Coming Out Letters or Emails - no discussions please

[Rianna Humble]

Several members have suggested that we have a sticky thread with examples of letters or emails you have used to come out as TS to those around you.

If you want comments on your own letter/email, please start a separate thread, then when you are happy with your letter/email post it here for others to see.

Please do not reply to these letters or email in this thread. If you would like to comment and there is not an open thread, please contact the member by PM (s)he can then decide whether or not to start a thread.

Any comments will be deleted from the thread.

If you have any questions, please feel free to PM one of the mods (currently Rianna and Nigella)

[I Am Paula]

This is the 'form letter' part of my coming out email. I add a personal bit at the beginning, as each recipient has different needs to know.

Dear ****,

Fifty five years ago I was born, by appearances, a healthy male child. By the time I was an adolescent, I realized that life was playing a very cruel joke on me. I was born with gender dysphoria, or, transexual. To use the cliche, which still fits to a degree, born in the wrong body. This is not a psychiatric, or medical condition. More of a birth defect, that can be corrected, but not cured. About 1 in 27,000 natal males are in this boat. Transexualism does not automatically imply gay. Transexuals can be of any sexuality, just like those content with their gender.

You have always known me as a guy. I assure you, this was just an act, perfected by years of rehearsal. Undernieth, lives a terrified, lonely, and confused woman. I have come to the conclusion that the only way to live a happy and fulfilled life is to align body and mind. After doctors, psychiatrists, and therapists all agreed, I have started hormone replacement therapy, were the testosterone based male chemistry is changed to an estrogen based lifeform. This will cause some physical feminization, but more importantly, help with mental conflicts as my body and mind meld into one single feminine being. This is a long tedious process, with major changes taking a couple of years. I have openly lived as a woman for quite awhile now, only presenting as a guy when society dictates, so you may run into me in social, or business situations presenting as female. I'm still ****, the one we know and love, but my body, and presentation are different. I'm now ****, and my mind is finally properly set.

I have no idea how far my transition will go. Letting the chips fall where they may, I could someday have surgery to fully replicate a natal woman, or I may stop when the level of anxiety lessens. I realized my entire life has been a well orchestrated lie, so I'm letting some things just flow, and I'll see where it goes.

**** and I are staying together. She has come a long way in accepting me. She has seen me looking like a woman since we got married, but it's a different kettle of fish when I announced that this is not just a hobby or weird fetish, but a manifestation of who I truly am. It is shallow solace to think she has lived 17 years under a veil of falsehood, while I have had to endure 55.

If you feel disgusted, repulsed, have moral or religious objections, or if you feel you could never accept me like this, I understand. Just delete this Email, and if we see each other in social situations, just ignore me. Some people will. If you feel that this is part of the progression of life, and stay my friend, thank you very much, I will always cherish our relationship.

Celeste

[Kathryn Martin]

Clients and colleagues:


Re: Significant changes in my life
I am writing to you to inform you of significant changes in my life. You have known me as Martin ***** for many years.
After many years of discomfort and uncertainty, during which I indentified as female but presented as male, I realized that I must come to grips with my inner identity and find congruence as a person. I have recently begun transition to correct my gender expression, making myself whole as a person.
In the past transsexuals have too often been sensationalized, but fortunately we have moved into an era where the reality of these changes can be treated with dignity and purpose. I am fortunate to have the benefit of the many -- in business, medicine, academia, law, engineering and virtually every other field -- who have gone before, and proved that we are successful and productive. I am energized and confident that my new life will make me a better person and a better professional lawyer.
I have been in treatment with hormones for over six months now. Beginning the middle of May, 2011 I will begin presenting as a woman full time. My legal female name is Kathryn *****.
I am including with this letter some materials for your information, which will help you better understand my situation. I will be most open and honest to discuss with you or answer any questions or address any concerns you might have.
Having come to know you professionally, I am confident that we will be able to deal with this change in a professional manner. I appreciate your understanding and support in this venture for me. I believe in people, and have already discovered depths of understanding, wisdom, and humor that I long feared did not exist.
Sincerely


Kathryn *****

29 December 2010

To professional partners:


Re: Significant changes in my life
I am writing to you to inform you of significant changes in my life, and this letter is one of the most difficult I have had to write.
After many years of discomfort and uncertainty, during which I identified as female but presented as male, I realized that I must come to grips with my inner identity and find congruence as a person. Beginning in 2009 I began seeing a psychologist and gender specialist. I have been diagnosed with intense gender dysphoria and I have recently at the recommendations of my medical advisors begun transition to my correct gender and gender expression, making myself whole as a person. I am a male to female transsexual.
Transsexualism in men and women is more prevalent than most members of our society would admit. While older studies suggested that 1 in 30,000 males are intensely gender dysphoric (i.e. transsexuals seeking sex reassignment surgery, SRS) more recent studies suggest that the number is too low by a factor of 10. The current estimates based on empirical data in North America suggest that 1:2500 transsexuals seek SRS and 1:500 males experience some form of gender dysphoria, as transgendered persons (a spectrum including crossdressers to fully transitioned transsexuals). See F. Olyslager and L. Conway "On theCalculation of the Prevalence of Transsexualism".
In the past transsexualism has too often been sensationalized, but fortunately we have moved into an era where the reality of these changes can be treated with dignity and purpose. I am fortunate to have the benefit of the many -- in business, medicine, academia, law, engineering and virtually every other field -- who have gone before, and proved that we can be successful and productive. (See as an example *************** who transitioned successfully 18 months ago at age 58. ) So while I am a little frightened, I am also energized and confident that my new life will make me a better person, a stronger ally and a more productive member of society.
I am fully aware of the potential impact my transition may have on our law partnership, and the firm's reputation in the community we live in. Through my transition which includes hormones, and hair removal I am on a time schedule by which in approximately 6-8 months my physical changes will no longer go unnoticed. As a result I feel it is appropriate to inform you now, to enable us to discuss the future of our partnership in a manner that will have the least impact on your and my future as lawyers in this county and Province.
During the coming months I will not present as female in the workplace or locally in any way. In fact I will not do so until April, 2011. You will however see subtle changes in me during this time, relating to medications and other steps, including potentially surgical intervention to correct facial features which I might require immediately before transition. However, that is months into the future and is related to the results of my hormone regimen.
I am including with this letter some materials for your information, which will help you better understand my situation. I will be most open and honest to discuss with your any concerns you might have, or answer any questions. Having come to know you I know I can count on your fairness and honesty in planning the next year in a manner that maximizes both of our benefits from this transition and minimizes any impact it might have.
Please treat the information I have given you with the utmost confidentiality and do not disclose it to anyone outside of the partners of our firm without my prior consent. I appreciate your understanding and support in this venture for me, I believe in people, and have already discovered depths of understanding, wisdom, humor and caring that I long feared did not exist.
Sincerely


Kathryn *****

To Family:







I am writing to you to inform you in confidence about a difficult biographical aspect in my life. I am choosing to write to you because the information I am writing about is not suitable to be given over the telephone and I am not in a position to see you before sometime next year.
I would like to inform you about a very significant change in my life. I have spend much time considering how to convey what I need to tell you because I am concerned that the news I have to tell is strange and can provide uncertainty for you and Chuck. In many ways this letter is one of the most difficult I have ever had to write.
After many years of discomfort and uncertainty, during which I experienced myself as female but presented as male I ended up in deep depression and realized that I must come to grips with my inner identity and find congruence as a person. I am a male to female transsexual. I sought professional help in 2009 and have been diagnosed in September 2010 with intense gender dysphoria. I have recently at the recommendations of my medical advisors begun hormone treatment to transition to my correct gender and gender expression, making myself whole as a person.
The experience not be in the right body has been with me since I was 9 years old. At that time I discovered and later fully realized that I was different from other boys in my school. Hand in hand with these experiences came an inability to communicate these experiences to anyone, to be male, eventually a man, not to show anything and to be my part as a man as best I could. Certain events in my life led me to go down the path of having a family and to have three children, for which I am grateful.
******* has long been aware of my situation. The decision to transition was and is not easy for her, but we made it together. We are deeply committed to each other and she has accompanied me with love in these steps. We have a life together and are looking into the future. I asked her to keep this confidential because it was my responsibility to tell you not hers.
It is of utmost importance that this news be treated with utmost confidentiality, for the time being. Without proper preparation and planning the transition can easily end in a complete disaster especially professionally.
I will be presenting as a male until April, 2011, at which time I will socially and professionally transition and continue to live as a woman. After all I do not want to distract from Frieder and Amy's wedding in September.
I will be speaking to ****** in the new year.
I hope that you will be able to take my transition with fondness and our love for one another will not be lost. I am painfully aware of how difficult this is because my family and friends will have to say farewell to part of who I am. In the end I assure you, I am who I am and that will not change.
I am happy to answer any questions either of you might have. I will call you in the next week or so to speak to you both.

In an Article for my professional governing body's magazine:




In summer of 2010 I made a most significant decision of my life. I decided to reveal my true gender to those that formed my circle of life, family, friends, colleagues and my profession.
I am a civil litigator with emphasis on commercial and civil litigation. I also work on corporate and commercial transactions and am a partner in a two women boutique firm. I articled my partner seven years ago in another firm in which I was a partner, responsible for human resources management.
Fifty eight years ago I was born transsexual, that is with a gender that did not match my sex. I have know otherness since I was four years old and was certain that I was a girl born in the wrong body since I was 9. It is important to understand that a transsexual is born this way and our need to achieve congruence between our gender and sex is not a choice but a fundamental need akin to being born with a congenital birth defect and wanting it fixed. I was born a woman with a defective body.
On March 22nd, 2011 I distributed an email to colleagues in my profession, my clients and the courts. At that time I was a member of Council in Nova Scotia and President of our local Barristers Association. I wrote in part this:
After many years of discomfort and uncertainty, during which I identified as female but presented as male, I realized that I must come to grips with my inner identity and find congruence as a person. I have recently begun transition to my correct gender and gender expression, making myself whole as a person.
In the past transsexuals have too often been sensationalized, but fortunately we have moved into an era where the reality of these changes can be treated with dignity and purpose. I am fortunate to have the benefit of the many -- in business, medicine, academia, law, engineering and virtually every other field -- who have gone before, and proved that we can be successful and productive. I am energized and confident that my new life will make me a better person and a better professional lawyer.
Having come to know you professionally, I am confident that we will be able to deal with this change in a professional manner.
Having been born transsexual and taking a step to transition to your true self both inside and out is a shocking event for most persons that know you. Unless you have a congenital defect it is impossible to understand why someone would do as I did. In addition, I have deceived everyone for almost all of my life presenting myself a man that was not there. Having to work at presenting masculine and perfecting masculinity in my presentation internalized my growing up a woman to the core. For most of us transsexuals this deception means survival. When I was a child and later an adolescent my revealing my true nature would have resulted in commitment to a mental institution, aversion therapy including electro shocks and other approaches none of which can be acceptable to a modern mind. Another aspect of revealing who I am is the association of transsexuals with the seedy underbelly of society and paraphilia and the consequences to your credibility and ability to find work, shelter and a decent life. It is often for this reason that Transsexuals commit suicide. 42% of transsexual youth will make at least one serious attempt at suicide before 30 years of age and 48% of adult transsexuals will do the same.
Transsexuals are still included under the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Conversely, there are no statutory protections per se in existence that afford us legislative visibility as members of our society in general. Statutory and regulatory provisions in fact are designed to ferret out and name our otherness. A recent example is the denial of flight privileges to persons whose documented gender marker deviates from their appearance. The reading in of transsexual persons into the Human Rights Legislation grounds of sex and disability takes nothing away from this statement. Recent ratification of the uniform Code of Professional Conduct ties discrimination into the Canadian legislative framework thereby reducing the much more general and human protections that i.e. Nova Scotia had before, which prohibited discrimination without specifying grounds.
Consequently, we are viewed mentally deficient, somehow perverted human beings that make a lifestyle choice and have very little visibility in a positive context in our society. I have yet to meet a transsexual person that wanted to be transsexual. We have no choice in the matter, and being transsexual is not a lifestyle.
Other persons are gender variant. This is not my experience but I have friends that are gender variant and I have seen their difficulties. Their life experience is not rooted in the gender binary our society has constructed. The issue is one of non-conformity and breaking the bonds of gender expectations that we as a society have constructed. While gender variant persons do not suffer from a defective body their non-specific gender foundation pushes them into the same seedy environment that is anathema for a gender binary society. The suicide statistics are virtually the same.
When I say that my gender did match my sex I am actually telling you an untruth. My sex did not match my gender would be the correct way to put it. If you look through Canadian case law for cases that substantially impact transsexual persons you will find that the Courts have always drawn the distinction between reproductive organs capable of carrying a child and those that cannot. You must have at least had the ability to carry a child to be a woman from a law perspective. One example is Brooks (Brooks citation)
The foregoing sets the backdrop for transitioning in a professional environment. Lawyers understand the fundamental importance of controlling the message. To be able to transition as a 56 year old professional lawyer you cannot lose control of your message and cannot reveal anything until ready. Notwithstanding, most professionals lose their practice, their job, their families and professional friendships. For me this was a frightening concern. I saw myself having to move, transition, and re-appear somewhere else on the planet to try and create a new life for myself. We call this going stealth, meaning all ties to our roots, communities and family and friends must be cut to allow a new fully integrated life.
I decided against stealth, instead staying in the community in which I have practiced and lived for the last 22 years. My community and my professional colleagues have accepted me and my clients have stayed. For that I am grateful. I am treated with respect and continuing friendship, professional and otherwise. This is not the norm, but rather an exception. And that is sad.

[Jonianne]

This is the letter to my company stating my date of intention to transition to full time. Most of them already knew over the past year that I was going to transition.


LETTER OF INTENT TO TRANSITION TO FULLTIME


"May 3, 2013

To: President, Vice-Presidents of ..............., Inc.

Dear ....., ....., ......, ....... and all concerned,
This is my “official” letter of intent to begin my transition to living fulltime as a female. The date I have chosen is Monday, June 3, 2013.
I want to thank all of you for your support of me through all the years of good times and hard times. You have been essentially my family here in Tidewater.
I also want to express my appreciation to your kindness in giving me leeway this past year and more, in allowing me to transition my presentation gradually. On and after June 3, it is important my gender presentation be as female as possible and as appropriate for my job description. I must live fulltime as my target gender for a minimum of 1 year to meet the standards of care to be eligible for gender reassignment surgery.
Please share with me any concerns and I will be happy to talk and work things out as much as possible. With 30 years we have together already here, I hope we can share many, many more and I will do all I can to be the best service to you.

Thank you,
Joni"


NAME CHANGE LETTER

This letter was probably not necessary for my name change, however the clerk suggested that I could write a letter to the judge, so I did.

"YOUR HONOR,

My name is Johnny ........ and I am a 56 year old male to female transsexual. I am widowed, living alone (all my children are grown and living on their own) and have been in therapy with my gender therapist, ........, LCSW and in transition for the past year and half. I live 90% of the time as a female, including work, and now it is time for me to be completely fulltime so that I can begin the one year “real life test” requirement mandated by the World Professional Association for Transgender Health before gender reassignment surgery. For me, that includes changing my name to “Joni”, a more feminine variation.

Thank you for your consideration,

Ms. Joni"


Here is the letter my therapist wrote to my VA doctor requesting begining my HRT:



October 2, 2012

Dr .............
VA Hospital

Dear Dr. .........,

This letter is to respond to your request for a formal diagnosis on Johnny ...... (DOB ..........). My “official” diagnosis for insurance purposes is Mild Major Depression, as most insurance companies do not recognize Transsexualism as a “medically necessary” diagnosis. Johnny ....... is indeed a Male to Female Transsexual. As she currently dresses in female mode in all settings outside of work, I will refer to her as female.

In my diagnostic interview she revealed that she has wanted to become female for most of her life, but respected the wishes of her now-deceased wife that she not begin hormonal treatment while she was alive. In my professional opinion as a contributing member of the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH), Ms ........ qualifies and is ready to begin hormonal treatment. WPATH’s Standards of Care apply to both my work and Ms .........’ readiness for this next phase of treatment. When she is ready to transition at work (usually about six months after initiating hormonal treatment) she will do so. In fact, she has already informed her work of her intentions. Her family is also fully aware of her intentions, also.

Should you have any further questions, please have Ms ....... sign a Release of Information and give me a call.

Sincerely, and with gratitude that the VA has taken on this responsibility for its members,



........, LCSW

[Rachel Smith]

This is my coming clean letter to my family. I prefer coming clean to coming out as once you come clean with yourself and and those around you it is a very cleansing feeling.

Letter To My Family

I am writing this letter to my immediate family, Mom & Dad, Bill, Susan, Judy and Currie. Since each of you will be receiving one don’t be afraid to discuss amongst yourselves how you feel. Each of you can decide who to share this information with and who not to, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, etc. While each letter will be somewhat different the basic information contained in each will be the same.

I came out to Mom & Dad about my crossdressing about a year ago in the mountains. Judy (sister) was there, she already knew because I get some of my makeup from her. Susan (sister) knew but thought it was just a Halloween thing. Hell it was the one day of the year I could be me in public without ridicule. I ask Mom & Dad this and will ask the same of the rest you and that is. Don’t judge people by how they look or the color of their skin or any physical trait but only by how they treat you. That is what Mom & Dad taught us.

No I am not gay and that is part of the reason I struggle with this so much. Sherry (soon to be ex-wife) is not a lesbian and that is why she no longer finds me attractive so don’t blame her for not accepting me as I changed the way I looked.

For those of you that have internet access you may want to read here http://www.webmd.com/sex/gender-identity-disorder and here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_identity_disorder . I will print them for Mom & Dad.

I am on female hormones now, estrodil, read here http://transhealthmodule.com/hormones.html . The reason I am telling you all this is that my body is changing and I wouldn’t feel comfortable just showing up one day with breasts. I expect each of you to feel different about this but please get together and talk as a family and please include Currie (daughter by marriage have never called her my step-daughter). I will not force this on any of you and I will dress in drab (dressed as a boy in my world) when I come to visit if that’s what you decide is best for you and your family. If you can find it in your hearts just please don’t tell me I am no longer welcome to come home or to visit any of you.

I know this is a lot to dump on you in an email but it is the only way I felt comfortable doing it. Even if morally any of you think I am doing something wrong and don’t want to see or speak to me again I will understand. Just know I am finally happy on the inside.
Your Loving brother/sister
Rachel/Randy

Part II

GID OR GD LETTER

I am only looking for acceptance from you or at least working towards it as this is who I am. Understanding it is something all together different as I don’t understand it fully myself. It is one, but only one of the reasons I failed at my marriage.

This started a long time ago. The first time I can remember having this feeling was at Susan and Judy’s birthday party. I am not sure how old they were but guessing I would say somewhere around 2 years old that would have made me about 8, if my math is correct, anyway, Mom & Dad threw a big party for them in the basement. All I remember from that day is our whole relation being there and constantly wondering why I couldn’t wear a pretty dress like they had on. My next memory of feeling like there was something that didn’t match was on Halloween. I am not sure how old I was but Mom dressed me up like a girl in one of her skirts, a blouse, hose and heels. NO MOM THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! And NO DAD it doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy all the time I spent with you and you teaching me about life, hunting, fishing, bowling and all that other manly stuff. I went trick or treating with Cindy Moyer and Bill and I never felt so good in all my life. It was like the clothes on the outside matched what was on the inside. Then came Susan & Judy joining the color guard and I wondered why I couldn’t have done that. Such beautiful uniforms they got to wear and marched down the street with their heads held high proud of being a girl.

As I was growing up whenever I got some alone time it was time for me to raid Moms closet for a skirt, blouse and heels. No Mom I didn’t wear your panties or pantyhose that would be gross. I would stay dressed as long as I thought it was safe then I would change back into my clothes. Yes I almost got caught quite a few times, so if you came home and there was sweat on my brow now you know why, lol. When I got older I bought my own stash of just a couple things just to have them so I could feel good during my alone time. I got rid of all those clothes when I joined the USAF.

If you remember I spent a lot of time with Sherry (the Cousin one) from the time I was 12 or 13 planning parties and going to dances. That wasn’t because I was looking to date that early but because I just wanted to be one of the girls doing girl things. Sadly Sherry out grew me when she started seriously dating though I still got to spend some time with her occasionally.

From these early times on I had a feeling of just not fitting in no matter what I did, school, baseball, bowling, the USAF, working for Donnie, I just felt on the inside like I didn’t fit in. Ask Bill how I was at work, mostly quiet and reserved, keeping mostly to myself. So you see Bill it wasn’t ALL your fault, sorry about blaming you, most of it was me. Even during my druggie days and yes there were druggie days but the real reason I had long hair was to feel more in touch with my female side. The drugs involved no needles just pot, hash, uppers, downers, etc. but even then I only felt like I fit in if I had some to share with my friends. You can say what you want about Gary E., druggie friend, but I will tell you this. Of all my druggie friends he is the only one that spent time with me after I quit. I think the drugs and drinking were just an escape to get away from these feelings of not belonging and though being surrounded by a wonderful family there was no place anywhere on earth where I could just be ME. Hell I didn’t feel accepted in male clothes so I surely wasn’t willing to compound that by wearing girls clothes, not to mention the shame it would have brought to the family that loved me but just didn’t know about my struggle. I quit the drugs when I bought my first horse because Sherry said we couldn’t afford both but then the drinking worsened.

All through my adult life I always had a stash of girls’ clothes somewhere. I would buy some wear them when I could then get rid of them as I tried not to be like this, we call this purging. Then I would buy more, stash them, wear them when I could then purge again. It was a never ending cycle. I thought marriage could “cure” me but it was not to be I still had my stash and my moments of dressing and purging swearing I would never do it again.

After I met Michelle and Rick and found out what true acceptance is and how wonderful it can be and the drinking stopped. Not that I don’t enjoy a beer from time to time but I went from a case and ½ plus a week to 1 or 2 beers a week. I didn’t make a conscious effort to quit I just didn’t feel the need any longer, still don’t, I am finally happy and content on the inside. This is not to say I didn’t have a good and happy childhood or adolescence, I did, but at night when I laid my head on the pillow it was always with the thought of, why can’t I just fit in? Why can’t I just be ME?

Bill (brother) this is why I always felt special whenever you ask me to do something with you, hunting at Toms, fishing in your beautiful boat, bowling even if I was most times a last resort, working with you and you teaching me things. You will never know how special I felt. I felt acceptance at those times even if you didn’t know the “real” me. You ask someone at Christmas when I gave you the knife why I got you a present because I love you, silly man. I saw it and thought of you and that I could be with you every day as you are with me no matter where I am.

My life here is Rachel; I am dressed and live my life as Rachel. The only time I am not is at work although I am still as feminine as Rachel, I still only wear female clothes, I just cannot wear my hair and all my makeup yet, I will be working on that in the near future so I can live my life fully as Rachel. As long as I have Michelle and the support I get from her and Rick I will be OK so don’t worry about me I am happy on the inside now. Yes I still go to therapy as well and will never stop, at least not anytime soon. Tried that once and as you all know it didn’t work out too well.

Speaking of that dreadful day; I AM SO VERY SORRY. I only wanted to hurt Sherry and found out that she didn’t really care and I ONLY hurt the ones that love me.

My sham of a marriage; I wanted to leave that out of this but I feel there are some things you all need to know.
She told me she hasn’t loved me for 20 years and that she didn’t “let” me go do the horses but rather SENT me away because she couldn’t stand to live with me anymore and that was before all this. Yes it’s true that we never fought during our marriage, if that’s what you want to call it, but that is only because we rarely talked about what was bothering us. From the day we got married we always called it OUR money and just put it in a pile and spent it as she saw fit. Somewhere she changed the rules and it became her money and my money though I was never told of the change. She also told me that she was responsible with her money and I was not. True enough I gave her my whole paycheck to do with as she wanted apparently that was paying the bills and putting hers in her 401K and anywhere else she may have it hid. Please tell your kids to always have separate savings and checking accounts and one together for expenses. I found out too late when push comes to shove it’s to each his own. She told me she wanted a divorce because she is happy being alone then it took her all of a month to have someone else there. It appears alone only lasted until she got all my shit out of the house if that long.

Not that I am faultless in this. Hell I did my part too even without the Rachel part of me.

Insert note susan,judy & currie here.

Susan I don’t hate you or even dislike you. I do feel Sherry had a lot to do with the distance between us. Hell I don’t even know happened between you two she did tell me once but I don’t remember, ****ing drugs and alcohol. I do know I was happy when you came to see me in the physc ward but couldn’t believe you were there as we have not really spoken too much lately. Sherry was my wife and I felt I had to stand by her. I am sorry I couldn’t make Phil’s wedding and that it took me so long to send him a card but I didn’t feel right calling you for his address. Life is getting short and it’s not too late to mend a fence.

Judy you and I have always had a special relationship. For some reason I feel comfortable talking to you about anything. I would have stayed at your house but simply couldn’t after you told me I couldn’t be me as you were afraid as to how it would affect Justin, I don’t fault you for that. From what you told me he has had his own struggles with depression and such. If he ever needs someone to talk to have him call me it surely beats the alternative. Divorce is hard on everyone.

Currie you are special to me and always will be. I will always love you, Azzy (granddaughter) and Tim (son-in-law). You all make a wonderful family. Why you won’t get Azzy out with her bow I don’t know, yes I am sorry I can’t be there to take her but I simply can’t live in Boyertown. (Azzy is ten wanted to take up archery I bought her a $400.00 compound bow for Christmas 2012 and it is just collecting dust under her bed). I found this out the day I had to deliver mail to what used to be my house. I told you when this whole divorce thing started that I wouldn’t blame you if you sided with your mother and I don’t. You said you wouldn’t take sides but you have hell you don’t even send me an email to let me know what’s going on in your life. Like, I don’t know if you went to eat at Maplegrove yet; if you had a good time and enjoyed yourself or if it totally sucked. When I send you an email you answer only the questions I ask and that is short and to the point. When I came here the first time you told me if that’s what you need to do to be happy then go do it. I did it and now you hardly talk to me. I know me coming home and leaving again must have been difficult and hard for Azzy and you as well. I didn’t come home to **** up her life or yours. Know this; I will always love you and do anything I can to help you all you have to do is ask.

[chrissyjessicadewet]

When I started therapy i knew that I have to come out at work and home. Home has been harder to do than work.

"Hi

I been bating how to tell you for weeks now. I adore working for you and my therapist says that honesty is the best policy.
You see, I am transgendered. I am currently undergoing therapy and its helping me come to term with my identity and how I
can become a better person.
The reason why I tell you this is that I will chang over the next few months as therapy goes on. I feel more comfortable with my gender
change. It is something that wont efffect my work and my abillity to make your business work. I will just be a better version of me that is working
for you.

Please understand that i want nothing but the best for your business and I wish to be as open with you and sp****.. As wel as everyone else. If
all goes well I will be able to grwo in myself and be a better manager for your.

Thanks
C..."

[Cheyenne Skye]

When my therapist read it, he said it was very nicely done. As for my boss, only time will tell.

I am writing this to inform you of a significant change in my life of which I feel you should be made aware. This is something I have been struggling with for a long time. Clinically it is called gender dysphoria. What that means is that now I can admit to myself and others that I am transgender. To that end I have gone through extensive therapy and began cross sex hormone therapy well over a year ago. I've gotten to a point where I feel I can no longer (nor wish to) hide the physical changes. I will be legally changing my name and gender marker on my license to reflect those changes. From that point on you should refer to me with my new name, Dana. I know that this may be difficult for some so you can still call me by my last name. My appearance at work most likely will not change any more than it already has. But if you see me at the mall or grocery store, it may come as a bit of a shock. I would appreciate that you treat me the same as always. I understand that you may have questions for me. I respectfully remind you that some questions may be too personal and I will remind you of such. The others I will attempt to answer as best as I can. Even with these changes, I am still the same person you have all known for years. I will still do my job to the best of my ability. I may not always be the most cheerful person, but I hope that aligning my body and mind will help me become a happier person that you will like working with.

[Sue Too]

This is the most difficult letter I have ever written. The time has come for me to share something with you that is deeply personal to me, yet unavoidably it will soon become very public. I share, in common with many thousands of others around the world, a clinical condition known as “Gender Dysphoria.” In its simplest terms this means that my inner gender identity as a female is inconsistent with my birth sex, as a male. It's an often used expression but very appropriate; I identify as a woman, but I am trapped in a man's body. I am fortunate, however, in that gender dysphoria is a bona fide clinical condition for which established and effective medical care exists.
I have battled this hidden conflict all of my life. The fight has now reached a place where something has to be done. Gender conflict is a horrible thing to deal with. It eats at you very being and leaves you with the distinct feeling that your only half a person. I cannot continue the way I have. The mental strife is almost unbearable. I have been in consultation with a gender therapist and medical doctors specializing in endocrinology. Their diagnosis is as I mentioned above I do suffer from Gender Dysphoria.
To treat this condition, in accordance with accepted standards of medical practice, I have been undergoing a “gender transition.” The first step is a regimen of female hormones. It is important is that you understand that this is not an elective procedure. The consequences of not following this road could be devastating, even life threatening. You may ask Why now? Because I cannot continue as I have, and my personal responsibilities are at a minimum. My wife has passed and my children are comfortably settled in their own lives Why not spend my remaining years as a happy woman who is at peace with herself?
Sometime in May I will be petitioning the court to change my name to Susan XXXXXX XXXXX. Soon thereafter I will begin living my life as a woman. I have already spent many hours in public as Susan. The use of hormones has already helped to alleviate some of the mental strife that I was experiencing but the meds will soon bring on body changes that will make it difficult to continue to live as a man. Besides, I feel I am a woman. When I present as a female I am at peace with the world. It just feels right. .
Please understand that this is not a spur of the moment decision. As I said earlier, I have been dealing with this conflict most of my life. I'm sure this will come as a shock to some of you, but this time I'm doing something that feels right for me. It's not like I have robbed a bank or something else illegal. The nicest thing you can do for me is to give Susan a chance. I'm hopeful that in some ways you will find that same person and in other ways a warmer and better person. I welcome any tasteful questions or comments you may have.
With warmest regards,
(Soon to be Susan)


To My Children--
I wish I could have given you this news in person but I think this letter does a better and more complete job of telling my story than I could in person. You're the first I have told of my decision. I will have lots of other explaining to do in the upcoming days. It will not be easy. I pray that in no way this decision of mine makes you think any less of me. I'm praying that unconditional love will prevail. I'm really just a person that is trying to get the final years of her life in order. Just know one very important thing------To the two of you I will always be "Dad" the guy who fathered you and the person who loves you more than you will ever know. Nothing will ever change that. Your support through this most joyous but yet stressful time is very important to me. I will be at home Monday and Tuesday nights if you would like to talk. I would. Please call.
With much love,
Dad

[annaaustintx]

[Back in July, I came out at work and then to all my friends on Facebook.
Here is the email that I sent to my group leader, my VP, the CEO, and the HR person:


The Short Form: I am changing my name to "Anna Xxx".

The Long Form:

I am in the process of making a very significant change in my life.
After many years of struggling with my gender identity and having
invested a significant amount of time in therapy exploring my gender
issue, I am now acknowledging my gender dysphoria. I have started to
make the transition to live my life as a woman. This change will make
for a better, richer, and more true reflection of who I am. I am
undergoing this transition under medical care of a gender specialist
physician.

I want to minimize the impact of my personal change to My_Companys_Name. At
the risk of being cliche'd, I would like to assure you that, though I
will undergo some physical changes, I will still be very much the same
person. My_Companys_Name can count on my continued effort and dedication.
I hope, but definitely do not take for granted, that I will have
understanding and support from you as well as the rest of the
My_Companys_Name family.

I told my wife of my decision last September. Not surprisingly, the
news impacted her greatly. We have since discussed my gender issue
and our feelings about that at length. She understands that this is a
necessary and beneficial change for me. She understands that living
my life as a woman will make me much happier. I am very fortunate
that she now fully supports my decision. Indeed, in the past few
months, with her full support, I have lived part-time as a woman. Her
love and support truly gives me a solid foundation from which to
launch my future life.

My transitioning to living full time as a woman is obviously a very
significant step. In order to soften the impact of this news on
My_Companys_Name, I am making this announcement well in advance to this
limited audience, the four of you. I would like to work with all of
you on a plan to announce this to the rest of My_Companys_Name. I would
consider the transition successful if we as a group can achieve the
following:

o Careful, collaborative transition planning.
o Support from everybody, up to the highest level.
o Proper and sufficient education on gender issues, and sensitive
management of information.

For my part, you can count on:

o My continued conduct and performance as a professional who reflects
the My_Companys_Name spirit of Passion, Ownership and Creativity.
o Gracious, diplomatic behavior.
o My ability to present myself unambiguously as a professional woman.

What will happen going forward?

Over the next three weeks, I'd like to work with you on a plan to
announce to the company, with a target of informing everyone at the
end of July. First, I would like to sit down with each of you to
discuss this and address your questions. Next, we will need to work
out details ranging from the mundane such as changing email ID and
system credentials, etc. to the actual announcement to the company and
my first day at work as Anna. For the announcement, I would like to
suggest that it resemble this email, addressing the same points,
together with setting expectations on things such as pronoun usage
("she" and "her"), which restroom I will use, etc.

I have obtained, with the assistance of an attorney, a court order
granting change of name and change of gender marker. (I am keeping my
Vietnamese middle names "Xxx", changing only my English first
name from "Xxx" to "Anna".) Over the next few weeks, I will be
making changes to official documents: driver's license, passport,
Social Security record, Certificate of Naturalization (my "citizenship
papers"), etc.

I am aware that this news, and all this information, will be difficult
to digest. My_Companys_Name is a great place, with a wonderful sense of
camaraderie. I feel that my coming-out is an act of trust reflective
of, and made possible by, the great environment that we have built
here at My_Companys_Name. I look forward to working through this with all
of you and to continuing to work with you and the rest of the
My_Companys_Name family to perpetuate My_Companys_Motto.

--
Anna Xxx




P.S. Here are some links that I thought would be useful:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_identity_disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of...related_topics
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trans_women




Here is what I posted as a "note" in my Facebook account:


The Short And The Long Of It

July xx, 2014 at xxx

The Short Form:
I am changing my name to "Anna xxxxxx".

The Long Form:
I am making a very significant change in my life.

After many many years of struggling with my gender identity and having invested a significant amount of time in therapy exploring my gender issue, I am now acknowledging my gender dysphoria. I have made the transition to live my life as a woman. This change will make for a better, richer, and more true reflection of who I am. I am undergoing this transition under medical care of a gender specialist physician.

To use a well-worn but nonetheless useful cliche, though I will undergo some physical changes, I will still be very much the same person. Whether you had found my prose outshining Oscar Wilde's or barely bettering a blabbering baboon's, whether you had found my sense of humor knee-slapping mirth-inducing stuff or strained as "Flight of The Bumblebee" played on a kazoo, whether you find me as agreeable as a politician in the year of election or as argumentative as an attorney in a hot coffee lawsuit, whether you had found my sartorial sensibilities the stuff of haute couture or from outer space, you will find more of the same from me.

All the same, this is a huge change in my life and will affect you, who are among the more important people in my life. It may be challenging for you to now think of me as one of your female friends. It may be foreign and awkward when you encounter Anna initially, if only virtually. It may be foreign and awkward for you to address me by my female name, Anna. It may be foreign and awkward to use female pronouns of "she" and "her" when referring to me. It may be challenging for you, as it was for me at one time, to accept me in my new gender.

It will be challenging for all of us. I hope that I will have your understanding, love and support in this change, though I definitely do not take those things for granted.

I told my wife Xxx of my decision last September. Not surprisingly, the news impacted her greatly. We have since discussed my gender issue and our feelings about that at length. She understands that this is a necessary and beneficial change for me. She understands that living my life as a woman will make me much happier. I am very fortunate that she now fully supports my decision. Indeed, in the past few months, with her full support, I have lived part-time as a woman. Her love and support truly gives me a solid foundation from which to launch my future life.

I have also come out to my immediate family. My siblings and their children are happy for me, and supportive of my transition.

I have obtained, with the assistance of an attorney, a court order granting change of name and change of gender marker. (I am keeping my Vietnamese middle names "Xxxxx", changing only my English first name from "Xxxxx" to "Anna".) Of course, I will be changing the name on my Facebook profile. Certainly, now the "Xxxxx" pic will be more reflective of reality.

I came out at work, at Xxxxx, two weeks ago. I informed a handful of the "important" people, which include the "higher ups" all the way up to the CEO. I also informed our corporate counsel as well as our HR person. Everybody was very understanding, and extremely forthcoming and generous in support for my decision, for which I am enormously grateful.

This morning, I announced my transition to the My_Companys_Name people whom I work with. Their response has been completely and thoroughly positive.
Friday 7/xx will be my first day at work as Anna.
That I am regarding that day without dread but rather with much joy, is one proof point of why Xxx is such an amazing company.

I am aware that this news, and all this information, will be difficult to digest. I feel that my coming-out is an act of trust reflective of, and made possible by, the level of friendship that we have. I look forward to going on this journey with all of you.

--
Anna Nguyen



P.S. Here are some links that I thought would be useful:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_identity_disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of...related_topics
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trans_women


P.P.S. Here's me in a dress that I made for a recent xxxxx.

[Dianne S]

This email went out yesterday to a couple of sets of family friends.

Dear Xxxx and Yyyy,

Thanks for coming to my mother's birthday celebration today. I'm writing because I have some news about myself; I didn't disclose it today because today's lunch was about my mother and not about me.

For many years, I have suffered from a condition known as gender dysphoria. This is the persistent feeling that one's anatomical sex does not match one's true gender. The only effective treatment for this condition is to begin living as one's emotional gender, often accompanied by physical changes to make onesself look more like the other gender.

I have been embarking on this treatment since February 2014. Thus far my regimen has included laser therapy to remove facial hair and anti-androgens to suppress testosterone. I hope to begin hormone therapy in the spring; hormone therapy may help alter some of my secondary sexual characteristics to make them appear more feminine, though specific changes are highly variable from individual to individual.

In addition to this therapy, I have begun living part-time as a woman. In fact, I have some friends who only know me as Dianne and not as (my male name). I intend, depending on how my therapy progresses, to begin living full-time as female within 6 to 15 months.

My mother has known about this since February, and my children and sisters since April. They have all shown me unconditional love and acceptance, for which I am amazed and grateful. True to form, (youngest daughter) never misses an opportunity to criticize my fashion choices.

I'm telling you this now even though you probably won't notice much change for a while just so that I do feel free to express myself around you. Keeping a secret is no fun at all and is not good for one's health.

I would like to emphasize that my transgenderism was not the cause of the breakdown of my marriage, although it certainly didn't help and it made things a lot more complicated.

It will take some time for you to absorb this news. I've had forty-odd years to go through the phases of guilt, shame, self-loathing, denial and repression before finally arriving at self-acceptance and inner peace. You've only had minutes to process the news.

It is probably very hard for you to visualize me as a woman. The picture that comes to mind is likely ridiculous, and I understand that. While we can joke about this (a sense of humour is essential no matter what) I would ask you to be as kind as possible to me, because this was not an easy thing for me to accept and not an easy decision to make.

A word on disclosure: This is obviously no longer a secret. However, for practical reasons I do not want my employees to know about this until I am much closer to going full-time. For that reason, if you share this news with anyone I'd ask you to do it in person or over the phone, and not via a public or semi-public space such as Facebook or the like. I would prefer not to have publicly-searchable records of this just yet, and would appreciate it if you communicated my wishes to anyone to whom you disclose this information. I would also ask that you treat the information sensitively and only disclose it if you think doing so is in everyone's interest.

In the end, I hope this does not change my relationship with you and that you will see that the underlying person remains the same, regardless of the physical shell. If you have any questions for me, I would be happy to answer them by email to this gmail account (not my work account, please), by phone at (XXX) XXX-XXXX, or in person.

Regards,

(My male name) / Dianne.

[Debb]

This is the 4-page letter that I have been handing to the people I come out to (I do this in person, or in worst-case, over the phone and email the letter). It's meant to be kinda generic.

I hope this isn't too long. I tend to over-supply info .. if it's too long, I hope a mod will let me know and perhaps I can furnish a link instead.

=====

I am transgender. Basically, I feel wrong, that I should have been born a girl instead of a boy.

I’ve known that I was “different” for a very long time. With the help of my therapist, I have recently been able to accept my condition, to realize that I must take steps to feel better, and to start taking those steps.

I am planning to begin taking hormones designed to make my body more closely conform to how a woman’s body is. I may begin the process of getting hair removed from my face (from what I understand, this is painful, but necessary). I have been shaving my legs, arms, and body for years (you may have noticed), and recently I began keeping my nails painted. Soon, I will get my ears pierced.

Gender dysphoria -- “discomfort” with the paradox between your inner soul (who you feel you are inside) and the reality of your body (what you look like externally).

gen·der dys·pho·ri·a
noun
Medicine
noun: gender dysphoria
the condition of feeling one's emotional and psychological identity as male or female to be opposite to one's biological sex.

I quoted the word discomfort above because it’s an incredibly mild way to describe what I’ve felt all my life. Gender dysphoria affects different people in different ways, and to different degrees. In some people, the storm comes on suddenly and strongly, and they choose to deal with it quickly; for some, the storm comes, but builds slowly until the river literally runs over its banks and begins to destroy all it touches. Those people are the ones who end up with damnable choices to make; I’m one of them.

I’ve let my pain build for a very long time. There is much pain when you know you’re a girl, but your body says otherwise. Denial, secrecy, pretending, all take a huge toll, which often goes unrecognized until it’s almost too late.

All external appearances would indicate that I’ve had a good life, and I have. I’ve laughed with friends; I’ve fallen in love; we’ve had kids; I’ve been treated lovingly my whole life. How, then, can I say that I’ve had a lot of pain throughout my life? It just doesn’t compute, does it?

When you’re young, you know almost intuitively that you must hide this girl deep inside, lest anyone sees her and communicates their disapproval. I’ve grown to be an expert at hiding myself. I am going to give you a few quotes from some books I’ve been reading, all of which apply to me:

If you're like most transgender folks, you've kept your feelings secret for a long time. You may have silenced your own questioning, and gone about trying to prove that you can be a man, often in extreme ways, in order to cure your gender dysphoria.

If you are a male-to-female transsexual, you may have cross-dressed in private for many years. Not understanding why, you felt ashamed, fought the urges, and "purged" your feminine wardrobe many times. You have tried to fit in.

You have also probably tried to ignore that voice inside that said "Hey, I'm not really a boy!" You've dismissed it as absurd. You may have prayed at night to wake up in the morning having a different body, but eventually you gave up. You did your best to get those thoughts, feelings, desires out of your mind. You probably thought you were sick or crazy or perverted.

Keeping a secret, feeling ashamed, always being on guard to not let the feminine self slip out is exhausting and anxiety-producing. Overcompensating can be dangerous; going into the Army (AF) will not make a man out of someone who really isn't.

For middle-aged trans-folks, it's often a medical crisis that prompts a look at the life they haven't been living. All too often, it's a build-up of internal turmoil that just becomes unbearable. There is often literally a do-or-die moment that prompts seeking out help.

Gender identity problems are simply a product of prenatal or early childhood development, not deviant sexual fantasies as some wrongly suggest. Gender identity problems are a basic health-care issue that requires resolution; having a gender identity that does not match your sex is not a condition that can be self-induced or learned.

Your gender identity is set once it forms, and you are not going to change it. The mental health community tried for years to “reset” transsexuals’ gender identities to no avail; hence, the only health care solution at present is for medical intervention that alters the physical gender of transsexuals to match their gender identities.

Evidence suggests that people who identify with a gender different from the one they were assigned at birth may do so not just due to psychological or behavioral causes, but also biological ones related to their genetics, the makeup of their brains, or prenatal exposure to hormones.


As a youngster, I would wrap myself up nice and tight, in the prettiest blanket or piece of material around, fantasizing about being a pretty girl in a beautiful dress. I must have seen some movie or cartoon that made me think I would ever have a hope of being pretty.

There was a rather painful incident when I was I dunno, thirteen, fourteen, or fifteen that served to make it abundantly clear that it was not acceptable to be the way I was. I went deeper into my own special closet, feeling that I was all alone, and that I must hide this unacceptable condition away from everyone, including those I loved, and who loved me.

Fast-forward a lot of years: I have known that I need to do something about this for a very long time. I have been cross-dressing privately and in public for at least the past fifteen years. That’s right -- in public. I’ve gone to malls, parks, restaurants, and to support group meetings, too. It hasn’t been enough, but it helped keep the level of disquiet livable.

To make a very long story shorter, I have been in pain, in denial, for many years. I have tried so hard to be a man. I’ve been successful for the most part. If you want to hear about the pain, sorrow, and uncertainty, I will tell you ... but I don’t feel it’s necessary to rehash all that in this letter.

Pat answers to a couple questions you may have:

Am I gay? Am I going to transition in order to be with men? No. Gender identity is not the same as sexual orientation; gender identity is who you are, and sexual orientation is who you want to have sex with. There are people who cross-dress for sexual gratification; that is not me.

Am I sure about this? Yes. With the help of my therapist (I see her every week and have done so since January -- my New Year’s resolution), I have gradually learned to accept myself for who I am. Self-acceptance occurs when you realize that you are a good, decent human being even though one of your personal attributes is a gender identity / physical gender mismatch, and I am a good & decent human being. Being gender variant does not diminish me in any way. I’ve learned that being transgender is a positive attribute of my personality, and that I need not have any shame about it.

What will I do about my family situation? (H)& I have been discussing this a little bit; I have no wish to hurt her, or my kids, grandkids, & their significant others. At the same time, I need to be genuine and open, after all these years of hiding away. Hazel’s ability to accept me for this will play a big part in what happens.

What about my brothers & their families, and my Dad? It’s up to each of them whether they’ll be able to accept & support me or not. I surely hope for their support and understanding, but I will settle for their tolerance.

What about a sex change? Simply, I don’t know at this time. It is hideously expensive, and not generally covered by insurance; as I plan to remain married & faithful to (H), it doesn’t make sense to change. As of right now, my wish is only to have my public appearance match my inner gender identity. Perhaps that’s denial speaking, but for now, it’s not in the plan.


I have come to a decision to pursue certain body modifications, in order to begin “matching” .. to match my outer appearance to my inner gender identity. I can’t begin to tell you how desperately I want to finally be whole, to match my outer self to my inner self, to stop this endless debate between my mind and my body.

As I said earlier, I am, or will be, taking hormones to help change my body. I would like to reassure you that I haven’t changed personalities .. I still love the same things I have always enjoyed. The only thing that will change is my appearance, and the bathroom I use in public. Oh, and maybe you’ll say “she” instead of “he”, and perhaps know me by a different name.

I understand that these changes may seem to be happening very quickly. I have hidden my condition very well, and although it seems sudden to you (because you didn’t know), it’s been a very long time coming for me, and with my health issues, it’s becoming more urgent for me every day.

It may comfort you to know that this is all under the care of my therapist (a licensed psychologist, or psychotherapist), endocrinologist, and other medical professionals. My therapist has helped me so much, I can’t begin to tell you … a fact I never would have believed, had I not experienced it for myself.

I am sorry to burden you with this; I truly am. I may be scaring you, or hurting you, and I hope you’ll believe that that’s the thing I have wanted to avoid at all costs … but I am convinced that I can’t hold back any longer. There’s a reason that the suicide rate for transgender folks is so high (40% reported a serious attempt -- I have seen two successful ones among my friends), and I don’t want to end up feeling like that’s the only way to “fix” this. I choose to live, free and open, instead. Please forgive me for hurting you.

If you can’t give me your support, please support (H), (my sons) when they need your friendship. It is true that I will need support for the road ahead, but so do they. I have some support, and so does Hazel, but either/both of us can always do with more.

There is much that (H) will struggle with in our changing relationship, and in some ways, it’ll be more difficult for her than it will be for me. It almost destroys me to think that now she’ll be carrying a similar burden to my own. I love her, but she didn’t marry a woman; she married who she thought was a man -- she didn’t choose to have a husband like me, but I hope she won’t choose to leave. No matter what her choice, it is my hope that you will stick with her. If this means the loss of your support for me, so be it. (H)comes first.

Love,

(Deb)

PS: the words “transgender” and “transsexual” are both seen here; I avoided using “transsexual” in describing myself simply because I feel the word implies a sex-change, and as you’ve read, that isn’t necessarily in the plan. I left the word in the quotes from books.

[Alexa Lynne]

This is the letter that I am going to be mailing to my parents this week.




Dear Mom & Dad,

This is by far the most difficult letter I’ve ever had to write, because I’m going to share with you a truth about myself…a truth that I have tried to hide from you (and deny even to myself) since I was a teenager. I know you both are somewhat aware of me wearing female clothing, and I’m sorry that I didn’t have the trust in you over the years to open myself to you. It is a trust that I believe, as wonderful parents, you deserved. As a child I feared rejection…and as I grew older I feared hurting and disappointing you and other family members whom I love dearly (and those around me who depend on me). Now, I realize that deep relationships must stand on truth. The hiding is over; I am placing my love and trust in you.

I’m sure by now you’re really wondering what this is all about…so here goes. From the time I was around 15 or 16, I have struggled with a secret that I tried so desperately to hide – the deep feeling within me that I should have been born a girl.
This was something that I knew would displease you; and, throughout my life, I tried so hard to make you proud of me. Without going into detail, there were many, many times during my childhood (when I was alone) that I would dress as, and imagine being, a girl. I do admit, there were times when I was home alone, I would try on mom’s clothes, and when Julie was staying with us, I even snuck on her clothes a few times. As a teenager and young adult, when I saw a beautiful girl, I would (along with all my friends) outwardly express how much I wanted to “be with” her, while inside I was secretly – desperately – wishing I could “be” her. Despite my best attempts to deny them, these feelings have followed me all my life – through my childhood, my adolescence, and both of my marriages. They have not waned as I have grown; in fact, the feelings have only become more nagging and urgent as the years have passed.

Throughout my life, the thought that someone would “find out about me,” scared me; and I worked very hard to keep my secret hidden. I wanted so desperately to have your approval and the acceptance of those around me that I became a master of hiding my secret and building a fade of “maleness” around me. My career choice, my marriages, and my daughter – I did everything that I could do to reinforce to the world that I was a “guy.” I also distanced myself from the people who knew me best to minimize the likelihood that someone would discover my secret. Wherever possible within my life, I set up blocks to prevent myself from being able to act upon what I was feeling inside. To a degree, I was successful…but, like the feelings, the secret was always there.

When I was growing up, I thought I was the only person in the world in such a dilemma. It wasn’t until later in life that I learned that there are others like me. Since then, I have done a significant amount of research, spending many hundreds of hours reading medical and psychological material on the subject. Long ago, I learned that there is a name for my condition – Gender Identity Disorder (GID). It is characterized by a pervasive, life-long identity with the opposite gender. It is not homosexuality; it is not a fetish, nor transvestism (crossdressing), nor anything related to sex. It is not an issue of sex at all; it is a matter of personal gender identity – the sense of what (and who) one is.

As I have grown and learned more about myself and my condition, I have become more accepting of this part of myself. More than that, as time has marched on, I have begun to feel more and more compelled to adjust my life to relieve the emotional discomfort and depression that is caused by the tension between who I am…inside…and how I present myself to the rest of the world. That was my plan; however, a few a few years after Emma was born did I start thinking more and more about it. I never told anyone, not even my online friends due to the uncertainty that I was afraid of losing the too. Understand that I love her very much – she is a wonderful blessing to my life, but with her birth, I felt like my hope of someday dealing with my issues evaporated. The world closed in on me; and I became very depressed. On a few occasions, I had thoughts of suicide. I felt trapped…I still do.

Despite years of hiding, I had to do something – now. I had to finally face this part of myself – head on; and I had to find someone to discuss it – immediately. While searching on-line for answers, I stumbled upon a website with people who are just like me, transgender males and transgender females – whose lives are exactly like my life, right down to being born a boy; being raised in church, knowing from right and wrong and having wonderful parents; divorcing and remarrying; and having children. They are people who I can relate to. They are there so I can contact them, anonymously over the web, with no fear of my secret “getting out.” I contacted them via an e-mail address and began an on-going a message board to interact with others.” Over a number of weeks, I began to feel a little better (although no less scared) about who I am. I also began to realize that denial of my true self would continue to drive me deeper into depression. Like me, they had experienced the same stresses of self-denial and the same fears of discovery. Like me, their feelings had led them into a deep depression and thoughts of suicide. At one point, a few of them had even attempted to try suicide. I did not (and still do not) want to ever reach that point in my life. Thus, I resolved to stop living the lie and begin the process to change my life. I have begun planning my transition. Over all, the process itself will take several years to complete, but I can’t (and won’t) turn back.

These past couple of weeks, I have been doing a lot of searching on what the process is, and I do know this is what I want to do. The hardest part is over, by coming out and telling my parents about who I am and how I feel.
This revelation is putting a strain on our marriage unlike all others. Over the past few days, our already stressed marriage has become worse, as the reality of my secret set in with her. She feels betrayed that I “led her on” for so long. My explanation – that I only recently had been able to admit my issues with even myself – understandably has fallen on deaf ears. Her world and her hopes for the future are shattered. This news to her shocks her as much as it shocks you. I’m sure that the only reasons that she has stayed have been her love for me. I know most of you, if not all think this is just a phase I’m going through and that it will pass, but it’s not. There are millions of other trans genders that are just like me.

After reaching this final conclusion, I decided that I needed to come out. I needed to begin the process of moving forward. I decided that I needed to share my secret – verbally – with someone who knows me and loves me. It was a few nights after I came home to Amy. She and I were laying in the bed chit chatting and all of a sudden, I said, without even realizing it “what if I told you that I wanted to be a female”. She asked me if I was joking and I said “no”. We talked a little bit more that night. I knew I had hurt her for the second time in a month period, but I knew it was time to come out. I could not hold it in any longer.

Since telling her, I have shared my secret with a select handful of people (friends and one co-worker) that I have grown to trust and who I was sure would be accepting and supportive. With each revelation, I’ve become more confident and comfortable with this part of me. It doesn’t scare me as much as it once did. As I told a friend recently, “as my discomfort with my current situation grows, my aversion to risk (i.e., that others may find out about me) slowly diminishes.”

I haven’t been to therapists or support groups yet, but those will start soon. I have learned much from what I have read online, and made some wonderful friends with others like myself. That was another frightening step to take. Before taking that step, I envisioned a pathetic world populated by the sort seen on talk shows and tabloids….drag entertainers, prostitutes, and men garishly made up as women. Instead I found caring people from all walks of life struggling with the same secret I felt so alone with for all my life. I now count among my friends other transgendered people who are computer programmers, police officers, lawyers, and, well, people from every walk of life who are wonderful, kind, supportive, and caring people.

I am absolutely certain that my gender identity is that of a female. I know this is a terrific shock to you, and I am sorry – very sorry – for the pain it must cause you. It is not something I have been able to face for over a decade. Now, I realize that it doesn’t “go away”…it’s who I am. I have to come to terms with it; I can no longer live within this perpetual pretension. I have finally realized that I did not choose to be this way, and that despite the stigma placed it by society, it is not something to be ashamed of.

Be assured, this is not something whimsical. Obviously, there is a great gulf between the “me” that you (and the world) have always known and the “me” that I have lived with since I was a teenager and feel I must to be true to now. This journey isn’t easily trod or even lightly undertaken; but it is something I must do. Luckily there are many resources available to help me. I do not plan to rush into this, but gradually and methodically take the steps to transition my life. I’m sure that you will have a thousand questions; and, in time, I will try to answer them all.

Like I said, I’ve come to terms with it. I’m not shouting it from the rooftops, but I’m not ashamed either. I know it may take time, but I hope you will not be ashamed either. I have prepared resources for you when you are ready for them. I realize too, that it may be some time before you will be ready to discuss this with me, and that is OK. I understand. I have agonized a lifetime over telling you this. This letter was so hard to write, and I have held back for so long to spare you the pain I know you now feel. But, I want you to be a part of my life. I will hope that, together, we will find a place in our minds to understand and a place in our hearts to love and support one another.

I will wait to hear from you. Take your time; this is a lot to digest. If, in the end, you are not able to find acceptance in your heart, I will understand. Like I said, it’s taken more than 10 years for me to reach this point; it would be completely unrealistic to expect you to be able to immediately embrace any of it. I hope you eventually can find acceptance in your heart and accept me and support me for who I actually am. I love you both.

Love Always

Jeremy (aka Mackenzie)

[ariannavt]

Am preparing to come out at work. This is my draft coming out email to the staff (I work at a relatively small company of 55 people). I shamelessly stole bits and pieces of this from other letters online.

Subject: Personal Note

Hi Everyone!

I want to apologize in advance for the length of this letter, but there is a lot I want to convey and this is as succinct as I was able to make it. It would mean a lot if you could take a few minutes to read the entire thing.

Over the last couple of years, you may have noticed some of the changes I have been slowly making in my life and to myself. Those of you connected with me on Facebook, or other online places, may have seen even more. For some of you this news may be obvious, but I suspect for most it will come as a surprise.

I am transgender.

Though I have mostly kept this a secret, I am tired of hiding it. Without going into detail about what it is like to deal with this, I think it is sufficient to simply recognize that being in any sort of closet is painful, depressing, and gets harder to deal with as time passes. Coming to grips with this has been a long, exciting, and often difficult process.

For some the news that I am transgender may be shocking, confusing, or perhaps even perceived as something negative. To me it is simply one aspect of my life (admittedly a large aspect) and nothing to be ashamed of. I have found being open and honest with people about who I am has been extremely rewarding, and the past year has shown me that this is the right step for me to take. That is not to say that being transgender is a choice. I am not deciding to become a woman; instead this is me allowing myself to be who I am, because I must. Trust me when I say that no one would willingly choose to face the discrimination and hate that being transgender brings if there was another option available.

While there will likely be slow changes to my daily appearance – such as the clothes I wear and my mannerisms (my gender presentation). I am not – yet - formally transitioning from male to female. There are still some logistical issues that I need to address, and frankly I am not quite ready to make such a wholesale switch. My goal with telling everyone this is to inform everyone what is going on to avoid rumor and gossip as I work through this process.

I hope that this news will not make any of you feel awkward around me. I am the same person you all know. I still have the same likes and dislikes, laugh at the same jokes, and have the same taste (or lack thereof). I know it’s going to be strange, and I know that it is going to be different. There will be awkward situations. I would just ask that you all treat me with the same respect you have shown me over the past (nearly) two decades. Beyond that, I can only hope that you do your best to see me as any other woman in the office, and forgive me any missteps as I find my way through this process of transition.

I have tried to anticipate some questions you may have at the bottom of this letter. I expect some of you will have questions beyond what I have covered here. I want to invite you to please ask them without fear. I am happy to answer questions anyone may have (if I don’t want to answer a particular question, I will say so); however, I would ask you to please direct them to my personal email address outside of working hours. While [OWNERS-NAME] was gracious enough to let me make use of the company email system to get this letter out to everyone at once, I would prefer to keep the disruption to a minimum. My personal email address is [EMAIL-ADDRESS].


Excited, nervous and scared,

[OLD-NAME] / Arianna

I’m guessing these may be questions you all have:

What name should I use when addressing or referring to you?
I am going by both [OLD-NAME] and Arianna (Ari for short if you wish). While it would be nice to get used to hearing my new name, for now you may use either. At some point in the future I will ask people to no longer use [OLD-NAME].

What pronouns should I use when addressing or referring to you?
Either “he/his/him” or “she/her/hers” are fine. At some point in the future I will ask people to exclusively use “she/her/hers” pronouns. At no point would “it” or “he-she” be appropriate or acceptable. I would also prefer not to be addressed as “dude” or “man” (as in, “hey man”).

What if I mess up and call you by the wrong name, or the wrong pronoun?
Since right now either name or pronoun is okay, it’s completely fine whichever you use.
In the future (when I have made clear that I am no longer using my old name and pronouns): if you make a mistake, but are trying, it’s still completely fine. Mistakes happen. Trust me it’s worse when >I< mess it up (and I do, all the time!) When it happens simply correct yourself (if you notice) or I will correct you (if I notice) – and it is no big deal. It will not be okay if you purposefully, or continually, use the wrong pronouns or name.

What should I do when someone else uses the wrong name, or the wrong pronoun?
I can only ask that you would do the same thing you would do if you heard someone accidentally used the wrong name or gender in reference to another person in conversation – you would correct them, gently.

Are you going to show up to work wearing [INSERT TYPE OF CLOTHING HERE]?
The long and short of it is that I will wear clothing I am comfortable in, and is appropriate for the workplace. Generally, I’d always prefer to just wear sneakers, jeans, and a t-shirt; however (sadly) that is not always appropriate attire for the office. It is likely you will see me in clothes that you may not have seen me wear before.

What are some of the terms I might need/be curious to know?

• Transgender: A term for people whose gender identity, expression or behavior is different from those typically associated with their assigned sex at birth. Transgender is a broad term and is good for non-transgender people to use. "Trans" is shorthand for "transgender." (Note: Transgender is correctly used as an adjective, not a noun, thus "transgender people" is appropriate but "transgenders" is often viewed as disrespectful.)
• Transgender Man: A term for a transgender individual who identifies as a man (see also “FTM”).
• Transgender Woman: A term for a transgender individual who identifies as a woman (see also “MTF”).
• Gender Identity: An individual’s internal sense of being male, female, or something else. Since gender identity is internal, one’s gender identity is not necessarily visible to others.
• Gender Expression: How a person represents or expresses one’s gender identity to others, often through behavior, clothing, hairstyles, voice or body characteristics.
• FTM: A person who transitions from "female-to-male," meaning a person who was assigned female at birth, but identifies and lives as a male. Also known as a “transgender man” or a “transman.”
• MTF: A person who transitions from "male-to-female," meaning a person who was assigned male at birth, but identifies and lives as a female. Also known as a “transgender woman” or a “transwoman.”
• Transition: The time when a person begins to live as the gender with which they identify rather than the gender they were assigned at birth, which often includes changing one’s first name and dressing and grooming differently. Transitioning may or may not also include medical and legal aspects, including taking hormones, having surgery, or changing identity documents (e.g. driver’s license, Social Security record) to reflect one’s gender identity.

What are some terms I should avoid?
There are probably too many derogatory terms to list all of them, but off the top of my head: “tranny”, “he-she” and “it” would top my personal list of terms never to use, and I hope we never have to discover any others.

What if I want to learn more about what being transgender means?
Ask me. While I am by no means an expert, I can probably point you to some literature, or answer some questions you may have.

[Zooey]

I've been full-time for about 6 months now, but I figured I'd add the letter I sent at work in case it helps anybody. The tone may not be appropriate for every office environment (I work in a pretty casual tech company), but you may find some useful bits.

Subject: You say goodbye, and I say hello

Hi everybody!

Don't worry, I'm not quitting, but I DO have some big personal news to share. What better way to do it than with something completely impersonal like an email?

I am a transgender woman, and my name is Melissa. I’ve been in the process of transitioning my externally-visible gender from “man” to “woman” for about a year now, but starting tomorrow (November 13th) I will begin presenting at work in a way that aligns with my gender identity. For me, the most important thing for people to understand is that this is about aligning my exterior with my interior, and living a more genuine life. While the surface may appear rather different in some ways, on the inside I'm very much the same person I've always been - it's just that now you're getting 100% of me.

Although this is a big transition for me, I’m trying to make it a smooth one. To that end, I’m more than happy to talk with you in person or via email/IM about any questions or concerns you may have. Please do try to be mindful of appropriateness. Generally speaking, if it’s something you would feel comfortable being asked by a coworker, I’m most likely happy to address it.

Your managers should already be aware that this change is happening, and both they and HR are available should you have any other questions or concerns. I will be WAH for the rest of the day.

Thanks, and see you all tomorrow for what is likely to be the most awkward day of my life.

FAQs & Resources:

What should I call you?

Melissa, she, her, they, them

I know that this will be an adjustment and will take time to get used to. This is especially true for those of you who have worked with me for quite a while. Please know that I deeply appreciate your best effort here. Outlook should be updated soon.

What restrooms/facilities do you use?

From now on, I will be using the women’s facilities. This is in accordance with both California law and [REDACTED]'s policies, but if you have any concerns about this, please feel free to reach out to me, your manager, [REDACTED] in HR, or [REDACTED], Director Diversity & Inclusion, depending on what you are comfortable with and/or the nature of your concern.

I know nothing about transgender people... Help!

That’s understandable – it’s new for a lot of people, and it can be complicated. While there are many resources available online and in print, transgender people are such a diverse group that any particular resource can sometimes feel too generic to be useful, or too specific to accurately/adequately explain any one person's experience. That said, I've found this FAQ to be entirely unobjectionable.

http://www.refinery29.com/transgende...e-an-ally-faqs

If you are interested to learn more about common transgender experiences, or my experience in particular, please feel free to come talk to me. I may be able to answer your questions and/or recommend some resources based on more specific areas of interest.

A Note From [REDACTED]’s Director of Diversity and Inclusion

[REDACTED] fully supports employees coming to work as their full and complete selves. For those whose gender identity or innate sense of their own gender does not match with that assigned to them at birth, unraveling and expressing it can be complex and sometimes difficult. Each co-worker who has made this deeply personal decision meets this challenge in their own way and in their own time. [REDACTED] in various ways will continue to support Melissa during this transition.

No communication or resource is fully applicable to every member of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community but here are some resources you can leverage:

Human Rights Campaign: http://www.hrc.org/resources/category/transgender
The National Center for Transgender Equality: http://www.transequality.org

[AmyGaleRT]

This is the E-mail message I sent to a number of people here at Beeline when I had started the name change process, also known as "The 'Dear Colleagues' Letter."

. . .

Subject: Dear Colleagues - Important Announcement

Dear fellow employees, business colleagues, and friends,

Executive Summary: I am transitioning to living and working full-time as a woman. This is currently projected to happen here at work on or about July 12, 2017. Once I’ve made the transition, please address me as “Amy” using the pronouns she/her/hers. I believe that everyone here will be respectful of this change. I’m still the same person you’ve known all along, just in a different aspect. Thanks in advance.

I hope this message finds you well. I am writing because I would like to explain something about myself, something which will be no surprise to many of you, but which may be a surprise to others. Briefly stated: I am a transgender individual, which is to say that I have been affected with a condition known as Gender Dysphoria, and I am alleviating that condition by transitioning to live full-time as a woman. My target date for beginning full-time work as a woman is presently July 12, 2017, subject to change if circumstances dictate.

I can’t say when exactly this feeling first came to me, but it’s been with me for a long time, even if I misinterpreted it, even to myself, for many years. It’s only within the last four years or so that I’ve really begun to come to terms with it, and develop the courage to let the woman that’s been within me for so long come out into the light, and through that learn to be of help to others like me. I am engaged in therapy with a professional therapist that specializes in gender issues, and am currently on cross-gender hormone replacement therapy (HRT), which will cause physical changes in my body consistent with being a woman. I have now started the process for changing my legal name and gender marker with various authorities, at which point I will be living as a woman full-time. Meanwhile, most weekends, I have been presenting, and continue to present, as a woman for all purposes.

As I mentioned, the medical term for this is Gender Dysphoria, otherwise known as “transgender” or “transsexual.” This is a condition that is well-documented in the medical community, and is not considered a mental illness. And it’s more common than you think; the current estimate is that 1.4 million people in the United States are affected by it, and I strongly suspect that number (recently revised from 700,000) is still low. The idea that a person can be of a different gender on the inside than they manifest on the outside is a difficult one for many people to grasp. It is confusing and often disorienting, but it is real, and it exists. And it should not be confused with sexual orientation; it does not have anything to do with that, and gender identity and sexual orientation should be considered “orthogonal” to one another, in mathematical terms. What it means is that I have been one gender on the outside, and another gender on the inside. The treatment for this is to match the gender identity on the outside with that on the inside, and, as there is no way to change my brain and heart, the solution is to change the outside.

In other words, I am not really “changing” genders from male to female; I am acknowledging that my inner gender has been female all along, and changing my outer appearance to reflect that, by transitioning to living and presenting as a woman at all times. I have already been living and presenting a large portion of my life as a woman already, now that will just be extended.

This is not the same thing as being a cross-dresser, drag queen, female impersonator, or simply a gay male. Inside, I feel as if I should have been female all along, and it’s only within the last few years that I’ve actually learned enough about myself to be able to do something about it. It may be difficult for you to understand, but, for me, it’s easier than behaving in an “unnatural” way. I have been suppressing that part of me, the real me, for a long time, and I don’t want to have to hide anymore.

What you really need to know, and what I hope you can understand is that, in the end I am still “me.” I have always been female on the inside - you just couldn’t see it on the outside. However, now you will. In a certain sense, I’m “refactoring” my life; in another sense, I’m adopting a newer and more attractive “user interface.” I want you to know that this will take some time, and I ask that you be patient with me. I have had years of practice, but I may still not get presenting as female correct all the time, since I have not had the years of learning that my female colleagues have had from birth; I have years of catching up to do, and will likely still be learning subtle things for the rest of my life. Feel free to either compliment me or tell me when something doesn’t work. Crowd-sourced feedback is invaluable.

When my legal name change is complete, and I am presenting as a woman here at the office, I will be known as “Amy Gale Ruth Bowersox,” and I ask that you refer to me as “Amy” with the pronouns she/her/hers. I will be patient with you if you slip and refer to me as “Eric” or with the pronouns he/him/his, until you get used to it. This can be difficult for a lot of people at first.

I am of the firm belief that people will be respectful of this change. If you have any questions, however, please don’t hesitate to ask. I will answer all of your questions as long as they are not too personal. It is important for myself and for the LGBT community to show you that being transgender is not deviant and we are normal members of society. I am still the same person inside that you have always known. Questions can also be addressed to Traci [HR director] and her staff; they are supporting me in this transition, and are learning a great deal themselves about transgender individuals and how best to support them in the workplace. I have agreed to be their “guinea pig” or “pathfinder” in hopes that it will help smooth the way for any other Beeline employees transitioning in the future.

I hope we can continue to be colleagues and friends, but, if not, I can respect that, but I hope you can refrain from criticism and ridicule especially behind my back. I can’t ask for acceptance from everyone. I don’t even really expect it. I just want everyone to know and I will continue to interact with you just as before. I realize that this news may surprise some of you while others will conclude that it is consistent with my personality or even that they suspected it. Believe me I have always tried to avoid facing it and have even gone to great lengths to hide it. The last thing I ever want is to hurt or embarrass anyone but, in order for me to find peace and happiness in life I have to make this change. I am hopeful that this will actually result in improvements in my performance here, too, as I will no longer be fighting gender dysphoria on top of everything else I have to deal with on a regular basis.

. . .

You can also see the message I used to come out on Facebook and Quora, which I called "The Announcement."

- Amy

[Samantha_Smile]

So I recently got outed at work.
I learned that I was the subject of gossip.
I decided to grab the bull by the horns and run with it.
Not the standard coming out, but it might help someone I guess.
This is a copy and paste from my public FB account,
---------------------------------------------------------------

Hello all.
Over the last few days it's been brought to my attention that I have been too trusting with people, and that they have let me down. I divulged information about myself with them and I have since become the hot topic of discussion at work.
First of all, if you have been responsible for sharing these details about me, **** you, Seriously.
This isn't a playground, this is my life. Stop gossiping like ****ing children and... I don't know... ask me about it?
Like an adult?
Have a conversation with me, I'm more than happy to talk.
But dont spread shit about me without having some facts.
I've blocked the person who outed me on literally everything I communicate with.
They had no right to discuss my life with anyone else, this was my call to make and now the oportunity has been taken from me. So if you're part of the spread, please remove yourself from my FB/my life in general, because you are *not* my friend.
But I've re-activated my FB today to make this post.
So if you've heard rumours going round, or even if you haven't, I'm going to lay it out here...
I am transgender (or atleast thats the best conclusion I can make).
I have been having issues with my gender in one degree or another for as long as any of you here have known me.
It's a side of me that has been kept hidden for 22 years.
These are problems that ultimately cost me a marriage and brought me close to ending my own life (but we won't pause in the darkness today).
In March I will be going to the Gender Identity Clinic for my first appointment after a *long* 18 months wait time.
Yes I have an instagram. https://www.instagram.com/samantha_jeckulz/
I also write a small blog. (It apparently won some award last year - 67th out of 100 :D)
https://sometimessamantha.blogspot.co.uk/
If you want a nosey at the apparent freakshow that is my life, please help yourself to any of the above links for more info.
So if any of you have a problem with any of this, I am offering you an get out of jail free card to remove yourself now.
No hard feelings, no grudge. If you have a problem with this then I don't need you in my life.
Statistically I will lose between 10-50% of my friends for this.
So far, from people I have told, I haven't even lost 1%.
I hope this continues, but I accept that it is not likely.
Peace xx
----------------------------------------------------------------------

(It got a LOT of 'likes' :D)

[LexiNexi]

The BEST I have seen so far a video from an awesome youtube trans women. I cried when I watched it. I wish I had this video when I came out. Really deals with having old school religious non LGBT friendly people. Spoken in your voice.

https://youtu.be/-qS_bhaVFYk

[Ceera]

This coming out letter just went out to my late wife's two sisters and their husbands and adult daughters. I am 61 now, and was married to their youngest sister for 30 years, before she died of heart failure, in Jan 2014. I am hoping they will be accepting, since they are very liberal families. My daughter and I usually only see them two or three times a year - visiting their home overnight for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and once or twice for Summer outings, like going to the zoo or an amusement park. Prior to this, they had seen me with polished nails, pierced ears with 3mm gold ball studs, and wearing women's jeans, but otherwise presenting male. Not sure they even noticed. As far as I know, they were unaware that I was cross dressing. I know this letter is rather long, but I felt they should understand that this does not reflect badly on the relationship I had with their sister. I plan to demote my birth-assigned first name, 'Jay', to a middle name. It's unisex, but not feminine enough for my first name as a woman. Dropping my old male middle name, which I virtually never used anyway.

===

11/23/18

To: *Names of my two sisters in law and their husbands*, and family

From: Jay *my surname*


Hi all, and happy holidays,

Before we set our plans for the Christmas Holidays, there have been some important changes in my life that you need to know about. In the nearly 5 years that have passed since *Wife's first name* passed away, I have done some extensive soul-searching, trying to determine where my life should take me from this point. Now that my parents and *Wife's first name* are all gone, I have no one who I feel 'answerable to', in terms of how I live my life. I have spent this time exploring who I am, what my needs are, and what changes need to be made, for me to be true to myself. I am hoping that you will all try to understand and accept these changes, even though this may come as a shock to all of you. You see, since August 10th of 2018, I have been living full time as a woman, and I have been on hormone replacement therapy for the last three months. If all continues to go well, some time after next August I'll get the surgeries, and be as female as medical science can make me.

The roots of this go very deep. I lived most of my life trying to live up to the expectations of my family. Two of those expectations were that, when I turned 18, I would join my father in the Masonic fraternal organizations; and that eventually, as the only son in the family, I would marry and try to have children - preferably a son, to 'carry on the family name'. So I did join the Masons, making my father very proud. I married *Wife's first name*, and we loved each other deeply. We did our best to raise our daughter, and while we didn't have the son my family wished for, at least my family knew we had tried.

But to follow this course in my life, I had to deny a very real part of myself. You see, I knew from in my early teens that I was, at the very least, bisexual. But I also knew that my father believed that you couldn't join the Masons unless you were strictly heterosexual. So I repressed any inclinations I had that were 'outside the norm', and didn't even privately think about such matters. *Wife's first name* knew and accepted this. But I had also agreed to be strictly monogamous with her, and I kept that promise to her, the entire time we were together. So those 'other inclinations' didn't matter. Or so I had hoped...

But looking back over my life, after *Wife's first name* was gone, I started to notice a pattern in my life. Since back in the mid 70's, when I was role-playing - either in tabletop games, or later on-line - I more often than not preferred to play female characters. And in an on-line environment, people who had played with me for years, but who knew no real details about me as a person, were certain that my female characters were being controlled by a real woman. Also, I had more and more often caught myself looking at women's shoes or clothes as I would walk through a department store, and wishing I could wear them - and I was wondering why I had those thoughts. Being a female in those games, or creating very believable female characters in the fiction stories I had been writing over the years, had become an 'escape valve' for feminine impulses that I was repressing in my day to day life.

I quickly realized a very significant part of my mind was female in gender, and that I was at the very least gender fluid - able to live as either gender role. So about six months after *Wife's first name* died, and with my daughter's full support, I experimented with 'being socially female'. I started going out in public as a woman, with a suitable wig and padding and makeup, and even carefully practiced changes to my voice, so I could pass a casual interaction without being seen as 'a man in a dress'. And I loved it!

More and more over the last four years, my social life has been spent as a woman. First at gay and lesbian clubs, where I was more likely to be accepted. But after the first year, that expanded to pretty much anywhere - restaurants, music venues, bars, anime conventions, or even grocery shopping or getting my car serviced. I found myself fully accepted as a woman in public settings. And I discovered I loved being seen, appreciated and accepted as a woman. It also really wasn't about sex at all. I am nearly celibate, and not particularly interested in dating anyone, of either gender. I'll dance with both men and women, but found I still pretty much preferred female company. As a woman, I am pretty much a lesbian. I ended up becoming friends with quite a few lesbians, who quickly accepted me as 'one of their own', even though they knew I was transgender. They saw in me what I hadn't quite yet accepted in myself. That in my mind, and in my heart, I was primarily female.

As recently as this last summer, that was as far as it went. I didn't mind living part of my life as a man, yet I really preferred living most of it as a woman. Both gender roles felt completely natural and right. I also thought it was a complete impossibility for me to get the surgeries necessary to fully transition. And the federal authorities only accept male or female designations for passports and VA healthcare - not an 'x' for 'non-binary' or 'gender fluid', like Oregon allows now on driver's licenses and birth certificates. If I had to choose one or the other, I would chose to be a woman full time. So I was planning on changing my legal identity to female, (which is easy to do in Oregon), but remaining male below the waist. That changed this Summer, with the startling revelation that my Medicaid insurance would cover the full cost of male to female gender reassignment. Hormones, mental health counseling, and even surgeries, they cover it all, 100%. I talked to my doctor, and we agreed that I should proceed with full transition.

I am out already to my side of the family, and to all my local friends and neighbors. The only person to reject me so far was my sister's husband. When he heard I was merely socially female, he immediately banned me from their home and his presence. That was why I couldn't celebrate last Christmas with my sister at all. He is the only one I want not to know about my full transition. He already gives my sister grief about how much he despises me. So we don't want him to know I am now planning on full transition, which would needlessly make that even worse for her.

Everyone else so far has accepted 'the new me' fully. I am happier now than I have been in as long as I can remember, with more friends than I have had since *Wife's first name* and I left Oregon and moved to Texas. I am using the given name "Ceera" now. When my legal paperwork goes through, in about three months, I'll be changing my legal name to "Ceera Jay *my surname*". In fairness to *Wife's first name*'s memory, I'll leave our shared grave marker saying my name as "Jay *my middle name and surname*". She was never married to 'Ceera', after all. In the unlikely possibility that I should re-marry, or have a devoted long term relationship going at the end of my life, I'll ask that my ashes be split between *Wife's first name*'s burial niche and my new Partner's burial arrangements, with that new grave marker showing my female name.

So... That is a lot to digest, I know. Maybe you had noticed my pierced ears, feminine nails, and women's jeans on past visits, and were just politely waiting for me speak of it on my own. Or maybe you guessed part of it, but were unsure how far it went. Now you know. Please let me know if you're still okay with including me in your family activities, as your 'new sister in law'. If you want to know more, or have specific questions, contact me, or we can discuss it over the holidays, if you wish. I sincerely hope that I can count on your support and acceptance. It's still me. Just in 'new packaging'.

Love,
Ceera Jay *my surname*

===
Update: The result of this letter was 100% acceptance and support from both of my sisters in law and their families.

[elizabethamy]

This one went to my graduate students: (I'm elizabethamy online, but Michelle IRL)

Dear students,
Since I won’t have most of you in class this semester, I thought I would write to you just to tell you of something big in my world that will, at least to a certain extent, interact with yours.
Today, January 7, 2019, is the day I chose a long time ago to transition publicly from (old-dude) to Michelle W. If you know any transgender people, you’re aware that I have been dealing with this for a long time and that this transition has been in the works for a while now. Those of you who thought last fall that I was capitalizing on my promotion to senior lecturer and being released of administrative responsibility to cultivate some kind of aging long-haired poet guy look – Walt Whitman in the university? – well, now the truth can be told. My hope is that one day this kind of event will be so routine that no memos will be needed, but at present I appear to be the first faculty member on this campus ever to transition genders while on the job here. So welcome to being part of a sliver of local history!

Going forward, I don’t expect to behave significantly differently than before, other than the fairly large difference of living in my real gender. At first having Michelle W around the program instead of (old-dude) might seem somewhat awkward, to you and to me, but we will all quickly get used to it. You’ll discover that I’ve become neither more knowledgeable nor less so about the world, nor has my personality changed in any obvious ways, except that I am already happier than I have been in decades.
I’m pleased to answer questions about this whenever you like. My office hours are ..., and you can always email me for an appointment outside that time.

In conclusion, I’m extremely grateful to the administration and my colleagues on the faculty, for making this transition more pleasant and validating than I had dreamed it could be. And thank you, dear students, for being there with me.

Sincerely,

Michelle W
The Professor
Formerly Known as (old-dude)

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

This one went to my faculty and staff colleagues (400 people, many of whom I do not know)...(I'm elizabethamy online and Michelle IRL)

Dear Colleagues,

You might not be familiar with Michelle W or the email address from which this email was sent to you, but you do know me. I’m the faculty member formerly known as (old-dude). I have waited for this day for many years and now that it’s here, I can live in the world full-time as a woman. Going forward, please call me Michelle.

By now you surely know a fair bit about transgender people. It’s something I’ve been aware of about myself for a long time, but have had a hard time facing. Last spring I finally decided to transition from male to female, and ever since I have been a much happier person. I don’t anticipate that changing or any difficulties in my being able to work as I always have.

Why am I doing this? Simply put, I feel compelled to live as my real self. I know that what I feel is literally impossible to understand if you’re not transgender, but transitioning for me does not feel optional in any way. It’s a core identity question, and once answered, is impossible to set aside forever; it nags at you until you can no longer brush it aside.

In terms of interacting with me, I would hope not much has to change for you. I’m still me with the same knowledge, quirks, jokes, flaws, and school supply needs. I’ll just be presenting differently, and though I expect that once in while people will slip up, please call me Michelle and use the old-fashioned female pronouns of “she,” “her,” and “hers.” Those are small things that, it turns out, mean a lot to transgender people.

With my students, I will discuss my situation briefly, ask if there are any questions, answer those questions for a few minutes, then go over chapter one as listed on the syllabus. I hope my example will enable those students (or faculty and staff) who might have their own gender issues to see me as a helpful resource.

I appreciate so much the assistance I’ve gotten from the leadership of our school (a few names). To know at the very beginning of this process that each of them was supportive means more than I can say. I’m glad that our leaders have big hearts! And I’m grateful to many more I haven’t mentioned.

Thank you so much for your support and collegiality. This school has been a welcoming environment for me since I first joined the faculty years ago, which is why I’m glad to be able to become Michelle as your colleague. I’m happy to talk with you personally at any time about my situation and anything related.

Sincerely,

Michelle W (formerly old-dude)


P.S. If you want to know more, I’m happy to say that our dean's office soon will be publishing its (already award-winning!) guide related to faculty-staff transition, which I encourage you to read. Meanwhile, here’s one good place to learn about transgender people: https://transequality.org/issues/res.../understanding

[Jazzy Jaz]

Perhaps some of you are bored with the ever evolving drama of the Rez or the continual chaos of this crazy big world, so here, I'll spice things up for you!

I am transgender, more specifically I am a trans woman, and at my core I am simply and completely a woman. Unfortunately I was born in a male body. And while I'm grateful to have a body, everyday feels like Opposite Day, or like being a fish spending it's life trying to operate the body of a horse. On top of that, everyone sees me as a horse and treats me like a horse when all I wanna do is frickin swim and be treated like a fish (guess I should be careful saying that to a bunch of Indians lol).

For some trans folks they are able to recognize that their bodies do not match or align with their internal identities from the very beginning as toddlers, or further along as kids, while for others it can be a long, gradual process of realization. For me it's been a long, gradual process. Nobody told me I wasn't a boy, and so it took me a great deal of time to fully understand why I felt so different from the boys/guys I grew up with and why I related so much more with the girls/ladies in my life and was so drawn to stereotypically feminine things like fashion, makeup, nails, soap opera's etc. As a kid I played with many toys that are generally assumed to be for boys such as army men and Gi joes, but I also had a cabbage patch doll and played with barbies and ponies. At 11 years old (1996) I began taking my sister's clothes. Lucky for me my mother also sold Mary Kay so I had access to lipstick, and my grandmother had this nice, shoulder length, black wig she used to wear that somehow ended up laying around our house for a long time, so, you know, score! (Thanks Nim).

From this time, through my teenage years and my early/mid twenties, I couldn't really grasp why I felt so drawn to these clothes, so comfortable, why they just felt so right. I was always on the shy side, and because I was attracted to females I thought that I was just a shy, respectful kind of guy, you know, like the ones in the movies who are rejected or overlooked for most of the time and then finally get the girl at the end. I didn't have the 'male game' that all the bros had, and so I rationalized that my wearing women's clothes was a way for me to feel close to a girl. The fact that you can actually be a girl in a male body didn't fully cross my mind (at least not consciously), and of course back then visibility and knowledge of the existence of trans people was minimal so it wasn't really on my radar. I knew that I was not gay, and so my attraction to men (yes, I like them too) didn't fit with me thinking I was a boy, so I remained partially in denial of this attraction up until the last several years. Don't worry bros, I've always seen you as my brothers. It just so happens that I've always been your sister.

It's been over the course of the last 10 years that I finally began realizing that my complete discontent with my body/voice/social expression, etc is because I'm actually a girl/woman and not the boy/man that the doctor at birth and society thereafter had indicated. One of the defining features of this 10 year period is that it contains my 3 romantic/intimate relationships, each one unique but sharing similar emotional/physical struggles on my part that inevitably led to complications within the relationships, especially the 1st and 3rd as the 2nd was fairly short. Not to say that I'm the only one who brought struggles and complications to these relationships, but definitely acknowledging the underlying enormity of mine. Though unintentional, each one of these relationships turned out to be a stepping stone on my path of self realization. I can only hope that our shared time together has become a stepping stone forward for these amazing women as well. I respect and am very grateful for all 3 of you. I want to express additional gratitude and sincere empathy for Terra as she is the only one of the 3 who knew about my journey of self realization from a year and a half into our 5 and a half year relationship. I am very thankful for your acceptance, patience, and support, as well as acknowledge the frustrating difficulty of dealing with the fact that your boyfriend is progressively realizing that he (she) is actually a girl and all of the aspects that were affected by that reality. If there's one thing I've learned from these relationships it's that it's nearly impossible for a girl to be a boyfriend.

So that brings us up to now. Though you all already know me, I shall reintroduce myself. I am Jasmine Flynn Xatma Sqilxw Peone, or Jaz for short. I am a bisexual woman. I go by she/her and am a sister/daughter/aunty/niece etc. I'm the same girl I've always been, just older and wiser and finally about to live as my true self. I've had the name Jasmine for about 20 yrs (2000ish) though for most of that time I was the only one who knew it. When going through names at the time, that was the only one that fit, the only one that felt completely right, the one that was simply me. Though I have great respect for those who do, I personally don't use the term 2 spirit to refer to myself as I don't believe in the literal meaning of having 2 spirits, again I completely respect those who do. I do believe in the metaphorical meaning of 2 spirit acknowledging the double oppression of being indigenous and being LGBTQ2+, though again I don't use it for myself as I don't wish to be interpreted as having 2 spirits. I am currently in the process of medical/social transitioning (a form of shapeshifting), which of course is part of why I'm currently sharing this with you all. I began taking testosterone blockers on March 4th and began taking estrogen on June 1st. I am officially socially transitioning as of now (June 8/9 2020). One misconception about being a trans woman that I want to clear up is that I am not a "man changing to become a woman", I am a "woman changing my body/social expression to finally align with who I truly am and have always been". The experience of being a girl/woman living inside a male body is completely and extremely frustrating (explains why our suicide rates are so high) and is very difficult to effectively describe to those who don't experience it. For me, some of my physical characteristics that bring me the most distress/dysphoria are #1 my voice, as well as my masculine facial features, my current male hair, my facial/body hair, my male smell etc etc etc......... basically the only body part that cooperates with me are my nails. Oh yah, and I do have slender, feminine fingers (thanks great spirit).

For moving forward this will definitely be a process. As I can't stand my current male hair, I will likely wear wigs most of the time (though wigs are not ideal) until my hair grows out a bit and the estrogen over time changes it's texture.Though I had secret access to my moms Mary Kay, I only ever played around with lipstick because our household was busy so I didn't have the privacy or know how to explore all the other makeup, I've only begun sporadically in recent years. This means it's gonna take me a while to get comfortable and confident with it, though I wish I could fast forward my skills a bit because I love makeup so much. My voice is going to be one of the most difficult, frustrating, focused, and time consuming parts of my transition, and will likely be a key factor in people misgendering me as he/him instead of she/her. It sucks that one of the hardest things to change is one of the characteristics that I hate the most, but hey, nothing like extreme motivation to make progress. I will be legally changing my name and gender in the next little while, and though my body will never 100% match with who I am internally, I look forward to this next chapter of my life and getting it as closely aligned with me as possible.

As a note, most trans folks value their privacy regarding medical/body/personal issues much like anyone else, however, perhaps due to me also being a teacher, I want it to be known to you all that I am completely open to questions and with me being an analytical introvert, I actually thrive on detailed discussions about topics/issues that interest and/or affect me, so ask away! Also, science is more and more confirming that people are born transgender and though numbers are not solidified, through statistics it is estimated that possibly .5 percent of the population may be transgender, that's 1 of every 200 people, so hopefully I'm helping pave the way for others who may not be ready or feel safe enough to emerge yet.

To kind of wrap things up here, I want to thank the family and friends who have known about me a little bit ahead of time for their support and acceptance. I thank my mom for the lifelong support, long before you knew about me and for always being here no matter what. I thank Grouse for your continuous love and support. I greatly thank Sheadon, Ava, and Hunter for your amazing acceptance and support, you are solid troopers for sure! I thank my sister Amanda for unknowingly providing me with my early wardrobe, it definitely helped me along my path. I thank my sister Hailey in advance as I know you will be one of my most steady, consistent supports in the long term. I thank my brother Dennis for being just straight up cool. I thank one of my dearest friends Sam for your very heartfelt support. Throughout the years I've had opportunity to be there for you and support you in different ways, and since I shared this with you in December you've been one of my greatest emotional supports. And I look forward to interacting with the rest of my siblings, parents, and everyone else as my true self. Also thanks to my nieces for their support. Thank you all in advance for your acceptance and support.

Finally, I just have to say-

Black Trans Lives Matter, Trans Lives Matter, and Black Lives Matter

in recognition of the epidemic of Black Trans folks, particularly Black Trans women being murdered in the US,

the pandemic of Trans folks being oppressed and murdered around the world,

and of course the continuing atrocity of Black People being murdered and oppressed by police and colonial systems in the US, Canada, and elsewhere.

As an Indigenous Trans woman I stand with you,

All my relations