When Your SO Doesn't Know

[gia GG]

I hope I don't offend anyone by asking this but it is such a nagging question in my mind.

I am a GG and my SO is a CD. I was friends with my SO before we started dating and I really had no idea that he was CDing. Once things started moving from friendship into dating, he opened up to me. Yes it was in small doses and he let me take the lead with when and what I wanted to know.

I am so greatful that he trusted me enough to tell me and it has only brought us closer. My question is, how could ANYONE hide a big part of their lives from someone and expect to have a healthly relationship with their SO?

I asked my SO and the response I got was that a lot of people think by being with a woman and keeping it from them would somehow make it stop. I guess that could be an explanation but I can't believe it is the only one.

Personally, it wouldn't matter if it was something I was hiding or that my partner was hiding, I just don't see how you could ever truely share your life with someone when a big part is missing.

Again, I'm sure there is a good explanation and I'd love to hear your thoughts.

[Trisha]

i told a few girl freinds about my cding when we first got together and thay ran as fast as thay can that could be why but you get used to life alone i did keep it from my wife for five years and did not cd but its hard was on my own till i was 34 life has passed me by some what with a wife i can have kids with so i guess that is why we keep it to our selfs or just dont date

[older not wiser]

I can only speak for myself but the OVERWHELMING fear of rejection is ever present when a SO is told, even in small doses. I tried telling my wife a few times and was plainly told that she did not want me cd'ing, period. I have kept my cd'ing very low key and I'm sure she knows. For now this is how it is going to work for me.

Love; BonnieAnne :GE:

[Kimberley]

Welcome Gia,
This is an excellent question so let me try to put a simple answer to what is actually a very complex one.

As TG's in any form whether TV, CD, TG or TS grow up living in an environment of fear; Fear of discovery. This originates with an intial discovery somewhere that usually lends itself to shame and an associated guilt. That is the short answer.

The longer one goes into sociology but again, the short answer. Most people equate gender with sex, or sexual orientation. They simply are not the same things. For this reason to most people, if you dont fit the stereotypical vision of a specific sexual gender then there is something wrong with you. This is complete hogwash and complete ignorance based in prejudice and an inability to even try to understand.
For decades, the DSM (Psychiatry's Bible) classified any TG behaviour as abnormal (translation: deviant) We HAD to be cured. Again this is impossible.

So with this sort of attitude prevailing in society, we learned to hide, lie and cheat just to survive. Believe me, we are experts at it.

Most genetic girls cant understand us and are repulsed by the thoughts of transwhateverism. Here again, there are multiple reasons for this, ranging from prejudice, religious intolerance to self esteem issues etc. I wouldnt even want to try to analyze this one. So as a result we hide.

We are convinced that no one will accept us for who we are. We go underground. We separate our feminine self from our male self. This causes huge turmoil and often manifests itself as depression later on. So we stay hidden in the mistaken belief we can keep this separation, we can have a normal relationship including marriage and some of us even talk ourselves into the idea that having a normal relationship will cure us. Of course this cant happen.

This is the short answer. If you want more you can freely PM me and I will answer your questions as best I can. I do hope this is of some help to you.

Kimberley.

[lostmyhubby GG]

Well i will probably get crucified from someone for this post...but I feel that you cant really have a open and honest relationship with someone by keeping such a big part of their life secret, not only that but it to me is deceitful. And always leaves room for keeping other secrets that wont be found out. i guess thats where the saying comes from ....what you dont know wont hurt. But i still feel its wrong.
I do understand why most dont come out after having been married awhile and they know their wives well enough not to come out as it would cause total disaray....but i feel anyone entereing a relationship should come clean in the very begining.....if they run...they werent worth the time to share that part of their life with anyway.....and if they dont run....it gives you more time to sort things out, feelings, etc...feel it out before a serious relationship occurs and someone gets hurt.

[Kimberley]

Well i will probably get crucified from someone for this post...but I feel that you cant really have a open and honest relationship with someone by keeping such a big part of their life secret, not only that but it to me is deceitful. And always leaves room for keeping other secrets that wont be found out. i guess thats where the saying comes from ....what you dont know wont hurt. But i still feel its wrong.
I do understand why most dont come out after having been married awhile and they know their wives well enough not to come out as it would cause total disaray....but i feel anyone entereing a relationship should come clean in the very begining.....if they run...they werent worth the time to share that part of their life with anyway.....and if they dont run....it gives you more time to sort things out, feelings, etc...feel it out before a serious relationship occurs and someone gets hurt.

**************
I agree with you totally and if the clock could be turned back and if the more tolerant attitudes of today existed 30+ years ago it might have been different for many of us. That however is not the case. I doubt there is one person on this forum or any other who would disagree with you but the reality is.....

Having an honest relationship. Okay I will buy into that as long as everyone is open about EVERY facet of their life. It isnt going to happen. We all have secrets of some sort whether large or small, they are still secrets. They can be events or desires. They are still secrets. Is this a greater or lesser sin to the relationship?

It is important to have a solid loving relationship first. It is built on trust; trust that your love is for your partner and your family above all else. This is what counts. If we fixate on the secrets of our partner then we are violating the trust of the relationship; we are allowing that to take precedence over the love are we not? Is that not a recipe for failure?

I think my main point here has to be; What is more important, the love and trust of the relationship or the secrets of the partner? We as CD's want to trust, trust that our secrets will be safeguarded and the love we have for our partner is mutually unconditional. There is the key, unconditional love.

Me? I'll take the love above all else.

Just my opinion.

Kimberley.

[Caitlintgsd]

I think that early in a relationship, some people may not share about dressing due to a fear of rejection or embarrassment.

[danielle_from_cal]

My reason is simple. I don't want to upset my wife. I am sure that she would think that I am gay and that I dress up to attract men. Plus, years ago, I did have a relationship with a man. It was wrong for me but I thought that since I like to dress up like a woman I must be gay. How can I tell her that I am not gay when I have been with a man (for about two years!). I really want to avoid the whole thing.

So that's it for me: Fear!!!

[Veronica E. Scott]

Hello Gia

I can only speak for my self I waited almost 40 years to finally tell my wife about me I have carried this secret with me for about 53 years,I am 61 now
As a small boy I was told to keep your mouth shut and don't air your dirty laundry in public. If you didn't want the world to know what you were up to don't tell any one so as the years went by you got in the habbit of telling people only part of the story never revealing the whole truth always protecting your self but every now and then you would tell someone something in the strictest of confidence and make them swear not to tell anyone what you told them but as time went by you found out what your parents said was true because you found out that the person you told the story to couldn't keep there mouth shut and your secret was out for the world to know. So as a small boy playing with girls and there clothing and playing house and dressup you learned that this was not normal and you were told that men didn't do that sort of thing .jump ahead some years later and you find yourself with a wife and 3 small kids and you have been dressing on and off through the years and one day you and your wife start playing games and you try on one of her night gowns and all the old feelings come rushing back and you don't want to stop because it feels so normal and good and soon your wife is doing your hair and makeup she dosen't like doing it and thinks you are some kind of fruit cake because you want to do this thing what ever it is called back then there wasn't the internet or anything to let you know that there were alot of others out there that were doing the same things.Finally one day my wife said that she didn't want the girls to see there farther looking like there mother and wanted me to stop I did for a while but the feelings wouldnt go away and I new that if my wife found out what I was up to she would leave and take the kids with her so again I kept my mouth shut and told her what she wanted to hear,protecting myself again. Move ahead to present time, last year I finally told my wife of almost 40 years all about me and my dressing I have never told to this day any living soul about my crossdressing but my wife told her doctor in order to find a shrink so she told the shrink the next person to know was my oldest daughter,then my youngest daughter was told because my wife couldn't keep my secret she said it was to heavy a burden to carry so my oldest daughter told the middle daughter because she thought she had a right to know about her farther and why there was trouble between her parents,so now the whole world knows that mr.so in so likes to dress in womens clothing and most people think because you do that sort of thing you have to be sick,crazy, demented, gay a freak of nature and what ever else they choose to call you if you dont believe me just ask my wife,she thinks because I do this and that it dosn't bother me that I must be sick,I have tried to explain how I feel when I dress and she dosn't understand how a normal male could do this.So now the whole world does know my secret because I just told you all, the only safe thing is that you don't know my real name!!! or do you???

[JoannaDees]

Wow! I think I learned something. I'm divorced twice, been there done that. Nothing at all to do with CDing, I never did it until recently. But the angst of some of these posts. My empathic nature is on overdrive. Well, that last run-on post was a bit much, but speed reading it gave me the sense of 40 years of hiding. Damn, relationships. HIDE NOTHING!

[Annesah]

GIA; Thank you for your post. I've been told numerous times that it's easier said than done but you have just confirmed my feeling that to come out, come clean, upfront and honest, as difficult as it may be, is still the best policy we can implement. In a "serious" relationship there's no room for hiding or deceit. Next to a lie wearing a skirt is completely benign. Best wishes gia! Annesah

[~Dee~]

i was one of those that kept it hidden because i honestly believed that when i met my wife, that part of me would just go away.
i figured that my wife would 'cure' me and that shameful part of my existance would just fade away into memory.
i did think it was shameful and i carried a lot of pain over it, i personally thought it was really bad and therefore didnt want to tell Kitty for fear of being judged i guess.

i do agree that its something that can end up ruining a marriage, even if the wife doesnt know.
for the longest time Kitty and me were having problems and there always seemed to be something between us. she would ask and i honestly didnt think that it was this that was hurting us.
but when i came out to Kitty, thats when i found out that it was what was killing us from the inside. i did lie to Kitty to protect this shameful part of myself and i hate myself now for ever having done that..
but since Kitty and I managed to get past the CD/TS thing, its made us a lot more closer and i cant believe how much more i love my wife now... just having released this one block.
there is no way that i could lie to Kitty for anything anymore, we dont fight and the closeness that we have it just remarkable.

[Joy Carter]

It's all been said here but then again it's a two way street isn't it ?

[Bev06 GG]

It's all been said here but then again it's a two way street isn't it ?

How do you mean Joy? Sorry for being thick but I dont get what your saying. Dee thats a lovely post and very enlightening.
BEV

[Melora]

I think that early in a relationship, some people may not share about dressing due to a fear of rejection or embarrassment.

This is how I felt in our early years, and I never did anything about it. I am at this part of my life where I really do want to tell her. YES I should have told her this from the begining, BUT I didnt. Yes I am hiding something from her and sometimes I feel TERRIBLE! This happened because I was quite young = 23 when I got married and did not have much experience with relationships = just a few CLOSE ones. ALSO Though I hide this from her, I STILL LOVE her VERY MUCH! Sometimes I feel that I hide this from her to protect her as well, because to tell her might cause her & Family alot of harm, I think, but that may change very soon.--On a brighter side = LOL! I think that she already knows anyway. I am quite sure that she has caught me or some hints of my little hobbie.

[Sandra]

Well i will probably get crucified from someone for this post...but I feel that you cant really have a open and honest relationship with someone by keeping such a big part of their life secret, not only that but it to me is deceitful. And always leaves room for keeping other secrets that wont be found out. i guess thats where the saying comes from ....what you dont know wont hurt. But i still feel its wrong.
I do understand why most dont come out after having been married awhile and they know their wives well enough not to come out as it would cause total disaray....but i feel anyone entereing a relationship should come clean in the very begining.....if they run...they werent worth the time to share that part of their life with anyway.....and if they dont run....it gives you more time to sort things out, feelings, etc...feel it out before a serious relationship occurs and someone gets hurt.

Well I aint gonna crucifie you, I totally agree with you, it's nasty and very deceitful and what else are they hiding.

[RikkiOfLA]

i was one of those that kept it hidden because i honestly believed that when i met my wife, that part of me would just go away.
i figured that my wife would 'cure' me and that shameful part of my existance would just fade away into memory.

That's what I expected too. And it worked! Well, ok, it only worked till we had been married about a year. Then I had a bout of impotence, and with it, the urge to dress came back. What should I do?

Let me back up to my senior year of high school, when I had my first serious relationship. When I started going out with Melinda, the urge to dress disappeared. I thought that finding a real relationship had cured my crossdressing. (What I actually started doing was projecting my CDing onto her--making suggestions what she should wear. After a while, she didn't like my suggestions one bit, and that's why we broke up. But I didn't understand it at the time--I only thought that I was cured.

Back to my wife. When the desire to dress came back, it scared me to think that my desires weren't cured, after all. Did it mean that I didn't really love her after all? I knew that if I told her, I might lose her. That was a very big risk. It still is today, for a lot of people, but just try to imagine society 30 years ago! Still I knew that if she really loved me, she would understand that telling her was a courageous and loving thing too, and we would somehow accept this together. And, I'm happy to say, that's exactly what happened. The first person who ever saw me crossdressed, even partially (that I know of), was her, in our bedroom. I was wearing pantyhose. We made love that day, and both enjoyed it. The impotence was gone forever.

Hugs,
Rikki

[Han]

I have been out with my SO for a couple of months now. She is very excepting, and she even figured it out. It was quite funny watching me as she opened her wardrobe and tried to figure out what would fit. Started throwing clothes at me and told me to put them on, I was white with fear.

She shares make up tips, dress advice, even looks for clothes for me while shopping for herself. I couldn't have a better partner. But I am still affriad that one day she will reject me for it.

It is so engrained into my psychie that this way of life is wrong. Society teaches us that it is wrong. Well here in the UK. I would go as far to say alot of societies we girls come from also. That something deep down inside such an accepting partner would still one day snap.

[Carroll]

I am on my third marriage and feel the the mention of CD might have been a reason for the two divorces. I told my first wife about two years after being married. She didn't believe me and got highly pissed that I got a "woody" when she was putting make up on me while I was sleeping. She never wanted me to CD...ever. After her (4 Years), I started dating another girl. Our first date I told her that I like to wear womens clothing. She was not too keen of the idea, and refused to let me buy anything or dress at all. After her (7 years)I met a delightful young (years old) girl 13 years younger than me. She decided early in live not to judge people for what they do. I told her the first date we had. Her response was "thats different". Two years after we got married I finally got a wig and was going to "test the waters" with my wife. Though she had reservations, she let me do it. Though there has been sometimes that she would not let me dress while she is around, over all she lets me do it basically I can anytime I want. Her feeling about it is as long as it makes me feel good and I enjoy it, do it. At least I am not drink and doing drugs!
Am I lucky? You bet!

Carroll

[kathy gg]

Welcome to the forum Gia. I think everyone here will give you varied answers to this hard questions.

But to me {a woman who had read up on the subject and taken an interest in the community prior to dating a crossdresser} it comes down to something simple. Guys think they will loose the woman they love. So they do what they have to do to keep their fiance' or wife, which usually results in hiding/lying/secrecy ect.

I hate to use "I want my cake and eat it too". But that is what keeping this from an SO boils down to in very simplistic terms.

Now you will also find alot of people who 'felt' this need, but never expressed it, never spoke of it, never even put on one item of clothing till they hit mid-life. They had an 'idea' of it, but never did it. Would any on here consder that 'hiding/lying?"? Hard to say really. I mean if you dont' have the words to describe a desire it is hard to visualize and be held accountable for something which one has no fully formed thought on.

BUt back to those who are actively doing it prior to marriage......

I understand "why" they do what they do. And I know alot of people on here will say that there was no info/no support/no internet/no society tolerance....but the truth was people were coming 'out' in the 60's & 70's and the 80's. People did tell, there are members on this forum who told and I have met many online and via support groups who did tell even back in the 'dark {no-information} age".

Also younger non married or engaed or still dating young cd's in this forum who have available forums/real time support/ books/gf/wife support/ect still choose to keep hiding and dressing in secret. You stick around this place long enough you will see plenty of 20-30 somethings saying how they are not going to share this with their SO. Saying she will not love me or not accept. So they keep hiding, keep their secrets even though they know that this is a recipe for disaster. Again they do it because they think they can either stop {in time} and they dont' want to loose their future wife. They would rather marry a girl who woudl not accept then do a favor to both and be honest, let the cards fall where they may, and if she does not stick around , at least they know they can have a clear conscious. But alot don't do that....they will always choose secrecy over honesty because they think they will never find a girl as "perfect" as the one they are lying to. And they all have their 'reasons' for not rocking the boat.

trust me, in 20 and 30 years this will still be happening. I dont' care if we have a transexual president in America. This is something that will not ever stop. Also....plenty of cd's on this forum also seem to relish in the idea of doing something 'taboo" or the thrill of the moment. Kind of hard to do that when you have a wife think of it as 'no big deal'. I am sure being married to someone like me woudl bore their socks off.

I don't hate or fault or think less of the guys who dont' tell. If anything I feel alot of sadness for them and their wives. I mean, I know more about some guys on this forum {just by reading their posts} then their wives do. To me..that is sad. Sad that the guy cannot share his 'whole' self and sad that their wife will never know their husband in a complete way.

Thanks for posting a thought provoking question and look forward to seeing mroe posts from you.

[EricaCD]

EDITRIX COMMENT: Kathy's post beat me to the punch here - the following is an amplification on her observation that not all of us actively/fully dressed when we started. Erica

Before I start I will stress that I am squarely in favor of coming out to your SO early in a relationship (now). So don't look to this post as justification, but rather in the way of an explanation.

I think most of the reasons for keeping cding a secret have been pretty clearly covered here. I might add a couple more:

1. It may not be perceived as a particularly significant part of one's life. For many--probably most--CDs, crossdressing is an infrequent activity, usually limited to wearing fem undies or lingerie. At that level, CDing seems more like an unusual sexual kink than a fundamental part of the personality. Considered in that light, I don't know that it rises to the level of a "Secret That Must Be Shared Or There Can Be No Trust In Anything Ever Again No Matter What."

2. Continuation of point 1 - for many (again, I would bet "for most") the urge to CD is not a static desire. It comes and goes - so it's not like we have a burning desire that we are keeping locked away constantly. And the intensity of the desire and the extent to which we need to go to address it certainly changes. I did not have any clue until I was nearly 30 (and with the same woman more than 10 years) that I wanted to dress fully. And nothing in my late teenage years or early 20s gave me a hint that CDing would become a progressively more significant part of my life.

3. For CDs that have a progressive urge to dress, there many not be a clear-cut "now you have to tell her" point. After not having told my spouse for 8 years about an occasional desire to wear fem lingerie, was the magic "you must tell her" point at year 8 when I bought my first skirt? Or year 9 when I tried makeup for the first time? Year 11 when I went totally en femme the first time? Four months ago when I stepped out the first time? Plainly, at some point CDing absolutely DID become a significant enough part of my life that my wife was entitled to be told about it. But I don't know when that was.

Just my deux centimes...
Erica

[Kimberley]

Veronica, I think you have illustrated a very significant point through your own experience. I am truly sorry for you that your trust was violated in such an obtuse manner. Inexcusable and unforgivable in my opinion.

It took all of my trust and energy to come out and thankfully that trust has not been violated (that I know of) despite my wife's abhorrance to anything gender related.

I am NOT advocating that people should stay closeted, but in my case it would have been better, either that or end the marriage, lose my children, house, pensions etc etc. I think this is why it is an issue that needs to brought out at the very beginning of the relationship and if there is even a hint of a wrinkled nose, then cut the losses and move on, then and there. Forget negotiating because it is values you are negotiating, the SO's values vs. your needs. It is a time bomb waiting to go off.

Kimberley.

[gia GG]

Thank you to everyone for your replies. As always I am learning so much as a member of this great group.

While I will never be able to say I understand not telling someone now after you have been in a relationship for a long time because I am not a CD nor am I in that situation, I can relate to the fear and potential rejection.

The feeling that I am having and that I belive is being predominatly expressed is doing it early on in a relationship is a good idea. Sure, you risk the rejection but everyone has things about themselves that a potential partner may reject or may not be willing to accept. Plus knowing early on rather than later means not having all the years and emotions invested in someone who chooses not to accept you for who you are or at least a part of who you are.

No CDing involved, but I was in a marriage where that happened and I am so much better off and so much happier being in a relationship with someone who not only lets me be myself, but accepts it.

I am interested in hearing more about what everyone has to say. And since this is as good a place as anywhere, thank you to everyone for allowing me to be part of your great community here.

[tekla west]

Sooner or later almost everything comes out. Secrets are never forever. The world we live in has less secrets than ones that came before it. The future seems even more so.

Once you face that, its almost easier to come on out.

Your CDing may come and go. It may be a mild panty thing. It may be a more makeup than Max Factor deal. Either way, it has a pattern. Because its based on habit, and habits - being, as it were, habitual - leave patterns, deeper as you get older. And once that pattern is seen it tells a story. Its what all of modern marketing aims for, to know everyone's patterns. And they are finding out, big time.

Moreover, the amount of information people post on themselves on the internet - thinking? Ahh hell, I don't know what they are thinking. But between My Space, Their blog, Photos of them in women's underwear and even more compromising situtions ---- REALLY? Is anyone else but me BLOWEN AWAY by the number of people posting pictures of themselves that are in some way (to some people) or sometimes to ALL people, pornographic - or at the very least neked???

Anyway, all that points to a lot less secrets. So you might as well come on down and be counted in some way. Everyone is going to know. Odd thing, a lot of them do already, they just sense your fear.

But not coming out to someone your going to have an intimate relationship with. Oh dear, that's silly. Its hard to fool real women for very long. That end is never good. Nor did anyone ever say it was. Out in a real way protects you in the long run - because there are no big secrets to reveal. Besides how are you ever going to meet a women who likes you that way if your not open about it?

[racquel]

Welcome Gia,so very glad to have you in our form.The question you pose is an issue we all have thought about before becoming seriously involved and for whatever reason some people feel that dishonesty(lack of disclosure)will not be found out.
Eventually all truth will come out as Tekla has stated.I believe that many on this forum have become aware that honesty(full disclosure) is inevitable,and often rewarding