what are we looking for?

[JessMe]

I found myself wanting to talk to yet another person about my "tg-ness"... and tbh, I'm still on the fence. Not because she wouldn't be trustworthy (she has a trans child), and not because I think she wouldn't "get it" ...but more because I'm not sure WHY I want her to know. At this point in my life I would love to transition, but I don't see it in my future. I've built a lot of life around passing as a "normal guy" and I have family and friends that I know, beyond doubt, that would leave me in the cold. ...so what is it that I'm looking for here? Any insight is appreciated, no matter how harsh or gentle.

[MelanieAnne]

I think to some extent, the main motivation for coming out to someone, is acceptance, validation, and for someone to say, "Oh My God you look just like a woman. You're beautiful, you look pretty", etc. This is dangerous if you are married, because no woman wants to be married to a man who looks better than they do, or has better legs than they do.
If you are single, you have more options, although you still have to deal with family and employers and co workers.

[AllieSF]

Well, once we have some idea what this is all about, including the highs and lows, I would guess that we are looking for balance internally and with our day to day lives. That does not necessarily mean coming out to everyone and even going the transition route. It is just trying to figure out how to make it all work and still keep our sanity and hopefully happiness. Good luck.

[Robin414]

Great post Jess...I think for me...I'd say acceptance for who I am (whatever the heck that is right now 😯 ) and honestly, for the most part I find it ☺ but I might just be living in my own dream...THIS house is my reality right now!

[Tracii G]

I would just like to be thought of as and treated like a female if I chose to present as one.

[kittie60]

Hi Jess. For the.most part we trans, or TV's are looking for acceptance that alot of us rarely get
In alot of cases friends and family turn on you once you come out. Now this puts more of a burden on are shoulders besides everything else in life. We need an outlet, someone we can talk too before it eats us up and spits us out. I would approach this person and bring it up casually and see how she feels. Also gender therapists are another way to help deal with it. However you handle it is up to you. I do wish you the best of luck and hope everything turns out alright for you. For me it didn't but thats another story.
Best wishes for you
Hugs

[mechamoose]

I'm about as likely to transition as a truck is going to transform into a motorcycle.

It is, I think, about acceptance. You just want someone to *get* you, right?

<3

- MM

[bridget thronton]

I think Tracii G expressed it well - for me anyway

[TaraGrace]

hmm, good question.

ps, I love the "no matter how harsh or gentle" remark - must remember to add something like that on a post if i'm seeking answers, thanks

So.. to try and answer your question;
well.. you've come out to people here, and there's a chance (like some have experienced here reading some other posts) that a local mail/delivery person knows too? But essentially that's all strangers, it would seem only logical to me a next step would be to share with someone in person that you actually know 'in real life'.

Looking at my own experience, when I came out the closet at 25 on my bi-sexuality, I choose a gay friend and colleague. Seeing you mention 'she has a trans child', perhaps you're thinking of this person because there's a higher chance of understanding? I know that was a reason for me to pick my gay friend.

And why not.. rather an understanding (maybe not so close) real life person.. I seriously doubt I will ever pro-actively inform close family for instance. (not that I would deny it.. but pro-active sharing? i think not)

But.. that goes for a lot of topics, certain things you just don't want to share, or god forbid learn about your parents too

Another point of view: it reminds me of my teen years too, and how the majority of my clique of friends was into alternative bands (Nirvana and such) .. I had long hair till half my back (sadly no photo's), band metal t-shirts, broken jeans etc. and still secretly I listened to techno and even penpalled with friends abroad about electronic music.. but never with my local friends.

Something as simple as musical taste, and yet I longed to simply speak to someone about it in person.
So yeah.. I think I understand how you feel, if I'm wrong - thanks for giving me the trip down memory lane just now

The one thing I would advise you to keep in mind is this: who to trust - and people are bad at keeping secrets.
Coming out can be game changers.. so perhaps make a step inbetween and find someone in person semi-local that has no relationship to your direct surroundings?

x Tara

[CarlaWestin]

I think to some extent, the main motivation for coming out to someone, is acceptance, validation, and for someone to say, "Oh My God you look just like a woman. You're beautiful, you look pretty", etc.

Yeah, Melanie. I totally agree. Thanks for saving me some writing
All I can add to that is, balance.
As in possibly being predominately female and then delving into crossdressing as a male when the devilish urge presents itself.

[sarahcsc]

Jess,

Your question demands attention.

Rather than exploring just your wanting to talk about your "tg-ness", why do people want to talk at all? It has to do with us being social creatures and that all of us will crave for some sort of relationship at least some point in their lives. The very fact that you are a member of this forum reflects that point.

Wanting to share something more intimate about yourself could reflect your need to build deeper and more meaningful relationships.

You mentioned "at this point in my life", which is very poignant and could possibly contain the answer you are looking for.

Many believe, that as they grow older, they would rather play it safe by not divulging secrets in order to prevent social suicide. But this is not the case for everybody, as some may feel the exact opposite too; whereby one feels lonelier as one ages that they yearn for deeper connections which could only be achieved by being their authentic selves.

Even if its just attention that you seek, it is never "just" attention. It could support a healthy sense of narcissism which boosts your confidence and self-esteem, which in turn spur you on to the next step of transition, and sustains you with the drive to continue on this meandering path.

We all want different things during different points in our lives. What is it that you want, right now?

Love,
S

[Lily Catherine]

Beyond acceptance, I'd say assurance and understanding are considerable reasons for a TG to come out. The desired reaction would in that case be for someone to sincerely say "It's okay mate" and "I know how you feel." An external reinforcement to know you aren't entirely isolated because of that one quirk.

The twofold validation of being considered a pretty girl, while mostly secondary, cannot be disregarded either. It'd be an affirmation perhaps of how you presented yourself as firstly female and secondly attractive.

[Kellitgdet]

I have not been able to figure out why there are times that I am more preoccupied with the desire to cross dress. I love getting my girl self on, it just feels so right. I so wish I could figure this part of myself out.