Thank you all, for your replies and private messages. It's being a big help that I'm not alone and that this contrast of feelings is normal. It's feels like hitting puberty again.
Last night, after working all day in my livingroom taping everything so I can starting painting the walls and ceilings, I went into the bathroom, put on some very basic make-up, got dressed and enjoyed reading a book as Helena on my bed. I liked it, the reflection in the mirror was friendly, beautiful, sweet and recognizable. Feeling-wise I'm not yet where I used to be a few days ago, it's like some said, it takes time to adjust when you see yourself for the first time, but I still like it like that.
I think maybe by seeing myself, I felt more of who I really am, but if that's me, that also means I'll have to come out of the closet some day, and I'm not there yet, the confrontations frightens me.
Tomorrow I'm going to have a lunchdate with a friend who knows and understands me, and on friday I have my next appointment at the psychologist. Lots to talk about.
