Planning to tell my wife about CDing... Is it a good Idea?

[Ameli]

Hey Kendra,

From my experience, being open and honest with your spouse is simply the best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage. Like everything else in life, the most rewarding parts come with costs and, at least for me, confronting this with my wife hasn't been an easy road. The good news is that, after some time and a fair bit of pain and tough conversations, it has brought us to a new fantastic level that I can't believe is achievable without full honesty and disclosure. Opening your most vulnerable parts to scrutiny, and quite possibly rejection, isn't at all easy. The idea of accepting, supporting, helpful spouses isn't a pipe dream, but I think you should be ready to put in a lot of emotional energy as well if you want this type of results. In my opinion, gender diversity is such a foreign concept to the general population that it takes some time to understand. When you factor in that your spouse will likely be quite shocked and wonder what this means for the future of herself and her child, I would expect this to be a tough time. That being said, I think that is a better road to travel than to have here find out on her own. Best of luck to you and please let us know how things work out for you.

Ameli

[Makina]

Kendra,

I think it is a good idea. The more time you will wait, the more violent will be the choc for your wife. There are women who can't just accept crossdressing. But there are a lot more who 'just' have to adapt themselves to the reality. It can take time, a lot of time. And you will have to adapt yourself to the reality that your feminine side is exposed to something else, a woman, who will certainly have influence on your crossdressing.

Try to be honest about your crossdressing, but don't mix what you do and what you dream of. My dreams are more extreme than what I would ever dare. Everybody needs a secret world. Don't open the doors wide open. Try to be honest with yourself, and answer about what you will do. Even if I dream od sex change, I don't want to go to hormones in real life. The limits are the main questions.

Even before telling her, try to be coherent. If your lie was so intense that you tried to be an archetypic macho, your wife will be more shocked. If you show already you're interested into feminine things, it might be easier.

Your wife might question herself a lot about her own feminity. There is already a woman in the house, try to pay attention to it. Try to respect her limits, and if you respect her, she might respect you and your crossdressing, because crossdressing is a part of you.

Take the time to listen to her, and don't manipulate her to go back to your usual crossdressing. Your crossdressing will change and you will have to adapt yourself too. Try to respect her limits, except if she ask you to totally give up, because if you told her you were a crossdresser, your limit is that YOU ARE A CROSSDRESSER. In that case, tell her the truth, that it will never end.

[Shelly67]

I think in the consideration of your marriage and parenthood perhaps paitience needs to be the most important factor here .
Ok , you and I both know as crossdressers it'll always be a part of our lives - however even the act of sincere honesty it can also be DESTRUCTIVE .
Perhaps the greatest advice to pass on to a willing but hidden crossdresser , who wishes to be totally up front and honest to his partner , long term or not is literally test the water but to OBSERVE the reactions before totally coming out . I suggest chatting about perhaps something you've seen , either a newspaper article or a tv clip showing a trans person . Be considerate in what you say , be polite .
From then on just listen , take things into a considerate measure , don't for goodness sake keep going on about it hoping to find answears , because there is a reality here NONE of us appreciate .
No matter what , if we as people are so consumed with crossdressing but hide it away in turmoil , we ARE giving off signals our loved ones pick up on . Its only natural .
Think about that .
It causes stress for both persons concerned ...... so ..... it has to be dealt with , gently , in great respect . In truth , it simply means you are about to off set the " norm " against a solid relationship . It also brings many questions , sexuality , the possibility of wanting to go out and threaten the matrimonial privacey and safety . Especially if there are children involved . Its an undeniable fact , if you really are in turmoil as a hidden crossdresser then you must have to realise how to come to terms with it in a marital setting . In blunt reality it means once you realise there is an oppertunatey to sit down and properly HUMBLY ask for a proper heart to heart talk . Choose the moment carefully , the location private and neutral . More than anything be a man - be supportive . I'd firsty make her aware she is about to learn about a part of your personality that may upset her . Although people of our nature are truely harmless we are STILL misunderstood . Remember that . From then on , only you know how to handle the situation in regards towards your wifes personality .
IF you really are going to come foward and tell your partner all , then abstinance is also an important factor .
We have to accept , although out of the closet doesn't mean its ok to dress everyday . My wife and I have only just really gotten to a point where I can easily ask is it ok for Shelly to come out to play .
It's a very awakening moment in anyones life to simply have to accept , when we have chosen to spend our lives with someone then there occaisions when we really have to learn the most important factor of sharing a life .


Its HOW to communicate .

Bless you - good luck .

[Tina B.]

It all comes down to how well do you know your wife, how does she feel about Gays, Trans people, minority's, liberals, Conservatives, what is her attitude about sex, and real macho men, versus an intellectual quiet type, or in other words, just how well do you know what the women thinks. I've never met your wife, but I believe, people that have an open mind, and will listen, are more likely to accept, but someone that lives with a lot of preconceived notions, will not. A woman that has a thing for the big macho type, may not be to understanding, some have religious differences that cause them to be less than understanding, although a lot of churches are becoming very accepting. I told my wife, and for me, it was the best thing I ever did, there are many others here that say the same, but there is also many stories of broken marriages, some ended in divorce, some are still together, but it's never been the same since they told. Be sure, be careful, and be prepared, because it could go either way.
Tina B.

[Taylor186]

While I generally agree with what Tina has said just above: don't make the mistake of thinking that every woman who is accepting of gays, lesbians and transgender people is a woman who wants to be married to one. Those are two entirely different propositions. That being said, I agree that if she is not accepting of gays, lesbians and transgender people then she will most likely not be accepting of you.

[Inna]

Hi Girls,

I am thinking to tell my wife about CDing. I am not sure about the reaction from her but If she allows it then I can do CDing all the time and she can help me. I am not sure it can be back-fired also.

Need your advice.

Kendra

If you are ready for truth, and consequence of such go for it, if you are looking into one way street and want to get your butt in the middle of it, be sure!!! there is no backing up.........

But then, truth will set us all free, where free doesn't necessarily mean easy

[LeaP]

There are all kinds of marriages and all kinds of relationships. ALL of them, however, rely on honesty, else the relationship is built isn't real. Want an open relationship? If you and your SO agree, fine. Ditto for any other kind, including those resting on convention assumptions. You can't pretend to one while actually pursuing the other without deception and no one deserves that, as you are literally wasting their lives.

Problem is, much in relationships isn't explicit. In fact, the more conventional or culturally-mainline the assumptions are, the less discussion there is. It doesn't help, of course, that things like CD'ing and gender ID issues can lay dormant or supressed. That doesn't change the fact that consideration for the relationship - the "us" - as well as respect for your partner's life trumps your fear.

There are no guarantees. Figure out the best way to bring this up, either on your own or with a counselor, and get past it.

Lea

[CINDYO]

Kendra
I am a GG, and my husband of more than 25 years told me of this a few months ago. I had absolutely no idea. I was devestated and still am. I don't think i will ever completely recover. I have decide to seek a professional for therapy and this will be the 1st time in my life that i have ever felt off balance, directly related to this revelation. He took himself out of the closet and has put me in. I do love him but this is shocking and unbelievable. You know your wife best. My take on the topic is. if you did not have the courage to tel her before the marriage, so that she could have made an informed decision, then be selfless enough to let her have the marriage that she thinks she has. I have cried night and day, i have resumed my life on the outside but i am dying on the inside. I am trying very very hard (thus my membership here) but honestly i am not sure where this is all going to go. I feel betrayed, i was not my choice to married a crossdresser (or what ever else this may lead to) and if you tell her, again will not be her choice to learn this. I would suggest as a wife, GG, if you have had a great marriage and you can possibly go on like you have been, then don't destroy your wife, unless you think she will embrace this revelation. I so wish i had gone to my grave not knowing this, but life goes on and i take one day at a time. I hope we remain a couple but i know this will have many many lonely challanges for me, i am very very sad, i feel so insecure, and i have a great profession, great family, awesome grown kids and wonderful girl friends Despite all of this my marriage was the best thing in my life and now i fear i may not have that. who knows where my husband really wants to go with this. it is just sooo strange and unsettling. He tells me that he wishes he had never told me and i am a patient, usually open minded person, so things are just too great. really really think about this before you tell her, cindy

[Alberta_Pat]

Go clothes shopping with your wife. Hold up some adorable dress in front of yourself, and say "What do you think of this?".
Be sure that it is something you think she would wear. Be prepared to buy it for her though.

Gauge her reaction to you holding the dress in front of you. If she says anything about it negatively, you will know not to broach the subject. If she is ambivalent or positive, you can take it from there. You can then decide if you want to share your wardrobe with her.

Best of luck on deciding, and I hope it works to your mutual satisfaction.

[Stephenie S]

MHO?

Forget it. From your post, you seem to be a little over the top with this.

Look, it's totally unfair for you to want to CD "all the time", and it's totally unfair to expect her to help you. It's YOUR bag. You do it. Do it on YOUR time, not her time.

I often use the analogy of hunting, something many, many women don't like but put up with in their spouses. It's perfectly OK to have a hobby that includes going out into the woods with a gun and killing other mammals for fun. But if you let hunting completely take over your life and ALSO expect your wife to "help" you with it, it ain't gonna work. It might just turn into a deal breaker.

The same holds true for crossdressing. Your wife does not want another woman as a partner. She married a MAN and she wants her MAN. If you want to crossdress she will probably be OK with it as long as you keep it to yourself, on YOUR time. And for goodness sake, don't ask for her help. And NEVER expect her to make love to you while "dressed". This can be SUCH a turn-off.

These are my thoughts. I have little hard evidence, but YEARS of experience. At least THINK about it.

Stephie

[bridgetta]

Dont do it... i just lost my girl because of that... unless she is predisposed and interested in this type of thing,, you could seriously mess up things..

[LeaP]

Dont do it... i just lost my girl because of that... unless she is predisposed and interested in this type of thing,, you could seriously mess up things..

There's a big difference between disinterest and/or tolerance (the hunting example) on the one hand, and on the other revelations that could go to the very basis of the marriage. To take the position that one should withhold information in the latter category, whether justified on selfish or (conveniently) selfless grounds, is to justify leading a double life. Why not just have an affair too - after all, you wouldn't want to tell your wife and hurt her or lose her. Absurd. A spouse may wish they never have had to hear it, but there are some things that they simply need to know. Cindyo's story is devastating. She should have been told years ago. Instead, her life's been built on a deception, with decades now in ruins that might have had a different outcome. At least she would have had a choice. Who are any of us to decide for our wives?

Lea

[Kittyagain]

I would say the one common bond among supporting wives is the love they have for their husband and the the love the husband has for their wife. Remember that.

Go slow is what worked for me. Don't use the words cross dress since to the general populous it evokes negative emotions. My best advice is while intimate tell her how you love the feel of her panties. If things seem positive, go a little further but the key is you can back out at any time without a commitment. If you get any hint of positive she will she a burst of passion in you. Besides when intimate we all get a bit kinky.

From another thread beware of warning signs of none accepting wives. Like a wife that doesn't like makeup, pretty things and has drawer full of plain, white, cotton panties. Not a sure thing by far but might be an indicator of nonacceptance since they themselves may dislike feminine dress.



Kitty

[jillleanne]

Choose one of the following:
1. She will totally accept it and think it's the next best thing since sliced bread.
2. She will reject it totally and kick your skirted ass to the curb.
3. Something inbetween.
This is a loaded question that begs a dozen more questions that start with. 'what if?' You must measure the worst possibility because anything other than the worst is better, pure and simple. The real question you need to ask yourself is," Should she reject the idea totally, will I/can I give it up for the sake of the relationship?" It is also very important to be totally open and honest about who you are and that needs to be done early in a relationship. If the idea of being caught in a matching pair of panties and bra makes you nervous, you have alot of soul searching to do and make a decision based on the worst case scenario result. I told my gg about 10 years ago now, I am currently dressed to the nines for dinner out tonight at a nice restaurant, with her and some friends. I had no idea what my gg would think of it all and as it turned out, she totally accepts me. But I was ready to part ways at the time of discovery, so there you have it. Everyone is in a different situation and only you ultimately, can decide what to do. I don't know your situation/background with regards to cd'ing. I've been doing it since I was in my mothers womb as far as I know. I had no idea years ago that one day I would be dressed en femme and be out and about anywhere with anyone anytime, but I am. I just got tired of hiding it and reached a point where I just had to be me and screw the world if they didn't like it. Maybe you have no desire LONGTERM to be totally out and about. You may not even know that as of yet. Go with the flow, be happy inside, and if that happiness disappears, change something to get it back. I did. Good luck with your decision.

[Inna]

Kendra
I am a GG, and my husband of more than 25 years told me of this a few months ago. I had absolutely no idea. I was devestated and still am. I don't think i will ever completely recover. I have decide to seek a professional for therapy and this will be the 1st time in my life that i have ever felt off balance, directly related to this revelation. He took himself out of the closet and has put me in. I do love him but this is shocking and unbelievable. You know your wife best. My take on the topic is. if you did not have the courage to tel her before the marriage, so that she could have made an informed decision, then be selfless enough to let her have the marriage that she thinks she has. I have cried night and day, i have resumed my life on the outside but i am dying on the inside. I am trying very very hard (thus my membership here) but honestly i am not sure where this is all going to go. I feel betrayed, i was not my choice to married a crossdresser (or what ever else this may lead to) and if you tell her, again will not be her choice to learn this. I would suggest as a wife, GG, if you have had a great marriage and you can possibly go on like you have been, then don't destroy your wife, unless you think she will embrace this revelation. I so wish i had gone to my grave not knowing this, but life goes on and i take one day at a time. I hope we remain a couple but i know this will have many many lonely challanges for me, i am very very sad, i feel so insecure, and i have a great profession, great family, awesome grown kids and wonderful girl friends Despite all of this my marriage was the best thing in my life and now i fear i may not have that. who knows where my husband really wants to go with this. it is just sooo strange and unsettling. He tells me that he wishes he had never told me and i am a patient, usually open minded person, so things are just too great. really really think about this before you tell her, cindy

Hi Cindy, I do admire your honesty yet it is honesty and truth which unsettles you and pulls you in the downward spiral. What you are suggesting that instead of ultimate truth and honesty, weather it has surfaced now or was part of your life forever, such truth is the building block of love. Without it we have nothing, having your husband be untruthful in pretending the old way of life and by the same token carrying the burden and guilt within, such love is just an illusion and not true and wholesome.

I know it hurts, it hurts so much that I tried to commit suicide because I didn't want to burden my family with this pain. But have I succeeded I would had caused pain without possibility of healing. Since my painful reveal, I have experienced love which until then I could not imagine existed.

Do you love him???? or do you feel a "comfortable dependency" we often mistake for love. Our own insecurities, and guilt we have within our hearts, and believe me, I don't know anyone without such, tend to distort our reality and disallow embrace of the truth. Your husband is the same person you have known all these years, same warmth, same devotion, yet his secret, which put him suddenly into a, demented, freaky, section of the societies book of rules and regulations (another blind and unjust notion) makes him somehow different, more distant.................think about it.

To live a lie, prosperous and long life, however colorful, is to be never born. To live a truth, however painful, is to embrace true love and be alive at last if only for a moment !!!!

[Helen Grandeis]

Don't tell her thinking she may embrace it (or even be neutral) and free you to more fully immerse yourself in CD.
My reveal did not produce a positive action other than to shock me back to reality. Luckily I do not suffer from Gender Identity Disorder. I have been able to repackage Helen into a tiny closet that my wife unknowingly fully endorsed and purchased.
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It drove a stake through her heart. Luckily the first day of her pounding her fist on my chest and calling me a pervert passed quickly. We don't talk about CD (even in recent counseling) and I am careful not to display any knowledge about transgender - trans-sexual issues. I made a big deal about dropping off, what seemed to her, a large quantity (100%) of women's clothing at the monthly transgender support group meeting.
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Don't leave anything where she can find it. Don't risk her catching you. Don't go "out" in your own home town.
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Honesty is a noble ideal.
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Question your own motives. Assess whether staying married is what you want. I determined that staying in our marraige even if it it is a comfortable dependency was what I wanted.

[Tina B.]

Sorry it's been so hard on you Cindyo, but while living a lie was working for you, it probably was not working for him, I know I hated the lie, and refused to live that way.
Tina B.

[19sabrina727]

I just recently came out to my girlfriend about it and she absolutley loves it, just be slow about it don't give her to much info right up front, I. Just eased in with the fact wearing womens panties turns me on and then slowley went on from there. Good luck!!

[Kerigirl2009]

NO not if you enjoy how your marriage is going. Yes being honest is suppose to be good, but does she want to know this about you?

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kendra, Hope for the best and prepair for the worst I don't think that there is a right answer to your question.

Orchid

[Gerrijerry]

YOU WILL GET ANSWERS BOTH FOR AND AGAINST TELLING HER. Reasons to talk with her slowly etc. etc. The truth is no one can tell what will happen between you and your wife. All I can say is that for a few it worked out wonderful for some it was separate lives after. and every thing in-between for the rest. I personally think you are wishing for way to much to happen in your favor.

[Katesback]

I am not a big gambler but I would bet a lot of money on the CDs that tell thier wives thinking they will be accepting and end up in hell. I know thats the most likely situation. You yourself expressed the real problem. Telling is only the beginning of a wives hell. Thereafter it only escalates to a state she could not ever imagine. Really your dreaming to think that a wife is going to be accepting or participatory.

Katie

[giuseppina]

Kendra
I am a GG, and my husband of more than 25 years told me of this a few months ago. I had absolutely no idea. I was devestated and still am. I don't think i will ever completely recover. I have decide to seek a professional for therapy and this will be the 1st time in my life that i have ever felt off balance, directly related to this revelation. ...

It's clear to me you are having a hard time dealing with your dear sweet husband's revelation. Seeing a professional is a good idea, provided s/he is properly qualified and licensed.

Your family doctor may know of someone who does this kind of counselling. Someone who does counselling for gender issues is a good start. You may not get someone you can work with the first time. If that happens, try someone else. This is normal when seeking counselling.

Now for some red flags about things that can go wrong:
* any sort of judgment on the therapist's part
* any mention of reparative therapy in any positive manner - this is unethical as it is associated with more serious problems like clinical depression or worse
* a therapist that tries to push you faster than you want to go - this leads to breakdown of the professional relationship between therapist and client

Unfortuneatly, members of the clergy are almost never qualified or licensed to provide counselling for the sort of thing you are experiencing right now.

A positive attitude is the most important thing. You will survive this. Your marriage will change, but that is to be expected with these sorts of revelations. Let's hope this makes you and your husband closer after all the dust settles. Sure, it's hard now, but every marriage has its ups and downs, even those without gender issues in one or both spouses.

Good luck.

[Jaymee]

knowing yor partner is the biggest thing in this matter, and if after all of your time together you can honestley say that you think it would hurt yor spouse, then don't

[Tara D. Rose]

Stats show that it is not the best not the right thing to do. If life with her is good right now, then it's best to leave it at that. Why try to fix something that isn't broken.? Look how unhappy I am for telling my wife, look how unhappy MoMarie is with her husband, and so many more. It's a beautiful concept, but most times, crossdressing and marriage do not mix. ........oh my...another one bites the dust