I finally realized this doesn't work for me, and that it is time to back out slowly. I've never tried to pass and haven't come out intentionally to anyone but one close female friend. So glad for that, anyone who never asked while they had a chance will probably never get that chance. Time to put the genie back in the bottle, I'm a guy and would rather live as one.
I think I can turn back, the pain and confusion of living a life I can't share has finally come to a screeching halt, though. I don't see myself purging, that would be difficult because I don't have anything truly male to wear. There will also be issues with things like underwear and such. I don't really like boxers, briefs or going commando. I was able to get where I am now, and can only hope I somehow managed to leave a trail of bread crumbs so I can find my way back
I'm just going to back away from this. There are parts I will miss greatly, but the ability to put this away will give me the confidence to go places I haven't gone in years, like on a date for instance. So much easier not to anticipate a time where I might need to tell, and it may be easier to explain a life I walked away from if I ever feel a need to.
Thanks to all who post here, I really have learned a great deal from all of you. I probably will be back to visit from time to time. I also realize that many find a way to make it all work for them, but I don't think I will ever be able to get there.