Do we really want to be seen ?

[Sandi Beech]

I was thinking about how many of our members are for the most part closet dressers, and an activity often discussed is doing things en femme such as:

Going for a drive at night

Going for a walk in a remote location or parking lot

Etc. - fill in the blank

The fact is that you may be able to dress safely in the privacy of your own home, yet many are driven to go out at some level.

Is there an underlying desire to be seen by others even though it is thought that the risk is low in these activities. Do you have a thrill from the possibility of getting caught.

I used to think in that way myself, but I eventually got tired of having to dress up and no one ever sees me.

Back in 2017, I recall being at a hotel and had black pantyhose under my pants but no socks, and I was tormenting myself as to whether it would be ok to go to the hotel bar. What if someone saw my feet. What would they think. Sigh. Such torment.

I am so glad that one day, it all came to a head, and I decided to take the plunge to go out fully dressed to a bar. It turns out, not only was I accepted, I made about 10 new friends as I frequented the place as often as I could. Sadly, the place closed permanently likely due to lack of business during the Covid crisis.

I have made the jump to being comfortable in going out crossdressed, and I am thinking that others are now in the same place I was back then - tormented about wanting to go out and be seen, yet not ready to make the leap just yet. Many of us who go out regularly totally understand where some of you are at. That is one reason we share our experiences. It is not to brag, but to convey to those who have not experienced a great outing, to know how good it can be through us.

Thoughts?

Sandi

[ShawnaL]

I agree with you, Sandi! Sometimes when I look back at posts I've written, I can see where some may think it's bragging - but as you said - it's NOT bragging, but rather trying to share the excitement and exhilaration of being who we are. Thank you for pointing this out!
Hugs,
Shawna

[DianeT]

We're social animals so it makes sense to want to interact, dressed or not. If dressed, there may be many reasons. Speaking of purely crossdressers, there is social interaction, sharing the experience, being acknowledged, validated, sometimes even a bit of exhibitionism with medical personnel who apparently didn't read the fine print enough in their job description.
You may want to go out for these reasons, or maybe there is a driver to go out and then these opportunities kick in, I can't say. From the posts I read, CDers seem to be expressing a part of themselves by going out and interacting with other people while dressed, it seems a natural human need to exist before others and not just a mirror. As for myself, my dressing isn't social, it's a personal experience that I don't intend to share and about which I want to remain my sole judge and adviser. I admire the courage of those who take the plunge, however, I don't envy them.
I don't think you are bragging when you tell the stories of your outings. Like you said, you are sharing the experience and trying to motivate others to leave their egg shell. There is nothing wrong in that indeed (leaving out the flirting experiences, which are another discussion).

[kimdl93]

Absolutely we want to be seen, to experience and feel like we are a part of the world. I think its the natural culmination of dressing regularly. In my own case, going out in the back yard was just something to do and, perhaps the risk of being seen provided a little excitement. Eventually, I suppose just got bored hanging out in the backyard. At the same time I craved that part of human experience that only can be realized through interaction with other people.

[Bianca Fay]

This is a very timely post because I've actually been fighting the urge to dress up and get out of the house. Many members here have often solicited advice on getting the courage to go out en femme... I'm actually trying to find the fortitude to stay in the closet!

Being outed would be devastating in my current situation; however, my desire to go out and interact with the world has become almost obsessive. Do I want to be seen? Apparently.

I've only succumbed twice. Once at a costume party dressed up as a flight attendant, the second time I walked into a 7-11 wearing tan pantyhose under my shorts.

I'm terrified of letting the world in on my secret but it seems that it's getting harder and harder to fight the urge.

[alwayshave]

Sandi, I love going out and meeting other ladies like ourselves. The first time going out is nerve racking. However, once done, it just becomes easier.

[TheHiddenMe]

All I know is for the longest time I wanted to go out in public dressed. I wanted to try on clothes and see how I looked in them. How it would be fun to attend a concert, or a baseball game, or even fly pretty.

And I was afraid of the consequences if something negative happened.

Then I read posts on this board and on blogs about people going out and doing things in public and asked myself "Why not me?"

I had a few sporatic times out, the world didn't end, and then I planned my first extended days out, in October 2016. I went out four days in a row, interacted with people who thought what I was doing was cool, and it's been all uphill since then. Been to concerts, a ballgame, musicals, flown, made friends, bought a boatload of clothes.

To me, it's NOT about been seen. It's NOT caring if you ARE seen.

Saturday night I took the train from my Aussie suburb to the main downtown station. I walked around downtown, went into a store, tried on clothes, walked around downtown, and went to a crowded foot court and casino. I was wearing a strappy summer dress with bare shoulders and a bare back. The dress was sold in a store for GGs one-third my age, but I love it and I love how I look in it. I was seen by literally thousands of people, or should I say I was in places where I could have been seen by thousands.

If I was worried about what they thought, I would have never stepped out of the door. But I don't worry.

It's not because I think I "pass". I don't think I do. BUT I DON'T CARE IF I "PASS" OR NOT. I only care that I look decent and I'm wearing something pretty, something I bought because I wanted to wear it somewhere. I got out, had fun, enjoyed people watching wearing a cute dress, and had a fun night, and have something to write about for a Sun-Dee blog.

Is it nice to be noticed? Yes, if you get a compliment. If not, no biggie. YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT OTHERS ARE THINKING UNLESS THEY WALK UP AND TELL YOU. And most people simply don't notice.

If you worry about being seen and what the reaction will be, you are letting other unknown people control YOUR life. Why let them?

Do what YOU want to do and quit worrying about what others in the faceless mob might think. Be seen, be unseen, but live YOUR life. You only get one. And by FAR my biggest regret is I didn't start sooner.

[Emily in the south]

What Jamie said.. In my six months of being out and about, roughly two to eight times a month, I have had nothing but good experiences, and now have some wonderful friends. I have met gg, cd, & trans girls, all of which have been nothing but nice to share social time with.
I look very much forward to going out each month, and wish I could find a group of ladies closer to me, but I am willing to make the effort to meet up. This month will be no exception.

Emily

[Geena75]

I went at this from a different slant. I have gone out any number of times, with a varying degree of being seen. Eventually, I did reach the point where I don't worry about being seen or even being made. My concern is about being CAUGHT, being seen and recognized by someone I know in my drab life. If I dress at home, there is always that chance of someone I know stopping by unexpectedly and I get caught. Obviously, I would be recognized since I am at my home, where I am expected to be seen. If I go out dressed, it is to someplace where I am not expected to be, not to mention where people who know drab me aren't likely to be. I am barely recognizable when I'm all made up and dressed, so even if I would see someone I know, they wouldn't know it was me. For me, going out lets me relax and enjoy being Geena for longer.

[April Rose]

Sandi, It ain't braggin' if you can do it.

[DanielleDubois]

I take my crossdressing very seriously and I am an all or nothing girl who has to do all the details like long nails and painted toenails or the transformation doesn't seem complete. Yet I have no interest in underdressing and have no desire whatsoever to be ought in public as Danielle interacting with other people. There is simply no appeal in it for me and I am very content confining my crossdressing to home and sharing photos with friends. The exception would be to attend a crossdressing event but that would be more to meet and talk to other crossdressers in person rather than the aspect of being in public. Even then being in public would consist of staying within the confines of the hotel the event was being held at. I don't know if this puts me in a very small minority of crossdressers or not?

Having said all that there is the saying " Never Say Never" so who really knows if Danielle ventured out one day that she wouldn't get hooked on the experience.

[docrobbysherry]

Maybe it has to do with whether or not we r proud of our looks, Sandi?

I dressed for 10 years at home before I came out online here at CD.com. I wore a mask every single time I dressed.
When I went out to my 1st T event, I knew better than to show up masked. I DESPISED how I looked without one, but forced myself to go out and meet the other "girls"!

Finally, at about my 5th T event in Vegas, I hated how I looked so bad I threw on a mask and went down to the casino for the 1st time ever. I walked around just waiting for someone to say something because I thot I looked fabulous!
I think I had such an attitude people moved out of my way without a word. There was a new car on the hotel floor and when I decided to get photos with it, I grabbed the 1st guy that came by and handed him my camera to take some pix of me!

That nite was an epiphany for me! I'll never be happy with the way I look in make up, but I'm used to going out like that. However, when it's time for photos? Sherry comes out of my bag whether anyone around likes it or not!

If u r ashamed of how u look? Why wouldn't u want to hide when going out?

[CharlotteCD]

For me, and I am sure many others, it is NOT exhibitionism. It's not wanting to be caught. It's not wanting to be seen. It's not showing off.

It is simply validation that the woman you present as exists.

Charlotte exists in my own home and nowhere else - that's no more than existing within your own imagination. If she goes outside, she exists, and she is real. That's a really powerful validation.

When I went on webcam with a colleague dressed as Charlotte, and she called me Charlotte, I just started crying. The person I had been inside since I was 4 had been recognised.

Going out is no different.

[AmyJordan]

You know my situation despite my wife slowly dragging me to be more open and you lovely girls giving me confidence I'm scared STIFF! of being in public I can only give massive respect to those that do.

[Debs]

I have offered to meet up and chaperone any of you girls who are a bit nervous about going out in public, and myself and Helen Highwater have tried to encouraged meetings in November 2 years on the run now, but only had one that actually did come out with us, I am prepared to travel and meet for coffee or a night out, I did used to put it in Places to go, places to meet, but never got any replies, so my conclusion is that yes most of crossdressers are comfortable dressing and staying at home, but theres a big lovely world out there which I do explore dressed.

[Debbie Denier]

I agree with Geena . The problem is being recognised by someone from drab life. Also some of the non accepting low lifes we sometimes encounter.It can also be a logistical nightmare leaving the house. Changing in a car, hotel or rest room.

[Genifer Teal]

What does it say that I've never really dressed at home? If i'm. Not Going out there is no point to bother getting dressed. Maybe I've tested a few outfits or tried something on once occasionally to be ready to go out. I also practiced walking in heels back in the beginning. besides any of that if I'm not going out somewhere i just dress however. Now that I think back. It has kind of morphed into this is just how I dress.dressed to me means dressing For an occasion.being casually dressed around the house is whatever.

[Ursula Harrison]

I agree with Jamie and Diane.

There are exhibitionists who get a kick from shocking others. But they're to be found doing all sorts of things apart from crossdressing and I don't think they are in any way typical of our community.

I understand why people are driven to go out alone to secluded places. It's a huge step - metaphorically if not physically - just to go from inside to outside dressed. Even if you meet or see nobody you're making progress. But it's a risk and will attract more attention if you are seen compared to vanishing into a crowd.

I do want to get out and about among like minded people in venues where I'm accepted. I hate loud music and am a useless dancer but I love to go out clubbing for the chance to dress to the nines and flaunt it.

[Karmen]

Yes, we want to be seen, but still hidden from people we know. Going out like that is also some kind of public test that we can walk around dressed in women's clothes, present outself as women and be part of "normal" sociity.
And there is also a thrill of possibility to get caught. Maybe in our subconscious we also want to get caught. That way we would be out of the closet, if we wanted or not. It just happened. If it will be a bad experience, we can blame the destiny, not our conscious decision that put our life upside down.

[Lorna]

There's another way to look at this. There might have been a time when I was young - teenage years perhaps - where I tried to imagine being able to dress as a female and go out and about, but pragmatism (the near-impossibility of making myself into a convincing female) stopped me from even trying. I realised, instead, that my pleasure came from wearing the clothes and certainly not from being seen by others. Yes, I would have liked to have been able properly to experience what it's like to do all the normal every-day things while wearing full female dress: doing the shoppping, catching the bus, walking in the park, running to get out of the rain, sitting in a restaurant....all those experiences which would, I'm sure, feel so different in women's clothing. But, no, in practical terms that wasn't going to happen and instead I could experiment as much as I liked, dressing in private, and enjoy a partial experience of being "out and about" by careful under-dressing. I admire and understand the sentiments of those who manage, to whatever degree, to go out and be seen but I have long accepted that this isn't for me.

[Cheryl T]

Of course we want to be seen.
Who would go through all the things we do to make ourselves so pretty and not want someone to see us and admire what we have done.

[Aunt Kelly]

It's not secret that for a lot of CD's, the juice is in the risk of being "caught". As a life-long adrenaline junkie, I can understand this, sort of. I'd guess that it's not exactly the same rush as, say... riding a motorcycle down a dark gravel road, at over 100 mph, through a stand of trees where the deer are plentiful, but then not everyone takes their adrenaline in such extreme doses.

Sandi's right. The reality is quite apart from the imagined consequences, so if that fear is your cup of tea, don't ruin it for yourself.

[NancyJ]

Apparently most want to be seen by others. Not me. A couple reasons: Most importantly, it is my wife beyond anyone else who I want to accept my femininity. She has done so to a point, and that point stops short of my full presentation as a woman. Second, I am over six feet tall, wear a size 14 in Women’s shoes, and I have broad shoulders. I can make my face look pretty (with the right help), and I love wearing forms, but I know I will always be spotted as a t-girl, and I do not want that sort of attention.

Perhaps if I was single I would go to trans gatherings, but I am more than okay with the life my wife and I have settled on. Nancy

[Sandi Beech]

Thanks for all the lengthy and interesting thoughts on the topic. I like how these topics trigger a lot of self reflection.

To be clear, I am in no way being critical of those who wish to keep this habit indoors and away from others. But I do believe this. For many of us, crossdressing is not static. It comes and goes and changes over time.

Never say never. You might just change your mind about going out and being seen. That is what happened to me and there is no turning back.

Sandi

[Jane G]

I am completely with Nancy J on this. My wife does not wish me to share my female side with any one else. I love and respect her views on the matter. I'm also 6ft 4" massive hands and feet. I could have the face of an angel (I don't) and still be read from 400 hundred yards away. Having no desire to be the centre of attention, in any aspect of my life, I shall likely always remain content with my lot and firmly in the closet.

I spend a lot of time dressed at home simply because it feels natural after so many years. Out and about I have a very active, sport oriented, life. The two simply don't mix, for me.