After a lot of soul searching I finally realized I might be transgender and not just a man who likes dressing. I feel like I want to be a woman. Ive been dressing more and more around my friends and at home and it just feels right. But I don't want to lose my manhood totally. I still identity partially as a male though these days, especially as my working self. Because I still identity as a male I dont think I want to have any procedure that would prevent me from being able to pass as a man. So I dont want breast augmentation, FFS, HRT, or GRS. The only thing I think I want right now is electrolysis because Im not overly attached to my beard growing abilities. (Though I think I do look really good as a guy with a bit of five-o-clock shadow.) With electrolysis it would really help me look more feminine without losing my ability to pass as a man.
I did some googling on "non-op transgender" and it does seem like a lot of transgender women don't want GRS. But what does seem more unusual is to not want HRT or breasts. I feel weird in that I feel comfortable being an almost totally non-op transgender woman. I dont worry about passing really. I just want to own my current body and make it work as best as possible while not giving a shit as much as possible. If that means I will likely never pass as a ciswoman so be it. But I think a lot of confidence could make up for this.
I think technically I might be bigender or Two Spirit or dualgender or whatever because I dont feel 100% a man and a dont feel 100% a woman. Somewhere in between. And im ok with that. But I feel like within the trans community there isn't a whole lot of room for people like me and I worry that it'd be wrong of me to adopt the term transgender for myself. But I just dont feel like a crossdresser anymore. It feels like more than that.