Ok... well I'm not leaving...

[Bree-asaurus]

So some of you may have seen a thread a couple days back where I was saying goodbye (sorry mods, didn't know that was against the rules. I should read them every once and a while :P) and asked the mods to delete my account.

Nothing major happened. I know some of you were worried about what I was going through.

Basically... I've been transitioning for 2 years but never really faced the fact that I need to be myself regardless of what I think I look like or sound like. It's been way too easy for me to sit back, be myself when I feel good, and go into hibernation when I feel bad. I've basically been leaving myself a "safety net" to fall back on while I naively believe that, one day, I will suddenly look in the mirror and be happy with who I am.

The last month was a very long hibernation that resulted in an anxiety attack when trying to see my very supportive sister and father this last Sunday. I guess I had to finally hit that wall, and realize that I can wait and wait an wait... but I will NEVER feel better about myself unless I face my fears and get over this hump. I need to go out, every day and be myself 100% of the time. I can't go into hiding, or wear my man costume every time I have issues with my ability to pass (or lack thereof).

So after a very well deserved slap in the face from the universe, I now know what I MUST face. I can't keep waiting... I can't keep hoping that things will just somehow get better. I have to do what I have to do because I don't have any other choice.

I am doing well now. I have a fresh outlook and a newfound approach. I'm going to suck it up and do what needs to be done, so maybe, one day, I can look in the mirror and be happy with the person I see.

On a related note: I made it my goal yesterday that I am getting an orchi. I once again consulted the internet regarding the DIY method, and once again reminded myself that that's insane. So on a whim, I called my dad, and asked if he could lend me the money for surgery until my car sells... and after a long talk with him today, basically showing him that this is what I must do... he agreed! I've already booked appointments with my doctor and therapist to get the letters I need, I called the surgeon prior to asking my dad, and tomorrow... TOMORROW I am calling to book my appointment for surgery! YAY! I was soooo giddy with excitement yesterday that not only had I finally set my decision in stone, but also that my dad is lending me the money so I can set the date in stone!

I have known for a while that I needed to get an orchi. Not instead of SRS, but to hold me over until I can afford SRS. I WILL GET SRS... just not now. While I would love nothing more than to be a woman inside and out, I also want to be able to settle down with my boyfriend and start a family. So my goals of increasing my income and saving money are dedicated to starting our family. Second to that, is SRS.

Anyway... thanks for listening... and sorry for jumping the gun last week with the whole 'I quit' thing. I was just at the end of my rope... and I think I needed to get that bad to finally realize what I have to do.

[StaceyJane]

Glad to see you're back Bree.
Great news on the Orchi.

[Marleena]

I almost posted today to see what happened to you Bree but wasn't sure if it was a good idea since not many saw your post. Nice to see you back and moving things along.

[Miranda09]

Hi Bree. Glad to hear you've started to come to certain realizations, and you'll be with us for a very long time. It's also nice to hear that your father is a very supportive person. Good luck on your future plans.

[arbon]

Welcome back I think it is wonderful that you are moving forward and doing what you need to do for you

[ZosKiaCultusC7]

This is good news! I read your previous thread and well, my heart sank. Fear is a pain in the ass and it will stop you dead in your tracks but the only way to overcome fear is to face it head on. I know, this is pretty cliche but it's true, isn't it? Your strength allows me to build strength for when it comes time to come out to work and go make a full transition.

[Bree-asaurus]

Hi Bree. Glad to hear you've started to come to certain realizations, and you'll be with us for a very long time. It's also nice to hear that your father is a very supportive person. Good luck on your future plans.

I'm a rare bird... 95% of the people in my life are 100% supportive. That either shows how tough this path is, or how weak I am :P

This is good news! I read your previous thread and well, my heart sank. Fear is a pain in the ass and it will stop you dead in your tracks but the only way to overcome fear is to face it head on. I know, this is pretty cliche but it's true, isn't it? Your strength allows me to build strength for when it comes time to come out to work and go make a full transition.

Yup. It's cliche but it's true.

I'm in a interesting situation because I'm self employed. The only people I have to transition in front of are the people who care about me... my family and friends. I don't have co-workers... I don't have employees... I don't have bosses. If I go back and fourth, it doesn't change a thing. I don't have to prove to anyone who I am and that makes it very easy to end up in a state of purgatory.

But if I'm to get a better job or increase my current income, or learn to be happy for ****s sake, I need to be myself. I can't keep falling back when times get tough.

To anyone in a similar situation, or ANYONE with ANY fear... you will NEVER get better unless you face it. I just hope to god or whatever that this time, I have the courage to follow through with my intentions.

[Anna Lorree]

We all have hard days, Bree. I had one yesterday, you can read it in this forum. After stomping my feet and having a few people smack me upside the head with the reality that I am choosing to not transition at this point of my life (yes, it's a choice), I went out tonight and bought a new nail polish and a tank-top in a color I wanted. So now I'm doing my nails as I respond to you, and thinking about my future. I am contemplating options, not feeling sorry that I have to decide.

I know how hard it can be to look in the mirror sometimes. If an outside opinion matters to you, all you have to do is ask.

Anna

[Bree-asaurus]

I know how hard it can be to look in the mirror sometimes. If an outside opinion matters to you, all you have to do is ask.

That's the thing... I have NEVER had an issue being myself (aside from not being able to get a job). My main obstacle is myself. I have plenty of support. I wish I could spread it around to those who don't have enough. The only person keeping me from being myself day-to-day is myself.

[sandra-leigh]

I'm glad to see you back, Bree!

I think the expression is "flying without a net" (a reference to trapeze I believe.) I feel like I'm doing that a fair bit of the time. Inventing yourself as you go along is hard work.

I hibernated a lot this year. I'm not really ready to come out yet. But I'm working towards it. And just it being spring helps, I find.

[Anna Lorree]

The only person keeping me from being myself day-to-day is myself.

I understand that, completely.

Anna

[ReineD]

I'm glad you feel better, Bree.

[KellyJameson]

I'm glad you came back Bree and that you are safe and have found the means and strength to keep moving forward. I have often felt exactly as you did on your previous post and have blown up my life by walking away from everything trying to escape something I could not articulate and was carrying around inside me anyway so there was no escape.

Fighting against ourselves to accommodate the world does not work and in the end no one is really happy and in our misery we hurt others more than if we had listened to that inner voice and become what we were destined for and this is true I think on many levels but most importantly gender because everything else grows out of this.

Living lifes of quiet desperation is not living, life is to be acted on like a hungry dog with a meaty bone.

[Bree-asaurus]

I'm glad you feel better, Bree.

Was trying to PM you earlier, but your inbox is full! :/

[ReineD]

Oops!



... all fixed!
..................

[nikkijo]

bree you gave me that same push not that long ago... so why didnt you use your owed shoulder to let you have some support so you didnt get so deep in your hole... some of us dont have very many people we talk to and we kinda like keeping the few we talk to around a bit... glad you are doing better, but next time do those of us who do care about you a favor and atleast drop a line to say hey i need some help.. even if its just a simple it will be ok... let your friends help guide you... you gave me the same advice you were failing to do for yourself... and you finally listened to yourself.... yay!!! congrats on getting the orchi... to bad human drs dont charge the same rates a vet does.... then we could afford it easier.... lol..

To anyone in a similar situation, or ANYONE with ANY fear... you will NEVER get better unless you face it. I just hope to god or whatever that this time, I have the courage to follow through with my intentions.

hummm... i think you have told me that very line atleast once.... or 10 times.... employees are fun to transition in front of when your the boss and sign their pay check...

[Persephone]

.Hi Bree!

I must have missed the first post, but I'm really glad to see the second. You are one of the people on here who often helps the rest of us along and you should feel that the same help and support and encouragement is here for you.

Each day may have its ups and its downs. You may have to slow down sometimes after you've sprinted ahead for a while, but the real key is to not stop moving forward. You matter to a lot of us so please continue to keep us informed.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Jonianne]

..... but I will NEVER feel better about myself unless I face my fears .....

..... The only person keeping me from being myself day-to-day is myself.

Hi Bree, I lived with horrible depression before and while I was in therapy, until the day it really dawned on me that NO ONE WAS MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF. "I" WAS THE ONE WHO WAS MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF! The moment that realization dawned on me, the depression lifted and never returned.

I'm glad you are feeling better!

[Kristy_K]

Hi Bree, I also didn't see you first post. But it is nice not to see you go and that you are feeling better.

Kristy

[Jorja]

I am glad you are doing better. I must have missed that thread. This thing we have, call it GID or whatever you like, is not going away. We are rarely “happy with who we are” until we are who we must be. I hope that made sense?

I understand your decision to have the orchi and that will help for a while. The thing here is you are taking that step forward and you will find peace, for awhile. So now you know what you must do and what your direction must be. Be warned though, that feeling will raise its ugly head again until you do what you must do. Hopefully, there will be enough time in between to save a bit more money.

You are truly lucky to have a supportive family. So many do not have that.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I'm glad you are making progress.. I know what its like to get lots of support and still feel stagnant, almost like I was letting somebody else down

From an outside perspective you have so much going for you, I'm confident you will reach your goals.

[LeaP]

Bree, I'm very happy you're staying. you are truly a mainstay here.

Lea

[Sharon]

I'm happy you're sticking around, Bree.

[Pamela Kay]

Glad you're staying Bree, the place just wouldn't have been the same.

Don't feel bad about denying that woman in the mirror, some of us (like me) have almost made it our life's work. It isn't easy but the decision finally comes when we have no other choice and have to put everything else aside to be who we truly are.

I think you'll find out that Bree is a pretty good woman.

[kimdl93]

Bree, I never pay attention to "I quit" posts...people sometimes just need to vent and that's one way that steam comes out. I'm so happy to hear that you have been able to work yourself through the funk and come out the other end with a more positive and proactive attitude. Best of luck...and stick around!