Dear Sisters,
I did it for the first time -- I went out en femme! But the experience is soooooooooooooo scary......
The trip plan was simple. I go out to a Arby's next to my hotel, get some dinner to go and come back, right? But nothing went as planned. First I get stage fright because I found out that my walk was horrible. I spending the next hour practicing and video recording my walk and almost gave up the idea of going out. However, it is not easy for me to get the chance to dress no mentioning going out en femme. So I really don't want to give up. I finnaly gather enough strength to pull open the door and step out -- I'm officially out!
It starts OK before I step out the totel. A couple of guys shared the elevator with me but didn't show any thing odd. But right after I step out of the hotel there were this guy (with all dirty clothes, homeless or something) walking by and saying "Hey you look sexy where are you gioing?" in a VERY BAD way! I got the so scared and so nervous and so self-concious after it. I managed to ignore him and went on my way. I did remember to stop at the side of the road and check to see if he followed me. This is the first time I felt the helplessness of a girl also I'm still the same guy I felt completely different.
Then I arrived at Arby's. The staffs are really nice. They know I'm a guy in dress but didn't show anything. I placed my order and waited quitely there. And these three collage guy arrived at the restaurant in their big truck. One guy kept looking my way trying to read me. Wow, it feels bad to be read. I guess he must have sensed my nervousness. Before I left I accidentally hit a emply container down and the guy just shouted out loud in a teasing way "Easy!Easy!!". The only good thing is another guy who just came in when I left opened the door for me. I guess I perhaps pass at the first glance or he's just really nice. Anyways, God bless him.
Well, if you think this is the trip, the worst has never happened yet. After returning to the hotel and get on to the elevator by myself. I finally felt relief. My stomache was aching partly because of the hunger parly the nervousness. But I thought I did it and were actually very happy that I made my "maiden" outting safely back. By the time I reach the door, I'm really in the mood to chill out and enjoy my food. THEN, HERE COMES THE WORST: THE DARN KEY DIDN"T WORK!!!!!!! How could this happen. I tried a million times and ran through a million possibilities in my head. I thought about the people I could call for help -- it's not my home but even at home I have not outted to anyone. I felt so helpless at the time. In the end I decided to call the front desk. I was hoping I don't need to come back down but they said I had to. I went pass a family on my way. And I was so panic they read me right away. They stopped chatting when I passed them. The girl at front desk was surprise when I say I need a new key because when I called I used my male voice and when I spoke to her in person I used the female one. But she didn't say anything and just nicely pointed out that I should put my key near a cell phone. The cell phone!!! I haven't get used to put everything I need in the purse!
Anyways when I come back to my room, my stomach were actually spasming and I felt horrible. I have to collapse on the ground for a while before I could recover my strength to remove my wig etc..
Now after more than a hour I finally calmed down. And you know what? I don't regret going out of the door. It's something I have to do. I hope more and more people understands what it feels like to be trans. We didn't choose to be this way. (I have tears in my eye when I wrote this...) I don't want to go back in denial anymore despite the fact that I lost my self confidence and the horrible feeling of being read and outted. I can only think about how to move forward, to be accepted and before that how to accept myself. I guess my nervousness get magnified when I thought about I'm attending a conference with people in my field. The fear of being outted is much more intense -- that's why I chose to not have dinner in the safety of inside the hotel in the first place.
Well, this is my experience of first time out en femme. There will be a second time and it will get better. Thanks for reading this long post!
Rose