Can cross dressing alone really end a relationship?

[ReineD]

If the SO perceives cross dressing as totally repugnant / morally wrong the i can't see the relationship surviving regardless of duration.

Even when this happens, there are deeper reasons that cause the rift. The biggest reason that wives find the CDing repugnant and morally wrong is because they don't get it. They think of the CDing in terms of Drag Queens at Gay Pride parades, they believe that their husbands must be dressing because they want to attract men, they believe they are not enough for their husbands in other words they think it is all a sexual fetish, plus they remember the defamatory remarks they've heard all their lives made by an unknowing media and ignorant people who in turn have gained their opinions from other people who knew just as little about variance in gender expression.

So the onus is on the CDer to educate his wife and to keep it in check until she learns more and to maintain a balance, reestablish trust, and remove the sense of threat, even if she never becomes fully supportive but instead she acknowledges that he does need to dress and she chooses to not be involved. This requires great communication skills, patience, and a marriage where there is mutual respect among two people who see themselves as equal partners in the relationship.

And how many CDers have the desire to talk at length about the CDing to their wives? How many are able to take the bull by the horns and be open and honest with their wives about their needs? How many will try to hide the fact they want breast forms or wigs, or to go out dressed? And so it's more likely that both sweep it under the carpet while the husband continues to keep some things private, while the wife continues to build up her own version of the story until the marriage's breaking point.

Admittedly, there must be some devout religious women who do think that the CDing is an aberration, but I seriously doubt this is the norm. If the marriage breaks up it is way more likely there was a failure to communicate.

I suspect, though, that the perception of having been deceived for so long is the real relationship ender.

Yes, this is a huge contributing factor as well. And if a wife feels that she was deceived, it will take a long time for her to rebuild trust that her husband is now telling her the truth and not hiding anything. Ever. And he must be patient of the time that it will take for her to grow in her understanding. And judging by the stories of people who do experience break ups, I don't think those CDers ever fully get there.

Let's not forget though ... we're only talking about a percentage of marriages that do break up over this. There are tons of marriages that don't, whether the wife is fully supportive or they agree that she will not be involved.

[Eryn]

My feeling is that if CDing alone ends a relationship then that relationship must have been quite shallow to begin with.

Relationships are multi-faceted entities, and most failed relationships fail because more than one of these facets goes bad. A CDer might be self-obsessed, a substance abuser, or be seeking outside relationships. The SO might have any of these failings as well, or they might have more respect for an outside influence than they do for their spouse. I have a non-CD friend whose 20+ year marriage is on the rocks for this last reason.

[teri222]

I agree Eryn,, very well said.

[carhill2mn]

I think that this is one of those questions that is best answered: "It depends upon the people involved". There are some marriages of 40 years or more that have ended due to crossdressing alone. There are also relationships of a only few weeks that work out just fine; ie. CDing is not an issue.

[LelaK]

If I read all the messages in this thread, does that mean I think it's an interesting discussion?

If I somehow found a girlfriend who really liked me and we got married or something like that and later she became a crossdresser, that would seem kind of horrible, since masculinity is so drab etc and since it would be like being married to a guy. But, hey, I'd get over that, if she were really my type mentally or spiritually. Now, if she then went and transitioned into a guy, that would be harder to take, but I probably wouldn't mind being roommates anyway.

Society is getting very weird. Young people these days like to dress as animals, vampires and everything imaginable. How would you like if your wife or SO turned out to want to be an animal and dress as one? So we don't need to feel so out of place any more. We'll fit in.

[MatildaJ.]

I'm with Allie here. I think people do the best they can to predict how they'll change and hope to change in ways that are compatible. But sometimes it doesn't work that way. Sometimes the changes make people incompatible. That doesn't mean the relationship was a waste of time, or that it was shallow. It just means that it ran its course, the way a friendship sometimes does, and now the two people have outgrown each other.

I like to think that a marriage can be good even if it ends in divorce rather than death. Certainly I had good relationships which ended without marriage; the fact that we broke up didn't mean that we should never have gotten together.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Jennifer. I truly enjoy your posts. You are a truth crusader in addition to bringing logic to this zoo. Thank you for all that you do.

[PretzelGirl]

I want to echo again what Lori said. There is no such thing as an absolute. I think that is something that we need to always think of when in discussions here. Now I will agree that from my perspective, the CDing is probably not the reason a large majority of the time. It does get called out more because divorce is sometimes about drama and trying to have an upper hand for the agreement. Raising the CDing is great drama and some may think it gives them the upper hand.

[Danielle_cder]

I'm going to say no, if u get divorced over just cross dressing that bit*h is pretty shallow

[Cheryl123]

All very interesting thoughts and experiences. But I wonder if it's possible to make generalizations? No individual is the same as another, no marriage is the same as another. I'm sure there are women who find cross dressing totally repugnant so I can understand how that could be a sole cause. And I'm sure dressing is sometimes used as an excuse to cover up deeper issues. People are complicated and so I guess are many divorces. But very interesting discussion!

[MysticLady]

Normal Cinderella life is destroyed when CD is put on the table. It doesn't matter what you've gone through together. That factor alone will override all the hardships and triumphs together. It becomes "the issue". At least in my case it did.

[prene]

It did for me.
I told my last 3 gf's maybe to early.
Maybe I should have waited ... but I didn't.

[rachelcdtvcd]

i know this is going to sound insane, but if your SO is completely selfish it can. while cross dressing can be considered a selfish act in itself, you also have to think that every person has "kinks" or even at worse "flaws"..if you're willing to accept your SOs "flaws" but they can't accept your cross dressing, then really, aren't they being selfish in a way? i would never ask anyone to join in if they didn't WANT to...also, it's more for myself anyway as i don't need anyone else's involvement to enjoy myself. if a SO has a problem with something i'm doing that doesn't involve her and isn't hurting her, then oh well, she's free to leave at any time. i know that sound selfish too, but i've been doing this too long and i enjoy it too much to deny myself when there are women out there that don't mind it.

[Gillian Gigs]

"The straw that broke the camels back", sounds like it was just one straw...but I find it very difficult to believe that one issue alone could break up a marriage. I see the CDing thing as being a very big looking straw, which would be very easy to focus on. Every situation is different, so what is the baggage that each person brings into a marriage. We all have baggage and it is easy to only look at the other persons baggage and say that it is all their fault, but no problem is ever one sided. If one person would leave a relationship for only one reason, I would be prone to think that someone is very shallow, or very insecure in who they are. Comments were made about getting into a really dense pink fog, and that could be a problem, let's face it if a person thinks that the marriage is all about them...then a really big problem does exist. I tend to be a, "all things in moderation", person and it is the getting into extremes that tends to get most of us into trouble.

[sometimes_miss]

Yes, yes it can. My ex and I were in couples therapy before we got divorced, and towards the end, she admitted that she simply couldn't accept what I wanted to do, and what I was doing. She had initially said during our sessions with the therapist that it wasn't just the crossdressing, perhaps because it wasn't the politically correct thing to do. But in the end, crossdressing was the one thing that she couldn't accept in her man.
While we may like to think it's not really such a big deal, we really have to remember that being a crossdresser changes one of the major things about us that a woman is attracted to; a masculine man. Once the image of us is replaced from masculine to feminine, it can easily destroy any sexual attraction she has for us. And once that's gone, it leaves a big hole in her life, and how she feels not just about us, but about herself. And that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. There can be other things going on; but there are lots of couples that survive all kinds negative things between them; sadly, crossdressing isn't commonly one of them.

[Stephanie47]

Sure, cross dressing can be the sole cause of the end of a marriage. I think society finds it easier to accept a gay man for who he is than a cross dressing man. Society finds it easier to accept a transsexual than a cross dressing man. A transsexual? Why that's a medical issue! A woman trapped in a man's body! Gay! Her was hardwired that way. A man wearing a dress? Where the heck does that come in? Huh?

As said by others, it modifies if not destroys the image of the woman's man. She was attracted to the man, even if his being was influenced by his hidden or not yet discovered desire to wear feminine clothing. Even a long term marriage may be destroyed because the woman cannot accept this aspect of him.

There is also another element in the potential destruction. I see many times the woman fears society will look at HER and find her "strange." Why the heck does she stay with him? Damn, the guy likes to wear a dress, and a bra and he does not have tits, and, heels, and panties, and makeup, and, a wig. He walks like a duck, but, he isn't a duck!

It takes a very special woman to analyze her man and accept him, even if she does not want to participate. I'm married to one!

[Tina_gm]

I would say that under certain circumstances, yes, Cding alone could cause a relationship to end. Some women are into the hyper masculinity. That is just the way it is. As good intentions as a Cder may have, and be as thoughtful and respectful as they can, that alone may end the relationship, and would likely be a cause for a relationship to never get off the ground. Of course with one that already had, that would mean the a CDer did not tell early on. So, the not telling would be a reason too I guess, but it is not telling about the CDing, so it is still definitely the same coin.

Another reason would be if the Cding changes, either from non sexual to sexual, or if it begins to progress past the point of what the CD partner can handle emotionally. So the Cding alone would then be the cause. I think too that just as a Cder may change, so too can a partner of a CD even though the CDing they do hasn't changed. For whatever reason, a partner may no longer be accepting to it.

Overall, I do believe that if a CDer does keep their partner 1st and foremost is honest and honors any agreements, there is a good likelyhood that a strong relationship will survive it. Not an absolute though.

[dusktreader]

Relationships are always unique. You can never apply universal rules to them, because each one is different. It's really tempting to try to put them into neat little boxes and make general statements that always apply. That just can't work, though. Talking about relationships in generalized terms helps you fit something unique and very intricate into your internal model of what a relationship is. However, you just can't perfectly apply rules to all of them.

While I don't think it is likely that the discovery of cross-dressing will end a relationship on its own, I am absolutely certain there are situations where this is the case. The main point I am making here is that generalizations can really help to describe aspects of unique and very personal things to each other, they just can't apply universally.

[Sandra]

IMHO yes it could, but it could also be the straw that broke the camels back where other things in the relationship are going wrong.

I'll be honest when I see a thread on here saying that cding was the only cause I tend to take it with a pinch of salt, after all we only have one side of the story.

[GaleWarning]

My ex- recently told me that she becomes a different person whenever I am around.
Bitchy, grumpy, moody ...
It got me thinking about how long she might have been feeling this way ...
Long before she learned of my CDing.
Long, long before I left.
In my case, CDing was a minor issue compared with everything else.

[NicoleScott]

Can cross dressing alone really end a relationship?

I have long advocated that cross dressing can never be the sole reason for a breakup...
... cross dressing can absolutely be THE reason for a breakup.

So, is the length of a relationship not intimately intertwined with this decision?

Jennifer asks two questions. She answered the first herself: yes.

The answer to the second question may be "yes" but if a long-term relationship ends due to crossdressing, the fallout can be worse (kids, finances, etc.) than a short-term relationship ending.
Most CDers here advocate telling a future wife before marriage. But if Jennifer is right about "a decade or two says there is more reason to stay and adjust...", new members about to marry soon might get the idea that they should keep their CDing secret for the next twenty years before revealing. You know, for stability.

[Tiki]

I know someone personally whose marriage ended in a divorce only due to crossdressing.. .

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jenn, If that's all it takes then it probably wasn't all that great of a relationship to start with.

[ReineD]

We're all debating whether the "crossdressing" can be the sole reason to end a relationship or not. So it occurs to me that the question is rather, what aspect of the crossdressing are we all talking about exactly, over which a wife might leave a husband.

Is it just putting on the clothes occasionally in private? Underthings? All-out dressing?

Is the husband wanting to go full steam ahead shortly after his wife has just found out?

Are there tell-tale signs in guy mode, i.e, plucked eyebrows, shaved body, long fingernails, long hair, pierced ears, no facial hair, etc?

What about wanting to go out in public and possibly outing the CDer (and the family)? Are there a lot of "oopsies" ... "Ooops, I didn't know our child was going to come to our bedroom because of a nightmare tonight, and see me in my nightie". "I didn't think your family would see my pic on facebook", "Well, it's not my problem if Janie's friend's parents won't allow their child over anymore for sleepovers."

What about the preoccupation with it ... does the husband chomp at the bit waiting for his wife to go away, making her feel unwanted?

The money ... how does it affect the budget and the closet space at home?

What about the openness about it all ... is there hiding and either non-disclosure or lying?

What about the time involved online, either looking & shopping, here, on meet-up sites, looking at T-porn?

And sex ... is it all about the CDer being femme in the bedroom? Does he have fantasies about being with men and the wife senses that he isn't all there when they have sex? Does he avoid having sex with wife? Does he go ahead and have sex with men behind the wife's back (a few people have said they do this here).

What about moods ... is he resentful when they have to go somewhere in guy mode and does he show it? Is there depression? Anger? Is there drinking involved?

Is he telling his wife that he feels he might be a woman and he doesn't know if he will want to transition or not?

Etc.

I have a feeling that as usual, everyone has a different level in mind, when they think of the proverbial last straw.

[Lorileah]

what aspect[/B][/U] of the crossdressing are we all talking about exactly, over which a wife might leave a husband.

Is it just putting on the clothes occasionally in private? Underthings? All-out dressing?

Probably the part where she comes home early and catches you...in bed with someone else