Experience with counselors/therapists?

[jackie_p]

Well, I finally took the plunge and told my wife of 25 years
about Jackie. I made sure that I did it the right way, considering
that is that I didn't tell her before we married. Anyway, we
are going nice and slow, and on the surface it seems like it might
be OK. She isn't really supportive in the sense of helping or anything,
but she also doesn't want a divorce either.

So we decided that we should go see a family counselor/therapist
to help us work through some questions. You know, the "is he gay?"
"Does he want to be a woman?" kind of thing. Anyone have any
advise to offer. I don't really know how much this guy knows about
TG issues and after 40 years of keeping this a secret from everyone,
I'm a little nervous about telling two people in the same week, even
though one loves me and the other isn't supposed to talk about it!

Thanks in advance!
Hugs
Jackie

[Alice B]

I will be interested in reading the responses you get on this subject. While my wife is OK with my dressing, it does have restrictions. She went to a therapist for several years on issues not related to us and once I had told her about my desires to sometimes be be Alice I also said that it would be OK to discuss it with the therapist, who is also a friend of ours. She has decided not to do this, I think because she is afraid to do so. I think it would be good, but I do not want to press the issue. I would like to be able to go out to support groups and out with a close friend of ours thast knows and supports Alice, with her husband's knowledge.

[Samantha B L]

Hi Jackie, If it matters any,they can't put you in the nuthouse for dressing. Some therapists are very astute in LGBT and TG/TS/CD matters and could actually be of some kind of genuine constructive help and assistance. And there are some who know that you are not nuts for dressing but they are personally grossed out by things like LGBT and TG/TS/CD stuff.

[Tomara]

Hi Jackie

I just had a session with my therapist this morning.

My suggestions would be to try to find someone that has experience with gender issues , (google your area gender therapist) I am sure you will find someone.

The other think that helped me was to get to know the therapist (I initially went for relationship problems , once I felt comfortable with her I opened up about my dressing , she is very helpful and supportive) since this doesn`t seem to be an option for you I would suggest that you have a backup , so if you are not comfortable with one you can try someone else.

You have my best wishes , you have a difficult situation , you are going to be telling two people with two different interests your feelings and desires for the first time in your life.

I am sure it will be stressful but if you and your wife can take it slow and COMMUNICATE with each other and the therapist it will make things much easier.

Good luck to the both of you , and keep us posted on your progress.

:hugs: Tomara

[trannie T]

Talk with your therapist, ask if they have dealt with transgender issues. Find one that both you and your wife can trust. At the sessions tell the truth, you have been hiding things for many years, it is time to 'fess up. Until your wife becomes comfortable with your other personna take every effort to keep her from watching Dr, Phil.

[LisaM]

Hi Jackie,

I just met with my therapist today as well. Similar to you I didn't tell my spouse until after 13 years of marriage. She was not accepting either but she wanted to keep our marriage together.

I took my spouse to the counselor (the same one I saw today) 13 years ago and she was very good at explaining gender issues because she specialized in gender issues---so my first thought is to find someone who knows or specializes in gender issues. Now I was already seeing this counselor at the time so after our session the counselor asked my wife if she needed referrals for other counselors because she was already working with me and she thought it was a conflict to work with both of us. I bring this up in case you are thinking about seeing a therapist yourself.

Even today my therapist said she felt it was difficult to be fair and balanced when dealing with couples. After a while you may both want to see individual therapists.

Just my thoughts----

[jackie_p]

Thanks for the replies so far. Good advice as usual. I have been trying to keep
her away from Dr. Phil, Oprah, and that ilk for some time...LOL

I'll let you all know how it works out.

Thanks
Jackie

[crystalann]

Hello, I started seeing a therapist back in October for my transgender issues because I wanted to start hormones and she was willing to help me get on them and I have been going weekly since then. But what really helped me was her helping me to let other people know that I will be transition and she pushed me into contacting other trans people and I am so glad she did I met someone that had gone thought it already and now we have become very good friends and the thing is she lives right down the road. And I get more talking to her no matter how good or how many gender issues the therapist have helped they are not in your shoes and can never 100% understand what you really want. It is nice to be able to talk to a therapist but I feel if you know what you want. Don't let anybody tell you are wrong best of luck

[RobynP]

So we decided that we should go see a family counselor/therapist
to help us work through some questions. You know, the "is he gay?"
"Does he want to be a woman?" kind of thing. Anyone have any
advise to offer. I don't really know how much this guy knows about
TG issues
Ask him how much he knows about TG issues. Ask him how many crossdressers he has treated in the past year or two. If at any time you sense any discomfort from him, request a referral to someone who is better suited to handle your issues. A good therapist knows when they are outside of their area of expertise and are willing to acknowledge it and make a referral without being prompted.

My own personal recommendation would be that you have the therapist facilitate communication issues. My guess is that after being married 25 years, you both know the answers to all those TG/CD-related questions. It is just a matter of communicating properly and continuing to work towards your common goal of not having a divorce.

Robyn P.

[laura_j81]

Hi

At a point in my life where i was particularly self destructive a girl friend of mine persuaded me to see a therapist - i looked one up in london who specialised in sexuality type issues. As luck would have it she worked 250 yds from my flat at the time in west london... anyway i saw her for about 3 months every week (not cheap!). It was very useful - i think it helped me understand things about myself and some of the reasons i do what i do. I can also recognise situations which lead me to xdress more or do certain things. I still have her number somewhere if any london girls need help.

LJ

[Sedona]

I don't have a ton of therapist experience, but I do have one I see on occasion. I found her online, and her website advertises that she deals with the gay and lesbian community. It didn't mention CD/TG people, but she was great. Didn't bat an eye when I told her, and really helped me be at peace with my dressing, and how to deal with telling girlfriends.

Do your research, and you'll be fine.

[Ruth]

I guess it's kind of stating the obvious, but if you find a really good therapist it won't matter whether he/she has experience with CD and transgender issues.
My therapist had never met a CDer before I went to her, but she has been a great help to me and has also learnt a good deal along the way.
What a therapist does is listen to you and understand you as a person, and help you to realise what is going on inside you.
My therapist had already dealt with men and women, so nothing about me was new to her (just having both in the same person maybe!).
I suppose it is possible there are less good therapists out there, some who even may be hostile to the idea of CDing and may go in for some kind of "cure", but you should be able to spot one fairly early on.

[StaceyJane]

I had a therapy session today. It was another emotional session. I almost felt like crying but I really am making progress with accepting myself and making goals for achiving what would make me happy. I wish you and your wife the best of luck with your therapist.

[NicoleScott]

Any meeting I go into, I like to begin by understanding the objective. If your objective is to get her to accept your crossdressing and hers is to get you to stop, how can the therapy be successful for both? So you should agree on the objective: let's find out if our relationship can survive our different views on crossdressing, or not.

[Hope]

First – congratulations on telling your wife. Even if everything didn’t go as planned it was still a HUGE step forward for you.

The meat: Don’t be afraid of a therapist. He cannot (under penalty of loosing his license to practice) tell anyone anything about your sessions without your express permission. Of course – there are a few loopholes, like if he believes that you are imminently going to harm yourself or others. And no – wearing heels might pinch, but does not qualify as harm.

You do not HAVE to see the Dr. your wife picks. Picking a therapist is a little bit like dating – if you are not comfortable with the doctor she picks – you are free to ask her to see some one else. Explain to her that you are happy to go to therapy with her, by yourself, with the dog, (whatever) but not with a therapist who you are not comfortable with.

I want to second what Nicole said above – make sure you know what your goals are. (You are going to be paying $150/hr or more – make sure you are getting some work done.) I have a sneaking suspicion that your goals and your wife’s goals might be significantly different.

If at all possible (and it should be relatively easy) go to a Psychologist, and not a Psychiatrist. A Psychologist has either a PhD, or a PsyD and he spent his time in grad school learning about the human mind, human relationships and how to best effect positive change on them. A Psychiatrist is a guy who went to Med school, and then decided to specialize in Psychiatry. These guys are great at writing prescriptions and treating the pharmacologically based disorders like schizophrenia and the like. Not so much with relationship and emotional issues. You do not have an imbalance of brain chemicals just because you like to wear women’s clothing. You can also find a Master’s level therapist – someone with an MSW or the like – but I avoid them. Still I would see an MSW before I saw an MD for something like this every time. But that is my bias – decide for yourself.

Consider seeing a therapist on your own without your wife in addition to the one you see together (this will need to be a separate person). You take your taxes to a professional right? Why not your brain? Going to a therapist does not mean that you are crazy or messed up. It is often beneficial to have the help of a professional to try and integrate parts of our selves in a healthy manner – especially the parts he have spent years denying or trying to hide. I see a therapist occasionally my self – lots of people do – they just don’t tell you about it.

Finally – understand that going to therapy is not a magic bullet, and it is not a magic pill. Going to therapy won’t, on it’s own, “just work.” You have to do the work, and in this case, both you and your wife have to do the work. Think of the therapist as your high school shop teacher who will stand over you and tell you how to use a lathe to make a bowl (or whatever) but who won’t just make the bowl for you. You have to do the work, the Dr. is just there to show you how.

Good luck!


Hope

[PaulaSF]

Second the thoughts re. gender "specialists" as well as the "talk-therapy" vs. "pill pusher."

Another thing to consider is the urge to move as quickly as one can/get an "instant fix" to anything confronting us.

I also think that the effect of peer pressure, even if subconscious, is a biggie: the ole "you're not a 'real' tranny, unless a TS pursuing transitioning.

I think I fell a bit under this, myself, as in my fisrt year of really embracing me inner gal, I considered transitioning, and underwent about a half year of gender therapy, to the point I was going to my appts. dressed, and eligible for my 'mones script.

In my case, I felt like I had come to the edge of a cliff, and was unwilling to take that "leap of faith" into the unknown, so decided to "turn around, and walk back away from that cliff," staying part-time, and integrating my femme self into a total life.

Other contrubuting factors were having a four year old, at the time, son, and wanting him to have a father figure/male presence in his life, and more selfishly, concerns re. remaining orgasmic, post-op (this was about a dozen years ago, and surgical procedures have improved, since then).

I found a Jungian therapist, who meshed well with my own following of Jung (the whole idea of archetypes, clearly "Madonna" & "lady of the evening" being germane here; the "dark side"/yin-yang aspect, which I equated to male/femme aspects of the same self; and the importance of dreams in revealing one's inner workings).

We're lucky, in SF, to have many good therapists to choose from, so I could find a close match to my interests/needs.

It is quite an expensive "row to hoe," so a suggestion, if you have some sort of EAP benefit thru work, go to the "free" therapists for the max five sessions, or whatever is your deal (tho can game the system, by having multiple issues: "couples counseling" "gender ID" "gay/straight" might yield 15 sessions, but doubt the EAP-level counselers will offer you as pin-point results).

Gaining insight to who you are, and what you want, as well as how to best compromise with a long-term partner are all important enough to justify the time & expense, involved. At that point, I was recently single, and a key thing was being upfront, with future potential partners, but that's not applicable to your situation.

I see t-gals I know, seemingly "running in circles" for years, so see, with my own eyes, the value my therapy, years ago, provided me!

cheers,
Paula

[kathrynjanos]

Well, I finally took the plunge and told my wife of 25 years
about Jackie. I made sure that I did it the right way, considering
that is that I didn't tell her before we married. Anyway, we
are going nice and slow, and on the surface it seems like it might
be OK. She isn't really supportive in the sense of helping or anything,
but she also doesn't want a divorce either.

So we decided that we should go see a family counselor/therapist
to help us work through some questions. You know, the "is he gay?"
"Does he want to be a woman?" kind of thing. Anyone have any
advise to offer. I don't really know how much this guy knows about
TG issues and after 40 years of keeping this a secret from everyone,
I'm a little nervous about telling two people in the same week, even
though one loves me and the other isn't supposed to talk about it!

Thanks in advance!
Hugs
Jackie

Research the therapists you'd be considering. Call them and ask them if they have any experience with crossdressing and gender issues. Ask if they have any personal issues with it. Hell, even ask them for their views on the subject! You'll never know until you try. Just give them the straight talk, let them know you're looking for a counselor for yourself and your wife, the issue at hand, some of the questions she has, and typically they should be able to let you know if you can be helped.

Look, honestly, whereas I'm still developing (a scary thing for my girlfriend, no doubt), you're obviously very settled in your crossdressing patterns. If you desire to be a woman, then it could be a problem. If you just express a feminine side complete with clothing, then it's not a big deal. She should be made to understand that this is the extent of it. You are still a man, and wish to remain as such, with her as your understanding wife.

As long as whatever counselor you choose has experience in helping loved ones to cope with the burden this can be, there shouldn't be an issue.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

I have been on the record here for a long time - "I HAVE NO FAITH WHATSOEVER IN COUNSELORS OR THERAPISTS UNLESS THEY ARE CROSSDRESSERS THEMSELVES BECAUSE IF THEY HAVE NOT WALKED IN OUR HIGH HEELS, THERE IS NO WAY THAT THEY COULD EXPERIENCE ALL THAT WE HAVE GONE THROUGH, ARE STILL GOING THROUGH AND WILL GO THROUGH"
Don't talk the talk unless you have been on our walk
JoAnne Wheeler

[kathrynjanos]

I have been on the record here for a long time - "I HAVE NO FAITH WHATSOEVER IN COUNSELORS OR THERAPISTS UNLESS THEY ARE CROSSDRESSERS THEMSELVES BECAUSE IF THEY HAVE NOT WALKED IN OUR HIGH HEELS, THERE IS NO WAY THAT THEY COULD EXPERIENCE ALL THAT WE HAVE GONE THROUGH, ARE STILL GOING THROUGH AND WILL GO THROUGH"
Don't talk the talk unless you have been on our walk
JoAnne Wheeler

Whoa, slow down girl! I'm going to shout you down, my apologies in advance.

DO NOT ACTIVELY SEEK ANOTHER CROSSDRESSER TO BE YOUR COUNSELOR!!!

Sorry, this is just a common sense bit of advice from me here. If your wife believes that a counselor will be of some assistance to her in coming over to your side, do not go out of your way to be super selective, especially by choosing someone who is already on your side. Your wife may feel that you're not giving it a fair shot or that she's being ganged up on.

It'd be like going to a trial for murder and having a psychologist argue for you who'd served time for another murder. If it turns out that the shrink you choose happens to also crossdress and reveals that as part of the therapy, then fine, but I really think that if you did that, it'd just feel like she's being pushed, or that you aren't "serious" about this because you chose someone who'd agree with you outright.

Am I making sense here? I hope so, cause I don't understand myself.

[susiej]

Jackie,

Your visit to a therapist could be a fantastic experience, as mine has been. I was closeted in a marriage for almost 27 years, that just ended in divorce. (No, I don't think my TG-ness had anything to do with it, because I doubt she ever knew). I decided the next lady I get close to is going to know, and hopefully approve/enjoy my Susie side, and I wanted to work all my feelings about this out in advance.

I went to the psychology today website, which has a find-a-therapist system. The system doesn't seem to know that transgenders exist (grrrmmph), but it does know about gays and lesbians, and flags certain therapists with specialty with them. I picked one whose web page I liked -- a woman a bit younger than me -- and shot her an e-mail.

BTW -- for me, it had to be a female therapist. I just couldn't imagine describing my need to be feminine to a guy, for some reason, despite whatever sheepskin he might have on his wall!

I met with her for maybe 10 hours in 7 sessions. We talked about it all, sometimes in rather intimate detail. She was completely non-judgmental, very supportive, and did give me the impression she already knew the basic spectrum of transgenderism in guys before I walked in. I got the feeling she wasn't just putting on a professional attitude of tolerance and understanding, but rather that she was truly tolerant and understanding.

If nothing else, having a real live human being of the female kind, to sit with and talk about this part of me, was a priceless opportunity for me, for up until then, I'd had nobody (other than this forum, of course). This, alone, sort of took away the fear, uncertainty and doubt I felt about discussing this stuff with another lady friend.

After several sessions of frank-and-honest discussion of my feminine nature, and importantly, its extent and edges, I felt ready to tell my new prospective GF (whom I'd known only two weeks) about Susie -- but she dumped me before I got the chance! D'oh! I hate it when that happens!!

But, the major objective had been achieved. I'm not "out" to everybody on the street, but I'm ready to take that big step when I meet someone I really like, and who likes me, and before it gets to the deadly "why didn't you tell me sooner?" !

And, this weekend I joined eHarmony, an online dating service. I added a paragraph in my profile indicating that I think gender is a spectrum, that I fall somewhere in the middle of it, and BTW I enjoy every minute of it! I worked that out with my therapist, and would never have had the nerve otherwise.

Go for it. Don't be shy. Start by telling your deepest, darkest, creepiest secret. He or she will probably nod sagely and keep listening. When I first mentioned to her that I didn't think I was gay, because I still am interested only in women, she quipped, "well, then, your fem side must be a lesbian!".

Hugs,
Susie

[Hope]

Whoa, slow down girl! I'm going to shout you down, my apologies in advance.

DO NOT ACTIVELY SEEK ANOTHER CROSSDRESSER TO BE YOUR COUNSELOR!!!

Sorry, this is just a common sense bit of advice from me here. If your wife believes that a counselor will be of some assistance to her in coming over to your side, do not go out of your way to be super selective, especially by choosing someone who is already on your side. Your wife may feel that you're not giving it a fair shot or that she's being ganged up on.

Am I making sense here? I hope so, cause I don't understand myself.

Absolutely!

Whether or not a counselor crossdresses is really quite irrelevant, because the counselor is not there to give you the answers you need, but to lead you to find your own answers.

And if you give your wife the impression that you are only willing to meet with a counselor who crossdresses - she is going to feel like you are not serious about counseling... or at the very least not interested in her concerns. Not a good place to start. By all means find a counselor you "click" with - and one who is well trained - but leave the extraneous stuff at home.

[Sheila]

firstly hun I am a GG


I guess it's kind of stating the obvious, but if you find a really good therapist it won't matter whether he/she has experience with CD and transgender issues.

yup i agree with Ruth here ........... I am currently in therapy partly(maily) due to the mess my ex made of me with his cding desires/lies, and my therapist is a general therapist, but she has made a huge amount of difference to me and the way she has helped me through all the messed up emotions he caused me


I have been on the record here for a long time - "I HAVE NO FAITH WHATSOEVER IN COUNSELORS OR THERAPISTS UNLESS THEY ARE CROSSDRESSERS THEMSELVES BECAUSE IF THEY HAVE NOT WALKED IN OUR HIGH HEELS, THERE IS NO WAY THAT THEY COULD EXPERIENCE ALL THAT WE HAVE GONE THROUGH, ARE STILL GOING THROUGH AND WILL GO THROUGH"
Don't talk the talk unless you have been on our walk
JoAnne Wheeler

JoaAnne I am sorry but you are wrong hun ... I have not ever been on your walk and I damn well talk the talk .............. there are good and bad therapists, just as there is good and bad in all walks of life, without her input i doubt that i would ever have entertained the idea of ever dating a cdr again after what my ex put me through with it and where his messed up life led me to, instead as you know i remained here as a member, mer Deborah jane (DEbs) and we are getting married on Oct 21st ............ so for a non crossdressing therapist she dun did doggon good :D

Jackie good luck to you and your wife in your journey and if she is willing to look into cding and what it can mean for your relationship, we have a great GG section here in the FAB forum, we would welcome her there and answer her questions as best we can, many of our ladies have been around quite a long time and are wise and wonderful ...... mentioning no names Tamara, Sandra, Di, ReineD, Bev, Dusty angel,and a few others

[NicoleScott]

Ah, but if the counselor is a closet crossdresser....