Those who didn't know from an early age

[Kerstin]

I'm going through a time of uncertainty right now, and need to work out where I am 'at', so to speak. I'm now in my late 30s. Since I was a kid I've had the urge to wear women's clothes, shave all my body hair, wear makeup, secretly wear women's underwear/tights etc under my male clothes. This occurred at irregular intervals, sometimes with periods of a year in between. I didn't question it, I just did it because it felt natural to me and I felt 'normal' when I did it. It was never about sexual gratification or erotic fantasy. At no time did I consciously think to myself that I was a woman in a man's body, but there's always been an underlying dissatisfaction - much suppressed, and perhaps not even consciously acknowledged - at not having a female body.

However in recent times this dissatisfaction has grown in intensity, to the point where I'm having to ask myself serious questions as to who and what I am. I had a realisation that my innate feeling of not ever 'fitting in' in virtually every situation in my entire life was down to the fact that I was trying to play a male role in a male body. This was a major moment for me, and I'm still reeling from it. When I had that realisation it was like I'd finally been given the answer to a puzzle which had been gnawing at my subsconscious for most of my life.

But that realisation brought with it a new uncertainty. I'm wearing women's clothes pretty much 100% of the time at home now (apart from when my son stays over - I haven't told any family or friends about any of this yet), and am taking my first little steps into the outside world as Kerstin. It feels like I'm finally expressing my true inner self and I have an urge to tell everyone, but I've kept silent both out of fear and of confusion.

Is my story similar to anyone else's here? I would really really appreciate some feedback, especially from those who began their journey later in life, although all comments are welcome.

[Inna]

Hi Kerstin, sounds to me like your story had begun way early in your childhood, late in life was your realization and forceful introspect of the denial system there in place since way, way back. You are not alone, in fact, your story resonates with probably at least 3/4 of transgender if not nearly all. We deny our true selves for very obvious reasons, firstly, the body we occupy, secondly the environment pressing for obedience within specific gender-body guidelines. I am so glad yet another person is seeking truth within them selves, but as well, I am sorry you must walk the transgender path, for I don't wish it upon anyone.

Love, Inna

[EnglishRose]

I have to add an AOL-like "me too" on this post. I was 34 when I actually bothered to really question who I was, and merely accepted the default until then. It was false assumptions like "you had to KNOW from your earliest memories" that were stumbling blocks to me later on in my 20s.

[Miranda-E]

Sounds like everyone else. You didn't now the names or terms but it was there from early childhood and you coped as best you could for as long as you could. I've never met a true spontaneous late onset TS.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Your story sounds familiar to lots of folks...your sense of your identity evolves over time...your ability to live outside of your identity can be chipped away over time..

I cannot explain it well, but I never thought i was "one of them" until i was run over with it.. my only guess is that some of us do a great job bottling up ourselves just to make it in life....and although the realization can be very empowering, and dealing with it very rewarding, it is an incredibly brutal thing to go through for you and yours..

If you start to realize that you ARE female, thats different than wanting to dress more and more...wanting to tell everybody is a good hint...the urge is overwhelming because for the first time YOU are YOU...but DONT do it...it is a need to know thing unless you have made major strides in planning out your path...and if you decide to wait a long time, or not go down the path, you'll be very happy you didnt bring it up..

so take your time, think things through...incremental steps can be very helpful..

[Kerstin]

Thanks for your responses so far I'm avoiding putting any labels on myself while I work this thing out. Kaitlyn your advice is good, I will not tell people about this at the moment. I do think I should go and talk to my doctor, because I feel like I absolutely have to talk to someone about this. In fact, if I'm going to be honest with myself, I think I already know the answers to my questions about myself but I'm scared to admit it because I'm scared of the consequences of doing something about it.

[LeaP]

...wanting to tell everybody is a good hint...the urge is overwhelming...

Why? I've been feeling this *desperately*. And it does come up as an urge. I've outed myself to only two people two people to-date, both safe, but the urge to tell is very strong.

Lea

[Sammy777]

You might want to give this current thread a read A-persona-question

[Empress Lainie]

I don't usually visit this forum, mostly safe haven. However, this really hits home with me. After attending a tg meeting on July 2, 2007 to which I was invited by a (t)girl I was trying to date, I reviewed my life when I went home. Lo and Behold! I realized then that I have always been a female person; age 3-10 playing with dolls, stuffed animals, girls at school instead of boys, middle & high school, no group things or sports with boys, (working) grown - never hung out with the guys; didn't like men, hated macho stuff, only comfortable in the company of women. Married had 3 kids, divorced, fell in love with a 26 yr old when I was 49; we love each other dearly forever; never made love, but she lived with me on and off for 11 years; now her young kids call me Aunt Lainie, they also knew me before. So on that day July 2, 2007, at 72, I vowed to never live another day as a "man". I began living as a woman, changed my name and gender marker; lost my job and ex (we were still lovers),gained my SO; another mtf. Never even considered any therapy, had no need for it. Obtained information from the group I attended and the internet.
It was a gradual transition before that date, but unknown or unconscious to me; started wearing wigs in 2000, started painting my fingernails at a salon, in 2005, (blue), started growing my hair long as it didn't "look right" as a man's cut in 1971. Started on phytoestrogens in 2007, but had already been on saw palmetto since 1990; had visible boobs in 1997 looking at an old picture; started hormones with my GP PCP with a simple request in Jan. 2011. Now have full B boobs and a 42-40-42 figure.

I have always been fully accepted due to many feminine aspects of this body; no adams apple, no male brows, slight build, narrow shoulders than most men,absolutely beautiful legs from teen years. In fact my mother said when I was 17 that my legs were too pretty for a boy. I believe I am 47XXY and that is why even my face is feminine enough to pass as a gg.

I couldn't handle my son's behavior because I never had a boy's behavior, I was actually a little girl and acted like it, even though I only had a few times I had an excuse for wearing my sister's clothes. Never even thought about cross dressing before transition.

So its never too late; there was a 76 yr old last year who had SRS in Thailand. My bar is the cost. I also would never wish transbeing on anyone, but for me, I have never been happier,and the journey was easy for me in most respects. I empathize with the members here who have problems some seemingly insurmountable. In
June 2008 a year-long TS friend of 19 yrs old, blew her brains out because her family would not accept her.

[Aprilrain]

Your story is so familiar it's boring! Your first paragraph fit me almost to a T. For me sex factored into my CDing, I guess some of us are just hornier than others! The next step, if you haven't already taken it, is to seek therapy from a therapist versed in gender issues. Like you said you probably already know the answer, a therapist can help you find your truth as long as you're honest with her. I had two distinct periods in my life prior to starting transition that could have been my starting time but as it were it was not meant to be. First in my mid 20s and that would have been a good time for me except I was a bad drunk and druggie, I needed to work that out first. Second time was when I was 30, I was sober then and came pretty close to starting this process but my new found self acceptance was very fragile and it only took a couple of comments from my wife a bad therapist and my own homophobia to send me deeper into the closet than ever before. I have found that my self acceptance waxes and wanes but over time the peaks and valleys even out. It seems like there are 2 age groups that TSes tend to fall into. The first is the late teen/early twenties, theses people probably "always" knew but had to leave their parents homes to start transition. Most are poor though so you won't see to many getting surgery, until latter that is. Then there are the 40 something's. This group tends to have better access to money so probably make up the lions share of surgical transitions. I feel like I'm in a TS desert between these two groups though definety closer to the older crowed in experience and access to money.

[Genifer Teal]

This all started for me as a curiosity. How do women do this or wear that or walk in those shoes. I eventually had to find out for my self. Then I wanted to "show off" what I can do. The attention I got from some women at a party made a lasting impression. I had to dress and go out more - so I did. Many years later, my hair is long, my nails are long and my body is smooth from laser. I spend more time - socially - as Gen than otherwise.

Eventually I came to the conclusion that while I'd rather be a woman, I never felt the need to be one - or that somehow I was but in the wrong body. Living a dual life is not easy. Neither is transitioning. Both have their drawbacks - and benefits. I decided that not transitioning is manageable, and I have a great job, so why risk it all for something I'd rather have but don't need. It is not something I can't live without.

That is my situation.

Gen

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Why? I've been feeling this *desperately*. And it does come up as an urge. I've outed myself to only two people two people to-date, both safe, but the urge to tell is very strong.

Lea

It's just a hint about what's more likely driving the gender issue...especially for people that haven't always thought about being ts..

The need to be known as a female is part of the deal for ts people...

cd's may or may not tell friends based on all kinds of factors...its a personal choice about sharing info..i can't imagine why a crossdresser would feel the "need" to tell somebody about it..

but if you are ts, telling people is one of the first things you can do to express your identity which has been suppressed for your entire life...and so many of us felt the need to tell somebody, and if it goes well, its like a floodgate and you want to tell everybody...

[Kelsy]

...it is a need to know thing unless you have made major strides in planning out your path...and if you decide to wait a long time, or not go down the path, you'll be very happy you didnt bring it up..

so take your time, think things through...incremental steps can be very helpful..

Wise advice! Is there some experience there?

But even with the best of plans and telling only those closest to you there are circumstances that make things difficult. If you tell just one person well then the secret is no longer a secret and how things progress from there may not be in your control.

My advice is if it turns out that you find your direction and you cannot "live" without transitioning then make sure you have a ton of money because without it things will get dicey!

K

[Zoiq]

Is my story similar to anyone else's here? I would really really appreciate some feedback, especially from those who began their journey later in life, although all comments are welcome.

Yup, basically your story matches mine completely....

I've now been full time in everyway for over a year, am legally my new name and correct gender, and in about 3 months having full FFS and a BA.

Not consciously understanding who you are, doesnt mean anything, all I knew was ' something wasnt right '.

Fiona xx

[Kaitlyn Michele]

[QUOTE=Zoiq;2757047

Not consciously understanding who you are, doesnt mean anything, all I knew was ' something wasnt right '.

Fiona xx[/QUOTE]

Excellent way to say it for many of us...this is why INCREMENTALLY attacking the problem can be so valuable so you can make good quality of life decisions that work best for you.

[KellyJameson]

For me it is the experience of my natural energy which could be called temperament not being suited to the body it is in and so the expression is frustrated because it causes confusion, fear and sometimes disgust in those who encounter it (me)

Also my sexuality or lack of it has brought me incredible bafflement and frustration. I'm attracted to women but I'm not and I'm attracted to men but I'm not. The expression of my sexuality is one aspect of this energy. I thought that I was sexually attracted to women but I was attracted to their physical beauty as representative of the ideal I want for myself but I mistook this for sexual attraction and so my body would try to perform but would quickly loose interest because the deeper needs of my mind were not being met.

My closes relationships have been with men because my energy is a perfect match to theirs, not all men of course but I have never felt this with a woman. If I had a vagina I could easily see myself being sexual with a man if I loved him because my energy is receptive but because I do not and need a sense of integrity of form I do not have any interest in sex with a man and the inverse is true with woman, I have the physical capacity but it is mismatched to my energy which is similar to many woman I have met and creates great conflict when the relationship becomes intimate because they do not receive what they want on a psychological level(feel loved) even though they are gratified sexually, their gratification actually causes more problems because they become confused on a subconscious level because they see a man but feel a womans presence. It is easy to be friends with most women but nothing more than that and I connect with certain men on a very deep level and want to be physically close but not sexual because I'm in a male body but most men I want nothing to do with because they are men, what an insane experience.

For me there have been hundreds of indicators, intense interest in seeing movies where men dress as women and society believes they are actual woman ,"Some Like it Hot" " Tootsie" " Switch" I watched Switch with a childhood friend at eight years old and borrowed the DVD taking it home and watching it over and over ( A man dies and is reincarnated as a full grown woman). I think the truth shows itself by what we are attracted to, the difficulty is understanding the deeper reasons and implications for those attractions.

I knew I was not gay but yet I was always drawn to the LGBT world yet I feared it because I did not understand my own sexual confusion but once I realized my subconscious mind thought of itself as a woman everything made perfect sense. I was born predisposed toward feminine energy and than the circumstances of my childhood reinforced it while at the same time teaching my conscious mind contradictory messages.

I was treated like a girl because people responded subconsciously to my energy but told I'm a boy because that was what they would see (more or less because I looked very much like a female boy).

If you think back over your life you will discover the hidden clues that will lead to the truth and afterwards it will seem obvious and you will wonder how you did not see it sooner. Gender Dysporia is a pain in the butt but does have it's interesting sides, I would not have it any other way and strangely feel lucky to have it (even though it has caused me so much grief) because of what I have learned, it is like having a foot in two different worlds where most people are only able to experience one world or the other.

I have never allowed myself to have body hair but at the time did not understand the reason and would just say I wanted to feel "clean" and at the same time I hate having short hair and usually my hair is at least down to my shoulders. All subconscious symbols of wanting to look feminine. Hope my own story helps!

[Kerstin]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to give such awesome responses! I appreciate every single one.

My closes relationships have been with men because my energy is a perfect match to theirs, not all men of course but I have never felt this with a woman. If I had a vagina I could easily see myself being sexual with a man if I loved him because my energy is receptive but because I do not and need a sense of integrity of form I do not have any interest in sex with a man and the inverse is true with woman, I have the physical capacity but it is mismatched to my energy which is similar to many woman I have met and creates great conflict when the relationship becomes intimate because they do not receive what they want on a psychological level(feel loved) even though they are gratified sexually, their gratification actually causes more problems because they become confused on a subconscious level because they see a man but feel a womans presence. It is easy to be friends with most women but nothing more than that and I connect with certain men on a very deep level and want to be physically close but not sexual because I'm in a male body but most men I want nothing to do with because they are men, what an insane experience.

Kelly, this part in particular really struck a chord with me. It's how I've been feeling my whole adult life but have never put it into words.

[Anna M]

The final puzzle piece for me, during the late-night hamster-wheel can't sleep that led to my flash insight, was realizing that I have always identified more strongly with the female characters in the books I read. (I was a major bookworm as a child - it was a way of hiding from the world.) Which is why I always liked Nancy Drew and thought the Hardy Boys were borringgggg! Same for Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret versus Then Again, Maybe I Won't. (Yes, I did the "we must increase our bust" when I read it. Amazing how one can blind oneself to giant neon-sign clues, no?)

More confirmation came last night, when I was dressed en femme, including jewelry. For just one moment, I had this flash of peace, of finally having a feminine outside that matched how I really think of myself deep down inside, of being dressed as I truly am. Two seconds of utter relaxed bliss, before reality came crashing back. *sigh*

[Empress Lainie]

I must take the prize for not knowing until late......REAL LATE....Age 72! After a life review one night after my first tg meeting, I realized..WOW!
I have been a female person all my life, and resolved never to live another day as a pretend man.

[Sally24]

There are commonalities we all share but not everyone has the "typical" girl trapped in a man's body. Many of us have little body disphoria. If you don't hate your male body and if you are not driven to become female you are probably in middle somewhere. I find that I can function fine as long as I get enough female time out and about. I didn't discover that I needed that until I was 50!

Your needs may continue to change and you may discover that indeed you are TS and need to transition in some form. I would advise you to go slow and get some guidance from a professional or two.

[Bree-asaurus]

I didn't know I was transexual from a young age, but I did know a lot of other things.

I knew I didn't know how to be a boy. Being a boy didn't seem to fit right and I was ALWAYS studying other boys and mimicking how they would act. I hated this acting and would be alone as much as possible so I didn't have to pretend.

I crossdressed from a young age. I think with all the repression, it was the only outlet my inner-self could find.

I envied girls. I hated that they were able to be girls and I wasn't.

I knew I was hiding who I really was. I knew I would lose my friends if they found out.

I just didn't know WHAT I was hiding from until I got a reality check a couple years ago and had to face the facts.

[docrobbysherry]

Kerston, I began dressing at age 50. I never had even one thot before then to try on female clothes.

As far as I'm concerned, you're one of those, "Knew from an early age", dressers. Beyond that, I didn't feel I was approaching maturity until age 40! So from my point of view, you're STILL at an "early age"!

[elizabethamy]

I didn't know till 54. I always hated my body, never liked the macho workout culture, never liked the demeaning of women culture of the manly men, never felt that I fit in anywhere except in the arts (where there is a subset of the manly man but far more gay, effeminate, and 'different' men along with zillions of interesting and creative women). Always thought there was something wrong with me. Anxiety, depression, procrastination, all sorts of miseries. Suddenly with a job shock and too much time on my hands, I migrated through a variety of sexual questionings: was I gay, was I bi, what was different about me, was I just bored with my life...then one day at the suggestion of a guy in a chat room who was coming on to me, I put on a pair of panties and it was all over...I was a crossdresser, and I was not gay, and I was no longer interested in *those* kinds of chat rooms...it became about identity instead of sexuality.

So some who have heard this story have said to me: see, you did know all of your life. But all I knew was that I wasn't a perfect "fit" with the most manly of the male culture...and I knew I was unhappy and that something was wrong...was it always there? Would my life have been different if I had put on the panties at 4, 14 or 24 instead of at 54? I'll probably never know. But I think there are a lot of us out here. Some who will never find out. Others who maybe "became" transgendered by the drop in hormones in midlife (my T is not low, by the way, though I kind of had to "come out" to my physician to get it tested).

Kerstin, I share your shock at this having possessed you. I certainly feel that way. And I can't tell you what to do with yourself. I don't know what to do with myself. I know I have an unhappy and frightened wife, two oblivious kids, and am standing on a cliff over an abyss. I don't know what's in that abyss -- a soft paradise of feathery pillows, or more rocks and suffering. The question is whether, and when to jump...for now, I'm doing therapy (yay--could not live without it, literally) and trying to be cautious before I do anything that might destroy the (possibly inauthentic) life I've built these many years...I wish you well.

elizabethamy