Hey, everyone. These are personal issues for me, and I don't usually talk about them but it has come to a point at which I've realized that I need to get things off my chest and perhaps get the opinions of others.
I am struggling with my identity. It's an age old question: who am I? For people like us, of course, it is even more complicated. Why do we dress in clothing that is meant for the opposite sex? Or to go deeper: why does society assign certain designs of fabric to people with certain types of reproductive parts? That in particular baffles me, but I digress.
Sometimes I think I'm trans. Sometimes I think I'm a "femboy." I've always known that I am different, that I don't fit into the rigid binaries of male and female, masculine and feminine. I tend to think these are socially constructed ideas with little inherent validity. But they can be useful in describing yourself: I lean much farther toward the feminine side of the spectrum than the masculine. I could not care less for sports, physical strength, etc. I like to smell like flowers and fruits. I like to be soft. I want to be pretty. I shave my body hair. I am socially passive and I am submissive when it comes to intimacy.
I have never liked my first name, and when told what my name would have been if I was born a girl, I felt a longing for what could have been. This was at an early age. I wanted to be "Christy." I hate my wide shoulders and my quickly-growing leg hair. I dread looking in mirrors. I hate when people call me "sir," or when I'm with female friends and we are greeted as "ladies, and gentleman."
BUT. I do not particularly hate my male genitals, except for the awkwardness of wearing clothes designed for people who are flat in that region. And I don't particularly desire breasts. I don't have the hatred for my genitals that my FTM friend deals with everyday, but I do hate other aspects of myself. I wish I was less tall and more pretty. Are there degrees of dysphoria? Is it possible to be transgender and not hate your genitals - to be scared of the idea of HRT and SRS but simultaneously yearning to try beginning that process?
Also, I wonder, does being MTF or FTM support the idea of a binary? Why does physical dypshoria exist if one can transcend the social boundaries of gender by doing "feminine" things or "masculine" things? Is the existence of transgender people at odds with the existence of androgynous or gender-fluid people?
I don't know. I'm interested to see what you all may have to say, but I am partly just typing out my thoughts in an effort to work through them. If you have read through all of this rambling, I am very grateful, and I look forward to your responses.