Raising a child and crossdressing

[mandm40c]

Alittle back story first. I don't fully dress in public or home. I enjoying wearing skirts, hosiery, lingerie and heels at home and woman's jeans, heels and lingerie in public. I do wear a dress every now and then, but keep that for special occasions. I have a very accepting SO who loves me for me and has no problem with me dressing daily. We recently had a baby, our first, and it got me thinking about how I lived in shame for so many years before telling my SO, doing the whole buy and purge thing and question everything I am suppose to know and do as a man. So I talked to my SO about how I want to live and lead by example, when it comes to raising our children. She understood and agrees with me, we both feel it would be good for the following reasons. Teaches them about accepting people who are different from you and respecting their way of life. Also, to show them they can be whom ever they want or turn out to be and that it is ok to be different from what is considered normal. While I don't plan on doing anything that is obviously embarrassing when the time comes for friends to come over, I question if it is a good idea? My SO and I think it is a good idea, but just curious if anyone else has gone down this road. I've read a lot of post in regards to grown kids, I don't recall any new parents talking about it.

[Zoe B]

I have two children 8 and 6 now and I have always been upfront and honest with them.
Always answered their questions and I can say that it has had no negative effects. My daughter is a happy understanding person and my son is well a typical boy 😉

Jennifer did mention that you would be out to everyone and I fully expected that would happen, surprisingly they have hardly told anyone, no I have never told them to keep secrets.

[LelaK]

It's sometimes in the news that some parents allow their boys to wear dresses when they want to. So I don't see a problem with you dressing as you like at home.

[Jenniferathome]

If you plan on cross dressing at home, then you will have to explain yourself eventually. Very little kids will not see anything unique about this. But you must know that 1) they can not keep secrets, so you WILL BE OUT to everyone and 2) If you ask them to keep this secret, you have just taught them to lie and be ashamed. Unless you plan to dress at home, in front of them, there is no need to tell them.

[AletaHawk]

Kids' inability to keep secrets is exactly why Aleta stays a secret at home, at least for now. Me being outted wouldn't have much of an effect on me personally, but the potential impact on the rest of my family could be huge. It's just not worth the risk.

[carahawkwind]

I have a three year old. Hiding it from her would be basically be impossible short of a purge, she's too curious, too perceptive, too good at getting into things to hide it from her long term. We're kind of easing her into things, I've never dressed in front of her, but she's seen pictures of me dressed and for Halloween I'm doing a gender swap costume with my wife. From what my daughter has seen she's been nothing positive so far. She'll probably out me to someone I don't want to be outed to at some point, but she also has a pretty wild imagination and says all sorts of crazy things, so I might be able to deny it and if not that is fine, I'll deal with it as needed.

[Samantha_Smile]

If you plan on cross dressing at home, then you will have to explain yourself eventually. Very little kids will not see anything unique about this.
But you must know that
1) they can not keep secrets, so you WILL BE OUT to everyone and
2) If you ask them to keep this secret, you have just taught them to lie and be ashamed.

Unless you plan to dress at home, in front of them, there is no need to tell them.

Good response. This is the debate in my mind at this very point.
There IS the option to come out and just have everyone know, then there are no secrets, good, great.
But when they get to school, they will tell other kids, those kids will tell their parents and then come back to school and repeat whatever their parents say to them back to my kid, and you know it will be some hateful, ignorant, hurtful bullshit that's going to make my kid unhappy. ("Your dad is gay" "Your dad is a sh3m4l3" "Your dad is a pervert" and god forbid its a boy because he will get accused of CDing by other kids too - Dick heads raise dick heads unfortunately)
I don't want that either.

I find it sad that you can raise the most open minded, tolerant, intelligent child in the world, and it will all get undone by other children's poor up-bringing.

[Annaliese]

Yes, yes and yes, that is the only way things can change, is to teach our children to be accepting and not accept bullying from anyone.

[mandm40c]

All good responses and Smile, sounds like you and I have the same view point. Our biggest concern is the kid(s) spilling the beans and then getting pick on or bullied by other kids because of narrow minded individuals. Would use some other choice words for those people, but trying to keep it clean. lol I'm very grateful to have a SO who supports living openly and is ok with going down this path in regards to our kid(s). We both feel the exposure from a young age would be better than keeping it a secret and kid(s) discovering at a later age.

[Tiffany Jane]

mandm40c, my son turns one tomorrow and the only thing he has seen me in was a pink camo tshirt and jeans. I have nights after he is in bed were I have dressed and watched tv with my supportive wife. My fears are the same as many here; he'll be teased at at school on my behalf, he will slip and tell family causing a whole other can of worms to be opened, or maybe my biggest fear, he will grow up seemingly unbothered with it, and societal bias and peer opinions later in his life will leave him with a lesser view of his dad based on this activity I do. I know well enough that our reality and perceptions of our parents change as we grow older, so feels like this could be a larger problem.

For disclosure, I don't dress for the appearrance of a woman, just a guy in feminine clothing. No makeup or wig but do shave legs, pits, paint nails, and keep hair very short all the time. Also would aspire to teach him patience, equality, and compassion as well as many of the male traits he will pick up by watching his dad as he grows up.

[mechamoose]

Your kids learn what you teach them. They learn what is 'bad' and what is 'good' from your example.

I have two adult kids and a 13 year old. I wear skirts, camis and painted nails all the time. My 13 year old doesn't blink. My older kids just accept it as ME. I have *always* been 'different', my kids are too. I like to think that they have the courage to be that way because of my example.

YOU teach them what is 'normal'. YOU teach them what is 'right'. YOUR judgments will travel with them their entire lives. If YOU are open, they will be too.

Help make your kids BETTER than you are. Help them learn from your mistakes.

<3

- MM

[Ginger Jameson]

I'm raising two kids (10, 13) and a granddaughter (3). They all know. It was a little hard for my son at first. He didn't find out until recently and was worried that he was about to have three women role models and no males. Its better now.

The other two have been fine with it. For my granddaughter its just who Muhmuh is.

If you can stand being outed to the world, by all means do it. Secrets eat away at the ones who hold them and break the trust of the ones who stumble onto them.

[Sara Jessica]

I follow along with what Jennifer and Samantha said. You seem like you're all good with being "out" but at some point it becomes less about you and more about your kids. Your SO can take care of herself but the children will either have to have ability to face the music on their own or be subject to the torment that children can and will inflict.

My own situation, I'm out & about but not "out". I have no desire to prance around the house in front of my kids, their friends, or anyone else for that matter, presenting as a female. Regardless of what is in my heart, I created my situation and I'm not inclined to do things that will make it more difficult for my wife and children.

[JocelynRenee]

When my wife and I decided that we were no longer comfortable hiding this aspect of my my personality from the world we sat down with our children, ages 6, 7, and 16, and invited their input. Each of them voted for us to be open. They were free to share the information with whomever they chose, and over the years many of their friends grew up knowing - some even bought me feminine gifts. There were no issues with parents or bullying, but there were loads of priceless, teachable moments. If crossdressing is a private affair, a fetish, etc. then keep it private. For the rest of us, though, I strongly support sharing with our children.

No parent wants to be the cause of their child's suffering, but is teaching them not to live a life of truth the answer? In 1960 it was not a popular idea for my white mother to marry my black father. While it may be more acceptable for me to be married to a white woman today, it's still raises eyebrows in some quarters. Our children easily pass as white. Should we have considered hiding my ethnic background to spare them potential bullying? What about the gay uncle, the overweight aunt, or the autistic family friend?

I can't think of any community that should be more invested in teaching tolerance to the next generation. Sheesh, you can't spend 5 minutes here without reading a post lamenting the lack of acceptance. Wanna change the world? Change starts at home.

[Ivie]

It is something I worry about frequently. We have a seven year old girl and a boy approaching two, so as well as wanting to come out to my SO I have the extra feeling that I need to be out to the family while they're still little. Everything I've read suggests that this is much better than when they're older, but then as other posters have said I worry about bullying they might experience. We're not in the trendiest or most enlightened area.
But then again, this is all moot (funny word... moot) until I actually get up the courage to tell my SO in the first place.

So anyways, I think as the two of you are in agreement, then totally, just be yourself it will be better for all.
Love
Ivie
I think my daughter would probably be proud, and defiant in the face of said postulated criticism

[Tinkerbell-GG]

If it's a public identity, tell your kids. If it's a private activity, DON'T tell your kids.

Fairly simple

[Beverley Sims]

I am not enthusiastic about the idea having kept it away from my children all the time.

[Suzanne F]

I am out except at work. My 2 older daughters know and have been so loving and supportive. They were raised to be tolerant and accepting of others. I am so proud of them! They genuinely want me to be me. When it became apparent that I was headed toward being out we decided to tell my 11 year old son. It has been the best decision we could have made. I am closer to him now than before. He has learned so much by being part of this journey. Yes I fear that he could suffer because of me being TS but so far that has not happened. I have been to his new school several times as Suzanne with no mishaps. I believe that the benefits of him seeing me meet this challenge outweigh the potential problems.
Suzanne

[Teresa]

Many congratulations on having your first child !

When we had our kids there was so much going on, I set up a new business so I just hid my CDing . Didn't come out to my wife till I was in my forties ! It was difficult enough for my wife to accept it let alone my children to come to terms with it !
Maybe all that was a mistake but my wife and I had had difficult childhoods and realised that having kids and bringing them up well was hard enough ! Kids can encounter enough of their own problems without offloading yours on to them !
Now my children are grown up with their own famillies I can't see the same harm in them knowing about my CDing, but they now have enough on their plates to concern themselves without my problems !

If your kids find out about your CDing, then they know ! Telling them may not achieve anything and even risk you damaging your relationship with them !

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Mandm, I have been dressing for almost 68 years and I saw no need to burden
my two daughters both in their late 40s' with this program it was enough of a
burden to drop on wife of 50+ years who has known the whole time.

[Sara Jessica]

No parent wants to be the cause of their child's suffering, but is teaching them not to live a life of truth the answer?

I just wanted to take a moment to say that I totally agree with your POV even though it is the opposite of what I conveyed. I think we're talking about both sides of the same coin. I believe a key point you made is that you and your wife made a decision about telling your children. In my case, my wife says that is not going to happen. So because I am not looking to present as female around my family, it's just as well that we continue on the path we're on. That is not to say though that someday, maybe even someday sooner than later, we might disclose to the children. It is something that both of us need to be on board about.

[BillieJoEllen]

I dressed in front of my daughter until she was about three and a half. Seems she remembered a lot more about my dressing than I wanted her to.

[Felicia Dee]

My SO and I are looking to have our first kid soon so, I've been sweating over this notion myself... my SO says we'll cross that bridge when we get to it, but it's still simmering in the back of my mind. I don't want to teach my child to lie and be ashamed. Being "outed" is a non issue for me, except as it pertains to some of our more conservative relations. For now, it's all speculation. If you have any grand revelations or discoveries mandm40c, please let us know. Meantime, I'll be hashing this out in therapy for the foreseeable future, LOL.

[Athena_]

As the father of 3 teenagers, I have remained in stealth mode around the kids over the years. For many of those years, I was in stealth mode around my wife. My current DADT relationship precludes me from dressing when others are around. I will come out to my daughter for sure one day; my sons, I don't think so. I still struggle with the personal shame that I have felt over crossdressing. Our group on this site has helped me enormously not to feel that shame as strongly.

[swansong]

I have two boys, age 2 and 4. They don't know, nor will they until they are much older. For much the same reasons already posted. I don't see the point in giving the bullies ammunition. When they are older and have a little better understanding of the world, I will probably let them know.