Ask a GG - Three

[ReineD]

SirDonna,

In the beginning of our relationship my SO was branching out and wanted to tell people who weren’t in this community. So we decided that I could tell my best friend. It seemed to us that she was open minded. And on my own, I told my brother. Everyone else who knew was involved in the LGBTQ community.

There was no negative talk per se, no insults, no shunning. But, there was disapproval. I think this came from a simple lack of understanding - a lack of exposure to people who crossdress. Both my friend and my brother thought it was an odd thing to do, even though they didn’t put it in those terms exactly. My friend had been invited to come out to dinner with my SO and I (with SO in girl mode), but she made excuses not to go. My brother asked if I was sure I wanted to be in a relationship with a crossdresser. They both knew that I was supportive and was not about to leave my SO.

Over the years we’ve done things with my friend and my brother (although with my SO in guy mode), and they always treated my SO with respect. But, the crossdressing was never brought up. They simply were not interested in talking about it or being involved. And now it’s been so long it’s as if I had never told them.

I think that very few people who know you or your girlfriend will hurl insults to your faces. This has only happened to us once, while we were on an outing and walking on the sidewalk. A group of teenage boys drove by, clocked my SO, and said something nasty out their car window. Most people not attached to this community will keep their real opinions to themselves, if they disapprove.

[Aka_Donna]

Again, thank you. We had a interesting discussion and now it's a legacy concern but not a red flag concern presently. We'll see how it goes this month as we are trying a new compromise

[Stephanie47]

How Would You React?

There is an open thread in the general section concerning a husband having a "GG" cross dressing buddy. The husband is in a DADT marriage. The wife is not aware of this woman and that her husband goes to this woman's home for nothing more than emotional support and assistance. I realize the women on this site are more supportive of their cross dressing husband. That being said, if you were in a DADT marriage what would your response be to this relationship if it became known to you?

[char GG]

No no and no! If the husband was totally transparent and told his wife about this other woman, then maybe it would be ok, depending on a lot of things. Big maybe. Otherwise, what he is doing is sneaking around claiming it's emotional support but keeping it a secret. I would be livid. That behavior is so disrespectful.

To put the shoe on the other foot, married women don't usually go to a "guy's" house for "emotional support" without telling their SO about it. I can see big trouble out of that scenario.

[Dutchess]

I had to read the thread several times and Chars response before I could calm down to answer and I am not even married anymore lol

He even says his wife was not angry about his clothing , that they simply never spoke of it again ? Perhaps they should speak of it again together ... Yeah , Id be finding a way to non violently get back . I would cause trouble for him .As big a trouble as I could for HER so shed think twice about doing that again , with my man or anyone else's .

Then, Id take up with a hot companion of my own ... just to go to the movies and all , watch tv , go to the symphony etc etc ..... I mean if they can go on shopping dates together / walks around the neighborhood / stay in and have a good time etc ... then I can do that too. Right ????

Honestly I would be so disappointed and hurt .

[Di]

If the wife was on board with this other person and had full knowledge
But not the case it seems here.
So to me it seems like an emotional affair as the cd would anticipate alone time or communication with thefriend, think that your friend understands you better than your spouse,
Would decrease time with your spouse ,Keeping your friendship a secret, Preoccupation or daydreams about your friend and dressing
Sharing thoughts, feelings, about your dressing with your friend instead of your wife.
ADD to all of the above
From experience it can be a very intimate and takes the emotional affair to the next level.

To answer your question how would I react ?
I would find to be the Ultimate betrayal and not sure if the relationship would survive.

[Miel GG]

I think this behavior isn't mature, neither for the CD nor the GG buddy (if she is aware that the CDer is acting behind the back of her wife). Acting like this is definitely the best way to have couple issues and to deeply hurt the wife.

There are a lot of kinds of DADT. I don't know if this couple has discussed about boundaries but I can easily imagine that the wife has never thought that her husband would engage in an emotional relationship of this kind with a GG behind her back. Because the wife isn't a mind reader, the CD cannot skip a serious discussion to explain his needs to his wife (going out for instance). We all need emotional support from our friends from time to time, but in full transparency with our SO.

[confused_cathreen]

To me, this read like the CDer took it on himself to justify an emotional affair by using the DADT relationship with his wife as an excuse. DADT does not mean "you do whatever you want behind my back as long as I don't get to find about it". If the wife thought the same way, she could easily justify to herself having an affair as long as the hubby never found out. Very juvenile behaviour.

[ReineD]

This did happen early in our relationship and it almost ended it. My SO had befriended a woman he wanted to have as his own (not "our") friend. Strictly platonic from his end, but not from hers. My SO wanted to have his very own femme bonding experience with a GG, without me involved. She was willing to play along with it because she had ulterior motives. All my spidey senses told me this was a disaster in the making. I asked my SO to not see her without me but he did end up meeting her for lunch behind my back, I think several times. It almost ended our relationship. I wrote about it in here and had several pages of responses, all saying that my SO should have respected my feelings and not have gone behind my back. I showed him the thread and he finally decided to not see her alone anymore. It took awhile for me to fully trust my SO again.

Definitely not a good idea. The only successful relationships are those where there is complete and total honesty.

[River GG]

Can I just say I love these questions? Answering them might help me in my process too. here we go.

1. In your opinion, what is the reason why there seems to be much more MtF crossdressers than FtM?

So the easy answer is because women can buy and wear mens clothes of just about any type and get masculine haircuts without turning heads. They can express a masculine side without feeling taboo. Women are brought up more and more as the decades past to be strong. To answer "you're so pretty" with "and I'm smart too". To climb the corporate ladder. To crush the stereotypes of being ruled by emotion, being weak, crying all the time... As a society, all women are encouraged to be more of a man. Equally, I have tried to raise my son to be sensitive but it's so much harder. The world we live in still wants the men to be men. Hear that? the women should be tough like men and the men have to be men, and so sensitivity is out the door. For both sexes.

2. For those who go out with their SO dressed, do you go as friends (no demonstration of affection such as holding hands or kisses) or as a couple? If as friends only, is there a reason, such as fearing being identified as a lesbian couple?

I have no answer for this but thank you for asking so I can read others answers. I'm not sure what the difference would be if he were dressed male vs female because it's not as if we're hanging all over each other when we're out on date night anyway. So I wonder, how *would* it be different? I'm not sure it would. We don't have any control over what other people perceive, right?

3. For GGs who dislike CDers dressing in a stereotypical way (e.g. tight clothing, short skirts, nylons, high heels, long hair, etc.), what are the reasons? Would the reasons be different for private CDing (dressing at home, not posting pictures), and for CDing with real world exposure (going out or posting pictures)?

Same answer as I read before - whatever someone is wearing should be appropriate for the situation. If my daughter wore fishnet stockings, a mini skirt, and heels to the movies, I would worry about her being objectified, picked up by some creep, and mistreated because her dressing says "objectify me." In private would be acceptable because it's akin to playing dress-up.

4. What is your definition of femininity? (feel free to answer about masculinity as well!)

Another excellent question and I've been soul searching myself on this one. What IS *MY* definition of femininity? As GGs, FAB, with CD partners, this has to be answered because I think it helps get at the root of our experience. For me, then, I think it mostly comes down to sensitivity. And now that I think about it, I was drawn to my DH because of his sensitivity long before I learned about the CDing. Femininity has soft edges, be it in personality, or in clothing. I think that's it for me.

5. About anticipating GG's boundaries, many CDers have answered that they couldn't read minds and boundaries should be spelled out (in other words if something has not been explicitly forbidden then it must fly). What is your opinion on this?

It's unfair for a newly involved SO to be expected to set boundaries that don't move. Period. We're learning too. We don't know what we can handle until we, sadly, realize we can't handle something. How about assume the opposite? If a boundary has not been set, or an area has not been discussed, safer to assume it WON'T fly. People continue to evolve so while some really broad boundaries might stick for long periods, there will continue to be grey areas and we should both have the freedom to grow.

[DianeT]

Thanks for your answers River!

[Crissy 107]

What is your acceptance level of your husband or SO, 10 being very accepting and encouraging down to a 1 which is of course is close to none.
Also has it always been the same?

[Dutchess]

Ill go first this time .
Well it depends actually .
My ex husband had a VAST secret life under his cding and tried very hard to keep it from me . He did not tell me but instead I found out the hard way catching him in action . This was three years into the marriage . He got very angry with me that he had been exposed and became very aggressive about it so it was just weird and no I did not like it at all . He was not the person he wanted me to think he was . He got real pink foggy and it just got worse and worse . 1


Kat was TG and I knew from the beginning , s/he was already all the way out . I met him as a friend through a friend here - friends only first for an entire year. s/he was completely up front , no secrets and it was 100% ok . S/he was WAY more concerned about us and our life as a couple than any clothing or lifestyle . That helped . 10

I'm not sure how I feel about it today . Some of the things I read here are off the hook .

[char GG]

Mine is now a 10 but it started out as a 1. My SO didn't start CDing until he was in his 60's. I was one of those who didn't know CDing was a "thing" in the real world. It took a lot of time and discussion along with trust to get to a 10.

[Di]

Mine was at a 10 but I knew from the beginning and no secrets. It was who Sherlyn was none of this hobby / kink thing it was real life .
I am Kinda on the same wave link as Dutchess some of the things I read here from some are off the hook / example pretending it is only panties and gradually adding as to not upset with the truth ( the baby step method)or the constant lies and hiding. It would be zero.

[confused_cathreen]

Even though it no longer applies to me, I will reply as I am one of those who had it thrust into the relationship after a lot of years. I could never forgive the lie and the hiding so started at 1, finished at 0. Would I have gotten to at least a 4? I will never know, the lack of communication on the subject didn't allow any positive move. But the positive is that I learned it's not for me. So not all bad!

[ReineD]

Very early in our relationship my SO told me that he didn’t want me to encourage him to dress. He wanted it to be his decision and looking back, I think he was striving for internal balance. He knew that I didn’t mind the crossdressing, and so he felt free to dress whenever he wanted to. I always go along cheerfully when my SO wants to go out dressed. I suppose I’m a 10, even though I don’t encourage. After all, the desire resides in his internal landscape, not mine. Also, the bulk of clothing storage space in this house is allocated to my SO. I don’t mind that either. I get that CDs really, really like clothes.

[Sarah21]

When do women know that it goes deeper than crossdressing for their partner? I was honest with my ex but as soon as I said it, she said that answerered a lot of questions she had. She didn't care about about the clothes, she just didn't feel comfortable being with another woman which I understand.

She was the one that encouraged me to find out who I am even though I know she was deeply hurt in the process. She is still an amazing friend.

[char GG]

Hi Sarah,

For my SO, it is all about the clothes so I am not really able to answer your question. Most wives aren't attracted to other women the same way they are attracted to men. I'm glad you and your ex are still friends.

[Crissy 107]

Thank You to all the GG’s who took the time to post to my question. I appreciate it. Crissy

[Di]

Sarah21,
In our case although Sher had done this since very young, She like many hid it and it was rarely visited but it was always on her mind.
Fast forward , divorced, we met, was just newly free to be, we explored it together, I just felt years in by words and actions this was her true self. I just let her find her way and it did not matter as he, she was the one I loved. But we started out that way and I knew the girl side from the beginning.
So my answer will probably be different than most wives.But I suspected it was more but was along side while she was figuring it out.
I am glad you and your ex are great friends.

[Dutchess]

Trying to figure out how to verbalize this ..

Its more of what Kat did not do that told me ...
S/he just got on with everyday living . Even though she presented female everyday and was totally out it was not a constant topic of conversation . She was always trying to get me to hear a song , see a video or movie . We had art projects we worked on together , theater we went too , s/he free climbed and skied and loved to watch me compete on the horses running around the arena with the camera .

We had a full life that just did not revolve around dressing or feminizing , hoping wishing , hiding , no living in fantasy land/ crazy stories . Her clothes were just what she wore . Not the focal point . She made me the focal point

Yes if we saw something nice we talked about it because she did couture sewing and we loved British and French designers - but it was treated as another art form we loved .
I would forget she even presented female alot of the time .

[Sarah21]

Thank You ladies for your replies. I dunno, life is so strange, losing someone I love because of something I have no choice about was just so awful for both of us. But we are still in each others lives, but in a different way and hopefully we will both end up happier for it.

[ReineD]

Very early in our relationship my SO told me he didn't want to transition, meaning no hormones or modification of his body in any way (other than surface modifications such as the removal of body hair, growing nails, piercing ears, using breast forms when dressing, etc). This told me that he wasn't going to go "deeper".

In terms of self-identification, it doesn't really matter what word is used, since everyone has their own word to define who they are, be it TG, CD, dual-gender, bi-gender, trans, etc. What matters is what they actually do - modify their body, or not. If someone makes the decision to not modify their body, (they want to continue functioning as a male sexually - and by this I strictly mean getting pleasure from using male body parts), then the "depth" to which someone goes is really just a a matter of style preference; how much they engage in what I consider are stereotypical vs non-stereotypical facets of femininity. By stereotype I mean that most GGs do not engage in the degree of primping, passion for clothes, obsession for girly things like many members here so again, it's just a matter of where in life someone chooses to place their focus. As to the frequency of dressing, I suppose this depends on a person's circumstances. Some people can dress more or less frequently than others depending on their jobs and who they want to continue hanging out with, so this in my view isn't really a matter of identity. It's a matter of practicality.

As to the rest of a "feminine" ID, in my view a person's character, emotional landscape, intellect, activity preference, career choice, ability to nurture or be aggressive, etc, is not gendered at all. Both men and women have the ability to span the full spectrum in all of these things, so there is no "going deeper" there. If someone likes to sew clothing or cook, this is no longer viewed as being a feminine thing to do. There are male tailors and cooks and they are not seen as girly.

So no, I never got to the point of knowing that it was "deeper" for my SO, because he told me at the onset what his limits were. Now I have to say that it took awhile for me to believe him in the early years when my SO was ramping up his presentation, buying more and more clothes, going out more and more. I didn't know if his limits would change from what he had told me. But things have settled down considerably in recent years and it turns out that what my SO told me in the beginning was accurate.

[Kelli_cd]

As I put on my matching bra and panties this morning (Soma Memorable Full Coverage with Lace Trim and Soma Vanishing Edge Microfiber with Lace Hipster, both in Rouge), I wondered why is it that so many women only wear white, beige or black undergarments?
Matching sets make me feel especially pretty. I want to believe GG's would feel pretty in this, too.

P.S. Underdressing is all I get to enjoy.