My coming out story

[Thornton]

Hey. For those of you who do not have access to the young members section and so do you already know. I came out to my parents last week. This is the story from that. It's kind of long, I hope you don't mind. I just wanna get it out there...

So last Tuesday, I came out to my parents.

It started out around 7pm. My dad calls me in (using my female name) to my parents' bedroom, and they're both sitting on the bed. "You said you had some thing to tell us?..." He starts. "Uh...yeah..." I respond. "So, Dad, remember how you asked me the other day 'are these my boxers or yours?'"...

Man, this story's hard to type.

I basically set up with all these hints of my past the revealed my masculinity; how I always dress in men's clothing, how I've changed my hair, how I've always hated girly toys and dresses and pink things as a child, etc. etc. I kept laying down all this evidence til my dad goes, "So, what's your point?" "......My point.....is....that...my whole life, I've wanted to be a boy. I was born wrong. I've always wanted to be a boy, and now, I'm taking the steps to make that happen."

My mom cuts in, "Not in my house." So solemnly, so...coldly. And with those words, she begins her 30-40ish minute rant and my emotional torture...

...Since this story is too depressing for me to return to, I'm going to approach it impersonally and just give you the gist of that half hour conversation...

It wasn't really a conversation. My mom just yelled they whole way thru and yelled even louder and faster when I tried to speak in defense. My dad just sat there, staring at the carpet...

In no particular order, the main points from my mom were:

1) This is a huge blow
2) She does not approve and will not fund any part of my process ( I told her I didn't expect her to, and to my confusion, she even got angry that I didn't expect her to...)
3) She's very upset and it's very selfish of me to tell her this.
4) I'm selfish (This was emphasized alot), and since I can't afford hormones or surgery til I'm older and out of the house, why did I even bother telling her?
5) I should've never told her
6) I should forget this and focus on my schoolwork (My schoolwork is completely unaffected by this. I'm graduating in the top 5% of my class, and she knows this, but I guess it's not enough)
7) I'm making my life harder for no reason
8) It would be less disappointing/disgusting if I we're simply gay.
9) When I told her I was graduating in Black robes (Boy's robes at my school, as opposed to red robes for girls), she said she would not attend my graduation. She was not going to take pictures with some freak
10) I'm too young to know what I want
11) If my friends and teachers are so supportive, why don't they pay for my food, shelter, medical care? No one out there cares about me. I'm nothing to everyone else. She's the only one that cares and I let her down, I'm a disappointment. (Selfishness came in again at this point...it was pretty much hanging there over everything)
12)It's a sin, what I want to do. She doesn't care that I'm atheist, it's still a sin. I'll go to hell.
13) By coming out of the closet, I'm pushing her into the closet.
14) I'm sick.
15) She's ashamed of me now.
16) I'll never be a man.
17) I'll never be her son.

If there was anything else, I must have blocked it out or repressed it by now.... The whole thing was a blur I spent trying not to cry ("Boys don't cry, boy's don't cry", I chanted over and over in my head) ....It was all too much, and every minute just got worse and worse...

Finally, my mom just got too fed up with me and ended her rant. Weakly, I asked my dad if he had anything to say. (He hadn't said anything that whole time. He asked me at one point who I was attracted to. I said "Females". He went back to staring at the carpet.) He said he basically agreed with my mom....So that was the end of that. I walked out of the room, still trying not to cry. They kept trying to call me back, calling my birth name over and over. As I walked down the stairs, I told them, "It's Spencer". And walked out of the house.

I stood outside my house at the street intersection. North, South, East, West; I had no idea where I wanted to go, I just needed to get out, I just needed to get away. I didn't dare go near my car, I knew I would try to crash into something and kill myself.

I just walked. It was evening at that point, it would be dark soon, but I didn't care. It's girls that should be afraid to be alone at night, and I was not a girl. I never was. I walked down back roads, my headphones blaring the most emotion-drawing music I had and blocking out the outside world. A song came on that I thought was ironically perfect for the moment; "What a Shame" by Shinedown. If you listen to the song(http://free.napster.com/view/album/i...ml?id=12856437) or read the lyrics (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/shine...hatashame.html), I swear, it was written for a gay man or transman.

I walked down back roads, still trying not to cry. A couple tears here and there would break out, and that would make me feel even worse about myself. "I'm not crying", I told myself. "I'm not crying. My nose is bleeding. I got in a fight, 'cause that's what guys do sometimes. I got in a fight. I got punched hard on the nose, and now my nose is bleeding. I'm not crying. I have a bloody nose." I said this to myself and I believed it. I clung to it. It may not have been technically true, but metaphorically...

I ended up walking to my nearby Junior High school. The one I went to five years ago. The one where I saw "Her" and had my first crush on a girl and really started to accept that I was just not going to be an average heterosexual girl like everyone expected. And I sat on the swings, near the tree where "She" waved to me (yes, me) once while I was sitting alone, and I almost died, I was so excited. The tree she returned to meet me at which resulted in her becoming my very close friend at that time, even though I wanted to be something else entirely to her.

I sat on the swing set as the sun was setting over the world around me. I had brought my razor blade with me. I was determined to use it, anywhere and everywhere on me. Maybe I would bleed to death, maybe I would pass out, maybe I would just ruin my hoodie. I didn't care. I brought it because I wanted to bleed. I wanted the release. But by the time I got to the swing set, I was too exhausted, emotionally spent, to do anything. I couldn't even cry anymore. So, I just sat on the swing. Silent and still as a statue. Watching the cars go by.

Eventually, It got to be very dark, almost no light left. I decided to walk back. Sitting alone at night in a dark, public area, hood up hiding my face; I probably looked like I was waiting for a drug deal or something. I didn't feel like talking to cops. I walked back home...or just the house where I was raised and was a good kid just yesterday.

That night, I came to the conclusion that love does not exist. It's all just debt. Everyone is just in varying degrees of debt to everyone else, for varying sacrifices others have made for them, and in my case with my mom, my debt is literally about money. Feelings do not matter. They're essentially worthless when not taken advantage of by the media to turn a profit. Feelings don't put food in your stomach or a roof over your head. Money does. Production does. Feelings just complicate things. Forget the Pursuit of Happiness. Just survive and die.

When I got back, it was dark. I went to my room, the room my mom painted and carpeted pink when we moved in because she wanted the perfect little girl's room, even though her "little girl" at the time was begging for blue walls and a race car bed....I got in my bed and just slept, my pastime for the rest of that week.

So, that was my coming out story. I hope you enjoyed it. Sorry for the length.

[AllieSF]

Thank you so much for such a vivid depiction of your pain and sorrow as you tried to set your life in order starting with those closest to you. I have not "been there and done that". So, I cannot offer any detailed comments or suggestions from that point of view. However, I have been around for a lot of years, I read a lot and try to listen as much as a "normal" male can. From all that and what I have read here on this site, I feel that I can offer you some advice/recommendations, that will probably be very similar to that which others here may offer to you.

First of all, you came out to your parents, so for the first time they clearly know, but probably do not understand what you have been trying to deal with all of your life. It is obvious it was a very big shock for them, even if you tried to leave them some clues beforehand. Therefore, just like when a MtoF comes out to their SO, your parents will need some time to come to grips with what you have told them and then try to understand it. From your Mom's initial reaction, it appears that for her it may take quite awhile. For your Dad, that may or may not be the case. Maybe your Mom has a lot of control in theh family and Dad will just follow her lead, at least publicly and in front of you, and maybe not. Watch for signs and try to talk to him one on one when ever possible, just go slow.

Recommendations: Yeah I could probably write a lot of them, but maybe just a few for now. Have patience and do not lose your cool with them, and try to not be "in your face" with them about who you are. To me that shows that you will not lower yourself to the ranting and not-understanding level that your Mom has shown (IMO). Be consistent in your message, continue loving them as best that you can (assuming that they have been good parents before this new news), get some good counseling from a gender specialist (check with your school, or local city, county, state, provincial social services for recommendations and maybe even some free or low cost support), and get some reading material that explains what is going on with you (again social services may be a good resource for some info, plus you have the worldwide web to assist you) Just remember that they may need to read about all this in different formats from different sources, so that they have a better chance to understand it all.

I do wish you the best of luck. On the very positive side, you have come out to your family at a young age and that is in your long term best interests. You have all the future to look forwqard to and this unpleasant experience, will later on in life be just a short period of suffering, unless you let it stay with you and eat away at your overall well being.

A very big hug to you, a very intelligent and brave person who is definitely doing the right thing at the right time.

PS: You can PM me at any time if you need an "old" ear to listen to you.

[TG-Taru]

Hang in there

Your mom, especially, had her fantasy dream princess smashed. I hope alot of what she said was just lashing out in pain and not the final sentiment and opinion. You need to get across at least that you're not trying to hurt them, but trying to survive, that you're not a doll but you, needing to be true to yourself to not suffer. Write them a letter, if talking to them isn't working at the moment? Try not to accuse them, but remind them you're the same person you always were. Still their child if not their daughter.

Enjoyed it? No, I don't enjoy seeing others suffer. Still it's good to hear, good you've told it. I Hope things will get better for you.

[4serrus]

There's not an emoticon for it but I'm offering you a manly shoulder-grab of support over here. :P Hang in there, mate.

I'm sorry your parents didn't take it well. When I came out (as Pagan) to my mom it was a similar stream of... yeah. I'll never be able to come out to them as bi, or transgender, since they died in 06. Sometimes I wonder how it would have gone.

I don't know anything about you or your parents, but I don't think they don't love you. They're just reacting strongly and poorly to something they don't understand. Maybe your mom is deeply religious? That's tough. I'd suggest working on your dad first... alone. He seems a lot more sympathetic.

[April Simmons]

Dear Thorton,

What a big first step but everyone here understands the pain you have gone through and we are all on your side.

You clearly know who you are and that is a great start. You are very brave.

Hugs,

April

[mklinden2010]

Great post. I'm very glad it ended with you going home in one piece. Get your rest. Somehow, you probably know you're going to need a lot of energy moving forward. Smart.

Big step for one so young and dependent. Maybe too big, but... you won't have to do this again later. So, maybe it's a "better now than later" kind of thing.

OK, so now in practical terms you may need to fudge things a bit to get along while everyone gets used to change. Like, "Well, gee, maybe I'm "just" gay..." Like you said, that may be easier than what you're proposing, and, who knows, maybe that is "the truth."

Time will tell. And, at your age, you have lots of it. Good.

Meanwhile, try the guy thing where it's not too bothersome. Go hunting, go midget car racing, drink some beers, chase the girls. Life is an educational experience and as you get more experience with everything, you may make some different choices that may make the future smoother - in time.

Your Mom, your parents sound very controlling. On the other hand, things do cost money and this may be more on their mind more than yours. Apartments cost, college costs, going out costs, clothes cost - and, you take a hit in the workplace for being different. Call it the "Non-conforming" tax. But, if it's worth it to you, it will be a boon to some employer eventually.

I won't get much into their hopes for things you haven't worked out yet, like they're wanting a particular kind of mate for you, a particular kind of marriage, a particular kind of future with particular kinds of grandkids, etc. And, they have their friends, family, neighbors, etc. to deal with in all this. So, they have a lot on their plate to deal with all of a sudden. That they may have missed prior clues, or, tried not to see them, doesn't mean they aren't grappling with how to work this all out for you, them, and everybody.

Meanwhile, you're somewhat lucky, "the times they are a changing" - in your favor when it comes to sex and gender. That aside, like most folks, you take some hits when you pick a direction in life. (You're gonna be a lawyer? A lawyer! Yuck...) Eventually, most of the complaints die down. Give some weight to your parents' concerns and points of view and try to get along in life. Growing pains, we all have them - even your parents - all our lives.

And, boys and men do cry. Cry when you need to and don't worry about it. Lower your "guy" standards a bit and do what YOU need to do. As a guy, I can tell you, we're not all that different. I can wear a dress, you can wear pants, we're all still human beings.

Good luck and good living.

[Ze]

Damn.

I saw the title and I thought, "Oh good! A little sunshine in Thorton's life." But then I read it and, yeah...

I'm really sorry to hear about this, buddy. I'm not quite sure what to say other than I think deep down they really do love you. Otherwise, your mom especially wouldn't have freaked so much. I don't think she can understand how somebody she loves so much could be somebody like "that." It probably goes against all of her upbringing, all of her beliefs, all of the brainwashing propaganda she's been fed through the media.

By blaming you, and also making it sound like you have some sort of choice in the matter, she's trying to convince herself that this isn't true. A lot of her comments also make me think that there was definitely initial shock along with what others said were the "shattered dreams" of seeing a daughter in a wedding dress, having a family with Prince Charming, etc. So, I think it's in part a selfishness and worry over her own needs and place in society while simultaneously concerned over your well-being.

This is one of the main reasons I've held off telling my mom about myself. Out of three siblings, I'm the only genetic girl. Despite all of my talk of never getting married or physically having children (since I've been very little; all of the signs have been there), I know she still holds to the dream that I'll one day "change my mind." If she knew more about my reasons, I fear she'd flip much like your own mom.

Oddly enough, I'm writing this post in my own hometown room of pink walls and carpet. There's even still friggin' white lace around the window's perimeter. The quilt has some pinkish flowers on it. I'm 21, and yet no matter what little hints I drop to her, she returns the favor by odd comments of denial and hypothetical situations.

I believe your mom's reaction was very much like this; the strongest form of denial and resistance yet. You flat-out told her this time, so she simply had to push back just as hard for her own comfort and sanity.

I really hope that, with time, she starts to think this over and slowly accept it as just something she can't control; that you're still the same person. Either way, let me know whenever you want to talk, eh?

[DanielMacBride]

Wow, Thornton....your story brought back some painful memories of when I came out to my parents - they pretty much both reacted the way your mother did. I agree with what Ze said about where your mother is at with all of this, and her motivations - it's not an uncommon place for parents to come from unfortunately, and in some cases the parents are more concerned about how you not being the child they have built you up to be will affect how they look to others, than about whether you are okay or anything else. Your mother is being very selfish and manipulative in trying to hold the money situation and "not in my house" over your head and blaming you for being "selfish" - it's obvious she has no real understanding of what we go through (and how can she, when her gender and her body match, and she was raised to believe that anything that isn't cisgendered and binary oriented is wrong?)

I don't really know what advice to give you, but I'm glad you came home in one piece and all I can suggest is that if your mother is going to pull that angle, maybe you do need to get out on your own and do what you need to do without her interference and attempts at sabotage. And I can echo the support - if you need an ear, I'm around too

[SirTrey]

Wow, Thornton....I wonder if your mother and MY mother are friends? I say that because many of the things that your mother said are exactly the same things that MY mother said....Only My mother took it one step further and actually kicked Me out of the family....I haven't seen one member of My family in a year....Not My mother, grandmother, siblings, aunts, cousins, no one....She convinced them all that I am doing something "to the family" and that, sadly, I had to go.....I haven't been to a family event, haven't gotten even a phone call from any of them....and, when they found out that I was going to be at MY granddaughter's birthday party (held at My daughter's house, not theirs)....they decided not to come....They actually allowed their distaste for My transition to over-ride the feelings of a five year old....I tried going the information route before being exiled, ie: giving My mom articles to read, etc....showing her the latest medical research into transgenderism/transsexualism....and I would advise you to do the same....Try it, it just might work with her....Just because it didn't with My mother doesn't mean that it won't with her....Ultimately, transitioning sometimes does cost you a good chunk of your prior life, family included....and only you know if you can pay that price and live with it...For Me, I am happier with Myself than I have ever been, and I have the right to be comfortable in My own skin....Her reaction was very harsh, but you need to give them time to get over the shock and see what they do, ultimately....People do sometimes come around.....I would recommend a book called "Wrapped In Blue" by Donna Rose....It's about an MtF, not an FtM, but it's one of the best books I have read that gets to the heart of what it feels like and what it IS like to be a transsexual....Read it yourself, then let your parents read it....I thought it was fantastic to use as a tool when just explaining trans yourself isn't helping....Anyway....So sorry to hear all of this....I know how you feel, dude....

[Seamus_Jameson]

Spencer,

I am nearly in tears. You are so, so, so, so brave. You needed and deserved your parents support. Upset or not, they needed to listen to you. I'm sorry you didn't get that. I've listened to "What a Shame" about five times now. You are right. It's poignant and written for the transman. I wish I could be there to support you in person. I'm sure we all do.

Your story reminds me a far too many, similar encounters with my own parents--my angry mother, my silent, condemning father. One of the reasons I haven't told them about being trans. You are a hero. You needed their approval and reached for it. That took real courage. I can only say, I hope they come around with time. But it may take years. My husband shared something sobering with me after my mother decided to disown me. He said, parents sometimes become so sure of what they know about their children, they will make up false realities to hide behind and NEVER face the truth. No matter how much it rips you up inside, you may have to deal with their denial forever. Love and respect them anyway.

And, as one of the others already mentioned, consider leaving home as soon as financially/emotionally feasible.

Other than a reminder that carrying a concealed weapon without permit is illegal, I'm glad you had your razor with you. I know how much comfort my hunting knives have been to me. All I can say is stick to the thighs. Don't cut the arms, because it will show (it will upset your parents even more, it won't make them sympathetic) and please, please, please not your wrists or neck. I know we all have those fantasies of dying, where our parents say, "Oh God, I'm so sorry I treated him this way. If only I'd known. . ." The truth, of course, is that they would deny the reason for your death as much as they denied your coming out.

Keep an open door of communication. Keep talking to them and be sure to listen, especially to the things they don't say. Make arrangements with a friend, in case your mother makes good on her eviction threat.

You are not selfish. I can understand (maybe) why your mother said so, but it's not true. You are being true to yourself and that is very selfless. It gives others the courage to do the same. And by telling your parents, you are sharing that generosity with them. They can take it, treasure it, and grow from it or they can reject it. You aren't selfish for offering it.

That night, I came to the conclusion that love does not exist. It's all just debt. Everyone is just in varying degrees of debt to everyone else, for varying sacrifices others have made for them, and in my case with my mom, my debt is literally about money. Feelings do not matter. They're essentially worthless when not taken advantage of by the media to turn a profit. Feelings don't put food in your stomach or a roof over your head. Money does. Production does. Feelings just complicate things. Forget the Pursuit of Happiness. Just survive and die.

I hate to be a pain in the ass, but that's not true. Or rather, it is true, in a limited and capitalistic sense. Someday, God willing, you will meet somebody who will treasure you and stand by you no matter what. Until I met my husband, I didn't believe love existed. He's changed my mind on that, as on so many other things. There is a girl somewhere tonight, every bit as lonely as you, needing someone just as much as you. I pray God will bring the two of you together soon. Socialist love, as Jesus preached, self sacrificing and unconditional, does exist, even if it is very rare.

Hang in there, Spencer. You have friends. Even if your parents never come around, the pain of rejection will lessen in time.

Hugs,
Seamus

P.S. No matter what some people might say, "Boys don't cry" is a wonderful mantra for remaining emotionally strong when you need it. Even before realizing I was trans I used it during painful confrontations with my parents. It helps. Plenty of time to grieve later, when you are alone.

[Alana65]

Dear Thornton,

Wow !!! I don't know what to say other than I wish you all the best, and I sincerely hope that your parents open-up and be more understanding of your situation.
I can't imagine how I would feel if that happened to me. &

Alana

[Stlalice]

Sent you a PM - Hang in there brother - no matter what direction we are going we are all one community. In that spirit I'll add this piece that a friend sent me when times were hard for me...

An Irish Friendship Wish

May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

[Felix]

Hi Thornton and we (myself and my partner Helen who is on this board) read your story and was moved almost to the point of tears. It left us both sitting in silence with little to say because of the impact on us both. We have listened to many stories like yours and every time we feel the pain and sadness that it leaves upon those who go through it.

We agree with most of what has been written here and in all honesty can't add much more. From my perspective I have always lived on the back of conditional love focused around money and what has been done for me so like you in some respects I had to break the mold when I was 18 and I left home to become my own person. I have struggled to keep my own identity all my life but being away from home is what has enabled me to be the individual I have become today. I love my family dearly but when all said and done I have to be selfish where this is concerned and do what I have to do to become the man I should have always been.

Like you the clues have always been there for my parents and my dad always knew. But like your parents denial has played a huge part in the scenario which I am in today concerning my parents. They both love me I know that but it isn't always enough unfortunately.

Anyways Hun good luck with everything, you are young and you have told your parents at a good time coz time is on your side which is way important. If you ever need an ear feel free to pm me any time xx Felix

[LisaM]

Thornton,

What an emotional story. My heart goes out to you.

I would not give up on your parents yet and I wouldn't give up on love either. Give your parents some time to learn more about this condition. They may or may not come around.

It takes time for parents to emotionally release themselves from their children. They have hopes and dreams for their children that they are emotionally invested in. It is hard enough for them to let them go for 'traditional' reasons. Your 'coming out' was a double shock to them--their dreams and hopes are cancelled and they don't have any idea of how to deal with the TS condition.

I can't imagine a parent not coming around (although I know it happens frequently). Give them some time and find ways for them to learn more.

I will be thinking of you. I wish I had 'come out' when I was your age--you did the right thing.

[ReineD]

Thornton, my heart is breaking for you right now. I can only imagine the pain you are going through. But, for your own sake, for your own happiness, please consider what I am about to tell you, which is insight into why your mom reacted the way she did.

I'm an active member here and I'm also a mom of 3 sons, 24, 20, & 15. If one of my sons were to come out to me as M2F I would support her unconditionally. At the very core of my being, I believe that we all should not only be, but celebrate who we are. None of us can be happy not being true to ourselves in order to satisfy someone else's vision of who they think we are.

Still, I'm not saying it wouldn't be a shock. It would probably take me as long to think of my son as a woman as I've known him to be a boy. I'm not saying I wouldn't be scared. My SO is a CD, I hang out here all the time and I know the challenges faced by transpersons. We live in a homo/transphobic world and life can be cruel for people who are different. As a mom, my life was profoundly altered 24 years ago to revolve around my boys, caring for them, protecting them, raising them, teaching them, trying to prepare them to fly on their own, and hoping that when they do, they will be prepared and the world will be a safe place for them to be. It is hard to turn this off.

Just as it is a child's job to develop wings of his own and fly, it is a mom's job to learn to let the child go, even if she is afraid. Having done both myself, I can tell you that it is much harder to let go than to learn how to fly. And it is much easier letting a child go if the sky is blue and devoid of threats than if you think there are vultures circling on the horizon.

Your mom should not have spewed all her fears on you. Ideally she would have listened to what you had to say, she would have asked you questions, she would have told you she loves you, and she would have told you she needed some time to absorb all of this. Then she would have let all her fears come to the surface with your dad once you left the room. But she is human and humans make mistakes, especially when they are faced with something they do not know.

I know this sounds trite, but both your parents love you more than you can imagine right now. It is not true that life is all about debt. Indebtedness can appear to eclipse love, but so can fear. If you can understand this, and continue to be strong in who you are, be patient, and show your parents that you are the same person you always were, I am sure they will come around eventually. They will never, ever stop loving you.

I love Shinedown and ironically, another song of theirs "Simple Man" (which I particularly love, even better than Lynyrd Skynyrd's) is what every parent wants for their kids, even yours. But, the beginning lines of the song that was going through your head yesterday are the best of all:

"I saw a side of him he never showed
Full of sympathy for a world that wouldn't let him be"

Please try to feel compassion for your parents, give them time to adjust, and continue to love them even if it takes them awhile. You will be off to college (?) next fall and lots of things will change between you and your parents in the next 4 years.

[LisaM]

ReineD,

You said what I wanted to say much more eloquently than I attempted to---thank you.

[Stlalice]

I think that ReineD has said it better than most would. In the past I have always advocated giving people - particularly family - as much time as they need to come to terms with our coming out. For them it is like a death in the family and having your place taken by a stranger. It will take time - lots of it - for them to adjust as they go through what amounts to a period of mourning for their "lost" child. Many parents take a long time to accept the change and some never do. In any case all that you can do is let them know that you love them, keep the lines of communication open and that you will be there for them. Then move on with your life as you need to. Hang in there and remember that you are not alone.

[Thornton]

Hello all of you.

So, I have not posted anything in regards to this in a while. And I haven't because honestly, I've been afraid to return to this story. It happened, and it was a lot to bear, and I'm not exactly eager to return to it again. I appreciate all your kind words and your invites to PMs, but...I just don't want to talk about it. I haven't talked about it. My initial post at the start of this thread is to date the most I have talked about it. In the last days of school, I got a lot of this from friends and teachers:

"Hey, Spence. Did you come out to your parents yet?"
"Yeah."
"How'd it go?"
"Bad."
"Aww, man. Do you wanna talk about it?"
"No."

Yeah. Bad. No.

I don't want to talk about it, because I just can't accurately describe how I feel. And I don't want to relive that pain again. And I don't want to possibly break down.

Sometimes, I'll feel completely detached from it all. As if my coming out and my entire story are just some movie I watched and remember very vividly. I won't feel anything, sad or happy.

Other times, I'll just get depressed. And when that happens, just living becomes so exhausting. I'll hate everyone around me, lucky enough not to have gender identity complications, and not want to talk, or move, or breathe. And I'll sleep a lot, in attempts to run away.

That's pretty much how I've felt after all this. Passive or Depressed.

...Since I've come out, life has pretty much carried on in my house the way it always has. Most of the time, it's as if I never said anything. And this doesn't shock me, because no one in my house talks to anyone about personal matters, ever. But it's obvious they haven't forgotten.

I graduated from High School last Saturday. I graduated in Black robes, boy's robes, and surprise surprise, the sky did not fall. No one's graduation was ruined. I was just another black hat in a sea of 900+ black and red hats on the football field. I was called, I walked, I shook a lot of hands, I sat back down with my diploma. No complaints, no one thought twice. Besides, with so many kids graduating, no one was paying too much attention to any kid that wasn't their own.

But, true to her word, my mom did not show. My dad did, and he was proud, I guess, but didn't show it. He took a couple pictures of me, but didn't take any with me. It was rather anticlimactic, certainly not the joyous celebration my older GM brother got three years ago...

After graduation was...interesting. Just like after my older brother's graduation three years ago, it was set that my Dad would take my older brother (21) my younger brother (16) and I out to dinner to celebrate my achievement. I was dressed in Men's clothing, since that is all I own now, and because of my achievement, on that day I chose to wear a dress shirt and tie, dress pants and shoes. I thought I looked damn good. But my dad thought otherwise. He told me to take off my tie and change my shirt....I didn't want to. The only other clothes I own are jeans and rock t-shirts, and I wanted to at least respect my own graduation by dressing up. I refused to change and asked him why I should. He said he was not going with me looking like a guy. The waitress at the restaurant knows him, and he didn't wanna be seen with me looking the way I was. I told him I'm not changing. It's my day, not his, and I'll do it my way, not his. He said he was not going with three guys, so, I told him to go with two. He did.
My family went out and celebrated my graduation, without me. I went out to a local Uno's alone.

It felt just so absurd.

A couple days later, My dad told me he wanted to talk to me. Now don't get your hopes up, people. I know a couple of you out there think he might be the more understanding parent, but no. He's right with my mom on this (they agree on something, for once.) He just talks a lot less than my mom does. I was able to have a conversation with him, unlike with my mom present, but nothing good came out of it. My dad went into the conversation not trying to understand me, but trying to change my mind....it was...annoying. He treated this like some horrible youthful phase I need help growing out of. He admitted he knew nothing about transpeople, but at the same time, tried to tell me what "people in my situation do"...He even at one point told me I should go back into the closet. Just be trans in my house, in my room, to myself, as if this were some sort of little hobby....I ended up teaching him exactly what "people in my situation do". And I realized what is common knowledge to me is completely foreign to him. The entire conversation was him trying to trip me up, and me effortlessly countering all his arguments, since I have considered all of them and more, over and over, since I first understood what gender was as a little kid.

Eventually, he gave up. He said he didn't understand me, and wasn't ever going to. He said if I'm going to make this change, why don't I make a "complete change". He said I might as well change my last name while I'm at it and move to a different state. (I live in Massachusetts. For you non-americans, this state is about is queer-friendly as this country gets)...

So, my dad wants nothing to do with me. Once I start physically changing, I'm pretty much out of the family.

And how does this feel? It feels bad. Do I want to talk about it? Once again, no. But, thank you for reading.

[LisaM]

I know you don't want to talk about it but understand that I will be thinking if you and sending my best.

[Wolfie]

*hugs Thornton

[DanielMacBride]

Oh, dude, I am SO sorry to read that things are worse....I understand you not wanting to talk about it (I get the same way) - just know that you have a lot of support here from others who have been through similar situations.

I have no words....just

[Seamus_Jameson]

I was feeling quite depressed already, now I'm positively suicidal. Congratulations on your graduation. That was a big accomplishment, even if it probably seemed like the loneliest night of your life. Do whatever is necessary to stay sane. Respect your need for privacy but don't wait until you really need support to look for it. I'm sure you have plans for your future, focus on them and stick to them, even when it seems like, "what's the point?".

Atheist or no, I'm praying for you. *hugs*

[4serrus]

**** 'em and **** the world. get angry and hit something.

I don't pray, but you'll be in my thoughts.

[Ze]

Stay strong, bud. It seems hopeless now, but it'll get better (either your parents will see their ways or you'll find a way to struggle through until you can move out of there). I hope things perk up soon.

[ZenFrost]

Your story is so heartbreaking I don't even know what to say. I just hope you can find a way through this, and know we're here for you.