The elephant in MY room is starting to make some noise

[Sara Jessica]

Thanks to everyone for the kind words, I really appreciate the thoughts.

...She probably feels that you are being selfish in all that you do and while it is true that we probably are all selfish at some level, it has been obvious that you are trying to find ways to balance things out.

I'd be lying if I didn't think OFTEN about how selfish this whole thing seems. Whether being perfectly content if the entire family took off for several hours which gives me some quiet time at home to the changes made to my appearance, a lot of this seems selfish on the surface. But then shouldn't we look at the alternative? What becomes of our psyche if we bury this aspect of our being? What happens if we have no mode of expression? Will that affect our relations with others? In my case, unfortunately it can do just that. I get cranky if I cannot get out & about at least every two weeks or so. One thing that has changed though is my home crankiness has been diminished by my appearance changes. It's like the clothes, and certainly the makeup, becomes less necessary because I feel closer to my true self in my daily expression, if that makes any sense.

Counseling is such an obvious option, one that I didn't even remotely consider in the heat of the moment. We haven't gone there before, thank you for bringing it up. Sometimes stating the obvious can be such a good thing when one is blinded to most of what is around them.

I can really see both sides of this. My understanding of gender is different than your wife's (I believe there exists non-binary gender), but I can understand a wife who believes there are men, women, and nothing in between. To such a wife any cross-gender expression is incomprehensible and further, it is distasteful. Or, if you are in the binary (if you are TS and will never truly be happy unless you eradicate your male self), then I can see the push-pull between the two of you and I can certainly understand your wife's denial as she attempts to preserve the status quo with a husband that she loves.

I believe in gender fluidity, that the proof lies in something as simple as the membership of these pages.

It's society that has constructed the binary, for better or for worse. And I think that most people can get their heads around some variation of black & white (as in, some men are more manly than others, some women come across as being more feminine than others) but to travel too far from the binary leads to the outlier territory which is apparently where I reside. Regardless, I too accept the general premise of a gender binary and have often said that I was simply drafted to the wrong team. And don't get me wrong, I harbor absolutely no resentment towards my wife because she struggles with this. It stinks for her, it stinks for many SO's out there. I cannot blame her in the least bit for trying to preserve the status quo.

She has seen Sara emerge bit by bit, first with a few items of clothing, then outings combined with body shaving, eyebrow plucking, nail growing and polishing, long hair, (and also from your past posts increasing hip and butt size), plus an ever increasing accumulation of clothing and accessories. She might have reluctantly been OK with all of this as long as your things were "impermanently" scattered around the house in tote bags, as if this was a phase that might eventually subside. But, a clothes closet that is dedicated to Sara lends an air of permanence and it is as serious to your wife, I'm guessing, as if you were deciding to begin taking hormones.

Very insightful, and yes, I think you are right.

Still. She should allow for adequate storage of clothing. It really is just clothing storage in a house that you both share, and it will not change anything. But, you need to be crystal clear with her right now about your ultimate goals. This business of bit-by-bit growth, and your wife also noticing your ever increasing need (and sheer joy) in expressing Sara, is torture to her, as I'm sure it is for you as long as there is an elephant in the room. Hiding an elephant is stressful both for the person hiding it, and the person who tries hard not to see it.

In other words, it is not about the new closet for your stuff, it is about where this is all heading.

This is exactly where I'm going the next time we talk.

I have shared with many others, both IRL and in these pages, my commitment to stay on this middle path. Sometimes it's those conversations with friends, many of whom are like-minded people (others of the TG persuasion who are also balancing family & career in the face of whatever TG issues that are present) go far to give me strength.

Yes, from her POV I am on that proverbial slippery slope. She has no idea what next week, next month, or next year might bring. Heck, neither do I. But the fact remains that I am committed to staying on this path. The reason this is lost upon her? It's really quite simple, a lack of communication when it comes to this huge elephant in our relationship.

I need to express to her where I see this whole thing going. I need to reassure her.

If you can honestly say that you also have a male identity that YOU do not wish to eradicate (as opposed to saying you are attempting to maintain a balance out of your love for her), then TELL HER this in order to ease her fears. She's not interested in hearing that you are holding yourself back for her. She wants to know that you are not moving forward for YOU. If you cannot do this, then it might be best for the two of you to part company sooner than later. It's damn hard starting a life over, the closer one gets to retirement.

Wow, that's a tough one to answer.

I think she knows too well that I would eradicate the male in a heartbeat. I don't think she's too concerned about my reasons not to do so, whether it be for her, my children, whatever it might be. Just like when she says "please cut your hair, even if only for me". She'd be all good with me NOT doing these things, regardless of the motivation.

At the end of the day, I cannot say anything but the fact that I am trying to maintain balance for her, for my family. What I can say is that I have known joy in doing so despite where things are right now. But it's not like there is a right or wrong answer here. Choosing to transition could lead to fulfillment beyond my wildest dreams, but it very well could be the equivalent of trading one set of issues for another. My choice at this moment is predicated upon not risking my family.


By the way...Raquel, your post is wonderful and unique in it's perspective. I will try to address it within the next day or two.