It's been a while since I've posted here, and needless to say, my life is utterly and completely different than the last time I was here. Not wanting to bore everyone with some long story, here are the Cliff Notes:
> back in 2006-2011, was young and living out in DC/NOVA area, able to go out dressed whenever, though it wasn't something I did a ton of because gf at the time was accepting, but understandably not thrilled with it. We broke up eventually, I dated around, and was with someone that at first was accepting and actively participated with me, but as we got more serious, turned out she actually didn't like it at all. I left her because of it. Now I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted, explore as much as I desired.
> 2012-2015: met new girl who was fantastic: I told her relatively early on (within the first few months), and she actively encouraged me to come out, don't hide it, hang your women's clothing right next to your men's, went shopping together, did nails and makeup together, etc. I was head over heels, and eventually we got married. How could I not?
> 2015 and onward: we lived together, eventually had kids. The dressing? Complete taboo now. She never wanted to be part of it, doesn't want to see it, disgusts her, and I'm now way back in the closet. We moved back to my home state in the Midwest (Madison, WI), and I no longer have access to the wonderful community I did back out east.
Present day: I work from home and can dress a couple of hours each week, but cabin fever/Groundhog's Day doesn't begin to describe the feeling. I have no friends, nowhere to go. She knows I dress, and will make back-handed comments from time to time ("eww", "you still do that?"), and any attempt at conversation about it ends in an argument no matter how I bring it up (calmly, aloofly, involving, non-standoffish, etc).
The absolute worst part about this all... is that at one point she told me that she only pretended to accept it so that she could "land me". "If you'd have told me sooner, I would have left, but I was already in love". Fair enough, I get it, I really do, and after my previous relationships I thought I'd handled things by the book (be open about it, tell her early, don't let it take over, be understanding, etc). But now I'm locked in forever with someone who resents a big part of me, who will never accept it and never again participate. Like my previous relationship, had I known this would have been the outcome, I would have left a long damn time ago. I'm angry, hurt, resentful, but I also love my family and would never do anything to inflict harm or pain on anyone.
On the day-to-day, there's no outward sign of Marissa, I keep it locked up and hidden, not wanting to rock the apple cart. Yet, there'll be times that she'll tell me about new clothes or shoes she bought, or what dress should she wear, "I love my new nail color", she wears an absolute amazing/sexy outfit on a date. I do support her and give her honest feedback, but underneath it drives me absolutely insane and dejected because I have to fake it and can only give her my opinion as a guy. At one point I told her how I felt about it, that when she talks about fashion/girly stuff I want to do it too! That I give advice from my feminine side (as if I would wear it), and nope.... "I have girlfriends for that, I don't need your input like that"... just.. hurts, and now I respond by kindly telling her to just ask her friends. It's the one thing we could connect on, the one lifeline, and it's verboten. Sometimes I think she does it on purpose, telling me all this stuff to see how I react, like she knows it burns me and I can't do anything about it. And it's not all about me: I realize she wants to look good, she deserves to be complimented and made to feel appreciated as the woman, and I DO! I learned long ago how to be the man when I need to be, for her sake. It's just that... there's my other side that also has a voice, and it's being repressed.
Just having someone that I can talk to about it without being rejected would go so damn far in making me feel... good/calm/normal/accepted/loved, even. I'm just exhausted by it all, like holding a beachball under water. I do my best to be a great husband and father everyday, but there's a small, constant burning flame of resentment simmering just beneath the surface. For my sanity, I try to compartmentalize it and enjoy the small time I do have to do it, but I'm alone on an island. I was talking to a therapist earlier this year, and maybe I should keep on, but first I wanted to try sharing here with more like-minded folk and community, in the hope I can at least have someone to share with.
So, if you're still reading after my wall of text: thank you. Everyone has a story, but I just don't have anyone to talk to, and stuff gets bottled up.