Telling family and friends

[LaurenS.]

Hi,
I'm planning on transitioning soon and obviously need to tell my family and friends. I've been thinking about writing a letter explaining what's happening in my life. I don't know if that would be the best way or if I should meet inidividually with each of them. I'm not talking immediate family but cousins also.
Am I not thinking of what problems this could cause, if any? Has anyone done anything like this? I worry about people finding out by word of mouth and how stories get told. I guess I can't prevent that but thought this way might help.
Thanks for any thoughts.
Lauren:)

[Jena11]

What I did was I first told my closest friends and over time I then went on to more people. I do not really have much family but I did send my mom a very long e-mail just trying to explain so she might understand a little. I do not have any other family except for my exwife and her family, I have always been close with her younger brother and his wife. I am also close to some of her cousins and one of her aunt & Uncle's. I moved a few times and have lived out of state for quite sometime so I do not really see any of them much at all. I sent my exwife and e-mail and asked her if she could get past it and accept me and what should I do about her brother and his wife because they have been trying to get me to go on vacation with them. I left the choice to her I did not want to loose her or them but she is still hurt and does not want anyone in her family to know. She did tell her brother and said that it was up to him if he wanted to still be friends but she did not want me to have any contact with her family at all. I just said thanks and goodbye. I still hurts because it was just a short time ago, but it is really there loss. I have close friends that are very supportive of me and I just will go on. I have told some people in person but it was very difficult and It seemed way more stressful. It was easier for me to just tell them in writing and offer to answer any questions or share more if they wanted to know. It has just completely enhanced my relationships and made them grow stronger and more open. I am sure that I may loose some others in my life but if they can not accept me for who I am I just have to go on. It is most difficult with my mom, she is trying the relgion thing sometimes trying to send me to a cathloc priest. We never went to church much and usually was not a cathloc one. I have offered a couple of times to share more but she just advoids it. When I saw her last she only said one thing and that was about my hair being in a ponytail. She waited until it was just us and my friend was not there. The last time I talked to her on the phone she asked about where I was the night before and I told her I was getting my hair cut. She asked if I was still trying to grow it out and I said yes just getting trimmed so that It stays nice. Best of luck with telling others, The first few people were the hardest but now I can just tell someone when I need to. Jen

[pruella]

I just turned to my wife one Friday night and said "Honey can you help me with makeup tomorrow night, and I'm borrowing your chiffon skirt. Also what kind of heels should I try and buy?"

There are so many ways you can go about this.

Maybe you should start with the person you are mot confident will accept. Kinda like 'testing out your approach'

Recently my wife 'came out' at her work place telling two of her manages, ready for this her words: "My huband wears womens clothes"

I freaked. I had to RE-EDUCATE her - even though she's had TS friend from before we met. She went back and explained things a bit better.

Don't focus on the 'visual' elements these are societies 'norms' anyway. Focus on "I'm a woman, I've been feeling bad and wrong for years, I know this might be a shock, but I can't pretent to be what people expect a male to be, I can't keep thinking how I hve to walk, how I have to talk, how I have to snort and burp. I want to be free of the burden of meeting expectations based on someone who once called out 'It's a Boy' and be who I am"

Have a good list of questions handy. Give them a copy of the list and tell them to ASK you the questions they would like you to answer and if there is something not on the list, write it on and ask it.

NEVER EVER EVER offer ultimatums: "If you can't handle this, then it' ok you don't need to be my friend any more" or "If you can't accept me then I'm going to leave"

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i like the idea of picking your marks if you can....

who can you think of that will be most accepting? that's a great idea...my first "tell" was my fricking boss!!!

he took it very well and offered me a severance package...which i took..

my next was my gay friend...he thought it was wild and thought i was a drag queen, but it was excellent practice to tell folks that i cared alot about...

[Carole Cross]

I am also planning on transitioning and I also worry about coming out to my family. i was thinking of posting a similar thread myself once i had spoken to a counsellor.
I have considered getting my close family (Mother, Father and Sister) together and telling them all at the same time, but this will not be easy as they all live a fair distance from each other. I would probably start by asking them when they have ever seen me happy and then try to explain why I have never been Happy or comfortable with my percieved identity. I would also take some photos of me en femme to showthem and some information about transexualism for them to read.

[pruella]

who can you think of that will be most accepting? that's a great idea...my first "tell" was my fricking boss!!!

he took it very well and offered me a severance package...which i took..

Admit it! You didn't love the job anyway! You didn't like the people at the job either. Right?


my next was my gay friend...he thought it was wild and thought i was a drag queen, but it was excellent practice to tell folks that i cared alot about...

That's cause Gay Guys want Guys as Friends.

I just changed over night and if anyone had issues, they could jut ignore me like anyone else they didn't know. I don't need to convince anyone of anything, personally or in my professional careers.

So far, I've not known of anyone I know, who has an issue. Some have been shocked but after that it's business as usual. Some have gone to their wardrobes and pulled out clothes that might fit me. One tried t convince me that if I gave my heart to God and Jesus I'd be OK. Hmmm. Didn't know that I had to be male to do that.


I am also planning on transitioning and I also worry about coming out to my family. i was thinking of posting a similar thread myself once i had spoken to a counsellor.

What the counselor is going to tell you what to say to your family? A good counselor isn't going to tell you anything really. Just ask you questions to make you think and maybe point you to some reading material.

Try trusting yourself and believing in yourself.


I have considered getting my close family (Mother, Father and Sister) together and telling them all at the same time, but this will not be easy as they all live a fair distance from each other.

Then tell one and ask them not to tell the others till you have seen the others.


I would probably start by asking them when they have ever seen me happy

So you are going to put the onus and guilt onto them to accept you. Ouch.


then try to explain why I have never been Happy or comfortable with my percieved identity.

So after you make them feel guilty that you have never been happy in your life, which they have been a major part of, you're going to tell them it's not them but they way they treated you!


I would also take some photos of me en femme to showthem and some information about transexualism for them to read.

Forget the photos. Really. Don't be offended, but if any are like your profile pic, it will only cause them more reason to not accept you.

Let me explain. They have seen you as a boy all your life. Now you are going to appear before them, looking like a male, and bash their eyes with photos if you in girls clothe.

Are you trying to totally confuse them or what? Are you trying to make them feel they have NEVER known you and that you have this deceptive secret life they should have known about?

I could give you about 40 more reasons not to do it this way, but I'm sure you are starting to get the idea.

Here's some advice.

Put yourself in their shoes, and imagine them telling you they are all Transsexuals and have kept the secret from you all their life.

Oh how about this one. Imagine them sitting down and telling you that you are adopted!

Remember that you have the upper hand and the element of surprise. So you have to change that human element into something conversant.

In my case, I just changed over night. I didn't go around telling people before hand. I did warn my 'peudo' granny that when dropped around I'd be quite different to how she saw me last. She asked if I had a hair cut. Hmmm.

Most people, even those who worked with me, didn't recognize me at first. Some had to be told it really was me.

On NYE a person I worked with for 3 years was chatting with me on Skype. She last saw me and my family in 2004. She asked about my family so I sent some Xmas pics. She asked me who the tall dark woman was next to my wife and asked if there were any pics of me.

We all have different methods. I chose to just be me. No one rejected me. Not the staff at the local ALDI store, not the staff at the Post Office, I got better treatment at a government organization, after they realised I wasn't employed by me to do the job.

I feel some people fear themselves more than they fear other people's reaction. I think that sometimes people fear BEING accepted, more than not being accepted.

I know that I was more accepted the night I started my transition, than almost any other time in my life.

[Carole Cross]

Ok, those were my initial ideas, maybe I should think some more.
Pruella, The purpose of seeing the counsellor was not to ask about how to tell my family but the next step in my transition before I get referred to a gender therapist.
I probably wont tell them for a few months anyway, this thread was an opportunity to air my thoughts.
Anyway this thread isnt mine so I will keep quiet for now.

[Roberta Llyan]

Hi,
I worry about people finding out by word of mouth and how stories get told. I guess I can't prevent that but thought this way might help.
Thanks for any thoughts.
Lauren:)

Stories are going to be told no matter what. I just told them and let the rest do it. Some accepted it. Some didn't. Some close family. Some not. Some still talk to me. Some don't.

And those who "don't" then to hell with them. I don't need the negativity of their half-assed personalities in my life to live my life.

Sorry if that sounds COLD....but, hey, life is difficult enough without putting up with asinine people.

[pruella]

Ok, those were my initial ideas, maybe I should think some more.

Maybe it's just me because I'm a business strategist, and often all hold key roles where I have to tell people thing they don't know. My wife did say this morning:

"If you are going to take a bandaid off you might as well rip it off because it's gonna hurt no matter how slow you take it."


Pruella, The purpose of seeing the counsellor was not to ask about how to tell my family but the next step in my transition before I get referred to a gender therapist.

I often feel people have unrealistic expectations of counseling, at least in this very specific area.


I probably wont tell them for a few months anyway,

Ok let me put this to you:

YOu can have your secret and evolve ahead of everyone else, and when you tell them you have been to counseling and so on, they all feel you have left them out:

Or you can go on the journey with (hopefully) their support at the same pace.

Isn't it better that everyone get on the same plane and travel at the same time, rather than catch planes months apart?


this thread was an opportunity to air my thoughts.
Anyway this thread isnt mine so I will keep quiet for now.

I don't think anyone 'owns' a thread, if more people share their question and other share their experience within the same theme then the OP will see she is not alone, and then everyone benefits. It also enables those at the same point to banter with each other.


And those who "don't" then to hell with them. I don't need the negativity of their half-assed personalities in my life to live my life.

Sorry if that sounds COLD....but, hey, life is difficult enough without putting up with asinine people.

Not cold at all. Happens in Politics the world over every day!

[Lisa Golightly]

I did it one by one... and I told my friends first (I guessed I'd have less issues with them).

[LaurenS.]

Thankyou all for your help. It's not easy no matter how I do it.
I know there are some that will be easy to tell and others that I dread. I think the personal touch is the way to go. I worry about anything hardcopy going who knows where.
I'm not up to the task yet but getting there.
Thanks again. I also agree that nobody really owns a thread and the more involved in the conversation the better.
Thanks to those that got involved!
Lauren:)

[pruella]

Food for Thought:

Mum, Dad, Family, Friend GUESS WHAT!!

They all stand looking gasping waiting for the news.

"I'm Having a Baby/Getting Married/Won an Award"

Wooot!


then there is:

"Mum, don't know how to tel you this"

Dum di dum dum .... bad news is coming ...

How about "Hey everyone, guess what, I've finally disscovered something about myself I want to share with you! I'm so happy about this, I just want to scream it out to everyone all at once ..."



See, people react to you. If you are scared and inconfident then you cast doubt in their mind about what is in your mind.

Be confident, head up, chin up - and most important - BE WHO YOU ARE, not WHO YOU WERE.

I remember a couple of Christmas' ago. My wife refused to let me into the family lunch unless I was in DRAB. I said no way. I'd stay in the car all day if need be. We had camped on the front lawn of her long lost cousins. IN fact we were meeting many of them for the first time. The only one we'd met before was her Aunt.

4 hours passed. She came in and out crying "They won't accept you, they will mock you" and on it went.

I told her to have any of them come and tell me this was the case.

She gave in.

I dressed up, best caual dress, best makeup and went inside.

Result. I was complimented, asked a few questions kind somewhat cautiously because no one wanted to "offend" and totally accepted.

The only one feeling awkward was my wife - for the first 4 hour before I went in.

Funny thing is, she keeps repeating that mistake. Even though in EVERY situation the outcome is always positive. Often so much so, *I* forget that I am in a new situation with people who are experiencing a TS for the first time.

But you can't help good conversation and lots of support.

[Sharon]

I told all those closest to me one at a time when I began transitioning and within a small period of time because I wanted them to hear the news from me and not one another. I also told a few cousins and family friends with whom I have kept in close contact over the years and let them do the dirty work as far as telling others in their families (seriously, I have a gazillion cousins!)

Truthfully, it worked out well excepting for a couple older extended family members who just don't get it. Even so, on the rare occasions I see these people, they are always accompanied by many more who respect me and shush them quickly. :)

[jillleanne]

Start with the one you suspect will accept it right from the get go. You will want support along the way. Initial rejection from the start will make you second guess yourself. But don't wait, get started now. You'll reach Nirvana that much quicker.

[Sarah...]

I told my friends and family in a sort of "organic" way over a period of about three months. Each person was different. Each was told in a different way that I identified when the moment arose - telephone, letter, in person, pictures. We often see, on this forum, how different we all are and how we can't generalise about ourselves as a group. Well, it's the same for your friends and family. You can't generalise. There is no right and wrong way. No formula. Just trust in the human process.

My news has gone "critical". Those people I have told are telling others now as I didn't presume to instruct my confidantes in who they may or may not speak to. So my wife and I have told 75% of those who know - the other 25% know from those who we've told.

Sarah...

[pruella]

Yes, Sarah, with your body and legs, and apparently style, I think you'll make quite a splash!

How is it generally in Scotland? I hear that it's quote hostile towards 'abnormal' gender/sex topics.

[Sarah...]

How is it generally in Scotland? I hear that it's quote hostile towards 'abnormal' gender/sex topics.

Thanks for your lovely comments, Pruella. :daydreaming:

Scotland? Well, same as anywhere I guess. The further you get from a cosmopolitan centre, the more difficult it is. However, there is a thriving CD/TS/TG community even as far north as I am. I'm not the "only TG in the village" and there's the usual range of reactions from outright support, to indifference, to hostility. Though I've not seen much hostility. We're still covered by many of the "English" Regulations, Acts and Statutes so discrimination on the basis of gender is not acceptable in law.

Sarah...

[crystalann]

Hello, I was on hrt for 2 months before I said anything then I tolled my best friend he said he did not know what the big deal is you are the same on the inside and he knows that will never change. and he was always thinking I was a little more female then most males he is very accepting for me I think people always have some clue, and by telling him makes it easier to tell the next one. best of luck

[pruella]

See telling the community around you happens by default. I'd heard some horrible 'stories' about being TG in Scotland, but it never made much sense to me.

So the usual rules: 2 people hate you (no matter what you are), 96 people don't care either way, and 2 people will overwhelm you with adoration :)

I was told I'd find high levels of hostility everwhere I went. But other than the odd snipe here or there it's been pretty dull. I guess I usually see the hostility from the 1 or 2 people, within the first month or two or being in a new area, then the rest of the community just accepts me and frowns at the idiots. They tend to fade away pretty fast.

Funny how Family and Friends (if you are lucky to have them) are the most critical and feared. I was more concerned about people I didn't know!

I learned quickly, SMILE ALWAYS, Chin Up and be confident. Never show fear, ager or agression and just go about your business.

Funny enough these are things 'averge Jo does' in every day life. People who are grim, miserable or the likes have lousy interactions. People who smile, get great results.

I have, through my transition, learned to smile more, learned to be more positive even in the face of negative events (although I've always done that anyway) and I've learned to accept people who stand out different - but then that may simply be I notice people with Purple hair more these days too :)

[Melissa A.]

There isnt any one right way. some people may relieved to get a letter, and deal with you in person when they are ready to. Some may be hurt you didnt come to them directly. It really depends on the person, and your relationship with them. Neither way is wrong. I would say showing people pics before they have met you presenting female is not a great idea. I didnt do this, but there are people in my family who have not met Melissa yet, and I know they don't want to see pictures yet, either.

The important thing, when telling someone, is to be simple, and let them react. Avoid long drawn out medical and psychological explanantions, and words like "diagnosed". Just say what you need to do. Questions will come. It's not your job to explain every single aspect of transitioning, especially if it's not asked. Too much information at once is the thing that tends to freak people out, if they might be apt to.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Lori444]

Hello, my name is Lori and i have transitioned from male to Female. I told my dad,mom and then my sister in law in that order. My dad was completely ok with it, my mom was not as good about it. I flew back to IL(hate to fly), so she new i was serious about this. I gave her a book by the name of Wrapped in Blue by Donna Rose(Post-Op). She read the book and is completely understanding and supportive. I would recommend that book for the person that wants to transition and then give it to the people that are your'e friends to read. It helps alot for you and them to read this.

Good luck to everyone

Lori

[tori-e]

We (my wife and I) came out to dozens of people over about a two year period. For the most part we talked to people individually and left them with documentation for them to read once the shock wore off. This evolved into an FAQ then several letters and eventually a website. Which people you come out to and in which order was always a bit of strategic planning. Until things hit a critical mass it didn’t really become gossip. (That I’m aware of) Building allies seems to be important. Someone on your side that the person can talk to after they talk to you. At first the ally was my wife and later my family and business partners. I really owe my success to them.

If they are of any help you can borrow ideas from the letters on my website…
http://members.shaw.ca/terribreeze/faqhtml.htm
http://members.shaw.ca/terribreeze/ComingOut.htm
http://members.shaw.ca/terribreeze/SchoolMoms.htm
http://members.shaw.ca/terribreeze/LetterNeighbours.htm

One thing I learned about coming out is that people will never respond as you anticipate. That said, each outing was always a positive experience. At least for me.

The best of luck to you.

Terri