Coming to terms with the dark passenger

[dianarg]

Even though I constantly analyze my transsexuality, the reasons behind it, and most importantly it's purpose, I can't avoid feeling it's something unnatural. On the one hand, it does take a lot of courage and it requires determination and guts to successfully transition; but on the other hand it makes me feel like I'm somehow inferior when compared to "average" people. I feel broken, lagging behind. Please don't take me wrong, I'm not looking down on anyone but my own self, and I honestly envy how most transsexuals deal with their nature and accept themselves for what they are. I feel I'm missing something, a way to love myself maybe.
One thing that did for a fact help a lot was telling my best friend everything about me, the real me (yes he asked a bunch of questions) he was actually relieved to finally understand why I reacted the way I did to certain jokes and the way my mannerisms got a little bit fem sometimes; he accepted me for what I am, and that was very important and emotionally enriching. I realized I could be me when I'm with him.
The bottom line is why can't I love me anymore. I need to figure that out. Being a transsexual can't be avoided, I know that after 6 years of stubbornness. But is it really something good, or just excess baggage?

[Lisa Golightly]

Being a transsexual can't be avoided, I know that after 6 years of stubbornness. But is it really something good, or just excess baggage?

It just is. I accept it as being as intrinsic as the colour of my eyes or my blood type. The only time I felt like you was when I hadn't quite accepted myself... and I used to debate with myself constantly. I used to look at all the average peeps and think they were so lucky...

But in reality I think they were as miserable, with their own fears and issues... What we are is who we are... I'm just Lisa.

[gagirl1]

he accepted me for what I am

sweetheart, you are not a what. you are a who, a person, a human, a beautiful creation of the world. and believe me, all those successfully transitioned women and men have gone through those same thoughts. you're doing just fine :) hang in there.

[Carole Cross]

I used to feel like you do until I finally accepted who I am and what I need to do. For many years I had not hought it possible for me to successfully transition, so I tried to live as the gender I was born with even though I knew it was wrong.
I still occassionally have doubts about whether I am doing the right thing but then I remember why I took the decision to transition.

[gagirl1]

i hope she doesn't mind me posting this here, but this candid expose of personal dispute greatly helped me to understand that i am not alone in my thoughts:

"Doubts: an essay
by Me
Circa 2003/4

A friend and I were having a conversation a few days ago. It was a very good conversation for us to have because it was on a topic we as trans people don’t like to discuss. Doubt. It's there, it's real, and it's scary but we don't talk about it because we want to transition. We're making this huge decision that flies in the face of conventional society and we feel like we're under pressure to defend our decision; that we have to project one hundred percent confidence that transition is right. Like if we show a hair of uncertainty, our families, the Right, or anyone else who feels they have a stake in us not transitioning, are going to jump all over it. Often, the reaction we fear the most is that of other transpeople, we start to feel like we have to prove our transness. That, if we don’t measure up we won’t be taken seriously. So where does that leave us when we're afraid?

Quiet and alone, with uncertain thoughts bouncing around in our heads, which I think makes the whole thing worse (I'm using "we" rhetorically to refer to those of us who feel this way from time to time, I think there are a lot of people who struggle with this, but I’m not implying that this is how you personally feel). Well, I will admit, right here, that I have doubts from time to time in my transition and it scares me. Profoundly. I’ve just had an orchiectomy. That's a pretty permanent decision, and questioning my transition after such a huge step is terrifying.

So, my friend and I had this feeling at roughly the same time, I had just had my orchie and she is going full time in a just over a week. The only reason we even brought it up was because we’re very close and we were having the same feeling at the same time. If the circumstances were different, I don’t think either of us would have brought it up. Both of us were at a point of permanent change in our transitions/lives and change is scary. We were both scared. It's scary to move forward into something. Even if it is something that you've hoped, dreamed.

So, what's the deal? I'm admitting here that I question my transition. That I have real serious fears about what I'm doing with my life. Should I look into testosterone shots and burn my girly clothes? Should I beat the crap out of my FTM friend and get all my boy clothes back from him? I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon and my friend isn't going to back out of going full time. We’re not simply pressing forward because we feel like we’re already too far in to quit. Yes it’s scary, but it's scary because we're leaving things that we are certain of behind. I think the fact that we're freaked out a little means we've made the right decision. Let me explain:

I suffer from depression. When I'm on my depression meds, I start to feel like I'm cured. The truth is the depression didn't go away, the medicine is working. If I were to stop taking my medicine I'd be all messed up and depressed again with in a few days. Transition, for me, can act exactly like that. I'm into my transition. I feel good. I don't feel dysphoric anymore. So when something comes up that's frightening I start to wonder if it's worth it because I don't feel dysphoric. I don’t feel that constant conflict anymore.
The reason that I don't feel dysphoric isn't because I didn't need to transition; it's because I have transitioned.

The questions that flood my head next are: how do I know it's because of transition? How do I know I'm not deluding myself? This last one is hard to answer because I don't feel like a girl, I feel like me. I don’t wake up every morning feeling profoundly different before I started transition, the only thing I feel like is me. And that's it, that's the answer: I feel like me. I don't feel confused, lost, angsty and miserable anymore. I don’t feel more like me, I feel less not like me. The difference subtle and can be very easy to overlook when you’re frightened.

The proof is in my life. I'm a generally much happier. I'm more comfortable with myself, especially in social situations. I'm a much better performer than I ever was and my friends who have known me through my transition keep telling me things like:

"We like you better this way."

"You seem much happier."

"You don't seem angry all the time anymore."

"I used to look angry all the time?"

"Yes, you used to look angry all the time."

Natural. That’s the word I hear most often when people who didn’t know me as a boy, find out I’m trans. They say I look and act like a natural girl. That this, my transition, me being a girl, seems natural to them. These are their words not mine.
Maybe I'm just a good actor. Maybe I've just learned how to play girl I am a professional performer after all. But, I wasn't a good enough actor to hide my unease at being a boy and frankly my friends aren't nice enough people to lie to me that specifically and that often.

So, even though I have doubts, I continue my transition not because it feels right all the time, but because it doesn't feel wrong. If I'm deluding myself, it's a delusion I can live with because my life tangibly is better now. I really feel better than I did before; sometimes I just don't remember how bad it felt.

The last thing I seriously worry about is that maybe I'm just too involved in trans culture and I'm just being pushed along by peer pressure. When I start to feel that way I ask myself: what it would be like if I did stop transition and could I actually go back to being a

boy?

No. "

[GypsyKaren]

I used to despise myself for being who I am, and I kept up with the "why me" and "if only" questions, like knowing the answers would solve anything. It's like trying to understand why you're right handed instead of left or why you tie your shoes one way over another, you'll still be doing it at the end of the day whether you know why or not...it is what it is, you are who are, reasons don't matter.

My life changed when I accepted myself, which finally allowed me to love myself. I finally got it, that there was absolutely no reasons for hate, and no reasons not to love, it was really all that simple. I finally allowed myself to see all of the good in me and in what I had done, and it far outweighed the bad. We are our own worse enemies and critics, and it's too easy to hold onto the bad so that it blinds us from the good, you just need to open your eyes and your heart to see it.

Telling your friend helped because he was accepting, which is probably the opposite of what you expected. We all expect them to be filled with horror and form a mob to run us out of town at the news of our truth, but it never comes to that. Most people are kind if you give them the chance to be, and most people aren't "average" either, they're no better than you or anyone. Most "average" people, whatever that is, live inside the box because they've either forced themselves in there or are too afraid to step out, but I greatly prefer staying outside, there's much more room to stretch.

Hate yourself for kicking kittens, not for being the woman you are. Never be jealous of anyone, you'd be amazed at how miserable people with the biggest smiles can actually feel inside. I never care about others, for no matter how much they have or think they have, they have nothing on me...and I'm kind to kittens too.

Karen Starlene :star:

[Sally24]

I can't avoid feeling it's something unnatural.
We all go thru that a little. How I feel now, at least most of the time, is that this is just another interesting part of my personality. I feel very lucky to experience things from both side of the aisle and I don't think I would trade this for being "average". One thing for sure, it's not boring!

[Joan Merrie]

Jessica, I felt the same way only a very short while ago. I came out to my family, My mom told me "It doesn't matter to me because your still you, And we love you for you , not what you look like." That statement really helped me finally accept who I am.:hugs:

[Jessinthesprings]

I know exactly how you feel. My wife scolds me when I call myself a freak sometimes, and I know she's right. But, I cannot help but feel as though I'm an outsider looking in. As a man I feel like I'm pretending, and as a woman I feel like I'm pretending. I hate to live my life in a fantasy world dreaming of what if's but I really would have been better off born a female. Then again I think on the flip side I could dream that I never ever had the urge to change my gender, and I think I would rather be as I am than to want to be male. Ugh! The contradictions are enough to make anyone's head explode.

[dianarg]

Thank you so much for the encouraging replies. It really helps a lot to know I'm not the only one dealing with issues like these.
Accepting ourselves for who we are requires a lot of inner strenght, and sometimes bigotry makes it even harder, for example stuff like this:

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Should we invite gays to our church services?

There should be a place for every sinner in the local church. Jesus came not for the healthy, but for the sick. To close off the church to only those who are ”healed” is to miss the point of the Gospel. However, the local church cannot tolerate intentional, purposeful sinful behavior, no matter the form it takes. There are many lifestyle choices that may hinder someone’s ability to serve in the local church. A sexually active homosexual is sinning in the same way a sexually active single heterosexual is sinning. A sexually active homosexual must be biblically confronted with their sin as should anyone actively pursuing sinful activities.
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a group called Exodus international, fueling the hatred towards GLBT people.
Even though I'm not a Christian I feel it's preposterous that people still consider our issues a disease.
Truly, I admire all of you girls for struggling everyday just to be who you are.

[gagirl1]

-----------------------------------------------------------
Should we invite gays to our church services?

There should be a place for every sinner in the local church. Jesus came not for the healthy, but for the sick. To close off the church to only those who are ”healed” is to miss the point of the Gospel. However, the local church cannot tolerate intentional, purposeful sinful behavior, no matter the form it takes. There are many lifestyle choices that may hinder someone’s ability to serve in the local church. A sexually active homosexual is sinning in the same way a sexually active single heterosexual is sinning. A sexually active homosexual must be biblically confronted with their sin as should anyone actively pursuing sinful activities.
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"judge not lest ye be judged." all i gotta say to that. i'm not going to apologize for being me. this statement alone is so far off from the general purpose of a church, it's ridiculous. sounds like these people are holding so tightly to their beliefs, to vindicate themselves of their own problems, that they are missing the big picture. we are testing them, their forgiveness, and their ability to accept people for who they are, rather than change them. if we're going to go into the religious argument, God made me the way I am, not some book. and nobody is going to convince me to feel bad for myself because of some antiquated religion that has become so corrupt and belligerent in its beliefs that it can't see past its own papal nose. if i were to speak to these people in person i'd say, "open your eyes, the world is bigger than christianity. there are other books out there."

[Heatherx75]

You know, as much as I've come to like myself and all other gender variant people for who we are, I wouldn't wish gender dysphoria on anyone. I remember when I first began to realize what I was, I was horrified. Then when I came to accept it, it seemed like a wonderful thing. Then when I realized all the crap I had to deal with, I was horrified again. And it's been kind of up and down like that ever since, but the swings are getting less eccentric.

[gagirl1]

You know, as much as I've come to like myself and all other gender variant people for who we are, I wouldn't wish gender dysphoria on anyone. I remember when I first began to realize what I was, I was horrified. Then when I came to accept it, it seemed like a wonderful thing. Then when I realized all the crap I had to deal with, I was horrified again. And it's been kind of up and down like that ever since, but the swings are getting less eccentric.

i semi-agree with you. no, i wouldn't want anyone to go through the agony of society spitting in your face. however, i've become a huge proponent of the self-knowledge gained through accepting yourself, and i think that is a great thing. most people don't even try. i wouldn't wish dysphoria on anyone, but i'd wish a need to find oneself on every person on this planet, a drive to explore humanity, and losing the fear of being oneself. so much pain would be avoided if we could all just be ourselves without recourse.

[Jessinthesprings]

so much pain would be avoided if we could all just be ourselves without recourse.

just to play devil's advocate:

The hate mongers could argue that a rapeist is "just being himself"

[gagirl1]

i saw that one coming, don't worry. if i had an answer for that, i'd be a world leader, but i don't. i realize the world is more complicated that, and that's when things get out of hand, when we try to make decisions on the lives of other people. yes, the world is ugly, but how else would we appreciate the beauty in life? good and bad must come together, and that's the awful truth.

[Raquel June]

My only friend who knows I'm on HRT and didn't freak out about it has a son with Asperger Syndrome. She has told me several times that I have a lot of symptoms of it. One time she asked me if I was sure I was really TG or if it was just something I had become hyper-focused on like people with Aspergers tend to do. That's actually a good question, because isn't it what's on the inside that matters? Should I really be that concerned with presenting as a female? I can't help but feeling awfully narcissistic for being so focused on what my hair looks like or how people think of me.



When it comes to M2F TG girls, I'm sure none of us would wish our issues on anybody. If we were given a button and told, "If you press this, you will lose all your TG feelings. You will forget you ever felt that way. You will wake up as a guy before you ever started to transition and you'll be totally content to be a guy," all of us would eventually press the button.




"judge not lest ye be judged." all i gotta say to that. i'm not going to apologize for being me.


just to play devil's advocate:

The hate mongers could argue that a rapeist is "just being himself"

The fallacy is saying that we shouldn't judge. Life without judgment would be post-apocalyptic anarchy. People are constantly judging. Being "discriminating" used to have a good connotation meaning that you saw good and bad, right and wrong, quality and incompetence. Judging is only bad if the judgment being made is bad. What is bad is prejudice; that is, pre-judging people based on something that really isn't relevant.

A rapist can't help who he is. Neither can a pedophile or a serial killer. If they can't control themselves they should be removed from existence or at least separated in a way so as to 100% guarantee the safety of others. Their mere existence is a threat to others.

Transgendered people and gay people also can't help who they are, but ostracizing them strictly because of who they are is ignorant. They don't pose a threat to society.

[gagirl1]

racquel, while i agree with your summation, it puts us on a difficult and slippery slope: who can we judge? who says who we can judge and who we cannot? religion typically answers these questions for us. heck, whomever wasn't raised with a religious moral system here, raise his/her hand. my point is, we have all been instilled with some sort of moral code, centered on religious beliefs. yes, some people are right, some people are wrong. but not too long ago (and even today), trans people were (and are) considered scum and criminals. but we can't help ourselves. many people would be happy to put us into the same category as rapists and child molestors.

more to the point, in the society we live in, there are people who decide who to judge and how. what needs to be done, for trans rights specifically, is to educate the world and let those that fear our change know that we just want to take out the trash without being attacked. we're not in your bathrooms touching your children, nor are we trying to convert you. the more people know about the trans world, and how it's not all drag queens (i'm not hating, drag queens make my world go around).

my hope, is that one day, a cis family will allow a transperson to babysit their children, knowing full well that the babysitter is trans. if the family can trust me with their children knowing who i am, then i think all barriers have been broken down.

i just wish people would stop comparing transgender people to rapists and child molesters. i've dated a woman who was molested, and he was most definitely not trans. gah, why can't people just look at the facts rather than listen to sensationlist news. breaks my heart.

[Heatherx75]

My only friend who knows I'm on HRT and didn't freak out about it has a son with Asperger Syndrome. She has told me several times that I have a lot of symptoms of it. One time she asked me if I was sure I was really TG or if it was just something I had become hyper-focused on like people with Aspergers tend to do. That's actually a good question, because isn't it what's on the inside that matters? Should I really be that concerned with presenting as a female? I can't help but feeling awfully narcissistic for being so focused on what my hair looks like or how people think of me.




That's interesting, because one of my friends who I've known and worked with for about 10 years thinks I have asperger's. Granted, his only expertise on the matter is having read "Look Me in the Eye" by John Elder Robison, but that gets me to wondering about how common that is. Admittedly, I fit the asperger's profile in certain ways, but I personally think it comes from learning to repress my emotions and mannerisms and to generally not express myself. Plus if you are mentally a female, but socialized among males, it stands to reason that you're going to just not know how to be. So there are similarities, but then I contrast the way I act around people who accept me and with those I'm not out with, and there's like a night and day difference. In the first case I find myself rather effusive and able to carry on long and interesting conversations. In the other case I am reserved, unemotional and some people say, a little intimidating. Anyhow, it's food for thought.

[Pink Annie]

just excess baggage?

There's no such thing love.

Be who you want to be and the rest will fall into place or buy the wayside. Life's too short to second guess whats right or wrong buy other peoples standards. IMO the average person has no idea beyond thier own pigeon hole because being different makes them stand out and they can't handle that. Life's like a play ground, you find a group of friends and stick with them, you'll never be alone with like minded people.

Cellebrate who you are and be proud of yrself.

:hugs:

[Raquel June]

I really like the title of the thread. It makes me think of what is by far my favorite U2 album (the only other U2 stuff I even like is Numb and The Wanderer), although they decided it was too weird and didn't even officially call it a U2 album, so they called the band Passengers:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Original_Soundtracks_1

And my favorite song on the album, Slug:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvuSn06BcaI


But if you were thinking of a song when you wrote the title it was probably Iggy Pop's Passenger, and that's pretty cool, too :D

I am a passenger
I stay under glass
I look through my window so bright
I see the stars come out tonight
I see the bright and hollow sky
Over the city's a rip in the sky
And everything looks good tonight

[Alison010274]

In that case it is an awesome title! Viva Iggy! (RIP Ron)

But back to the subject at hand, when it comes down to it, there is no more natural a purpose in life than living. In my opinion that starts and ends with Happiness. Accept who you are (sounds easy enough..) and get help to do so if necessary (that sounds pretty easy too..therapy maybe)
Unfortunatelty it seems nothing in this journey is easy (not even deciding what to wear!)