CDing, (Obsession), and Relationships with SOs

[ReineD]

For those of you who have very little freedom to express yourselves, whether you have not told your SOs or if they know but have no wish to be involved, it is understandable you might need to play out the CDing very much in your minds and online, outside of the few times you might get away with dressing. This post does not apply to you.

I am addressing my questions to those of you who go out and who are or have been in relationships with fully supportive and participating SOs. The supportive SOs are also invited to provide viewpoints. :)

My question: If you do go out and CDress as much as you wish, given your job and where you live, and your SO is as supportive as you would like, is there still a part of you that you wish to keep from her. Do you feel uncomfortable with her knowing the extent to which you engage in all or some of the following:


spend time thinking and fantasizing of clothes and shop online or in real life. No offense intended, but it is acknowledged in many threads a degree of obsession with the clothes. Many of you who are out and about say you have wardrobes that far exceed your SO's, up to 40-50 pairs of shoes, and with accessories to match every outfit.


watch, observe, and obsess over the women you see, online in babe sites and in real life; their beauty, their looks, their bodies, their clothes. True, all men look at women. But it is my observation that CDs are more obsessed than the non-CD GMs I know.


communicate on line with the TG, fetish, or other social networking sites you belong to as it relates to the CDing. And develop friendships, even if just friendly (no sex involved) that your SO does not know of or she does not know the frequency you communicate with them or the degree of closeness you've achieved, even if it is merely an online closeness.


I read in another thread a CD who said that when he didn't feel like dressing, he felt an emptiness .. he felt flat. So is this why there is the obsession; to keep the excitement alive? Does your SO ever have any hope of producing the same feelings in you? If she doesn't, is this why you do not wish her to know the level to which you are engaged in all the activities outside of the actual dressing? Do you think she would not understand, or is there still some part of you that is telling you you cannot fully divulge who you are, lest you be judged negatively?

Oh, and this is an offshoot of my question, regarding the babe-watching. When you are with you SO, is your attention as easily distracted by the women who walk by as it is when you are alone? Or more?

Please consider your answers carefully, and post the way it is, not how you think it should be or would like it to be.

:hugs:

Now something for the SOs to think about:

Do you sometimes feel categorized by your SO ... as in, "I've been happy to spend time with you, but now please leave me alone to do my own thing". Or have you ever sensed, "I can't wait 'til she goes so I can do what I want." Are you OK with this, or have you hardened yourselves .. given up on achieving a level of honesty, closeness, and intimacy with your SO you might have wanted, or have you filled your lives with other things in order to compensate?

I'm not saying that we should all be joined at the hip. In healthy relationships, couples do things together and separately. But the loyalty is to each other and to the relationship, and the each partner has full knowledge of, and accepts their spouses' other activities and the other people in their spouse's lives. My above scenario would apply more to those couples where there is an imbalance. Either it is clear the CD prefers the activities over being with his wife, or their lives have slowly structured over time so as to spend not much time together at all. There seems to be a disconnect .. a while elephant in the room.
:love:

[tamarav]

I dress and go out virtually every day since I now work as a hairstylist. My wife actually helped me decide that working at my obsession might be a good way to keep it from overwhelming my life after my retirement.

My wife is aware of virtually every aspect of my dressing life, she does read posts here and gives me suggestions when I wear something that is not attractive in her eyes. (Unfortunately, she is always right. I look at pictures that I take of the questionable outfits, and after the fog has lifted, the outfit did make my butt look big)

I do all of the things you stated except I don't go the "off-the-wall" sites or visit porn sites. I am actually pretty bland in real life. Dress, off to work, maybe stop and dance if I work late enough, then home to clean up and go to bed. I do prepare all of our meals and do the shopping, it seems the very least I can do since she brings in the lion's share of the income. Since she travels about 60%, I do tend to stay out a bit later than usual, but I carry my cell phone and she calls me every day. If I am not home she knows I am out somewhere.

My obsession has turned into a daily occurence. I am still just as excited every morning as I get dressed, I just have less time to change my mind. When I don't dress for a few days my wife can sense a change in me and tells me she can't wait until I go back to work. I am just antsy.

I told my wife about my CDing 3 years before we got married. She attend numerous CD meetings with me and fully understand where I am at in this field. I am a straight CD, no proclivity to take hormones or transition any more than I already have.

Yes, I am attracted by women that look good. Since I am old and senile, there is no real thought of chasing them down, except to ask them where they got that dress. My wife is often the first to point out a good-looking woman when we are out shopping. She knows my exploration pretty much ends with Viagra or Cialis.


Since I forgot the rest of the questions I will quit with that.

Tami

[Sheila]

Reine i am going to answer this for the realtionship I now have with Debs ..... (long past time to let the other one go.)

I now we are not living tog (YET) but I believe Debs to be as open and honest as she can be, and I know that if at any given time I asked (by word or look) for Male Debs to be there he would be, be it for an hour or a month ................. we both acknowledge that there will be things we do tog and things we will do seperately in our life tog . i will back him or her 100% in his/her chosen desires as often as I am able and I know he/she will do the same for me

Perhaps we are lucky in a way that we live so far apart, it has meant that we have taken the time to "talk" to each other, in ways that perhaps we would not have done if we lived just a few miles apart ....... the mental rapport between us is amazing. ............... this last 3 weeks has been so hard on us both ....... now calls and webcam are just not enough anymore, now that we have spent some time being tog 24/7.
But those sources of contact have allowed us to get to know each other, and really know each other.

We both acknowledge the fact that we have past histories and those histories include kids with other partners, we both agree that parental responsability is with the natural parents first and foremost, but in us being a couple some of the responsabilities will automatically include considering each others extended families, and in Debs's case her Ex ,whom her children live with.

We will not be an island, both of us, as individuals have our rights, wants, & needs, and we have those same rights, wants & needs as a couple, the trick is to try to do the best balancing act possible for both us and those involved in our lives.

hope this answers some of what you were looking for from an SO's point of view

[kathtx]

Reine, I found your questions interesting because the made me realize how my answers have changed over time. Until I'd come to accept myself fully, I'd have said yes, I do feel uncomfortable with some of those things. But for about ten years, I've not felt uncomfortable or embarrassed about my desire for dressing or any of that. At this point I don't feel like there's some line beyond which I can't talk to my wife about these things, but it
hasn't always been that way.


[I read in another thread a CD who said that when he didn't feel like dressing, he felt an emptiness .. he felt flat. So is this why there is the obsession; to keep the excitement alive? Does your SO ever have any hope of producing the same feelings in you?

Oh yes.


Oh, and this is an offshoot of my question, regarding the babe-watching. When you are with you SO, is your attention as easily distracted by the women who walk by as it is when you are alone? Or more?


When I read this, I laughed... not that it's a silly question or anything, but because it was *my wife*, not *me* who once drove the car over a curb while girl-watching. :laughing: My attention is no more attracted by the lovely babes than is hers. It's good for a couple to have mutual interests ;).

[Di]

As for the s o questions I have only felt leave me alone to do my own thing" WHEN its the in between getting ready from guy mode to Sher....wants/ needs her own space..........so I just do my own thing go to the store, read, whatever. Never felt categorized by my SO .
And I am going to answer the babe watching question ...we both look alot....and talk about omg did you see those boots or omg those shoes looked horrible with that dress lol lol so I am sure she looks when I am not around.

[Bridged]

Another SO's Pov.........

I haven't felt what you are describing since my husband has told me about CDing. I certainly felt it BEFORE there was an honesty about it. Something along the lines of

Me: "Honey, I took the night off of work so we could spend some time together, it's been a while"

Him: "Oh, your not working tonight GRREATT! But your working tomorrow RIGHT?"

As far as "babe watching" it's never bothered me, and I fall into the same category as the others, it's usually me that points out an attractive female. I don't know why, maybe it's my way of letting him know that "looking" is okay. I know that whether he liked it or not, I'm not going to stop noticing good looking men!! human nature I think

[Sandra]

The SOs question

Nope I've never felt categorized.

As for the babe watching, I guess we both do this and comment to each other about the clothing, I'll admit I guy watch as well :) my thoughts are "look but don't touch"

[suchacutie]

I always get a kick out of watching other people. It's free entertainment! When my wife and I are together, we both point out things about others and discuss them whether it be clothes or makeup or just something odd! She knows I'm on this forum and read all I can to help Tina's exploration. When I find something of interest I will bring it up to her. A lot of what I find is redundant, so that's stuff that only I see.

I like doing this together and I don't think it generates any more or less material that we don't share directly, and there's no attempt at hiding things since I do want her opinion.

tina

[justmetoo]

I'm learning to be more comfortable with who I am, which means also being more comfortable with an SO knowing who I am. I know I still have quite a ways to go, though. I'm very shy and private by nature, so opening up and being that vulnerable isn't easy for me.

While I am currently not in a relationship I was happy to spend time with my girlfriend when I was in a relationship. But then we were doing the long distance thing and only able to be together a few times a year. If anything, she was the one who talked more about not wanting to be together all of the time (for example, she had said if we had been able to live in the same town she would've been hesitant to share the same house full time). But then she had had a nasty divorce a few years previously.

As far as looking at other women, when my ex and I were together my attention was on her. Yes, I do notice other women and I also enjoy people-watching from time to time, but I wouldn't let that get in the way of making her my primary focus.