OK, so let me start this post off by saying my brain is pretty much fried right now due to work, school, lack of sleep, and personal thoughts so I apologize for any incohesion.
So approximately 2 years ago, when I initially came out to my mother, I brought up my crossdressing as me being transgendered. I brought it up this way because that was how I FELT. At that point in time, I didn't do much research into the topic because I was a stupid, and that was just how I felt. I felt like I wanted to be a woman. There was something more to this crossdressing thing. During my discussion with my mother, she eventually concluded to herself and somehow to me, that I was wrong. I just liked crossdressing. I didn't want to be a girl, that's silly.(On a side note, when I told my aunt in private about it, she told my uncle, who then said 'I was just seeking out attention'. Big slap across the face there).
Anyways, so since that night I always continued to repress thoughts of actually becoming a woman and just embracing my crossdressing. I think that was a good thing, as well as a bad thing. Good thing, because I learned a lot about myself concerning my crossdressing and learned a lot of new things I didn't know. But a bad thing because now, the repressed thoughts of me wanting to become a woman have now hit me like a boulder these past few days. I've researched into these thoughts and feelings and learned that it's more than possible for these feelings to be telling me something. It's possible that at the age of 20, I can learn later than most, than I want to become a woman.
Ever since I started crossdressings, way back when I was 10, I had feelings in the back of my mind that were of wanting to actually become a woman. It's not a new feeling, just something I haven't actually listened to.
I feel like I'm leaving a lot out, but those thoughts just evade me. I will having dinner with my mother a couple nights from now, and I'm going to tell her these thoughts. Becoming a woman is something I have to do. These past couple of days, literally whenever I've had a chance, have been spent researching MtF transitioning, and all of it sounds like it's right for me.
I have some expensive expenses coming up in the next month, but sometime soon I plan on scheduling an appointment with a gender therapist to actually get this sorted out. I need to be sure on this.
Thanks all for sticking with me through this vent, I needed to do it.
Toodles!
Many TS folks have gone through what one of my post-op friends calls her "crossdresser phase" on their voyage of discovery so I wouldn't worry a lot. You don't have to get everything exactly right in one instant and, frankly, if you can work out that you're TS (or not) at 20 you're miles ahead of the game, not late at all.
