I've been spending a lot of time with my father lately, transporting him from place to place and thus we've had many a conversation. Yesterday when taking him to the doctor (He's 89 and suffered a stroke five years ago.) I had a most poignant conversation with him about his childhood. He told me about my grandmother and how, after she gave birth to my uncle, she longed for a girl and when he was born she was disappointed to the point that she forced him to dress as a girl up until it became obvious that he wasn't.
After seeing his sadden expression and the tone in his voice when he spoke of this I would find it very hard to tell him who I really am.
So I'm having a bit of a conflict with myself that every time I dress that I am disappointing my father, being his only son amongst two daughters. The other part of it is; that I am subconsciously inflicting further pain upon him reminding him of a time in his life he would sooner forget.
So I remain hidden to this day with the exception of this board for which I am thankful. Because otherwise I'd have no outlet.
As Always,
Ilsa