Feeling a bit stupid…..but very Relieved and some confusion

[2b.Lauren]

As I have mentioned in many of my post I felt I was not able to talk with my wife regarding my dressing. I always felt that our relationship was in such a bad place that I could not bring it up. I also had labored under the delusion that she had such a selective memory that she would never remember me talking about this with her when we dated or that she dressed me one night in a hotel room we were staying in. I just had so many excuses for not talking to her again about this. However, I could not handle feeling like I was hiding and lying to her. I had read all the threads that indicated how important it is to be honest with our spouse. The time had come for me to be honest with her and open up. Last Sunday our daughter was at the gym and so it felt like a good time for me to talk to her. So I mentioned that since we had sometime alone could we talk about some things. Some of this conversation centered on the various stressors that I have been dealing with lately. She said, I know you are under a lot of stress with these things, I said yes but that is not what I would like to talk about. So I just said do you remember when we were dating I enjoyed wearing lingerie and things. She said actually yes I do, I said well I wanted to tell you that I have started again. She said well I never thought you had really ever stopped doing that. I just said I hate to keep things from you and just wanted to talk about it with you. She said I certainly appreciate you talking to me and I am glad you do not want to keep things from me. I knew about this when we were dating and that it is okay. She asked if I needed her to think something was wrong with me, she said I don’t always like to wear a bra, and you sometimes do, so which one of us is weird. I guess I was just feeling very astonished and relieved. She then told me it is okay and that is fine, don’t worry about it. I had more I needed to share with her but our daughter called so I had to go pick her up.

Tonight we were alone and I brought the subject up again, I told her I needed to finish our previous conversation with her. I think she thought I was only wearing lingerie as before. I told her I enjoy wearing skirts, tops, slacks, blouses and other items. Her reply was, well I know you would not be able to fit into my stuff as before since you have gotten a bit bigger, so that is also okay, but what are your plans. Are you thinking about doing more than just dressing at home? I said well I had always thought about going out dressed and that I did go out once. Her entire attitude changed then. I told her I would not consider going out here locally since I know so many people. She said I hope you will not ever consider doing it again anywhere. She was concerned about my position and how it would affect my job if I was seen anywhere. So this has given me a dilemma. I do not regret talking to her about this at all. I am happy to have it out in the open with her, but now I am not sure what to do. I don’t want to push her boundaries, she is happy if I dress at home alone, which really does not give me much of a chance, since it is rare I am home alone. This is really considered a great opportunity for me in itself. I never would have thought it could have happened. I do love the feeling of dressing and going out. I guess I really do need some help here. Thanks to all that read, sorry it was such a long post.

[Megan_Girl]

My wife and I had a very similar situation.
Your very lucky to have someone who is so understanding. Even though in the back of her mind she knew you enjoyed lingerie she may still feel very uncomfortable.

She's accepting and that's HUGE!! But, she may feel somewhat threatened and vulnerable. Let her know (which ever of these applies) your still the guy she married, your not gay, your not going to leave her, your not going for SRS, etc.
As with many things communication is the key. Be open, honest, listen and patient.....time will tell.

XXX
MAK

[beenherelongtime]

take what you have and be happy, don't worry about going out, it is sometimes blown out of porportion. if you can dress at home and spend time with your wife, there is a possiblity that she will become more comfortable with you en femme and you will share many good times.

[docrobbysherry]

Why do u feel the need to go out dressed? Do u know why?:eek:

[2b.Lauren]

docrobbysherry: A good question. I suppose for me it does complete the entire persona. Dressing at home alone is certainly fine, but as I continue to dress I feel like going out is just the natural progression for me. It is not seen as an urge or some type of need. To me it just feels right. I guess my best answer is to paraphrase your caption at the bottom under your picture. We do have a short time on earth, no choice on the length, but we must choose how! Going out if only that one time fullfilled a part of that how. It is an unexplainable experience.

Going slow is the answer and I am thankful for that suggestion. I have only been out once in my entire life and since it took me over 30 years to get to that point, more time is not going to hurt anything.

[Andine]

Lauren ..... Yes you are right .. It does progress and the increased satisfaction keeps it going!

In the last year, using the courage and help of those on this site (like the amazing Rob/plastic Sherrie ) I have brought Andine into the world of her own existence.
My wife now lives in Singapore, and is nice enough to enquire about the perils of Andine from time to time.
Andine is now OK with her 2 sons , who take it in their stride when they see her heading out the door, and the younger one ( 18 ) swaps cars with her so that we don't upset people who expect Andrew to be driving the well known Green Campervan.

Andine now has a german friend ( Lilian ) who is like minded, and we share outings a few times a week for dinner and the movies or other venues.

Last Tuesday we enjoyed dinner at a crowded restaurant in Canberra city, followed by a visit to Dendy theatre to see "Valkyre".
I have become 100% comfortable with myself as Andine and I'm happy to mix it anywhere socially. I don't seem to get picked, and no-one looks at me twice. Tonight will be a visit to the gay bar . The Hush lounge is totally not threatening, After that Sunday morning Andine will go to the Bus Depot Markets .... Andrew alternates there as well, much to the entertainment of the stall holders who are familiar with both! Sunday evening is "Oprera by candlelight " in commonwealth park ..... Starts at 6 pm in the big outdoor park ( bring chairs , champagne, cheeses, and definitely no heels ( quell domage )) Next w/end we are going to a Baroque recital in the school of music ... very posh ..... Will wear that sexy black dress I bought last week!

My only worry at the moment is the extraordinary heat!! It's over 60 deg C in the sun and 40 deg C in the shade .... I perspire like a full grown Rhino .... and even waterproof makeup has its limits!!

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Lauren,

I read your post and my first thought was "gosh, that's a difficult position to be in" :sad: Difficult because your wife is somewhat accepting of your dressing but only if you stay at home and keep it private. I do know of a few CDers who prefer to not go out but most of us want to at some point in our lives.

I remember when I first got married my (accepting) wife was not that cool about me going out because she was concerned about the neighbors and also the fact that I wanted her to come with me to "protect me". Anyway, to cut a long story short, it wasn't until she became a member here and read all the threads about people going out that over time she warmed to the idea. For my part I respected her boundaries and eventually they faded away. Why not see if she will join here and get a used to the idea that it's ok to go out if you take precautions.

[2b.Lauren]

Thanks for the suggestion Racheal. I did mention things like support groups that I could attend to help me. I also mentioned this site and she really did not respond at the moment. I am sure it was more like information overload for her. As I mentioned earlier our marriage has been in a great amount of turmoil. We started counseling together, but it did not work. She was seeing her own counselor for other reasons that are definately connected to our marital problems and her needs were being covered. During those sessions it was just so easy to see I was very wounded, needed to be heard, and the counselor suggested I work on things alone and then we come together as necessary to update. To get to the point she suggested I mention this to my counselor and see what she says. I am fine with opening this dialog up with my therapist, I just don't see my dressing as a mental health condition for me. It is not so pervasive that it controls or gets in the way of functioning and the urge to go out is not so great that her current boundary is a deal breaker. I do understand her concerns. They are not unfounded. She is very worried that being made in public by someone that knows what I do for work or knows me would ruin my career and ruin our lives. She was not comfortable with me doing so out of the area. Again same concerns. One of my attributes is patients, I could not have lived like we have if not for patients. So I will just see how it goes.

Thanks for your support ladies.

[TxKimberly]

Well if you ask me, you have already taken the most significant hurdle - she knows and can tolerate the concept. The very concept did not freak her out, and she didn't run screaming.

[2b.Lauren]

Well said Kimberly. I guess I was lucky even if I doubted that she would remember me approaching this with her 23 years ago when we dated. I am glad that we did share some of that time then so now was so much easier, like picking up where I left off before. I was very worried about the screaming and running. That it did not happen is huge and makes me happy. So one step at a time for here on out.

[Di]

Glad it went well:hugs: But you need to respect her boundries for it to go further. I would look into maybe a group situation...tg groups ect...where there is a safe place to go. OR go out a distance away from your area ( take little trips) PLUS there also are alot of safe places events to go through out the year Be All plus also events in Vegas and Alanta. ( sorry the names escape me) Her asking for you not to go out in your area is a reasonable request. And maybe talk to her about these other options.

[DonnaT]

Baby steps, Lauren.

Where in Virginia are you located? There are a few (quite few) groups around that meet.

You could take your time getting your wife used to your dressing, if she willing to see you dressed, and then feel her out about attending a meeting. Maybe she'd like to go with.

Note some wives worry their CDing husband wants to go out and meet men. Something that needs discussing, when discussing going out.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

You are making progress - what is it about us CDing and going out in piblic that terrifies Spouses so much ?

JoAnne Wheeler

[Billijo49504]

From some of the heart breaking stories I've read here, I really don't think you have it so bad. So if you can't go out, make a day of it, staying in. Let her and the kids go for the day and you get dressed and spend the day cleaning the house and other chores around the house. Then before you change out of gurl mode, cook the family a great supper. If you want the whole experence, house work is a part of it. That way you both can have kinda special day.....:2c:...BJ

[Kelli Michelle]

You are making progress - what is it about us CDing and going out in piblic that terrifies Spouses so much ?

JoAnne Wheeler

I know what you mean, it does get frustrating. O course there are lots of reasons why it terrifies them, some of which were written of in earlier posts. I think it boils down to potential lost income concerns (if you get outed and lose job), embarrassment if friends/family members find out, and concern over whether this means you will go further and further, and she looses the man she married. As far as I am concerned, I think this is the main objection, whether it's stated or not. These are valid concerns. Clearly if you go out, any of these COULD happen. However (you knew there would be one of these--lol), to look at these concerns as if there was no way of mitigating them, at least substantially, to each others satisfaction, is wrong. I think when you feel the time is right, that you should set out to suggest ways to greatly lessen the ways that going out will cause these problems. Distance to me solves almost all problems if done appropriately. That being said, even in your own town, there should be ways to go out without being too concerned. Appropriate places where it's unlikely you'll see friends/family comes to mind. A TG friendly bar should be pretty safe. If you ever get that far (each person needs to decide what parameters they are willing to live with). be sure to ask the wife to come along!

[Sally2005]

Sounds good, except you didn't get what you really wanted. I think, just let her warm up to the at home dressing and involve her so that she can see how passable or unrecognizable you are and maybe she will change her tune for one adventure out to dinner with her in another town far away or something. It is a potential issue if you go out with your SO because someone might recognize her. If you go alone you probably will not be recognized. Depending on your career, she could be correct.

[Melora]

I Say..
GOOD For You!
A 50 ./. Victory is better than a no victory..
AND YOU MAY have some room to grow in this situaation too. :) = Give it some time and enjoy your possible new 50 ./. freedom.
:2c:

[Angie G]

It's going the right way keep it going but take it slow.:hugs:
Angie

[Jonianne]

Wonderful Lauren! Reassure her you will respect her boundries because you want to maintain a wonderful relationship with her.

You have just experienced what it means to enter into the pink fog of our SO's acceptance and seeing how far we can go until we hit a brick wall. Now step back and let the relationship rebuild with mutual respect and later, in time you can reapproach the subject. If she would be willing to join the F.A.B. group here, that would be wonderful, but let her go at her pace. Just inform her of it and give her the option.

As was previously mentioned, you could start by going to a group like "Tri-ess" nearby in Maryland or North Carolina. I think there still is an unaffililated group in Tidewater (Rho-Tau) http://www.transgender.org/rtc/
But I don't know how active they are.

Your wife might be OK if you meet at one of these groups because they are usually simi private. (Hotel room and you can get dressed there on site) That way you can get some of your need met and she can feel more secure.

Definatly go with what you have. I told my wife before we were married and she had boundries, but as she trusted me more and saw my needs she was the one who first took me out herself. She also came to my tri-ess meetings with me and met the other SO's. This all took time and building of trust.

Lauren, you have a wonderful start, use your patience to your advantage and don't push it now.

I am very excited for you.

Joni

[2b.Lauren]

Many thanks for all the encouragement and suggestions. I am very thankful to have people here in this forum that are here for me and so very helpful. I went to my mothers home this weekend to visit her. She is not at her house right now and I stayed the night. I was able to dress put on some makeup and just sit back and watch a movie. I had a great time. When I came home I let my wife know that I did that there, and asked if when I did go there if that was okay. Just don't go out, and I said of course I will not, I respect your boundary. She replied with a thanks. All and all it is a win win right now.