Wife doesn’t understand

[Lisa-blue]

Hi

My wife doesn’t understand me cross dressing and doesn’t allow it. What should I do?

[Macey]

Step one is underway, talk to us! I'm afraid I couldn't help much, my wife is understanding, but I can listen! What's the story?

By the way, if you haven't done so, the mods require you make an introduction post in the introduction section.

[Patience]

Hi, Lisa. Welcome.

I guess your immediate options are:

1) Stay married, never dress
2) Stay married, dress in hiding
3) Don't stay married.

There may be others. Which option you choose is up to you. No one can decide what you should personally do. It's your life (and your marriage), not ours. Good luck.

[Micki_Finn]

If only we could solve your problem in a forum thread. Lol. Welcome to the forums. About 60% of the space here is used in discussions of how to navigate relationships. The only simple answer is that there are no simple answers. I suggest you start by reading through the posts that are up already. If those don’t help, or you need something more specific to your situation, please feel free to fill us in on details and we’ll help as best we can. But basically, she’s going to either accept or she isn’t and there’s not a whole lot you can do to MAKE her accepting or understanding.

[Meghan4now]

Micki, as usual, is on the money. I think your question is very broad, and we really know nothing about you, you wife or your situation. Start of slow, with some specific and finite questions or issues that you are trying to work out. But remember this is a forum, not a counselor session. Not everyone will have a great suggestion for you.

But good luck and unravel your thread, if you will.

[Crissy 107]

Yes, we need more details before any of us can even attempt to give some advice.

[char GG]

Hi Lisa-blue.

Welcome to the forum.

There is a "sticky" at the top of this section called "Tips to an SO's acceptance". That post may be very helpful to you.

[Helen_Highwater]

Lisa,

Welcome. As others have said a bit of detail is required. So she knows but how? Did you tell her, were you discovered dressed, did she find your femme clothing or were you wearing hers? . When you say she doesn't allow it does that mean you don't or just dress when she's not there to see? Finally, how long have you been dressing? Context really helps

[Tracii G]

Welcome.
Micki is spot on.
First thing you need to understand is your wife doesn't have to understand/accept if she doesn't want to.
A marriage is a partnership its not all about you.
A bit more concise information would help us to understand more about your situation.
There is no right and wrong way to navigate crossdressing so no black and white answers for us to give you.

[Charona]

It isn't just wives who don't understand. I'd say anyone who isn't a crossdresser doesn't understand. For that matter, even some of us who do crossdress aren't completely sure why we feel compelled to do it.

[alwayshave]

Hi Lisa, Welcome to the forum. That is the $64,000 dollar question. I told my wife early on when we were dating so I had the answer before we moved in together. Once married, there seems to be a power switch in most western relationships. Most you can do is go to a therapist together and hope she comes around.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Lisa , Welcome to our forum, When you are here you are home.

What ever your question, There is a 99.875% chance that one or more of us will have an answer for you

Some wives are 100% for CDing , some fall in the middle and some are 100% against CDing,

It sounds like you drew the Short Straw It is up to you to figure out your priorities. >Orchid ...+..

[karynspanties]

You will never change her mind so you need to decide....can you live the rest of your life without dressing? My quess would be no. If you secretly dress, you WILL GET FOUND OUT. What will the outcome of that be? She married a man and now that she knows you wear womens clothes.......she will never look at you or think the same way about you again. Sexual activity may even start to be less......she will be thinking of you dressed as a woman and that will turn her off. Letting the cat out of the bag is a huge crap shoot. Sometimes poop comes back and hits you in the face. If she is dead set against you wearing any female attire....no amount of counseling is going to change her mind. I would think about an attorney and how things will get divided up.

[Maid_Marion]

The most realistic solution is to talk about it and hope she comes around to some sort of acceptance. Even in the best situations it is wise to proceed slowly to make sure you are both "on the same page." The usual disaster involves leaping ahead.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Hi

My wife doesn’t understand me cross dressing and doesn’t allow it.

Welcome to the forums!
Your wife would seem to be in good company, since there are many of us who don't understand our own needs to dress, or more.
We give many reasons for why it is comfortable, or pleasing, but few of us can explain why.

What should I do?

That depends on:
1 - how important is dressing to you?
2 - how important is your marriage?

You can not "make" her accept it or tolerate it. The two of you may be able to reach a compromise, but I would strongly suggest couples counseling.

[Mermaiden]

I crossdress, and like Charona said, I don’t know why I CD, and have given up trying to figure out why. I really just know how it makes me feel.The point being, it is reasonable for your wife to not understand why you crossdress.
The not allowing part of her raises the opportunity to ask her why she doesn’t allow it, and to ask if there are things you can do - maybe panties only?, CD when she’s not home?

[Jodie_Lynn]

[QUOTE] maybe panties only?, CD when she’s not home? [QUOTE]
This doesn't always work, or is a viable option for the spouse.

In my own case, even though I had purged everything, and did nothing related to crossdressing or dysphoria, my ex-wife couldn't deal with the issue that there was an elephant hiding in the closet.

[Majella St Gerard]

I don't even understand it.

[Beverley Sims]

There a lot of us that are in the same boat.

C'mon and welcome to our cruise ship. :-)

[Lisa-blue]

Hi all.
Thank you for your responses. I’ve been on and off Crossdressing for about 8 years. Recently I’ve spoke to my wife about just wearing lingerie under my normal clothes. The wife says she don’t like it and it’s not normal. So what to do ?

[Crissy 107]

Well first thing I would do is talk some more and just go for panties not even the pretty ones. Start slow for sure, I did and it worked.

[sometimes_miss]

Even if you can figure out why you want to crossdress, that still doesn't mean that she's going to accept it and like it. Crossdressing steps over the gender lines, and changes how your mate will see you; now, instead of a knight on a white horse, she may imagine you in a frilly dress. And that is a sexual turn off for nearly all women. Once the sexual desire is gone, so, too can the love. And once that is gone, she's going to want to replace it, and will seek out someone else instead of you. Then your marriage is done. This is, unfortunately, the path that many wind up on after coming out to our wives/SO's after the fact. FWIW, my ex admitted that had she known about my crossdressing before the marriage, she never would have married me. So it may not have mattered when your wife found out. The next step would be to find a marriage counselor who has dealt with crossdressers successfully before. Then convince your wife to go with you, even if you need to tell her that she's doing it to help you, not both of you; as she may believe that the therapist will be helping you to stop crossdressing. At least you'll get her to go, and then the therapist can take it from there, hopefully convincing her that crossdressing isn't the most awful thing in the world. Hey, it's not a perfect plan, but at least it's a way to get her to go. Maybe.

Good luck. You're going to need it. In the meantime, consider the worst possible outcomes, and plan for that. This may include: You're coming home to find the locks changed, and her having gotten a restraining order to keep you away from her and any children you have. Closing your bank accounts and emptying them, reporting your credit cards stolen, having your car repossessed, outing you to your friends, family, co-workers, if she has any photos of you dressed as a woman she could post them on the net, The potential problems are many. Be safe. Keep a little money hidden away somewhere other than your house in case of emergency. Ask around about a lawyer in your area that handles divorce cases.

Better to be prepared and not need it, than to not be prepared and wind up sleeping on a bench somewhere because every other option is gone.

[Tracii G]

You can't force her to accept it.
How would you feel if she wanted to wear nothing but guy clothes and cut her hair short.
Possibly wear a fake beard?
Think of it all thru her eyes for a change.
If she finds your crossdressing repulsive and not normal then you better get ready for a rough road.
Worst scenario would be like Sometime Miss alluded to.

[Becoming Brianna]

Sometimes Miss and Tracii have hit it right on the head. Hope for the best prepare for the worst and assess just how much of this exploration you really need. Be forewarned I am single and lost a relationship with a woman I was convinced I was going to marry because of my gender issues. The path and consequences can be rough and scary. Make sure you're prepared and ready.

[Shelly Preston]

You said your wife does not understand..

Is she willing to try and understand the need you have to crossdress.

You say she wont allow it, Has she given you a reason why there are a lot of variations in the crossdressing world.

If you find out her reasons there may be an option to arrange some free time when you can dress.

Best of luck.