[SIZE="2"]“Perhaps it’s better to die alone than to live life in eternal purgatory”
I heard the above-quoted line spoken in a movie the other day, and I immediately thought about all the many ways that marriage and MtF crossdressing go together like oil and water, if they go together at all! I mean, 50 % of the threads in this section are about marriage problems, or little glimpses into that “eternal purgatory” that marriage can be, especially for those who CD...
Before I go any further, I should mention that I am happily NOT married, but I was once engaged to be married. Yup, I actually went through a period where I wanted to ditch my deviancy and join the rest of society, perhaps burying my crossdressing proclivities for good, at least in theory. I had a chance to conform and be normal, at long last, but, alas, it didn’t work out. While I was dating and then going steady with my fiancée, I tucked my crossdressing out of sight, and it became more and more invisible over time. She was extremely feminine, liked to shop for clothes, and I could live vicariously through her, and thus at least satisfy my CD longings. I dressed like a male for her – HER idea of a male, and I had some nice male clothes. Eventually, I committed a purge of my femme “collection” – surely I would never need my girly stuff again, right? Wrong...
We broke up. Away from my beloved, my ex, crossdressing returned and blossomed – all of my participation on discussion forums like this one has come after my near-marriage experience. I came close, but if I had actually become a loving husband I wonder if my crossdressing would’ve returned at a later date, causing a ruckus within the carefully defined parameters of M and F. Reading the various cries for help in this section from MtFer’s drowning in their marriages, I think I would have become one of them! It’s obvious that the urge or need to crossdress doesn’t go away, which may indicate that it is part of what can be called the “soul,” and thus undeletable. Your very life is at stake – you MUST dress, but nearly everyone you meet wishes you wouldn’t, or hopes that you won’t. Apparently crossdressing is some kind of sin, and this brings us back to the idea being in a kind of purgatory whilst married...
I think it’s safe to say that we are programmed to get married and raise a family. If this is not in our DNA, the idea is implanted at an early age and then reinforced at every turn – society wants you to be fruitful and multiply, probably because it benefits the artificial framework that keeps us in line, i.e. civilization. He who deviates from these guiding precepts is a menace to society, and true freedom, inferred but not proffered, only amounts to lip service. I want to be reasonably free and enjoy life, so I look upon my non-attachment with a certain amount of satisfaction – it certainly helps my crossdressing, in fact I can CD to my heart’s content, which happens to be the reason why I do it in the first place. When I read about someone trying to crossdress within a marriage, with the inevitable angered spouse completely unaware of it, or WHO she has married, I feel a little better about being single, and I feel sorry for the poor misunderstood crossdresser...
I suppose it’s like bringing another woman into the relationship, and this just won’t do, unless the wife (or SO) is aware of crossdressing, and aware of the need that some males have to crossdress. It sounds like someone may have to have grounding in psychology to understand male behavior, but crossdressing even baffles the crossdresser on occasion! Surely the spouse can understand the need for pleasure, or relaxation, or relief, or joy, so why is MtF crossdressing such a big deal? I get the feeling that, no matter what form it takes, or no matter what language you use to describe what comes naturally, you will, by rote, be seen as a sexual deviant. It’s just not in the implanted human handbook to encounter such an unexplainable thing like crossdressing – a male willfully tosses away what he should grasp with his STRONG arms, and act in a manner that is consistent with his gender, or a female’s opinion of that gender, as he just tries to make himself (briefly) a little more comfortable...
Is it a sin to crossdress, so you are obligated to NOT do it for the good of a marriage? Is it really all that bad? Let’s say you live a long and happy life, married, but you’re always wondering what might have been if you had taken that other, less-traveled path. You wanted to be accepted, right? You wanted to do what everyone told you is RIGHT, correct? If you crossdressed once upon a time, marriage may be a way to expiate your sins, cleansing your soul of this deviant desire you once had. Settling into a marriage equates to atonement for crossdressing – you are now where you should be, where everyone expects you to be, and there will be no more nonsense, OK? You are now in purgatory, a state or place of temporary punishment, coupled with remorse, able to reflect on what was, or what could have been – they (outsiders) have made it crystal clear that crossdressing is WRONG, so you must pay the price by removing your true “self” from the equation. Sounds good (I guess), but SHE must be obeyed at all times. The other she, the she you are, also must be obeyed, lest ye perish, dear friend. What to do?
I know there are many successful marriages where crossdressing is incorporated into the mix and even flourishes on occasion, but other marriages seem to suffer from lack of information, or a full-blown betrayal of human reality – some males must dress, period, just like everyone needs to do something that brings them pleasure, or helps them to express themselves, or just allows them to get through the day with one’s sensibilities intact. Brother Theodore once said that life is a kind of affliction, and the only way to cure it is to not be born at all. “But who is as lucky as that?” he would add. Crossdressing, MtF variety, is a way of dealing with this affliction of existence – if it could only be seen in this context, I think many wives would be able to welcome the “other” woman into their lives, or at least achieve some sort of mutual compromise...
I’m glad this will never be a problem for me, but the downside of being single is that I will die alone. There is no wife, no SO, so therefore there will be no children, plus I am the youngest one in my dwindling family. I can see my end just over the horizon, and I will be alone, a man with his thoughts, probably wearing panties for comfort. But, will I die alone? Isn’t SHE within me, or beside me, or a part of me? I let her out to play many years ago, giving her form and substance, and she has accompanied me on all my adventures, often taking the lead when the dogs of society were at a safe distance. Also, I am not a purgatorian, meaning I don’t believe in the doctrines of purgatory – I am solely responsible for my life, and my purported shortcomings, so I dress up as often as I can. I don’t believe I am committing a sin for doing so, but, in any event, there’s nobody around to disagree with me! I wish you well, my married CD friends...
Tell me - is marriage satisfying for you, or is it like a kind of purgatory?
BTW, I was once the “other man” in a love triangle, and you need to know that I have a healthy respect for marriage – please don’t get me wrong! I’ve observed many, many marriages either up close or from within. My main concern is the plight or subjugation of the MtF crossdresser within a marriage – on one hand, he’s doing what is expected of him, but on the other hand, he’s doing something he’s very much NOT expected (or supposed) to do, namely dress against his gender in a situation that obliges him to do otherwise. Either way, he “can’t get no satisfaction.”
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