Crossdressing and self image

[jruiz]

Well, I hope not to bore you with a story about myself...

When I was a kid, I really sucked at sports. At every sport. A very disappointed father and some cruel comments made me feel as a total sissy. My self esteem as a male was pretty hurt.

Also being short, wearing glasses and stutterer was not very helpful. Around age 12, I was convinced that I would never have a girlfriend. It was very depressing.

I experimented with some of my mother's clothes since age 8, but the real crossdressing started with puberty.

I tried some women clothes and I loved what I saw (in contrast with the hated image of self as a guy).

I'm heterosexual, and it is very easy to me to know when a woman looks great, so it was easy to me to notice how good I looked (back then), as a girl.

My worst crisis was when I was around 14. I wanted to crossdress all time. It was a total turn on. I neglected school, almost repeated that grade. I also was really confused, because back them and without Internet, I thought that I was gay (despite not liking guys). It was a very confusing period, full of guilt, shame and confusion.

After a while, I was caught: my mother started to look for a missing zebra lycra shorts (hey, it was the 80's!. I loved those...), and she managed to find the little collection of clothes (all stolen) that I had.

They took me to a shrink, I pretended I was OK and cured, and I didn't crossdress for a long while. After that, my crossdressing was very occasional.

My image as a man improved: I happened not to be that bad looking after all, started to get female attention, and got a couple of girlfriends. But my self-image was still low. Very insecure, lost a lot of opportunities with girls I liked just because of my low self esteem.

This low self esteem was somehow healed when I fantasized or looked at myself in a mirror as a woman.

Then I met and got married with the most wonderful woman in the entire world (I mean it), and the urge went away for a while. Only occasionally the urge came back.

But then, about 6 years ago, it appeared again. A lot of stress at work and at home triggered it. I bought a lot of clothes, a wig, makeup, and fantasized with leaving home and crossdressing full time.

Again, this disappeared for about 3 years. I was overweight by this time, and decided to care what I eat and to workout. The change in my body was great. I got really slim, flat belly, and my image as a man really improved.

The thing is, that my image as a woman improved as well... I look as I never had before.

I started to lift weights to get a more masculine image. I don't look as good right now (as a girl), and I'm much happier with my male body. Still fell the urge, and will try to make a big effort to look as good as possible as a girl by buying the right clothes and accessories.

If the girly me is not convincing or good looking despite the effort, then I will probably be disappointed and quit crossdressing. My male image would have been "the winner". At least as long as I can keep this image (which takes a lot of effort).

Keep tuned...

But my theory is that I crossdress because I was a very insecure guy, who felt more comfortable with the more sensitive and better looking "lady me". And after a while, it became a habit.

What do you think?

[Paula_S]

I'm sure most readers will relate to your desires to dress from a young age, although I personally was lucky enough to never get caught...

I would also say you should not 'give up' CDing if you 'are not convincing or good looking'. It's very hard to even attempt to come close to GGs in the first place, there are whole industries based around ways to get your closer to that, and no-one should permanently turn their back on something they love to do. You could always just not do it for a few months, etc...?

I think you feel more comfortable with the better-looking 'lady you' because your post suggest you have always wanted to dress...

Obviously you have your marriage as your first priority. You don't say whether your wife knows or is accepting...?

[jruiz]

Hi Paula,

My wife doesn't know nor would accept.

I've been disappointed lately and just looking a guy in a dress in the mirror. If I make an effort and it doesn't change, I guess that I will be done, or at least the illusion (and urge) will get lower, as it has happened in the past...

I'm trying it as an strategy to quit crossdressing. Let's see if it works...

[msginaadoll]

I understand your post. I was always the weak little runt as a kid. I was picked on a lot. My parents were divorced and was raised in a family of all women. In elementary school till junior high was picked on, kind of an outcast and always unsure of self. I liked girls but unsure of how to relate. Never went on a date until college. Took me awhile to figure out where I fit in as a man. Never was sure why women were interested in me- I guess low self esteem. Was kind of weird when started dressing fully and getting compliments from men and other cds. Felt strange though very flattering. Still not sure of myself as a cd. As mentioned in another post. See myself as Fred Flintstone in drag.

[Susan.]

My story is different, but not really. While I played sports and was about average heigth I had self esteem issues. My mother wanted a girl and was pretty controlling and overbearing. My dad was shorter than her and about her weight and he was an beta male.

I know when I have a good body image I too am more masculine and crossdress less. I'm well overweight right now and the pink fog has been working overtime.

[docrobbysherry]

Should CDs work out regularly, and have a trim, muscle-y manish body?

Or, let ourselves go, and have a softer, rounder, more fem shape?:brolleyes:

I like looking and feeling trim, as a man. It also helps, if u wish to attract GGs. But, muscles look TERRIBLE on me, en fem!:doh:

Dammed if I do, dammed if I don't!:heehee:

[RachelTVG]

I was always skinny as a kid and even as an adult I've stayed pretty slim (5'11" 135lbs). To be totally honest i actually think I look better in female clothes.

[IDealinDreams]

Should CDs work out regularly, and have a trim, muscle-y manish body?

Or, let ourselves go, and have a softer, rounder, more fem shape?:brolleyes:

I like looking and feeling trim, as a man. It also helps, if u wish to attract GGs. But, muscles look TERRIBLE on me, en fem!:doh:

Dammed if I do, dammed if I don't!:heehee:

Actually, it's funny that this thread exists and that you posted this particular message, because I was going to write a crazy new thread about what I am currently doing to myself in the name of feminine-ness, but now I don't have to! Lovely!

Okay, I am not stupid, and am quite aware that what I am doing will probably garner concern/flaming from people on these boards, but quite frankly, I don't care. Tonight, I have begun the war on sanity.

Basically, as I've stated in other threads, I have never cross dressed before, but I really want to. However, if I cannot do it to the point of not only being passable, but also looking good, then I do not want to do it at all. Now, if you've seen the thread where I linked to my myspace pictures, you'd know that I'm a pretty thin guy to begin with, which is good I guess if you intend to cross dress. Great, right? There's a small problem though.

See, a while back, a friend convinced me to work out with him, and this desire to be feminine was only starting to arise in me... so I did, figuring I'd get big (like him) and get all the wonderful rewards that go along with it. We started working out very heavily, and I already started to see signs of progress... and then I realized I wanted nothing to do with being a big, jacked up masculine guy.

Because of the little amount of working out I did, however, I actually gained a small amount of muscle. Not enough to be significant in any way, except, however, if I were to cross dress. My once beautiful, scrawny little girly arms now had a decent amount of swell to the biceps. Again, nothing big at all, except for a cross dresser.

This is unacceptable, however, if I really want to be at my best as a cross dresser. So I have decided that the muscle has to go - via any means necessary. Now I am no expert, but I believe that the only way to completely (well, as completely as you can, anyway) lose muscle is to starve yourself to the point where the body has nothing else to supply it energy, so it starts eating away at your muscles to sustain itself.

So, I have decided that I am going to fast for two days, eat one small meal on the third day, fast another two days, and then decide my course of action on the sixth day, based on my results.

Now again, I am no idiot; I realize that this will not be easy, and I also realize that success is not guaranteed. Like I said, I'm no expert, and maybe there is really no way for me to lose the little bit of muscle I have sadly gained... but boy, am I going to try!

So again, before you flame me, understand that yes, I do realize this is a questionable idea at best, but also understand that I will do anything to be a truly great cross dresser. Besides, it's mind over matter, anyway; two days of fasting will not be the death of me.

[Lisa Golightly]

Yes I had a rubbish guy image... I developed noticeable breasts at 13 which mean't I copped a whole load of bullying at school... Cheers guys... like I needed that as well! It often felt as if my dressing was merely reactionary and I was being directed into it by my unhappiness... and I looked and felt better as a girl... which meant I did it more...

Then I'd have this huge... male... backlash. Which eventually would collapse in a smoking ruin... Awwwww... I did try so hard, but I couldn't fight my destiny.

So different road... different issues... but similar reactions.

Oh, I had some zebra leggings back then... and I looked good in them... lol :)

[Michelia]

I think you are putting too much emphasis on looks. It is good to be in shape.

But if you already transformed yourself into this macho guy whose image you are happy with, and you have a great wife, why worry so much about your male image anymore?

Feel good as a male being a good husband, parent, provider, whatever.

All this emphasis on muscles is a cultural phenomenon of our times.

And them be girly or macho depending on what you like and feel. Not on how you look!

[marny]

I doubt it will make you feel any better hon, but it always feels good to share!

[Satrana]

Your theory is similar to mine. I think many CDs start off with having issues with their male selves - they have low self-esteem because they are not the tough assertive person they are supposed to be. This then leads the boy to check the other side of the gender fence and he realizes the pressures and responsibilities of manhood which he doubts he can live up to would be a non issue if he "became" a girl.

By backing away from the masculine role the young CD automatically moves closer to the feminine role which is more comforting and accepting. Once he has crossed the mental fence line he then gets drawn in and enticed by all the magic of femininity.

I think you are wrong to believe that if you buffed up and had a better masculine look this would cure your crossdressing habits. What CDing does is reveal that we always had a feminine side to our personalities - all men do - so the fence was nothing more than a mental block erected by society's gender conditioning precisely to prevent boys from learning about their own femininity.

You cannot unlearn this knowledge. The desire to express your own femininity will be with you for the rest of your life.

[KarenS]

I would likely by most opinions not pass AT-ALL. From the waist up and with my age as it is, I see myself as pretty typical as a male. A little too much belly, wider shoulders, overweight, thicker neck, too much hair in all the wrong places and all of that stuff. But, I feel very different as Karen. I also can note some personality differences when I am dressed. Frankly, I think most people would likely say the personality differences are much more preferable when I am Karen rather than in drab mode. I am more gentle, caring, and less aggressive. I like Karen far, far better than myself in this regard. The appearance is something I value but it isn't everything for me - far from it.

I have also found occasional disgust with myself for wanting to crossdress and purged everything, swearing I'd never do it again. But in teh past I have eventually caved in again at some point in an un-stoppable urge to pull up some panties, clasp the bra straps back on, and slip back into some stockings and heels (and all the rest). The more I try to transform, the more I realize I can't stop. That is until I feel guilty and depressed about it all and purge again. And again only to want later to enjoy the tender, softer inner feelings I can experience only as Karen.

It's a vicious circle - in and out of the pink fog.

I have thought so many times that I was not just different, but definately out-of-wack because I dress. It has often been very hard to deal with. Over the years I have accepted my 'issues' more and more until I don't purge very frequently anymore. It has helped enormously to simply be able to share thoughts and ideas about crossdressing with others. For years I was in a closet with a bank vault door. Now, with the help of forums like this, I am feeling much better about myself. To the extent that I have revealed Karen to a couple of people. With that honesty has come significant emotional release and newfound freedom.

[Kelsy]

I just cannot fit into the male world as much as I have tried! That is the point I was born male but I was not equipped emotionally or physicologocally to fit naturally as a male. I did learn to play the part well enough to funtion but that's all it was playing a part.

Kelsy

[Kate Simmons]

The real key to success is self confidence as a person. We have to get out of our heads that we HAVE to be either male of female. We can be both or neither. Who and what we are as a person is what really counts. The rest is just "window dressing" and "glitter". Once we realize that we understand that how we decide to present is totally our own choice.:)

[Noreenw]

I fit your story. I began dressing in junoir high and that period through high school were horrible for me. I tried to be macho and play sports, but I was never good at it and the guys made cruel jokes. Then I began to dress I think because it made me feel closer to girls who otherwise I idolized and were too embarrassed to approach

[Chari]

We all have to find that point where we are comfortable and confident in who we are, regardless of what attire we wear. For me the projected image is between the ears - not between the legs!

[Nicole Erin]

I feel better about myself in my femme side more than the male one.
Some people CD or transition [ts] cause they feel they failed as a man. That is part of why I do it.

Yeah I was crappy at sports, I was one of the nerdy kids, got picked on a lot, got called fag or some other degrading synonym for "gay" on a regular basis. I tried to be masculine, it just didn't work.

[Michelia]

Funny, I always thought it was the opposite. I thought it was hearkening back to prehistoric times when it actually mattered to have muscles. Apparently most women today aren't keen on them anyway, and as for muscles on a woman - yech!

So I just can't understand why anyone should care about being 'big'. I'd say get slim anough to be fit (BMI for men less than 25) and let the rest go hang.


Here in the states, guys go to the gym to get muscle to "look more masculine" or under the theory that all that muscle will increase your metabolism. This is called being "ripped" so you can show off at the beach and be a hunk. Ironically, it has become "de rigueur" in the gay community, precisely because there is this thinking that somehow by increasing your muscular mass you are more of a man and less of a sissy. Which conversely just proves it does not make you more of anything.

Sooner or later all that bulk is more demanding on your heart.

Even in prehistoric times, muscle for muscles sake, would have been detrimental. Other things such as speed, agility, endurance, and maybe even some brains - would have also mattered for survival.

[Karren H]

So many different reasons and not one commom denominator.. I excelled in every sport I tried.. Lettered in most.. Asked to try out for college football.. Confident male... Just confident in female atire.. I'm me no matter what clothes I wear.. I just like to look pretty!! Lol

[jruiz]

I think you are putting too much emphasis on looks. It is good to be in shape.

But if you already transformed yourself into this macho guy whose image you are happy with, and you have a great wife, why worry so much about your male image anymore?

Feel good as a male being a good husband, parent, provider, whatever.

All this emphasis on muscles is a cultural phenomenon of our times.

And them be girly or macho depending on what you like and feel. Not on how you look!

:) I guess that my image as a male is important to me because girls care about their image :tongueout

I'm not into being all bulky and ripped off. I like to show some definition.

I totally agree with you, being a good father and a good husband is by far much more important.

[sissystephanie]

Should CDs work out regularly, and have a trim, muscle-y manish body?

Or, let ourselves go, and have a softer, rounder, more fem shape?:brolleyes:

I like looking and feeling trim, as a man. It also helps, if u wish to attract GGs. But, muscles look TERRIBLE on me, en fem!:doh:

Dammed if I do, dammed if I don't!:heehee:

Robby, I don't know where you work out, but at the YMCA where I work out there are some might fine looking ladies who spuend a lot of time working out!

In other words, a man can work out and still have a nice feminine body! It all depends on the exercises you choose to do!

I was brought up to be confident of myself, no matter what. As my dear departed father used to say, "if you are going to be a Crook, be a rich one!" That self confidence has helped me thru many ordeals. It did let me down when my wife died, but along came a wonderful GG who helped me through that period. You have to be able to look in the mirror, no matter how you are dressed, and be happy with what you see.

[jruiz]

Robby, I don't know where you work out, but at the YMCA where I work out there are some might fine looking ladies who spuend a lot of time working out!

In other words, a man can work out and still have a nice feminine body! It all depends on the exercises you choose to do!


Well, if a lady follow the same routine as a man, she won't develop manly muscles because she has not the frame or hormones to build them.

And it also depends on genetics. A guy with normal hormone levels, will only develop as a big bodybuilder (without steroids) if he has the genes for it.

[MichelleP]

Hi Jruiz,

I'm sorry to break it to you but, there will be no male winner vs. female winner. The feminine feelings you have will always be with you along with the male feelings. As someone else already said here, everything else is pretty much window dressing. That's right.

There are plenty of examples of "us" making all sorts of masculine excuses which are just psychological strategies to downplay our feminine selves. "If I bulk up with weights, I won't fantasize about wearing that pretty set of heels I saw in the mall anymore". "Getting married will make me forget about that cute business woman look I've always admired". "Playing rugby will not give me enough time to even think about the feel of pantyhose on my legs". Riiight. Ultimately, you may be successful at marginalizing your feminine feelings and never dress again but those feelings will always be there.

Here's another kind of psychological tack I started on as a tgirl (I dislike the word "crossdresser" because its limiting. There's more to me than just the clothes and makeup, baby). I have a lot of history as a young person wearing girls things but that's another story. As an Adult, I got into this stupid mindset of: "If I just put these stockings on, I'll see that my legs don't look like other girls' legs... If I try this makeup on, I'll finally see that I just look stupid and I'll quit all this... If I go ahead a dress fully, I'll see that I can't pass and I'll give up... If I go out this one time, I'll get scared and see how ridiculuous I look..."

Uhhh so far this strategy hasn't worked but I willing to keep on trying to make it work!!!

Michelle

[jruiz]

Hi Jruiz,

I'm sorry to break it to you but, there will be no male winner vs. female winner. The feminine feelings you have will always be with you along with the male feelings. As someone else already said here, everything else is pretty much window dressing. That's right.

There are plenty of examples of "us" making all sorts of masculine excuses which are just psychological strategies to downplay our feminine selves. "If I bulk up with weights, I won't fantasize about wearing that pretty set of heels I saw in the mall anymore". "Getting married will make me forget about that cute business woman look I've always admired". "Playing rugby will not give me enough time to even think about the feel of pantyhose on my legs". Riiight. Ultimately, you may be successful at marginalizing your feminine feelings and never dress again but those feelings will always be there.

Here's another kind of psychological tack I started on as a tgirl (I dislike the word "crossdresser" because its limiting. There's more to me than just the clothes and makeup, baby). I have a lot of history as a young person wearing girls things but that's another story. As an Adult, I got into this stupid mindset of: "If I just put these stockings on, I'll see that my legs don't look like other girls' legs... If I try this makeup on, I'll finally see that I just look stupid and I'll quit all this... If I go ahead a dress fully, I'll see that I can't pass and I'll give up... If I go out this one time, I'll get scared and see how ridiculuous I look..."

Uhhh so far this strategy hasn't worked but I willing to keep on trying to make it work!!!

Michelle

Hi Michelle,

Actually, I agree with you. The turn off of not looking as I expected is typical just before a long period without "the urge". This is my actual strategy. I plan to go to a transformation service to see if I'm disappointed.

I don't plan to kill the feminine feelings, I'd just like to stop dressing. Clothes don't define a man, and I guess that it doesn't define a woman etiher :battingeyelashes::battingeyelashes::battingeyelas hes:

By the way: rugby players many times shave their legs for taping and massages, so not sure if it would help of get things worst :heehee::heehee::heehee: