 'purging'. May I suggest a storage facility. Purging is expensive and the chances of you dressing again in the future are very great. That would be very expensive obviously.
I'm terribly sorry you were found out. My wife found out about me when she found my clothes in an apartment I was living in. Very traumatic for the both of us. This was about a month before we were married.
Last edited by BillieJoEllen; 06-02-2011 at 12:27 PM. Reason: Thought I saw an extra word
Hi,
I'd like to know how things are today , after the shock has settled a bit before I weigh in.
That said , it sounds like you maybe spending more than is necessary [ or fair ? ] on clothes. Are your Credit cards maxed?
I would return what can be returned now, keep the rest to use , and hopefully you can shop or thrift together later.
Don't lie, don't promise anything you know you can't keep.
LISTEN to her, This is all new for her remember.
See where hideing gets ya ?
I'm really sorry ,,, FOR YOU BOTH.
Presh GG
I am sorry this had to happen this way Julie
Time , Patience & Communication are the key to getting through this. A few people have suggest counselling which might be needed but I would not rush into that. You would need to find a counseller who is used to dealing with gender issues.
You wife will have a lot of questions and you need to be as honest as you can. It will take time and lot of listening to get through this.
Purging is not a good idea but maybe putting some of your things in storage out of the way until you and your wife have got through this.
Good luck to you both
You should take the financial issue with a bit of salt. While it is an issue do you really think that was what was going through her head when she saw you. She is using the financial angle to mask her true feelings of betrayal and disgust. If your relationship is to survive then she has to open up and say what is really on her mind. You need a heart to heart so dont let her sidetrack the discussion over finances. That is easily solvable, hurt feelings are not.
I want to be judged for who I am not what I am. Thank you for listening.
I'm with Pythos on the whole counselling thing. After all, what to you have to gain by it? Is your wife hoping that some shrink can "cure" you and show you the error of your ways, and make it so that you never again have a desire to wear feminine clothing ever again? That's a load of hooey. You are who you are, and this is a part of who you are. I get tired of seeing our members paraded by their wives to various counsellors, psycologists, psychiatrists, et al, as though they were some circus act that needed mending in some way. Our society needs to wake up and realize that crossdressing is just something that some guys do, and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them.
Any money found in the laundry is MINE!
"This is no social crisis....this is me having fun!"
www.flickr.com/photos/tgmarla/
I also believe that counseling/therapy can help both of you. I am talking about relationship counseling. If you two cannot communicate about your relationship and your crossdressing and expensive hobbies and whatever is on the her side as well, you will never be able to resolve issues. The counselor can be a great help in moderating and helping both of you to communicate better and to be able to see issues form both sides of the argument. If you also have your own issues regarding your crossdressing, counseling can help you understand and deal with those too. Good luck.
I had typed a huge long response on page one but then I deleted it because I thought it was way too long and preachy.
Anyway, I agree with the counseling, not specifically to either have her accept the CDing or have you "cured" of it, but for each of you to learn to communicate better and learn negotiation skills.
I also would suggest that if you have a hard time keeping the shopping under control, please keep in mind this is a separate issue from the CDing and it should be treated as such. Sometimes it may seem as if shopping compulsions and the CDing go hand in hand, but if you think about it, they really don't.
Reine
Oh no, that is not the best way for a wife to find out. That would be a horiible nightmare. I told my wife point blank. I told her everything. She was shoked only to a certain degree. I was very fearful of some other questions that I knew were to follow. I answered all of her questions and withholding nothing from her. It's the best way to go. So sorry for you that the disclosure of your crossdressing came out of an accident rather than a timed and planned disclosure where you are prepared to let her know all of who you are.
Some very good advice here. Just want you to know we care and are here to support you both as needed. You have sereral issues to address, but just that recognition is a great first step. I f you have over done it, return what you can and keep what you hold precious. Address your personal issues directly and promptly. Love your wife to death, don't overdo but be there and be rock solid as her husband right now. Be open and honest when she wants to talk. The counseling is very unpredictable so take care on that path. I think you may have seen your worst day, now go one at a time and make each one better than before .
Hugs
Michelle
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