Since joining this forum back in March, I have slowly but surely become obsessed and consumed with crossdressing (moreso than I previously had been, that is). Although I have been a crossdresser my entire life, until joining the forum, I had not ever knowingly communicated with another crossdresser, or like-minded fellow pilgrim, within my life time.
In so participating here, making new friends, and reading about the thoughts and experiences of the membership, I have exposed myself to ideas, concepts, and possibilities that I had not previously considered. I quickly recognized that the growth and evolution of my femme self, unknown or unrecognized by me at the time, had become stagnant years ago. I have also since remembered parts of my past that I had long ago locked away from the prying eye of my mind. Certain powerful memories in particular, perhaps subconciously kept under tight lock and key for the past two decades, I have since dusted off, removed the cobwebs, and even written about on this forum.
Regardless, I am a crossdresser through and through. The very concept of crossdressing, in fact, and the personal sense of satisfaction and self-fulfillment I derive from the practice of crossdressing, fills a void that otherwise would consume my spirit with discontent, frustration, and disillusionment if I were to deny myself this outlet. By and through the practice of crossdressing, I feel and believe that I am whole, and likewise complete in the aggregate.
In this, the mere, simple act of crossdressing is meaningful and powerful unto itself. This act, however, if substantive meaning is to be attributed, is not possible without the desire and propensity to actually do so. Therefore, both the desire and propensity to crossdress, and the courage to cross the line and go against the grain of society's expecations relating to gender conformity, should be respected and celebrated for the gift that it truly is.
For better of worse, though, I carry both the desire and propensity to crossdress in great abundance. More than that, I have come to experience a sense of urgency and desperation that calls out to me to overtly feminize myself, to become more feminine, and to perceive myself as feminine. If I am not otherwise pre-occupied with other matters, such thoughts deeply permeate my emotions. This very tangible, visceral predilection may very well extend to the root of my being.
I am, however, a male. My body is thus strikingly at odds with this decidely feminine desire and need that recurrently overwhelms my senses, emotions, and needs. Reconciling the two has become more difficult of late, and this is of no small concern to me. My thoughts, in fact, are dominated by the possibilities, or the lack of possibilities (i.e., potential "imprisonment"), or whatever the case may be.
Although I proactively seek out the intoxicating, harmonious, and necessary sense of satisfaction and personal fulfillment I crave through dressing when time allows, I do not always choose to seek out the woman within while in drab. Rather, when she is in the background, she now persistently haunts my thoughts with inexorable whispers of feminine fortunes untold, and teases and seduces me with the prospect of feminine riches and glories yet to be discovered, recognized and experienced.
In this, am I disoriented, bewildered, or spellbound? Am I possessed? Perhaps I am simply lost, and enveloped within a temporary maelstrom of gender confusion. I do not know. And most bothersome of all to me, within the context of this confession, is the fact that I do not know what to make of it all.
Do this even make sense? Do I even make sense? I know the question has been asked repeatedly here before, but what is crossdressing to you? Is it an obsession? Or perhaps merely a hobby to be enjoyed when the mood strikes? Do you have a sense that you are travelling down a specific path, and this path is taking you further and further, deeper and deeper into the world of blessed femininity? If you have followed this path before, did you at some point "level out," and achieve an acceptable balance between the masculine and the feminine? If so, what is the balance that you have achieved, and how did it happen?