Why lie to your SO/wife?

[TrishaLake]

I find the story the same in allot of cases...guy is young ...crossdresses...slows through High school but does it, gets bigger in college like years ...finds his love ventrally and slows to almost zero...over time increases in secret...has kids wife good job stuff...seethe picture? Its not so easy, you put this away in a box and it comes out later...by then it is hard to be just honest as you have been lying! you thought it would go away..
Yes I see her point of view...but this whole thing is not black and white

[Lorileah]

by then it is hard to be just honest as you have been lying! you thought it would go away..
Yes I see her point of view...but this whole thing is not black and white

We know your point, most of us have been through that...but NOW your dressing and sneaking and going out behind her back or what ever...it may be an old habit but every time you do it it's a new lie. Your argument is like saying you had affairs when you were 20...you stopped but now you wanna do it again (or are) but since you thought it went away it's OK because you used to do it. So you do it...and you pray your wife doesn't find out NOW.

C'mon people put yourself in her shoes. She thinks everything is fine...but you're doing something you believe she wouldn't like so you hide it hoping she doesn't. AND then you're confused when it all goes south? OK you die, she finds your stuff...you don't really care how she feels, right? See no matter when you get caught it's like you think it's easier to apologize. But think for a minute...she won't trust you ever again. You say you stopped on the way home because you needed something from the store....she thinks "he stopped to do something else". You say you have to go out of town for work, she thinks "He's dressing up and going out with MEN." How would you think if she broke your trust? It isn't the FACT you dress...it's the fact you don't trust her. You think she can't make a decision on her own (or you think it will ruin your already distrustful relationship). It comes down to the fact you don't think she can think and reason on her own. You never gave her the chance to. You guys assume she has secrets, she may, but I can promise if her secret was as big as yours you would be out the door in a heartbeat.

[mechamoose]

Lorileah: +10

So.. put yourself on the other end. Your 'female' suddenly reveals that she was only lying to you, that she really wasn't who she said she was, and really was male all along. Sorry. You still want to share a pizza, right?

How would that make you feel?

Put yourself in those shoes, people. Don't believe for a second that your reasons are better than your partners.

That is quite self indulgent, and quite disappointing (At least to me)

Stop thinking about just what is easy for yourself. Seriously. Life is bigger than that.

- MM

[TrishaLake]

[QUOTE=Lorileah;3888910] So you do it...and you pray your wife doesn't find out NOW.

To your point I agree and I have....it was a very stressful period....but today I am a better person and she is much happier...and we are together.

[Launa]

Cowards and Liars..... Yes I am one of those individuals that have used these words in the past and I will stand here and say I own it. If your doing something behind your SO's back and it happened once then OK, it was a mistake say no more. If it happens all the time and you can't control it then buck up to the table and say it out loud.... For those of you that justify your lies well that's OK I guess, its up to you to check your moral compass and decide whats right and wrong. Just like having an affair on Ashley Madison

[Stephanie47]

Launa, you're really being judgmental tonight! Not telling one's wife about his interest in wearing women's clothing is akin to cheating on a wife through Ashley Madison? I think not! Sometimes ago back on 11/22/2013 someone said,

"Then said to myself one day I'll die and not have to deal with this shit. I don't wish to die but I hate this curse."

I suppose some are better able to handle this "curse" better than others.

[AngelaYVR]

So we can all rest assured that those throwing stones have thoroughly rid their lives of anything questionable whatsoever, right?
Hey, I did tell my wife and yeah it worked out great for me. Yet I have enough experience to know those who like to crow the loudest about how chaste and pure they are, are the people with the biggest collections of skeletons in the closet.

[Marcelle]

Yes . . . it must be lonely living among the perfect beings of the universe.

I say it again folks . .. have your point of view, live by it, own it, espouse the benefit of it as it applies to you but, never assume to think your way is the right/only way . . . smacks of arrogance. We all make decision in life and guess what . . . they are ours to make not anyone else's'. Will other people get hurt? Probably but that is for the person to wrestle with . . . their demons to fight. We are not the guardians of perfection and doubt anyone of us can say we are leading a perfect and righteous life in which nobody gets hurt. Some choose to come out to SOs. I came out to my wife when I first gravitated here as CD and found support and love early. When I announced I was TS, she stayed with me. Does that mean it is going to all unicorns and chocolate cake for everyone? No, it can go really bad.

So for those trying to shame others into your way of thinking, how will you feel should someone take your advice, it goes bad and that person does something drastic to themselves or those around them. Right . . . you won't care because we probably will never know about it but, you can rest on your morality laurels and continue playing cards with goddesses of the universe and other perfect beings. Now before you say "Oh come on, that has never happened and you are being dramatic!" Am I . . . pick up the newspaper and you will find that when people have everything and it is suddenly ripped away from them, they are capable of doing very bad things in desperation. Yes, you can argue the SO might find out eventually or perhaps she/he will not. If the person can manage it, hurts nobody (it is just clothes right?) and continues to be a loving and caring partner, parent, person . . . what difference does it make if they like to dress pretty from time to time? You all seem to equate dressing as a woman as something of shame/guilt/perversion what an SO should know about because why . . . not manly enough for you. The stigma runs deep doesn't it?

Cheers

Marcelle

[mechamoose]

Marcelle dear,

You have gone a route insanely challenging. I respect you like mad.

You could have lost everything you felt was important in your life, but there you sit. You took the risk, kept your spine stiff, and came out the other side. You won.


Members,

Truth is always going to end up better than lies. When a lie does come out (and it will) your secret will be viewed as betrayal. Yes, things may break, and break badly. So, what? You are being strong by sucking it up to spare them the risk?

Hiding a bomb doesn't spare anyone anything, I'd argue it increases the risk you are exposing them to.

If you're going through hell, keep going.

Winston Churchill

- MM

[Marcelle]

Hi MM,

I don't disagree However, what I would not / cannot ever do is set myself up as the moral guardian of what is right and what is wrong. I have done way too much in my life which precludes me from such a title.

Each of us must travel the path set for us and learn from whatever mistakes we make. The one thing I have learned in my 50 plus years of life, the minute we force a person down a pathway (even with the best of intentions), should things go awry it is that person who suffers the torment, not us. I will dispense advice should someone come to me and is struggling with which way to go (tell/don't tell) and I will give them both sides of the outcome and yes, I will tell them that the potential for things to go well is there . . . but I would never, ever in a million years say . . . it worked out for me so it will for you or that they are a bad person for not telling. A gentle nudge in a positive direction . . . yes. An outright forced push . . . for me . . . a big no.

Cheers

Marcelle

[mechamoose]

Please forgive me if I seem to be trying to force anyone to do anything. My intention is just to point out logical fallacies and to try and encourage people to put on your mate's shoes and look at it from their end.

<3

- MM

[Marcelle]

MM,

No apologies necessary . . . it is your view and I have no issues with that. I just feel that advice dispensed only has merit if both sides of the argument are given and the person is left to make that decision.

Cheers

Marcelle

[mykell]

Cowards and Liars..... Yes I am one of those individuals that have used these words in the past and I will stand here and say I own it. If your doing something behind your SO's back and it happened once then OK, it was a mistake say no more. If it happens all the time and you can't control it then buck up to the table and say it out loud.... For those of you that justify your lies well that's OK I guess, its up to you to check your moral compass and decide whats right and wrong. Just like having an affair on Ashley Madison

when you join here just by hitting the “complete registration" button to join takes courage !!!

comparing a crossdresser to an affair, coward and liar ????

lay out all your fears and inhibitions for the group to have at ( will you tell us next that you in fact turn water into wine, walk across crossdresser pond while it is not in a frozen state).....seems some moral compasses are tweaked up to 150%

those who told your wife, commendable, but look someone in the eye and judge them, a coward does it through a keyboard !!!!

does your boss know
does your neighbor know,
does your mom and dad know,
does you priest know,
does your drinking buddy know,
does your lawyer know,
does your doctor know,
does society know,

why not what are you a coward !!!!!

to much judgement from the general public has folks clambering for a safe haven from whatever ails them, then when they find a group of like minded to relate to and feel comfortable sharing themselves with and then those very same folks turn and judge them for the slight difference they may have,
maybe we can add some new forums down at the bottom of the page where they have more specialized forums....

Check out these other hot web properties:

“crossdressers who don't tell” ,
“crossdressers who arent gay if you want a man while dressed”,
“crossdressers that just like the clothes that sometimes stain theyre panties”,
“crossdressers who don't do enough for the community”,
“crossdressers that are just a regular crossdresser”
"crossdressers who dont have a clue how to crossdress"
"crossdressers that walk on water"
"crossdressers that hate caitlyn jenner"
"crossdressers that hate transgender"
"crossdressers that dislike sarcasm"
"crossdressers that dont participate"
"crossdressers that dont share pictures"
"crossdressers that are too crossdressy"

that list could go on forever......

[Launa]

@mikell
No just to clarify when I say there is a comparison to crossdressing and an affair its when you are going so far as having a stash of clothes, dressing when the SO is not around etc.. Coming on this site and trying to figure things out is not the same as an affair. And I'm not saying tell the world what you do at all!!!! Not your doctor, lawyer, accountant etc but the SO should know if your going that far. And yes I have done things that I would classify myself a coward and a liar too.

Me turn water into wine? I only wish I could!
[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Launa, you're really being judgmental tonight! Not telling one's wife about his interest in wearing women's clothing is akin to cheating on a wife through Ashley Madison? I think not! Sometimes ago back on 11/22/2013 someone said,

"Then said to myself one day I'll die and not have to deal with this shit. I don't wish to die but I hate this curse."

I suppose some are better able to handle this "curse" better than others.

Haha, yes coming out is a very hard thing to do and I still have many troubles and struggles, I wish it was easier for everybody!

[mykell]

No just to clarify when I say there is a comparison to crossdressing and an affair its when you are going so far as having a stash of clothes, dressing when the SO is not around etc.. Coming on this site and trying to figure things out is not the same as an affair. And I'm not saying tell the world what you do at all!!!! Not your doctor, lawyer, accountant etc but the SO should know if your going that far.

Me turn water into wine? I only wish I could!

i did not purposely single you out but "coward and liar" ....some have a pretty high and mighty moral compass here, like i said look me in the eye and judge me,

but why stop at the mrs. why not your lawyer, doctor, drinking buddies........."loud and proud" righteousness for all !!!! right. :drink:

[Launa]

i did not purposely single you out but "coward and liar" ....some have a pretty high and mighty moral compass here, like i said look me in the eye and judge me,

but why stop at the mrs. why not your lawyer, doctor, drinking buddies........."loud and proud" righteousness for all !!!! right. :drink:

Look were too far away to look each other in the eye. LOL And your absolutely right about the keyboard as anybody can type shit out, same as saying something on the telephone! I get it all the time when commenting on MSN etc! In this case here I'm only talking about the Mrs and thats what the thread asked was about the lies to the SO.

I don't jump on top of buildings and yell out who I am and what I'm up to but I'm out a fair bit and have thought if someone ever asks if its me then I will have to own it.

[mykell]

what works for one does not work for the other, if your busted sneaking around with this it hurts, telling an unsuspecting mate about this hurts, being judged by your peers here.....it hurts too. if i was starting a new relationship with this would i do it different, not your business to be up in my business...most here are way down the matrimonial paths and have the burden of dealing with the consequences.... made theyre bed and have to lye in it.....

words like "coward" and "liar" dont help anything.....

im not singling you out Launa, im being general here and in the other threads that get contentious here....

[Launa]

what works for one does not work for the other, if your busted sneaking around with this it hurts, telling an unsuspecting mate about this hurts, being judged by your peers here.....it hurts too. if i was starting a new relationship with this would i do it different, not your business to be up in my business...most here are way down the matrimonial paths and have the burden of dealing with the consequences.... made theyre bed and have to lye in it.....

words like "coward" and "liar" dont help anything.....

OK I GET IT!!!!!

And sorry, I don't want to hurt or make it a worse problem for anybody either!!!!

[donnaS]

If you you have never kept anything or made a mistake or never lied to your wife/SO, then you may cast the first stone. And I am willing to die by your stone.

[Lori Kurtz]

Not telling one's wife about his interest in wearing women's clothing is akin to cheating on a wife through Ashley Madison? I think not!

For me, crossdressing was very much akin to cheating on my wife. It was a sexual activity that took energy away from my relationship with her; it gave me sexual pleasure at her expense, without her having the opportunity to understand what was (and was not) going on between the two of us. There is so much diversity in what the experience of crossdressing means, that our discussion is not well served by universalizing anyone's individual experience. I certainly wouldn't reject anyone's assertion that he/she engages in crossdressing in a way that is not destructive to the honesty that a good marriage requires--for some, the crossdressing, even though secret, might be perfectly harmless. But I know from experience that secret crossdressing can definitely be harmful to a marriage, because I know that my secret life was harmful to my marriage long before my wife discovered the truth and decided to end the marriage.

[Kimberley May]

Well, I've decided not to tell my girlfriend. We kinda touched on the subject last night and she suggested she finds it too odd for a guy to wear women's clothes (despite her wearing mens clothes from head to toe).

So in my case it's more on a need to know basis. So personally she doesn't need to know, as while we are not living together I will continue with my secret double identity, and if/when we decide to move in together like a proper couple then I will purge and give it all up. Sure I'll miss it a little but it's not denial. I'm happy enough being a guy, and wearing drab. I've lived all of my life in drab anyway. So she doesn't need to know, and what she doesn't need to know can't hurt her. It would be senseless to damage a good relationship over a small kink I occasionally dabbled with which I'm able to give up anyway. To me they're just clothes as nice and comfy as they are. Unless we move in together (it won't be for a while anyway) I will just continue to enjoy any time I have left alone.

Besides, I will compensate a little and find any mens silk/satin nightwear, and still try grow my hair long.

[mechamoose]

For me, crossdressing was very much akin to cheating on my wife. It was a sexual activity that took energy away from my relationship with her; it gave me sexual pleasure at her expense, without her having the opportunity to understand what was (and was not) going on between the two of us.

Think about that for a few moments.

Cheating on your partner is directly betraying promises you made to each other. Direct, personal promises.

When I'm confused and lost, I go to my best friend... my wife. There is no problem so large or horrible that I could not trust her with that. Sure, she may get pissed off and leave. We did have a break and spent two years living apart. We are together now some 11 years after the fact. I would trust her with anything.

While I am not trying to universalize anyone's experience, there are universal things. Truth is #1 on that list for me.

Lori K: Think about what secret crossdressing entails. Find time alone. Find time when you can do whatever without being discovered. Clean it all up before anyone else comes back so you can go back to your 'old' self.

Ok, so maybe it shares the same logic paths as cheating, but I don't think it is the same. Cheating is awful. Cheating is throwing all your assurances into the wind. it is betrayal. Identity changes are just that, changes.

Being girly is NOT as bad as that. Not all lies are equal. I am a binary thinker, and that is too far even for me.

- MM

[char GG]

@Kimberley May

(despite her wearing mens clothes from head to toe).

Is this a true statement or your spin on your wife's clothing? Does she buy her clothes in the ladies or men's section of a store? Is jeans only "men's clothing"?

It is annoying to see this statement reiterated over and over. Most women don't buy "men's" clothes! This is not the 1920's.

Oh, by the way, if the post was was written by a women and she said "despite my husband wearing women's clothing from head to toe" bla bla bla; you wouldn't like!

Back to the OP's comment, don't lie to your wife. Someday it will bite you in the butt and trust is hard to repair.

[Stephanie47]

Lori, your comment at #95 is not akin to going outside your marriage to engage is some affair with another woman or man. Yes, I can agree there may be a lot of sexual energy that is expended on yourself rather than your wife. I think that is a different issue rather than cross dressing in general. Over the decades I've seen marriages destroyed because sexual energy has been expended on others. But, marriages are also destroyed when a man or a woman is also consumed by other activities. I've seen many many marriages destroyed because all of the man's energies have been consumed by hanging out with the guys, fishing, golfing....basically treating his wife as a sex object at best and a domestic slave to keep the home neat and clean and raise his off spring. If anyone is consumed by a compulsive disorder, and, it does not have to be cross dressing, then some counseling is in order. As it has been said numerous times on this site, many times cross dressing takes the blame because it is the last straw or the patsy for a litany of other reasons that were destined to destroy a marriage.

[mechamoose]

The whole thread is causing me to ask myself a poignant question.

What is a Marriage?

WHY did you link up with that person? THAT person.

Was it because they pushed the right buttons in the right way?

Was it was because they liked you and you liked them back?

Was it because they fit you like a glove, filling in your gaps while you filled theirs?

Go back to the day of the proposal. What was in your heart that day?

Aren't they the same person then as now? Did they somehow end up as a 'room-mate with benefits'?

Everything changes in a relationship when you move in with someone. I get that. Marriage is different. It is the biggest legal contract you can partake in with only a holy man to advise you. No lawyers. If it was a business or financial choice of that magnitude, you wouldn't dream of doing it without an attorney. But we did.

However: We made oathsworn promises that day because we WANTED to. We went there willingly for THEM. *Because* of them.

Why can't you trust them now? What happened?

Why don't you trust your mate?

Are you afraid of loss? Pain?

Just think about WHAT you are afraid of please. Reflect on that and WHY you are afraid of that. I get that life isn't perfect. I get that nobody wants to be isolated. That isn't enough of a reason to hide.

Please, don't react based on fear. You are better than that.

- MM