The Yin/Yang, The Push/The Pull--In the Closet/Hiding, Strutting and Passing?????

[Stephanie Brooks]

We'll forgive the transgression.

*HUGS*

[Fiona K]

Hi Kew,
A bit late on this one, not been easy to get onluine for various reasons- none too serious!!

You know, and most of the girls know my situation, and having just dug myself from the back of the closet, behind the old shoes and sports gear I can relate to you preceptive question, sort of...

I feel calm, collected, unagressive when dressed. Taut, tense, aggressive and nervous when in drab, except when I'm doing something with my wife that slightly crosses the boundary, without neccessarily dressing.......such as clothes shopping (for her) or doing her nails for her. Something we have recently discovered we both enjoy.

I have yet to dress since I told her (still raw) all but I am not sure If Fiona is ready to bound, fully formed into the world outside.

I guess we're back to continuums or spectrums.

There may simply be a release..... the sense of relief I have from finally "fessing up" could eventually swing into a form of - exhibitionism isn't the right word- maybe euphoria at finally being free? Does that make sense?

The relationship you ahev with Sherlynn is very special and so I am not too surprised she feels off the leash a little!

Love
Fiona
xx

[Rachel Elizabeth]

One thing I've learned from this forum is that there all all kinds of crossdressers, for all kinds of different reasons. I dress because it's FUN! Maybe you take it for granted, but take it from someone who has experienced life on both sides of the divide: There is nothing in this world more fun than being a girl. When I get all dressed up, I can't wait to go out and experience some of the little things a woman does - having guys open doors for me, browsing in the outlet stores for a great buy on a skirt, giving myself a little spritz of cologne at the fragrance counter - just thinking about it makes me want to sneak out of the office early and get dressed up again. Ask Windy

I have to agree. I think someone said that most of us started dressing or wearing at least some of mommie's clothes when we were children. I know I did - at age 4. It felt good. Don't know why. But the gender police were always around. Dad wanted a "man"; people outside would express hatred and sometimes brutality; other women would snicker, point, and laugh.

At some point in time, though, the girl wants out. It takes a while longer for those girls who look like guys dressing like girls.

I now have been doing what Windy does for 10 years and I have continue to take it further every day that passes. [No pun intended.]

Hugs

[KayleighTV_UK]

Just got in from a long day at work.. argh..

Anyway, ive been thinking about this all day, and just wanted to add something else..

I was in a relationship with a GG that understood me fully.. i told her like on the first date who i was and what was going on in my head.. felt totaly clear about what i wanted, and where i was going. but thats another story..

Anyway, she used to dress me.. which was nice.. but whenever she did it she told me that i was like two diffrent people.. when i was kay i would be shy, drawn and i would always hide in my hair.. and she always made me stop and try to come out of myself, in the end she would get very scared and tell me that she couldnt handle it any more, and she just wanted her B/F back..

what im trying to say is that maybe, just maybe, we are two different people.. and we just have to learn how to handle the other side of ourselves.. i mean i remember the first time i saw myself totally fem.. i was scared. very confused.. and well.. im not sure what else to say..

I guess we all handle it in a differnt way.. nowdays all i want to do is get out!!! But for anyone thats seen my pics, they are all taken in the same room.. so no chance of it there..

Sorry to ramble. i just wanted to add something.. hope someone knows how i feel..

Kayleigh X

[DonnaD]

I dunno, I know that eventually I'll go out, the reason behind that is is in some deep dark corner of my brain I am fairly certain that if given the choice to live as m or f? I'd choose female.

When i dress in the limited things I own, I only want it to go to that next level, always, hands down, then get depressed when i have to switch back. As far as peing passable, who knows? I cant do makeup worth a darn so we'll see.

I dress for several reasons, everthing I wont do or have no interest in while in boy mode i will do in girl mode, but there are things that I'll do in boy mode and girl mode if that makes sense.

I just wish that next level Im waiting on would get here lol...


DonnaD...

[DanaJ]

Okay, since I'm the "Grammar Nazi" I have to fess up to my own self loathing as I started the thread: "The Yin/The Yang"--that was supposed to be: The Ying/The Yang. I stand self-corrected with a thousand lashings with a wet noodle.

hugs
kew

Kew - I think you had it right the first time or did you go back and change it?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yin_Yang

DanaJ

[Paula A]

When en femme, I'm alive. I'm sexual. Feline. I can emote, touch, be physically close to people. There are no constraints on me.

I love having a curvy body. A woman's body is life as art, her curves are nature's perfection, a celebration of life. What power it is to look that way!

It is sensual to be en femme. To decorate one's figure with satin and lace is to say I enjoy being alive and being a woman. To wrap ones legs in nylon is to be reminded of same with every step. To decorate one's figure with the scents of womanhood is to become intoxicated. Makeup is an olfactory addiction, and perfume strikes the brain hard. Even removing one's hose at the end of the day gives the wearer the special and evanescent scent on her legs.

Stephanie;
It makes perfectly good sense, I understand. I think you hit the real "WHY"
thank you so much for your creativity, WOW.

Back to the question;
Advoidance of being ridiculed and harassed and such keeps, me at least in the closet -way in the back, it just seams I can't get past the shoes, oh the shoes, any hoo - when in drab, must act like a draby man and when ever i start to find the door the fear of being tourtured by others keeps me checking my words and actions and appearance.
When dressed I can be myself, I can look like I want, I can act like I want, I can touch what I want (friendly touching like what steph first talked about) I'm happy, Im free. I'm like a puppy dog that was just let out of the fence. Now I just wish I had the courage to get out of the fence myself. Not having ever been out in public I can only imagine the thrill, like a happy puppy dog.

This is probably why when in drab we must fit in and be men, be macho and check ourselves and when dressed we go with wild abandon because it feels so good so right, I hope this helps.

[DeniseNY]

Hi Kew!

I guess I always arrive late to the party for some reason...

To try and sum it up quickly, while in male mode one has to conform to the ideals of society. It is very trying at times to walk the tightrope that is being the man, not to show too much of your feelings, not to get too close to anyone, not to be vulnerable ever, and yet not be too macho to turn off the ladies. The release that comes about when en femme is a compensation - maybe even an overcompensation.

The urge to let down your inhibitions and let it all hang out is tremendous if you spend every waking moment buttoned up. Partially because you can only CD for a limited time, partially because you get to assume a new personality while dressed, and partially for the fun of it, among other things, you tend to be very gung-ho and public about going out if you can do it. Not all of us can, you know. I personally do it for the fun, for the reaction that I get on the street, to have doors held for me, to hear the gossipy girl-talk secrets GGs would otherwise never tell you, etc.

Sorry I went so long, but that's the quick and dirty story, at least for me.

[Rachel Ann]

"The Yin/The Yang"--that was supposed to be: The Ying/The Yang.

I've seen it transliterated both ways, Kew. Foreign words are funny that way. Also, there are many dialects of Chinese, and the word also appears in Korean.

For some reason I can't quite remember, "Yin" seems to be preferred nowadays.

So give me that wet noodle back!

[Celeste GG]

Noting worse than getting all dressed up and nowhere to go. I only dress in my latex and Boots when there is somewhere to be seen in them. My husband isn't into it so I don't dress at home at all. There a quite a few nite clubs in Melbourne where fethish and T-girls is most acceptable. Losts of private parties too.

I do sometimes dress ultra feminine and go shopping. (somewhere else he won't go)

My daughter is working at a department store for the christmas holidays and she told me that she thought he had a customer who was a t-girl.

And what is interesting is how she thought she knew.... because her nails were done, she was dressed beautifully and feminine and she spoke quietly and politely when asking for help.

if more girls got out and were like this, then the next generation might be more accepting.

Celeste

[MonaSmith]

My daughter is working at a department store for the christmas holidays and she told me that she thought he had a customer who was a t-girl.

And what is interesting is how she thought she knew.... because her nails were done, she was dressed beautifully and feminine and she spoke quietly and politely when asking for help.

if more girls got out and were like this, then the next generation might be more accepting.

Celeste

Apart from living on the totally opposite side of the world and the fact that when I'm in drab I tend to be a very ordinary looking, it could be me! I always have my long nails painted and speak softly and politely. Does this mean that I am helping the cause? Or just a bit of an attention *****? Male shop assisstants tend to ignore the nails, but the women tend to do a double-take and often comment on them, in a complimentry way. It's nice when that happens, it always makes me feel good. You should tell her to compliment him on them, if she sees him again, and see what he says. It might just make his day, as it does mine.

[SilkenPrincess]

It's all about sex.

When I'm in drab, I'm a prisoner of sorts. I can't emote, I can't touch, I can't get physically close to people.

When en femme, I'm alive. I'm sexual. Feline. I can emote, touch, be physically close to people. There are no constraints on me.

I love having a curvy body. A woman's body is life as art, her curves are nature's perfection, a celebration of life. What power it is to look that way!

It is sensual to be en femme. To decorate one's figure with satin and lace is to say I enjoy being alive and being a woman. To wrap ones legs in nylon is to be reminded of same with every step. To decorate one's figure with the scents of womanhood is to become intoxicated. Makeup is an olfactory addiction, and perfume strikes the brain hard. Even removing one's hose at the end of the day gives the wearer the special and evanescent scent on her legs.

Sex.

I should have been born female. I dream of awakening as a woman, alive and alert, sensual and free.

It's about the dream and possibility of having life growing inside. Oh it will never happen to me, but the thought is still there. It isn't about promiscuous sexual activity, but the female sex itself.

It's about being how I should be. En femme I've done some of my more creative work. I'm alive. I'm good.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense to you Kew, or to anyone else. It doesn't make sense to me, but it is how I am.

BRAVO Stephanie!!
That was one of the best explanations I have heard or thought of. Thank you for saying it!
Love,
SilkenPrincess

[SilkenPrincess]

Kew,
I'd like to offer my ideas on this as well. First, understand that internally I'm seriously mismatched, and that puts me at a disadvantage because that makes me feel inadaquate and useless. Both as a man and a woman. Outwardly, I'm male, but it's only skin deep. Feeling inadequate will keep you in a box of sorts,afraid to come out. But, when I used to dress, I would feel completely alive and totally devoid of any internal incongruity. Thus, exits the fear and trepidation. In some respects, it's almost like a drug, but better. It does NOT feel unnatural in any way at all to appear feminine. But appearing as a male is almost frightening because of the intense feelings of being only half a person, whether trying to be male or female. I feel very self-conscious of everything I do as a male, wondering if I'm behaving as I am expected to, or delivering to those around me what they are coming to me for, socially speaking. Those fears fly out the window when I fell whole. You see, you are complete. You have two matching halves to your being. I don't have that. I would say that you are fortunate in that, but most of the population shares your fortune. Unfortunately, most of the well-matched members of society can't understand what the few of us are going through. I wish you love and peace in your relationship with your girl.
Love,
SilkenPrincess

[StephanieCD]

For me, when the negative feelings temporarily go away during a dressing activity they manifest afterward as guilt, fear, and self-loathing. All the same ideas, turned around in hindsight. It's a sad shame...

just me.

[Stephanie Brooks]

I must say "Thank You!" to all of you who have said such kind words on my response. I thought it was just me. I'm happy it resonated with so many! I'm also happy to see all of the other thoughts too!!!!!!

[DonnaT]

It's all about sex.

When I'm in drab, I'm a prisoner of sorts. I can't emote, I can't touch, I can't get physically close to people.

One time at work I found myself in a Stephanie emotional state. I found myself touching the hand of my female boss (two levels above me!) in a communicative gesture. She didn't notice, but I realized later what I'd done. I emailed her and apologized. She easily accepted my apology, as I'm a non-threatening person. Regardless, I make sure I don't do such things!

When en femme, I'm alive. I'm sexual. Feline. I can emote, touch, be physically close to people. There are no constraints on me.

I love having a curvy body. A woman's body is life as art, her curves are nature's perfection, a celebration of life. What power it is to look that way!

It is sensual to be en femme. To decorate one's figure with satin and lace is to say I enjoy being alive and being a woman. To wrap ones legs in nylon is to be reminded of same with every step. To decorate one's figure with the scents of womanhood is to become intoxicated. Makeup is an olfactory addiction, and perfume strikes the brain hard. Even removing one's hose at the end of the day gives the wearer the special and evanescent scent on her legs.

Sex.

I should have been born female. I dream of awakening as a woman, alive and alert, sensual and free.

It's about the dream and possibility of having life growing inside. Oh it will never happen to me, but the thought is still there. It isn't about promiscuous sexual activity, but the female sex itself.

It's about being how I should be. En femme I've done some of my more creative work. I'm alive. I'm good.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense to you Kew, or to anyone else. It doesn't make sense to me, but it is how I am.

You sound very much like Julie M. did when I first "met" her. So it makes a lot of sense, to me anyway.

[flicka]

Hi KewTnCurvy

Basically every one of us girls wants to be recognised, accepted, receive compliments and be admired. It may take years, decades, before the decision to step out is taken.
No matter how serene and comforting the feeling of dressing is to a CD-er, there is a need to be seen and appreciated in some form. She who lives alone, or with an unsuspecting wife, eventually ventures out, be it a drive at night to the post office to check a mailbox, or more adventurous foray to a shopping mall to mingle with the crowd. It is a test of acceptance, At another level there can be little satisfaction, when dressed, to be confined to a specific area of your own home with no audience other than an accepting - but disapproving -spouse. More fortunate is She with an accepting and tolerant wife, but still this is not enough to satisfy the basic need of every woman - to show oneself off and be admired by someone.
Many on this Forum will emphatically deny a wish to have a relationship with a man, but will admit to such a fantasy. But I will challenge any member to deny, when they are fully "femmed", that they would not be titilated by the attention of a male - be it no more than an appreciative glance.

For decades I lived in the closet, through 40 years of a wonderful marriage, and despite many opportunities to venture out I never did, though I had a strong desire to do so.

I came out a year ago to a close male friend, widowed, like myself. One day we walked to a nearby restaurant for an al fresco meal. It was pleasing, casually strolling along, on his arm and feeling so feminine; but the main pleasure was in receiving his attention his admiration and being treated as a woman.
I have no need to go out now - We enjoy a wonderful relationship within the privacy of our homes, which fulfills all my needs.

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Flicka and others thanks for sharing,

Flicka, may I ask a question; you're widowed but partnered with a man now? Is that correct? I'm just curious. And sorry about your wife being gone, hope you're found peace in your heart.

Again, thanks to all,

hugs
kew

[Katiegirl]

Hi Kew

I either kept my desire to crossdress in the closet or not doing it at all for most of my life, I suppose the fact its not accepted in general and the experience of being caught by my ex with tights and pants on and the resulting devorce is one thing I would not like to go though again.

I suppose I have deep down really wanted to be a girl but life can be a bitch and I have a body of a man. Since my mother died in July I have lived alone and the desire to dress as a woman became so strong and being alone I can now dress all the time and most other times I have drab outer cloths over female underwear. Katie has now been out twice and found the experience wonderful and intends to do more as in effect she goes on a high.

At the moment I have no intention to tell my kids, relations or friends unless I am outed. Being alone you need the contact with other people and I have many gg friends whose friendship I value greatly and at the moment I do not want to put it at risk.

There is a big down side as in so much I get very depressed by the inner conflict that is going on inside me and I have no other place to voice my thoughts but in this forum. I have been to Transgender meetings which I hope I can get some support there in the future. For now when I get a black on, I have to push myself to keep going as best I can, otherwise I would come to a complete standstill and not very easly get going again.

Mind of a woman, body of a man, lifes a bitch 

[Rachel Ann]

At the moment I have no intention to tell my kids, relations or friends unless I am outed. Being alone you need the contact with other people and I have many gg friends whose friendship I value greatly and at the moment I do not want to put it at risk.

Katie <3

I don't know where you live, although I see that we are close in age.

If there are any TG clubs in your area, GO TO THEM! This has done tons for not needing to out myself to others in RL, not to mention my self-esteem!

My family and friends would probably be supportive, but I think that it would be selfish of me to put them through those changes. Especially my son.

Love

[Rachel Ann]

But I will challenge any member to deny, when they are fully "femmed", that they would not be titilated by the attention of a male - be it no more than an appreciative glance.

Flicka

You've got me there! I don't want to "do the nasty" with a man (although anything can change), but I do love the idea of flirting with, dancing with, being romanced by a man.

Oh well, I suppose that's every woman's dilemma.

btw your avatar is so wonderfully flirty!

Love

[Katiegirl]

Thanks Rachel

I do intend to go to more TG groups there are 2 in travelling distance, for your information I live in the UK

I think they will help as you said

[flicka]

Dear Kew

The answer is, Yes, and I am very happy and contented in my new life. However, our true relationship is clandestine; our respective families and friends know nothing of it; we are just mates with common interests who quaff a beer together. In a way I wouldn't be devastated if we were "Outed", then we could enjoy our companionship 24/7!

We both had absolutely wonderful marriages, to truly wonderful ladies whom we considered irreplacable.

[flicka]

And Rachel Ann!

Thanks for your honest, supportive comment .. and for the lovely compliment!

[Rachel_740]

Well Kew, for me it's pretty simple. I have little interest in going out in guy mode. I've done it all my life and it's a bore. I've never really found anything useful in it that wasn't utilitarian. Guys/men do stuff, it doesn't matter what, they just do 'stuff'. And they dress to do stuff in blah clothes. So where's the spark to want to go out and tell the world, "Here I am!"

The other day I got dressed to go to therapy. It had been a while (for me that could be two days) and I was dying. I needed to be me. When I was done I looked in the mirror and felt this great relief, "Yes! This is what I want to see in the mirror, not that old man!" Naturally, I felt so good I wanted to run to the hilltops and proclaim, "I am Julie and I am proud of it!"

When you repress something that means so much to you, it's very liberating when you finally get the chance to express it.

Does this make any sense to you?

Julie,

This makes perfect sense. I struggle to get through the day as him now. As soon as I get home Rachel comes out. On the evenings I go to archery I'm tearing my (much loved) hair out. I could go to archery as Rachel, but I've only recently asked if the club has any problems with Rachel and I feel I might as well wait a few more weeks until I transition before Rachel is seen there now.

Rachel