Gender confusion

[Marleena]

I'm reading quite a few threads about people struggling with this so I'll attempt to shed a little light on this for new members. Everybody is welcome to expand or comment on it as I'm not an expert but "been there done that".

I think at some point many question on who and what they really are. Quite often it's the dreaded pink fog clouding issues. TG or transgender is usually the word members use when they've gone beyond being CD. It's the point where one begins to lose the erotic nature of dressing and begins to take it more seriously. That could mean going out in public or starting to live as a female.

Therapists will tell you that being CD/TG is your normal. There is no need for intervention until it begins to cause stress, anxiety, depression or affects your quality of life. If you accept this side of you you'll be fine. If not seek out a gender therapist.


Only a small minority will be TS which is a good thing and you should've known early on in your life. The classic answer: female trapped in a male body. If you want, enjoy, or need to be male you most likely fall under the CD/TG category.

Some things that might help.

* take time away from here and all the hype (pink fog)
* do not diagnose yourself with online tests
* do find a support group
* don't over-think things

Everybody has different coping skills so what works for somebody else might not work for you.

Fire away!

[Jennifer W]

I agree Marleena. I am a male. I am not a female trapped in a male's body. I don't wear wigs, make-up or try to pass. I just like women's clothes. I mostly underdress. Therefore I am a CDer! And happy as I am.

[Kate Simmons]

No need to "fire" my friend. I take everyone for who they are as a person, that is the person I can respect and appreciate. Whatever the gender premise is ,is secondary in my book. It wasn't always this way and I worked long and hard to put all of my feelings under one aegis, so can express myself either way at any time, regardless of presentation. The way I look at it both males and females are both woman or part woman, so why not enjoy it? Works for me my friend.

[suzy1]

I have been a member here for some time now and I have read a lot of posts related to this subject.
Unfortunately I have also seen the dreaded pink fog do real damage to a member’s life.

Is it me or is there a small minority here that encourage everything from going out dressed to full TS, taking powerful drugs and having there bits cut off! [Sorry but that’s what happens]
I am full of admiration for the truly TS members that go the whole way and I am full of admiration for the members that go out dressed.

But your advice Marleena is something I would like to see every member read and think about.

Good thread girl.

[docrobbysherry]

I do not now, nor have I ever identified as having felt like a female.

It is said because I dress I'm trans. Yet, I don't feel like I am. More like I have this unusual, erotic hobby.

All of which begs my question:
So, why? Why has it become so important? Why is it such a compulsion? Why is it still so much fun after so many years? Why do I enjoy hanging with T "sisters" rather than old friends? How long will I continue down this strange, isolating, and secret road?

I don't expect any answers, Marleen. Just talking into the wind!

[Jenni Yumiko]

I will say being active on these forums escalates the pink fog, ESP since there is so much don't do it, repress, DADT, in real life. You just have to be able to not confuse what others do as to what applies to your life.

[UNDERDRESSER]

I am a Male, I am a fetish CDer, I am also finding a liking for "feminine" display. The quotes there are because I feel some of it should not be classed as feminine, it is by mainstream people, but in my opinion it should not be thought of as exclusively feminine. I don't think I have any interest as passing as a female, even from a distance. I want to be able to go out in a skirt, as a male. This is not because I want to flaunt my fetish, ( my dressing is less and less about that anyway ) but I want the right to wear the clothes that fit my sense of comfort, style and function, without hassle.

To those who are struggling, remember, there are many sides to gender, the physical manifestation, ( what your body appears to be ) the internal physical reality, ( are you xx, xy, xxy or some other extremely rare variant ) your mental identification, ( do you think you are a man or woman? ) your sexual orientation, ( do you like men, women, both? ) the social construct ( that which you follow, and that which you want to follow. This where I veer off a little myself )

I've probably missed a few, but these do not have to be the same, but it is currently expected to be so by most people, and that's why we get such confusion and hostility occurring in some places. It would help most people to get it straight in their own heads what their various aspects are. This can be difficult, we have to "unlayer" our own ingrained prejudices, dig down into our own drives and needs. I've seen some here say these can change, it may be so, but I think it is more a case of people learning to be honest with themselves, and letting themselves loose from deeply held rejection of what they think they are, or might be.

Once you've done this, then you can decide what you want to do about it. My own feeling is that many of us would be better off if we can at least confide in those closest to us, but this is not possible for all, without major upheavals that would be worse than the alternative.

The dreaded "pink fog" hmm, I think I suffer from a form of this from time to time, I get the urge to buy something new. It is a bit of a compulsion, I think it's a form of retail therapy. I can't do something, I can't express what I'm feeling, so buying some panties, or a skirt from the thrift shop, is a way of venting some stress I'm under. I'm not sure this is what most here are talking about when they say "pink fog" but in my case, it's no more than a lot of people do in my opinion.

And it is only my opinion, do with it what you will.

[Beverley Sims]

I can agree with Jenni's response because I see some others let the pink fog roll in.
Being on this site does add to the euphoria for all of us to different extents.
Marleena has an important message for those starting out especially.
The rest of us could read it and heed it also.
Me, I am an advocate of go slow if you want others to accept you.
Do not smother the willing I say.

[Kalista Jameson]

Therapists will tell you that being CD/TG is your normal. There is no need for intervention until it begins to cause stress, anxiety, depression or affects your quality of life. If you accept this side of you you'll be fine. If not seek out a gender therapist.

Good thread, and good point here. We often do damage to ourselves in the battlefield of our own minds before we even slip on the pantyhose or wig. I think this is a good and basic litmus test to see where we are with crossdressing being a part of our lives. If we are honest with ourselves and can look at our daily lives and see problem areas, like neglecting family, responsibility, etc., or we are stressed out when we crossdress, then more investigation and corrective steps are needed, as with anything else that consumes our time. It could just be a matter of a tune up and reordering of priorities, and not crossdressing itself.

It is true, that by joining this community, I have invested far more in my crossdressing than I have in my whole lifetime until now. I am on fire, buying, dressing up and taking pics, because for the first time I feel like I've really let Jeannie out of her bottle and am enjoying the hell out of it all. I find that I am having to pace myself and pay attention to other areas in my life more closely, so I don't end up ruining a great experience and personal high for me. So far, I think I'm doing okay and have no stress over anything, but still, I must beware the dark side of the Pink Fog.

Great topic.

Cheers,

Kalista

[whowhatwhen]

I have been a member here for some time now and I have read a lot of posts related to this subject.
Unfortunately I have also seen the dreaded pink fog do real damage to a member’s life.

Is it me or is there a small minority here that encourage everything from going out dressed to full TS, taking powerful drugs and having there bits cut off! [Sorry but that’s what happens]
I am full of admiration for the truly TS members that go the whole way and I am full of admiration for the members that go out dressed.

But your advice Marleena is something I would like to see every member read and think about.

Good thread girl.

Isn't that what RLE is for though?

[suzy1]

Isn't that what RLE is for though?

What’s RLE?

I’m thick by the way

[SuzieLod]

I am a male, but then when I dress I become female and want to express myself by being with guys, seems I have the best of both worlds

[Tracii G]

Learning how to deal with the pink fog for some can be a problem.

[PaulaQ]

I think at some point many question on who and what they really are. Quite often it's the dreaded pink fog clouding issues. TG or transgender is usually the word members use when they've gone beyond being CD. It's the point where one begins to lose the erotic nature of dressing and begins to take it more seriously. That could mean going out in public or starting to live as a female.

Therapists will tell you that being CD/TG is your normal. There is no need for intervention until it begins to cause stress, anxiety, depression or affects your quality of life. If you accept this side of you you'll be fine. If not seek out a gender therapist.

Perhaps this is what is going on with me. I am certainly confused about my gender, to put it mildly. I feel pretty severe anxiety when I'm not feeling mildly euphoric from the pink fog. I don't currently trust my feelings to reflect reality well, either the good ones or the bad ones - this is disconcerting, to put it mildly. I have absolutely no idea who I am or what I'm supposed to be. At my age, this is not an especially comfortable feeling.

[Jaymees22]

I'm sure who I am. A man that likes to dress as a woman and wants to look the best I can with what I have. Sometimes I get carried away by the Pink Fog but usually manage to drive through it. I find cross dressing a lot of fun and if starts not being fun or causing too many problems I would stop. Jaymee

[Kimberlyfaye]

I've found more and more recently that I need to escape my life. I feel I would be better as a female and I know from experience that I'm a happier, more sociable person when dressed. I still have a couple of doubts as to what gender I am but I'm now waiting to hear from a small gender clinic and once I've spoken to them it might give me better clarity. But one of my major doubts is whether or not I want to go through surgery. I still have to be certain before going the whole way.

[PaulaQ]

A question for the group - the classic question I hear for transexuals is "trapped in the wrong body". How would I distinguish this? I'm handicapped, and have been my entire life. I have always felt trapped in the wrong body - let's leave gender out of the question. I have been limited, and have felt dissociated from the body I was born into my entire life. I dislike it - a lot. It causes me real, literal physical discomfort and pain pretty much continuously, every moment of my existence. Indeed, the very earliest memory I have in this life is of just terrible agony.

How can I even be sure I'd hear the "woman trapped in a man's body" feelings over the general background noise? Because male or female, I've always been most unhappy to inhabit the shell I find myself in. (More to the point - it is uncomfortable living in here.)

[whowhatwhen]

What’s RLE?

I’m thick by the way

Living as a woman 24/7. (correct me if I'm far off)
I can't imagine a whole tonne of people going through all the BS of being a woman in society, as well as being trans getting very far unless they have no choice but to transition.

That is why I'm making sure to do as much as I can to move forward and experience the good and the bad.
All I have are the thoughts and feelings I've had since childhood, but the whole "Do I absolutely positively have no choice but to transition?" question needs real world experience for an answer.

I don't feel like a man, and I never have but if I can avoid all the pain that comes with transition I will.

[Angela Campbell]

I have known since I was a toddler that I should have been female. I fought it most of my life but I finally could not fight it anymore. Yes it is far beyond CD for me, but even still I know that a full transition is probably not in the stars for me, at least not in the forseeable future. For one thing it is very, very expensive. Coming fully out to my employer and beginning transition would mean for me a great loss of income making the cost of transition unobtainable. I could handle telling my family if I was going to go through with it but since I know I cannot then there is no need to know. Compromise for me is to live about 50% as a woman. So far I am ok with that as it is much more than I ever thought possible anyway. My fears are mostly that having heard so much from people here, and other friends who are transitioning, I worry that the situation may escalate. I do not want to come to a point where "I have to" when it is just not possible.

So far I am doing pretty well and things are good for me in many ways. I think I can learn to live this way and be happy.

[Kate Simmons]

I agree Corinne, We have to get past the "glitter" part and get down to the real nitty gritty of what being a woman is all about. I know many have transitioned and done this but I believe there are equally as many or more who really couldn't cut it. Being a woman is something a person works up to, not something that is the result of surgery. Same thing with being a man really.

[Melissa73]

I must respond to this, as this issue has been upon my mind lately. As u see, I recently found a transgender support group and I attend regularly. thing is, the majority of the attendees are transsexual, and I am the only cder. And they discuss how they always felt a woman. When I talk, I feel quite comfortable explaining that I just like the clothes of a woman.


melissa

[mikiSJ]

* take time away from here and all the hype (pink fog)

Maybe, but sometimes it is nice to know you are not alone!

* do not diagnose yourself with online tests

I agree 13,000%. They are a waste of time. Are self-fullling and TOTALLY bogus!

* do find a support group

Yep, worked for me. Thank you RCG

* don't over-think things

Some of the best advice you'll ever hear/read!!!

[Ressie]

An enlightening post Marleena. As I was looking in the mirror the other day I was thinking I really wish I was a female. It's rare for me to have those thoughts, and it's probably because I've been dressing more lately. Yes, I have fears about going to a more serious stage of dressing.

[kimdl93]

I think those are some pretty good take-away points. And although I'll sound like a broken record, its possible to live a happy, productive and complete life - as you choose to define it - and be transgendered. In my case, that means having obtained a good education, served my country in the armed forces, married, had children, (ahem) remarried, grown professionally throughout my life and having a loving nuclear and extended family. Your list may differ.

But I will acknowledge that like most of us, I lived too much of my life ashamed and embarrassed for being TG. Self doubt and self loathing imposed emotional strains and stresses on my life that didn't resolve until I finally attained a measure of self-acceptance. Then, honestly, life got discernibly easier. Regardless on where you fall on the spectrum of gender confusion...from the occasional fetish dresser to regular cross dresser to TS, as Marleena accurately defines it above, your life can be better once you learn that its not a crime, its nothing to be ashamed of and in fact, it can be an enjoyable and rewarding aspect of your life. If you're unable to make this change by yourself, be open to seeking competent professional help.

One last thought occurred to me. Perhaps I feel better about my gender identity now because I am no longer ' confused '. I'm certainly not a conventional male, but I'm comfortable with the idea that I am transgendered.

[I Am Paula]

My only disagreement here is the support group. The best group is a great bunch of non trans friends to interact with in the real world.
Granted, there must be good groups and not so good ones, but the one meeting I went to was a bunch of agoraphobic girls talking about nail polish, and hiding things from their SO's.
My support group is that huge expanse right outside my door.-Celeste