"Why are you competing with me"!

[Jess_cd32]

Thats what my SO said yesterday when I came downstairs and was dressed. I walked into the kitchen to make coffee and she was in the other room. I told her I'm dressed out here just so you know. I'm sure she heard my heels clicking on the floor. She went totally ballistic!

I got the usual derogotory remarks we get as cd's again, then she screams "why are you competing with me"!
That I was shocked to hear, that she was actually thinking that. I explained this isn't competition with you, I've been doing this most of my life, before I even knew you.

I guess we should never underestimate what our SO's may be thinking, but this to me was so far out and off base, we need to definatly talk more here, I don't want her thinking something like that, its so untrue.
Usually its I talk, she doesn't listen:doh:

Any similar statements/ responses from your SO's?

[MJ]

well jess all i can say is talk , talk and talk some more. lack of understanding can cause many problems. i wish you both all the very best :hugs:

[Debutante]

Yes, MJ, I agree: talk, talk, and get to the bottom of feelings... anf explain what you feel and do.

My wife, a therapist no less, had similar feelings, and felt I was competing with her.
"There is only room for one woman in this house!", she said.
Well...! Let's not upset the Goddess of the Household!
She was missing my point and needs....but of course she couldn't understand it all... I was not in competiton with her. She felt threatened.
I said: "I am emulating a woman... I see that as a CDer, I could never BE the woman YOU are... having been born, growing up as a girl, enculturating, etc".
And in saying that, I realized how much a woman SHE is, and that the best I could do is emulate the best of womanhood, even though it may be shallow at first...
Value your wives and SOs... and see the depth of them as well!

[Sara Jessica]

No matter what kind of gender issues our SO's put up with us, it can never be lost that this is something that is extraordinarily difficult for them to get their head around. If it were easy, these pages would be littered with tales of acceptance and bliss as the norm.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

Is it possible that your SO feels that you might look better than she does? Reading minds is unfortunately not one of the amazing powers of crossdressing, but you may want to probe into that thought somehow if you can get her to open up a little.

I would suspect that your feminine appearance has gone beyond the beauty she may have once thought possible from a man. Even though she throws out "the usual derogatory remarks", I suggest that you get her talking about her feelings on her own appearance in contrast to yours. Whether or not she is accepting, make sure she understands that you find her attractive and that you're not competing with her. Also let her know that a crossdresser, much like a real woman, longs to look her very best and like what she sees in the mirror. It's not about competition, but rather being happy with one's feminine appearance. :)

It is interesting to me that you posted about this today. Just this morning, as my wife and I lay in bed together before getting up, I made sure she understood a few things about my own crossdressing. I long to look more feminine than I do, and that I don't want her to ever feel threatened by that. She is supportive in my desire to appear more feminine and understands that I'm not trying to out-do her. I believe that is because I have been slowly telling her more and more about myself and checking to see how she feels about it along the way. And I know that in my case, I'm very lucky to have an accepting wife... more accepting than I could have ever hoped for.

You will get there too, Jess. I truly feel that you will. Your SO is fighting it because she doesn't understand. Maybe she never will... but I wouldn't give up trying to work with her. I hope you're able to keep your cool when the insults fly. Shooting insults back will quickly shut down any chance for good communication. Being understanding of her difficulty accepting your crossdressing will benefit you. Showing her that your crossdressing is an amazing part of who you are (a beautiful gift you possess) is essential.

If only your SO knew the additional benefits of having a crossdressing man in her life could bring her. It truly is the best of both worlds, and then some. Find a way, Jess. Find a way to share that experience with her. Make her a part of it. There is no competition, only the desire to look your best and share it with her.

[Billijo49504]

You could tell her you are not in competition with her, but imitating her. As is the greatest form of complement...BJ

[Sara Jessica]

If only your SO knew the additional benefits of having a crossdressing man in her life could bring her. It truly is the best of both worlds, and then some. Find a way, Jess. Find a way to share that experience with her. Make her a part of it. There is no competition, only the desire to look your best and share it with her.

Beautifully said Gabrielle, your entire post. But are there really any additional benefits of having a TG significant other?

Sure, where there's a high degree of acceptance the benefits can be plenty. Don't get me wrong, I could easily list a dozen (even though I don't live in that world...mine is one of tolerance). But for many (most?) of us, any potential benefit is outweighed by the fact that life would be sooooooo much simpler for all involved if the TG issues never existed.

[docrobbysherry]

---, then it could be a problem!:sad:

I've told just one person I dress. An old girlfriend, who I still see every now and then. She knows I get gratification from dressing. At first, she said my pics were, "cute", and had no problems with my CDing.

Now, she seems to be getting jealous of Sherry! And has said my dressing could be a "problem" for her!:doh:

Unfortunately, I can't satisfactorily explain to her, or anyone, WHY I dress!
Maybe you'll have better luck with that?:brolleyes:

[susie evans]

my wife of many years has learned to use ths CDing as a benifit for a lot of things the key is comunication and the balance witch are the hard parts and require constent work

:hugs:susie

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Jess,

This seems to suggest that your wife feels threatened by your dressing. Could it be that she's afraid? ... afraid of losing the man she fell in love with and having him replaced with a girlfriend? Or afraid that somehow you are going to take her place (the feminine one) in the relationship?

If you have the opportunity to do so, you should try to make your partner aware of the positive aspects of your crossdressing, whatever those may be for you. You are not dressing to compete with her or take her place. Help her to understand that many of your best qualities reside with your feminine side—qualities such as sensitivity, tenderness, empathy, helpfulness, and patience. Make sure she knows that expressing your femininity makes you feel relaxed, happy, and fulfilled, while suppressing it causes stress, anxiety, and irritability. You're no different than the partner she's always known ... only your clothes have changed.

Hugs
Rachel

[Di]

First I want to say I do not know you and your partner and how the two of you interact with each other. BUT the first thought I had when I read "Why are you competing with me" Is I have heard this in the past from so's where they feel like their cd partner only thinks and or prefers their girl side to that of the s.o. and she might feel insecure. You totally might not be doing that but she still might feel that...so as everyone said talk...and help her feel she is the number one girl in your life.:hugs:

[AKAMichelle]

I have heard it too. I have tried without much luck to change her mind, but she still feels this way. I think it goes to them being the Princess and getting all of the neat jewelry and other gifts. Now you want the same things which means less for them. That is as far as I have gotten in my understanding.

Wish you well

[Holly]

First and foremost, a marriage is not a competition... at any level. If either partner has this impression, then their vision is flawed and needs to be re-evaluated. As many of the others have said, there needs to some honest dialog and loving reassurences for both.

[Bev06 GG]

If only your SO knew the additional benefits of having a crossdressing man in her life could bring her. It truly is the best of both worlds, and then some. Find a way, Jess. Find a way to share that experience with her. Make her a part of it. There is no competition, only the desire to look your best and share it with her.
And pray tell me what are they

[Tasha McIntyre]

Hey Jess

Yeah, a couple of nights ago after a long conversation, my wife wanted to see photos of Tash. She knew I dressed, but had never seen me with make up or hair.


"why are you competing with me"!

Any similar statements/ responses from your SO's?

After seeing the photos, my wife (with a small resigned kind of voice) said that I probably look better than she does!

Although not made in an aggressing manner, that statement was a competitive one......analysis, comparison and critical self evaluation. She was at that moment in passive competition mode, and I knew it.

All I could say in response was, that isn't my aim - and BTW I totally don't agree with you. Both were truthful answers, she just had to hear them.


I guess we should never underestimate what our SO's may be thinking, we need to definatly talk more here.

Yes yes emphatically yes. Get her to ask questions if you can, it's a tried and true method of getting someone to listen to you.

Good luck

Tash :)

[Areyan]

It is possible that your wife feels threatened by your crossdressing, and if those really are your legs in your pic, little wonder! I too have a slim and gorgeous CDer and sometimes it does feel sad seeing him look fantastic as a woman when I've had years of stretch-marks and other unsightly skin issues as a result of having children.

I'm still learning to accept this with my partner and I love him to bits, but yes, as for all these wonderful things it can bring to my relationship with him, I'd love to know what they are. I've seen so many post about this but I have yet to experience it in my own relationship and I've been with my CDer for 3 years before finding out about it. So far a lot of talking, listening, research, shopping and tears has happened and some very small exploration into what this could mean for his (sorry, our) sex life. Yes, sometimes your SO may feel as though she doesn't really matter.... I guess that's why some call it the "pink fog".

[jillleanne]

And pray tell me what are they

Well the first one is obvious; a wardrobe full of clothing, shoes, etc. Another is the ability to discuss girl stuff that you normally would not discuss with a man. Did I mention shopping yet? Compassion, patience, understanding all come to mind. How many men get irate waiting for his s/o to finish getting ready? But not gender enhanced people as they are usually the last one ready anyway. Either way, I allow as much time as necessary, always. due to understanding the necessity of getting ready.

[Angie G]

You must really push her buttons when you dress Is this common from her.:hugs:
Angie

[sissystephanie]

And pray tell me what are they

Many times CD's are much more sensitive then men who aren't CD's! And in my own case, my late wife, who was totally supportive, almost always took me clothes shopping so I could pick out her outfits. I always thought it strange since my color sense is terrible, but she said I had a better eye for what blouse looked better with what skirt, etc., then she did. She never mentioned me being in competition with her, since I left no doubt in her mind that I was her guy! Regardless of what I had on!!

As others have said, communication is the key. And it must be honest communication. Let your SO know that you are NOT competing with her, because you are NOT a woman! Tell her you like to dress like a woman only because you like the look, but that you still her MAN! Above all, don't push the dressing! If you truly love her take it slow and easy, it is not that hard to do. Remember, she is a person too and deserves respect, just as you do.

[Intertwined]

Almost everyone so far has had great input, I find myself wanting to comment "Quote" something from almost everyone, but, lets try this.

Because of my wifes physical condition, there are things I can wear that she can't anymore, so of course it makes her uncomfortable to not only see me wearing them, but to even see them in a closet.

The last thing I want is to make her uncomfortable or unhappy, . . . . this has got me thinking, I need to work harder at making sure my stuff is out of sight.

And a BIG Thank You to Akira Shaolin and Bev06 GG, and the rest of the GG's for sticking with your CDers, in so many different ways, its got to be hard, confusing, difficult, fustrating and even embarrasing at times.

[Sally2005]

You said she doesn't listen and you talk. My advice, stop talking and start listening to her. Instead of debating her, ask questions and don't talk until she is finished. Ask her what exactly makes her feel like it is a competition.

Maybe she feels like she must compete to get your attention.

[celeste88]

Remember the one about the donkey who wore a dead lion's skin on his back and walked around, scaring people? Then when the donkey tried to roar, all that came out was a donkey bray and people laughed, realised that it was a donkey and not a lion, and were no longer afraid.

Moral of the story is: Clothes don't make a person, your talk gives you away.

Relevance to this post? I have seen many people posting about how CDers are supposed to be kinder than 'average' men. I disagree. Putting on clothes does not change a person, and if it does, then the person has issues that need to be addressed. Frustration at not being able to do something that one wants is no reason or excuse to treat our loved ones badly.

That is a little off the topic, but in response to the O/P, I too agree that most women would be really threatened by your appearance, as you look great, but you already know that.

What I have realised is that with anything (not just dressing), a partner will become jealous when they feel left out. If you make your dressing all about yourself, it naturally follows that your SO will feel left out.

I work very very long hours and hardly have any free time. I can make myself look like a woman from head to toe (apart from the cleavage) but I have not done so in YEARS. Reason why? Because I prioritise. I put my SO first, and as a result, I have not had problems (yet, touch wood).

The day I put my needs first is the day our relationship will run in to problems. I don't know if this addresses your situation but I hope it makes some sense.

Celeste

[Jess_cd32]

TY everyone for your input, I'm glad to see that she isn't the only one that has had that thought, it must be more common than I thought.
To answer a few questions, no it has nothing to do with sex, that aspect I don't even go there with her, I know what the result would be:doh:

I've got a pretty thick skin so her nasty comments I totally understand why she says what she does, I don't argue with her over what she says. I just tell her you really don't understand why I do this so talk to me, ask me questions.

Last night I told her before bed that soon we're going to talk more about this, that it really bothers me alot her thinking this. Some I think could be comming from both of us getting older and showing some signs of it.
It is harder for a woman than a man to go thru this ageing process. She laughed the other day in the bathroom we were both using when I said WTH, I've got cellulite on my a**, she laughed her butt off and said see now you know how I feel:heehee:

I hope no one feels offended by what she says, she just lacks knowledge of us in general like alot of our SO's and if you got to know her she's a genuine sweetheart overall. She didn't bargain for this so I approach it in that respect and keep that formost in mind.

I think some of her feelings are, what if anyone finds out he's a cd, I'd be so embarressed that I'm with him, they'll think I'm a weirdo. That I can understand I guess, but she worries way to much about what others think of her, me I could give a rats a** as I see most people living their lives how they want and don't care what anyone may say.

She did surprise me the other day, I bought some heels and picked her up two pairs. One didn't fit so she went back to the store with me knowing the SA probably knew I was a cd, that surprised me. We had a great day going out to eat after etc... . She even said lets go shoe shopping again soon:)

Our SO's tolerating or accepting us is really alot to ask sometimes, I'll give her time, and also let her know the girl in the mirror is just an illusion, your the real deal and the one I truly love. She's a great girl and we'll get thru this, this is nothing compared to what we've endured together so I'm confidant in us making it.
I do try to include her in my cd'ing, I've asked her can you do my face because you know how and I don't, NO WAY!!! has been the answer so far:doh:

We're going to talk soon even if I have to tie her down in her chair to get her to listen, or better yet have her start asking the questions as was suggested. ty for the replies.

[sarahNZ]

I have heard all to well the comments of "why are you compeating with me" In my eyes I was not compeating with anyone! I thought to myself "this is not a race is it? or a popularity contest?" if it was she would have certainly won!

A little while ago I asked her about this "competition" that we were supposedly in, and this was her answer in a round about way!...

The competition that she felt was not such as you or I would know of, but an internal struggle in her mind that I was constantly trying to "out do her", the fact that I like to wear high heels and other sexy things etc etc blah blah... She had it in her mind that I expected her to step up to the plate so to speak and wear the same things all the time. which was not the case at all, she was just fine the way she is!

Her seeing me in such a way made her instinctively feel like less of a woman, be it through a misconstrued thought that I wanted her to wear these "sexy things" all the time or what, I just don't know. I think it was more to do with the fact that she saw me as competition to see who was the most feminine. this I will say was furthest from my mind, lets face it a GG will beat the pants off me in a who is the most feminine contest any day of the week! She doesn't have to try half as hard to get twice the result I ever would.

[celeste26]

Guys seem to compete with cars and tools and other external things, it is the girls who compete with clothes and jewelry. So even though we might not want, or even think about competing with the SO when we dress, there will always be some background that gives them the same signals as another woman. Even a "little" talk will not take this away, it needs to be drilled into them about our not competing and even then it might still come through from the subconscious.

[TxKimberly]

We have our head trips and our wives and SO's have theirs . . .

[Bev06 GG]

Well the first one is obvious; a wardrobe full of clothing, shoes, etc. Another is the ability to discuss girl stuff that you normally would not discuss with a man. Did I mention shopping yet? Compassion, patience, understanding all come to mind. How many men get irate waiting for his s/o to finish getting ready? But not gender enhanced people as they are usually the last one ready anyway. Either way, I allow as much time as necessary, always. due to understanding the necessity of getting ready.

Hi Jilleanne,
not all women see another wardrobe full of clothes as an advantage, or piles of shoes, or handbags for that matter. My partner is two sizes bigger than me but I will say the makeup side can be an advantage. The compassion bit I think largely depends on the man. A man can share compassion with a woman if he's that way inclined without having to cross dress.
The shopping bit, well my own experience is that CDs shop way too much and become a tad obsessive about shoes and clothes. To be honest I'd like to have some wardrobe space for my own clothes.

Many times CD's are much more sensitive then men who aren't CD's! And in my own case, my late wife, who was totally supportive, almost always took me clothes shopping so I could pick out her outfits. I always thought it strange since my color sense is terrible, but she said I had a better eye for what blouse looked better with what skirt, etc., then she did. She never mentioned me being in competition with her, since I left no doubt in her mind that I was her guy! Regardless of what I had on!!


Hi Stephanie, I am certain that some CDs are much more sensitive than regular guys, but not all. You only have to read some of the posts on here to know that this isn't always the case. Having run a dressing service for several years I can tell you that CDs are as much a mixed bag as any body else and their reasons for dressing just as varied. Some are definitely still male through to their bones and their total disregard for their partners is obvious. Sorry if I seem to be playing devils advocat here but I think sometimes you need to see it from your ladies perspective. As supportive as I am of my partners CDing I wouldn't say its particularly an advantage. As much as I am not ashamed of what he does, I dont particularly like being in the closet and living a double life but I respect his wishes enough to stay there with him. The deceit and constantly hiding from family and close friends doesn't strike me as advantageous in any way.
Bev

[Carin]

There is a Woman's space in a home. It is both a physical and emotional space. It is easy enough to imagine a woman's feelings of her space been intruded upon. As we strive to improve our feminine image we take some of that space. The perceived competition may be competition for some of that space.

Is it possible to re-frame the perception of competition for space to one of an alliance? What can you do for her, that she benefits from your being you. Ask her often enough. She might tune in to the idea.

:2c:

[TxKimberly]

There is a Woman's space in a home. It is both a physical and emotional space. It is easy enough to imagine a woman's feelings of her space been intruded upon. As we strive to improve our feminine image we take some of that space. The perceived competition may be competition for some of that space.

Is it possible to re-frame the perception of competition for space to one of an alliance? What can you do for her, that she benefits from your being you. Ask her often enough. She might tune in to the idea.

:2c:


You know, I'm just an ignorant redneck, but this strikes me as being VERY wise and thoughtful advice.

[Debutante]

There is a Woman's space in a home. It is both a physical and emotional space. It is easy enough to imagine a woman's feelings of her space been intruded upon. As we strive to improve our feminine image we take some of that space. The perceived competition may be competition for some of that space.

Is it possible to re-frame the perception of competition for space to one of an alliance? What can you do for her, that she benefits from your being you. Ask her often enough. She might tune in to the idea.

:2c:

Very well said, Carin. The home is 'women's space'...

[Jess_cd32]

The more we ask these type of questions the more we all learn about our SO's thinking.

Interesting thoughts there Carin and by others to consider. I think now possibly we can get somewhere today when I discuss it with her as I feel I have more insight into why she feels that way. I never imagined I was 'invading her space' as a woman but she does probably feel that way.

Actually the more she yells and screams over this cd'ing issue the better, she's getting some of it out of her system and even that is some form of communication, its better than none. I'm thick skinned thank god so the insults roll off like water on a duck. Still love her to death whatever she says, and she knows that:hugs:

There is one philosophy we both agree on, life is to short and moving up on us alittle to fast, I told her I'm going to enjoy and make the most of it now, and that includes my cd'ing. Hopefully over time she'll realize how happy this actually makes me and come to terms with it that she can live with also.

[Satrana]

I agree with others here, this sounds like frustration because your presentation is more feminine than her own and it makes her feel less self confident about herself. She probably feels you are compensating for her lack of femininity and feels helpless to address this issue. She does not want to daily compete with you because your presentation is the equivalent is a sulky seductress entering into her home luring you away from her and she does not have the skills to fight back. The more you are entranced by own our self-made seductress the less attention you give to your wife.

This is the threat that she perceives and her feeling of helplessness is expressed by her lashing out to drive away the competition.

Most women feel threatened when a woman skilled in the art of femininity gets to close to their partner. Or look at this the other way, how would you feel if Brad Pitt or whoever your wife finds attractive entered your home? You know you would become the bystander and would be invisible to your wife.

So it is not that your wife believes you make for a more beautiful woman, rather your femininity shines brighter then hers.

[Sheila]

Jess have sent you a pm hun:hugs:

[Vicki65]

Some are definitely still male through to their bones and their total disregard for their partners is obvious. Bev

Oi! I resemble that remark! :heehee:

I consider myself 'definitely still male' but I also know I am far more sensitive to my wife's needs and feelings than most if not all of my male friends towards theirs.

I have never stopped gauging my wife's attitude to my CDing, and always hold short of her comfort level, which understandably changes as time goes by.

At the end of the day, she is my best friend and my soulmate, and if she has something on her mind, we discuss it until we have a resolution. I have a bunch of clothes I am compelled to wear for reasons I dont pretend to understand, and she understands that it is a need. Perhaps I am in the lucky position of knowing I could NEVER compete in the femininity stakes with her - nor would I want to.

As others have said - talk talk talk. there may be a solution, there may not, but unless you get everything out in the open between you, you wont find out.

Things CDs are good at? I dont get bored when my wife wants to clothes shop, and she trusts my advice - but I dont think thats necessarily confined to CDers. I just like her to have nice things, and feel good about herself :)

Sorry for wandering...

[Jess_cd32]

I agree with others here, this sounds like frustration because your presentation is more feminine than her own and it makes her feel less self confident about herself. She probably feels you are compensating for her lack of femininity and feels helpless to address this issue..............

No, that I would have to disagree on. All she needs is 15 minutes in front of a mirror with her makeup, a mini, stockings and her platforms and she knows she would blow me out of the water as any type of competition:).....and that I'm glad of.

She's attractive and still has guys follow her around in grocery stores etc...:heehee: I think thats kinda cute when she tells me about them doing that, esp the 18 y/o's. I'm glad that happens though as it reenforces that she still feels attractive.
What we say to them they think we're just saying it to be nice:brolleyes:

The only part I may be abit more fem dressed is wearing my lace socks, I love em, and she's not to crazy over wearing them. I think after she goes off like the other day on a rant she feels abit guilty afterwards, she's been nicer than nice since.
I do see some positive signs now and then, I think like most SO's she just needs time to sort this all out, that I can understand.

[Sarah_GG]

I don't know if this is any help at all... but (speaking for myself) at different times of the month I feel less attractive and less slim and less desirable than I do at other times of the month. I put this down to hormone fluctuation.

I am more than happy for my SO to dress and look absolutely gorgeous. Usually when he dresses so do I and we are both capable of looking DDG!

My SO, however, doesn't seem to fall prey to those hormone-induced bad-hair, ugly days where I feel fat and horrible no matter what clothes, make-up or wig I put on. Those days when the only thing visible in the mirror is the cellulite or the muffin-top!

Perhaps on that particular day she did feel you were in competition (even though you weren't) because she was having a 'bad-hair' day. This is only my opinion and not necessarily that of other GGs.

[Desiree2bababe]

Oh yes, many times

[Jess_cd32]

I don't know if this is any help at all... but (speaking for myself) at different times of the month I feel less attractive and less slim and less desirable than I do at other times of the month. I put this down to hormone fluctuation. .

Yes she goes thru the same thing.


My SO, however, doesn't seem to fall prey to those hormone-induced bad-hair, ugly days where I feel fat and horrible no matter what clothes, make-up or wig I put on. Those days when the only thing visible in the mirror is the cellulite or the muffin-top!.

Oh we have those days as well believe it or not:doh:


Perhaps on that particular day she did feel you were in competition (even though you weren't) because she was having a 'bad-hair' day. This is only my opinion and not necessarily that of other GGs.

I'm glad to hear from the women here on this forum like yourself and the others, who better to help me understand her right? You could be right on target with this last statement also.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Yeah, I've heard them all, including that one ! Why are you competing with me ? There is only going to be one woman in this house ? Why do you dress up any way ? Why can't you just stop ?

The best and only advice that I know of is : COMMUNICATE - COMMUNICATE - COMMUNICATE

JoAnne Wheeler