I sometimes wonder where I would be today if I'd never done some of the things I've done in my past. Take that first time when you experienced putting on a pair of panties ,what drove you do do that? Have you ever wondered that if you didn't do that life would be very different for you today?
I know as children " genders" are not fully developed and as a child my punishment was sometimes being forced to dress in my sisters clothing and maybe ( just maybe) that could have been what drove me to take that first real experience .. Or, then again, it could have been reaching the stages of "puberty" and finding that "fetish attraction" to the material and the items that you were attracted to and what they represented through those stages..
Looking back at all the phases in my dressing and never fully understanding what they represented or meant can honestly make me wonder ..Where would I be today? I think my biggest disappointment with myself was allowing this to engulp me.. It was like having an OCD but in reverse of those with gender disorders, in other words " my dressing had no real meaning"..
Which is why I hide it and it was why I was also ashamed of it .. ( there is no need for people with GID to be ashamed of their dressing you have a solid reason for the purpose of dressing)..There was a earlier post that suggested "porn" being relatively close to the fetish reason that promoted my need to dress..I've never thought of myself as "porn additive " and that wasn't the posters theory .. But was " in theory" what promoted me to dress and it was also similar to what promoted people to become porn addicts..
I was addicted to "certain" clothing and material that I tied together in a sexual way at puberty, it was to me exotic and in time grew.. At first it was every so often but the exotic experience never left me or my mind. I continued to crave it until it started to consume me and my time( more often than it should) which left me to become obsessed .. It started to become frustrating because I had no femininity and I felt no femininity so after the "show" I would fill myself with guilt and anything and everything Femme would be ripped off and quickly put away back in hiding..
Funny thing about looking back.... Was all these years I never tied this together I never new that each phase was a growing part to the addiction and that eventually it had no end sight .. I do not wanted to let it go because it has became part of me.. The puberty thrill has long past and has been replace through the phases that brought a calmer, longer experience that was a more pleasurable experience, it's embedded..
I believe " self denial" was most responsible and the lack of reaching out for help but from what I have learned it's not uncommon and people like myself tend to keep this about us private.. I don't know where I am heading now for sure ..I do know now that I have a better understand of myself which can also give me a better understanding in how I live my life, only time will tell.. I will stick around here and hope to help as much as I can other people with similar issues I faced and try not to step on any toes of others. Maybe I can make a positive impact for those who come here seeking support and not so much fantasies ( not saying anything is wrong with fantasies they are the fun part of dressing)..
Thank you for reading