Wife of CD looking for opinions i guess

[Seekingclarity]

So my husband told me about his desire to CD a few months ago. We decided to dress together and I helped him with his make up and stuff. It isn't anything I ever thought I would enjoy but i did with him. He was very attentive and we made love and kissed and played all night. Now fast forward to only our second time dressing together and it's a completely different story. It started out good. I helped with his make up.he had bought some of his own clothes and such but the more he got,into it the less he wanted anything to do with me. It felt like he didn't even want me in the room. Other thing that happens made me feel like he does want to be with a man instead. I'm afraid 20 years down the road, once he realizes the depth of his desires, he's going to tell me he's gay and in love with someone else and I'll be,left with nothing. We are new to doing this together and he doesn't talk to me about what he likes or what's so I can learn more.it makes me feel very self conscious. I told him if we are going to do this together that he needs to open up to me more and talk to me and that He's not the only one that is vunerable. On one hand I'm glad he shared it with me. After our last experience together it left me feeling sad and alone and he doesn't seem to care.

[JenniferR771]

Not sure I can help--but after ten minutes, Thanks for posting. You are a rare and valuable gem. He is so lucky to have a woman who is at least somewhat cooperative. He is being so self-centered.

It is not likely he is gay or will leave you for a man.
Crossdressers are intensely interested in the idea of appearing as a woman. It is an intense emotional experience.
Insist that he reciprocates and does something nice for you. He needs to talk. Its a partnership.

[Lana Mae]

Communication is the key to any relationship! Most men who crossdress are heterosexual and not gay! You have to find a way to get him to open up to you and make this a shared experience! Best wishes going forward! Hugs Lana Mae

[jennifer0918]

I want to applaud you sweetie your a very good wife and your husband should appreciate you more he is so lucky to have you. This is a tough one and only time will tell. Just a tought try to reverse the roles next time you be the aggressive one . I know for myself I can never be with another guy,I love everything femme so much and consider myself a lesbian. You have done plenty the ball is in his court let's see what plays out he should be more open to you.
Good luck
Your wonderful darling more wives should be like you.
XOXOX

[Jaylyn]

I think every situation in dressing is different. My wife helped me learn makeup applications, even shared clothes of hers with me, and has bought Jaylyn presents. We also had some very hot times in the bed room with us both dressed. In my case she is the one that has lost interest in my dressing somewhat. I think that she just thought it was a kick that would go away but it hasn't. Another thing she is scared someone in our small town might find out and we would be ran out of town. Who knows but I have gone back to dressing on my own time when she s not around. Her moods have changed on many different things and sex is one of them and my dressing is high on the list as well.
I'm still a very manly man but I have a fondness for dressing. Here's what could be happening with your hubby. Sometimes I'm feeling I between manly and femme and I hide things behind her back as I feel less manly to her as I once did. I'm not leaning toward gay but have wondered about it if I was dressed. I feel guilty sometimes also about it. In my case it seems as we get older we are too cmfortable and any change can trigger a weird feeling inside. This is when I wait till my wife and I are having a great day together and then we talk deeply about feelings. We call it just laying out the facts of how we are feeling right then. It has helped some. Don't know if it will help in your case but it has worked in mine. Every marriage has its ups n downs.

[Kalisopwith]

You are a rare gem! I think most of us think we are going to have to keep this hidden so it may take more time for him to open up. You are doing the right things and just keep trying to communicate with him and telling him you are wanting to know what is going on his head!

[Tracii G]

Just because he likes to dress up doesn't mean he is or will turn gay.
Gender expression and sexual preference are not the same thing but most people don't understand that.
Him just coming out and telling you he likes to wear womens clothes is a HUGE thing because most guys would never admit it so that alone shows he trusts you.
He may be feeling self guilt for enjoying it but I agree you two need to talk.
He has entrusted you with a deep dark secret so give him time to accept himself first.
Welcome BTW its so nice that you came here.
Be aware when you ask for opinions you might get responses that you don't like but don't take them personally.There are so many different people on here with different opinions so be aware.

[Seekingclarity]

I know that most CDs are not gay. Its just after this last time I think he want to explore with a man. He hasnt,come,right out and said it but his behaviour and actions said it for him. I wouldn't be ok with that as I would consider it cheating but I'm scared he might do behind my back. I didn't mean any offense.

[Stephanie47]

I do concur with others who have indicated the vast majority of men who enjoy or need to wear women's clothing are straight. That may be difficult to believe for many women. Cross dressing flies in the face of all societal norms and expectations. You made the statement "Other thing that happens made me feel like he does want to be with a man instead." I do not know what else he did or wanted done. However, if he has fantasies and wanted to act them out in role play that may make it seem it is "more than just the clothes." Most cross dressers wanting to emulate a woman do want to appear like a woman to the most extent possible; breast enhancements, hip pads, wigs. That is more than just slipping into a dress and heels.

If you felt you were being excluded or ignored that may very well be. To have a wife who is openly engaged in her husband's cross dressing may create the "little kid let loose in the candy store." All the pend up anxiety and frustration of not being able to dress openly and freely may have sent your husband into a whirlwind of exploration. If that is the case, then he needs to be brought down to earth. I'm sure if you perused the threads on this site you have seen so many cross dressers just go overboard when they have some time to indulgence themselves in dressing.

You need to have him enter into a serious dialogue when something makes you uncomfortable. Many women will indulge their husband's cross dressing, but, keep it out of the bedroom. Inviting the cross dressing into the bedroom may have made your husband feel there were no boundaries. Like any other issue in a marriage a spouse needs to talk up if there is an issue. Playing like an ostrich or ignoring the elephant in the room never works in the long run, and, it makes corrective action in the future more difficult.

[Tracii G]

I know you didn't but maybe you are reading too much into his actions?
Thoughts can run wild and I understand why you worry about it.
Is possible he isn't sure himself what is going on and is as confused as you are about it all.
Its common for CD's to fantasize about being with a man as part of the whole "female experience" but 99% will never act on that fantasy.
I would consider it cheating too.
The only way to know how he feels about it is to ask him.

I agree with Stephanie47 on what she posted.

[Seekingclarity]

Yea Tracii, that might be exactly what it is. Thank you. You've been helpful

[Tracii G]

You are welcome Clarity.
Each person is different and there is no rule book on CDing so the possibilities are endless as are the reason why we do what we do.
No black and white scientific protocol on how to deal with it either so we are all on our own to find out what works best for us.

[Seekingclarity]

We did talk a little and he said it was too much too fast. So that does help.

[sherri]

Dear clarity, as this thread and many others make clear, crossdressing and an interest in gay sex do not automatically go hand in hand. Many CDers are unwavering heterosexuals dressed or not dressed, and a few even profess that their dressing isn't about sexuality at all. If your husband is one of those then you'll have to look elsewhere for explanations for the perceived disconnect.

On the other hand, for perhaps just as many CDers, dressing most definitely involves a sexual dynamic and moreover, it awakens a desire for a more complete feminine experience to the point of a rather intense desire to play a perhaps stereotypical female role leading up to and during sex. In this category, it is not at all uncommon to hear them comment that they're not interested in or attracted to men in the same way gays are, they just want to be desired as a feminine partner and experience sex the way a woman does with a man. This is a very important distinction.

If your husband falls into the latter category, may I suggest that the two of you might consider occasionally swapping gender roles in the lovemaking department. This might entail you becoming more aggressive or forceful in your interpersonal dynamic leading up to sex, and, with the assistance of proper equipment, acting out the masculine role during sex (I'm trying not to be too graphic here, but you probably get my drift). I don't know how you feel about such a scenario, and a certain amount of initial awkwardness for either or both of you wouldn't be surprising, but personally, I think the prospect could be a lot of fun and very fulfilling at least for your husband and maybe for you too. I'm not saying it would have to be that way all the time; in fact, imo your willingness to satisfy his need in such a way should inspire him to be more attentive to your needs, too. A little quid pro quo, in other words.

Only the two of you can figure out how to broach subjects like this, and he may be embarrassed to admit or act out his need to you, but however you go about this, you should make it abundantly clear that dishonesty and infidelity will not be tolerated. You are being loving and gracious enough to accommodate his needs, so the least he can do is treat you with respect and consideration. Pink fog is no rationalization or excuse for cheating.

[susan54]

There are no reasons to assume he is gay. Statistically, he probably isn't. And lots of us do not have fantasies about being with a man when we are dressed up. One possibility I could relate to is that he sees himself as very much male in your relationship and he has voluntarily surrendered part of this. It can be very difficult to do this and he possibly feels very awkward. Reassurance will help but he also has to see it from your point of view and accommodate YOUR feelings. It's only fair. Good luck.

[docrobbysherry]

Clarity, communication in a marriage is the key to it working. In my experience, when that stops, the intimacy soon stops. Then, instead of partners u become roommates. And, your "marriage" is over. Whether u stay together or not.

U need to get him to discuss this and every issue u 2 have. He may be reluctant to talk about it because he's not sure what he wants yet. If u won't talk with u, try to get in to see a counselor together. Many people can talk easier with a professional in the room. If he won't do that either? Sadly, your marriage may not work.

[Seekingclarity]

Any tips on how to get him to open up a bit? When I ask questions like what does he want from me or what for himself he just says Idk. What would be good questions to ask?

[Kate Simmons]

Communication is indeed the key as it's mostly about feelings. It also helps for partners to be honest with one another in sharing those feelings.

[sherri]

I think the first thing I would try to find out is the root of his confusion or reticence about sex or about some other dynamic between the two of you. Maybe it's all of the above. I didn't start dressing until after my divorce but I've often thought about how difficult it would have been to be open about Sherri with my ex, to actually be Sherri around her. About the sex, one clue to what's going on might be to find out if he would like to be penetrated; if so, that's a pretty big indicator, imo -- sort of a tip of the iceberg kind of thing.

[JulesLynne]

Wow, you’re an amazingly supportive wife, so thank you for coming here and opening up to us. Although everyone here has slight differences, the average CD is heterosexual, self conscious about dressing, yet wants nothing more than to be accepted by his spouse. I hope he realizes how rare you are in accepting and helping him. Having said that, my suggestion is for your to openly voice your concerns back to him. It’s possible that his dressing extends into the sexual realm, but it’s also possible that he could be feeling guilty and embarrassed. Communication and time will reveal the truths.

[Asew]

It's awesome that you are here for advice. I think the biggest thing is communication, and I know when I came out I didn't want to be selfish and talk to my wife too much about it but if she wanted to talk about it it was easy to talk about it. So just talking will help learn more about his version of crossdressing.

[ChubbyLeahCD]

Clarity, I think that you are the wife that most of us would love to get!
If my wife fully embraced me and agreed to dress up and help me out and we played together, it would be a dream come true!
Maybe he froze because he didn’t expect such a positive reaction!
Keep being this awesome wife and I pray more women like you are out there, my wife included!

[Stephanie Kimberlie]

Very understanding. Need more people like you for support.

[Pat]

Any tips on how to get him to open up a bit?

Tough question with a guy. On the one hand, he might really not know, on the other he might be afraid that if he says what's in his heart he'll lose you. For political correctness reasons I hate to suggest alcohol but some form of social lubrication and conversation with the lights out or low to give him some feeling of cover might help. All I can say for sure is that it helped me when I was in his position. The other thing you can do to draw him out is to slip references into daily conversation -- get him to admit he likes someone's shoes at the mall, tell him a particular outfit might look good on him, etc. can get him comfortable speaking on the topic without being on the spot and then after a while, you can have The Conversation.

What questions to ask? Tougher still. The two first questions most trans folks get asked are "Are you gay?" and "Do you want to be a woman?" (in no particular order.) And while they're not bad questions, they're a little full-frontal. A less aggressive tack might be to ask what would make him happy? Does he want to go out with you presenting female? Would he like to get his ears pierced? Does he want to wear female underwear under his street clothes? At this point you control the conversation, so ask about things you'd be willing to deal with. You're both going to have to grow into this if it's going to work. Small steps for you both are probably best.

There are many couples who stay together through this. I'm not married, but my girlfriend and I have been together 17 years and she made the journey with me from closeted to out and presenting female 24/7. Good luck.

[jacques]

hello,
I (perhaps like many members of this group) find it harder to understand my cross-dressing than my wife does. I have spent decades thinking i was not normal, trying to hide from my need to cross dress, trying to hide it from others ... bottling it all up. Clarity - perhaps your husband has been doing the same and now all of a sudden needs to work it all out again. Give your new relationship time and I am sure that all will be well.
luv J