My PARENTS found out! :(

[tgirlinva]

I borrowed some books (about TG-issues) and they went overdue. Consequently, the library sent home a letter reminding me. On it, obviously, were the book titles. My mom immediately called my sister to get confirmation... and of course, my sister pled the 5th.

I don't know what to do. I am in school, work full-time, and am extremely stressed about transitioning, etc. Now my mom (I don't know if my dad knows or whether my mom told him) knows and she feels betrayed, angry, and told my sister that she will not tolerate this "mental sickness". She explicitly told my sister that she has a son and if I choose to be a girl, she will disown me. She said that I chose my lifestyle and that I am selfish.

The reason why I withheld the information was because I was scared and feared what their reaction would be. I wanted to protect them and really didn't want to hurt them.

Now, I don't have any family it seems :(

[Lisa Golightly]

It's a lot of information to take onboard in one go... People can react very badly, especially when they find out third hand. All you can do is hang on and ride out the storm... You have to put yourself first sometimes.

[MaryAnn40c]

How old are you? If you can vote this should not be a problem,just sit down with them and have that talk. Your mom and dad may not like what you say but in time they will understand.:2c:

[~Kelly~]

The main thing to do in a situation like this is .................BREATH. First and foremost do not overreact yourself. Try putting yourself in your mother's shoes for a bit. This is quite a bit to take in at once. You may say "but its not happening all at once.....I have dealt with this my entire life". This may be true, but she hasn't. When I told my parents a couple years ago that I was planning on transitioning, they seriously freaked out. At first I couldn't understand it because I felt that my life had been under a microscope up until that point and that SURELY they had at least already suspected. However, I think we give other people too much credit. They can see things going on but without your explaining what is happening and the motivations behind it, they really don't know or even suspect half as much as you think they do. Basically, what I am saying here is that this is all very new information for your mother to try and process. I know it may be difficult to do, especially with her initial reactions, but you really should open up a dialog with her. Don't let her have the opportunity to jump to erroneous conclusions. Be there to tell her what is ACTUALLY going on. If you let her flounder around right now, she will get all of her information from the closest available source, and unfortunately for all of us in similar situations, that is the media and such. Needless to say, sensationalized stories are pretty much the norm in that outlet and you don't want all of her thoughts of you to be based on that. Talk to her. Explain yourself to her. And most of all continue to love her. What has been said up to this point is a knee-jerk reaction and does not necessarily indicate how she plans on treating you down the road. I wish you the best through it all and hopefully good will come of this.
Kelly

[kristyk]

Your mom probably will not tell your father at least my mother did not when she found out. Seems easier for GG to handle this issue than males.

But like Kelly said take a deep breath situations like this are never as bad as we like to think they are and never as good as we hoped they would be they like to fall somewhere in the middle.

Kelly seems to have some very good advice I would meet this situation head on as well and sit your mother down and talk with her. My mother was not understanding at first but now at least can handle who I am and we can talk about my gender issues, an she likes to pop up the topic now more than ever see seems very inquizative more than judgemental. My father now has alhzhiemers so I really don't have much of a problem there (Wish I did ALZ is a bad thing).

[Sharon]

You need to talk with your parents -- now and face-to-face. Your mother most likely knows nothing about transsexualism other than what she may have seen in movies or on television. She needs to learn from you what it is you feel. And she also needs to learn that you are still the same person you have always been in your heart.

Good luck! :hugs:

[TxKimberly]

. . . It's a lot of information to take onboard in one go... People can react very badly . . .

I think Lisa is right, give your mother a chance to get acclimated to the concept. What your mother might have blurted out in her shock may not be where her heart settles in the end.

[Karen564]

As everyone said, this is the time to have a talk with her, and give her resources to what's it all about, she said what she said because she's angry, hurt and uninformed to your condition, so it's time to try to educate her now, believe it or not, this may be the best thing that could happen to you, even though it may not appear that way right now..just try to stay calm, cool & honest about it, and don't say or do anything rash that you may regret later.
Be the person you really are, show her your pain and tell her how it feels, tell her how it's been tearing you apart, show her love, and hopefully she will understand you. Her emotions will be high, so be patient with her, it's a lot for her to take in.

Good Luck,

Karen

[Heatherx75]

Everyone seems to have given pretty good advice so far. I just want to say stay strong and that I feel for you. It breaks my heart to hear you say that you don't have any family, because I've been anticipating being where you're at right now. I hope things work out ok for you. Sometimes it takes people a really long time to come around, though.:hugs:

[MichelleBolton]

Telling family certainly can be hard. I agree with everyone, in respect that you need to help them understand your condition, not lifestyle. Education is always best.

Many people can make assumptions about us, that it is a choice, but really it isn't, or at least for me there isn't a choice. Being TG is simply me, and the choice I can make in the entire process is the choice of being whole, or not. I choose to be whole, and therefore need to explore to find myself, and where I end up on the spectrum, God only knows. Well, I'm sure I know where I will end up, but after all it is a journey.

Parents, simply want the best for their children, and therefore, it is not unusual for them to respond negatively to something they do not understand. Their reaction initially is one that you can cherish, as what they are really saying is they love you and the are concerned for your well being.

You need to reinforce the fact that you are not changing, the person who you are, and your love for them is, and will be always there. By telling them you appreciate them being concerned for your well being, you then need to ask for their assistance to ensure your well being as you face yourself, and your journey in life.

Generally people have a hard time with things put to them in terms that are defined, that are structured. To them, their assumption is, you are transitioning, not question. They need to know there is grey, that there are decisions that they can influence. That you respect them, and yourself.

We tend to hide ourselves away from our family, so they may have not seen the signs. I call it my mask, I hid myself away from my family, by being as masculine as a possibly could. Yet, deep down, I always knew - I had brother around me, who I could learn to mask myself. Now is the time to take off the mask, and be yourself.

Your parents, will come around. They want to see you succeed in life, and being protective is one way parents believe they help in that success. So, simply be yourself, and be thankful for the caring people in your life.

[Joann Smith]

I also agree with the advice thats being given here..Its pretty good stuff.. .Wish some of you heffas was around when i was trying to figure this mess out ....The only thing I would like to add is the fact that regardless of how pissed off a mom and dad get with thier kid it is impossible for them to disown them...Because its just plain impossible for them to unbirth a child...Oh they may want to ...and may give it one hell of a try but it just not gonna happen...if it was possible most of us would have been probally been recycled by our parents at some point during our teen years ... So do not frett you still got family... they stuck with you forever so just dig in and hang on for the ride ....

[Kelli Michelle]

Re. information, you might show them some of those books you still have. Too much info, though, may cause overload. Be patient and take a step at a time. Have you spoken with your sister to get her feelings on the issue? She could end up being an ally.

Re. your mom and/or dad. Once they receive some information, give it some time. Sometimes it takes a while to come around. They have always pictured you as the their son, now they are told they have another daughter----you can imagine the anger, confusion, etc. My mom railed at me for 20 minutes non-stop when she found out (after snooping in my closet). I told her we needed to speak as adults, and people that love another, not some angry hostile people who don't know each other. Eventually she calmed down. She was up and down for several days. She even gave me some jewelry and purses. But, she never really accepted it. In fact, after that, she never mentioned it again. However, many people have experienced acceptance and/or tolerance from their parents, either immediately or in a few years. Just be straightforward, informative, polite, understanding, and patient. I wish you the best of luck.

[Bev Borden]

Look on this as an opportunity to be completely honest about who you are. The deception takes such a huge toll on us all.

I wish I had your experience when I was a teen. It would have helped me cope.

Bev

[Kristenl6]

just went over this with my fam. 2 wks ago. I was shocked how understanding they were, visited 2 at a time, building trust with select members built my strength, the first two, I had cried, the rest I stood strong. Break the ice, do more research on the subject and keep trying to help them understand you.

[Kimberley]

You need to have the talk with your parents... both of them.

Secondly, you need to stand up for yourself, take ownership for your own life and be proud of it. If your parents dont understand or refuse to try you cant change that. You may have to find other living arrangements but you said you are working full time so that should be of some benefit to you.

Good luck hon.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Celeste]

Time really does heal all wounds,I remember when my mother first found some of my things(I have no sisters)and she freaked out,she cried which really hurt.Like you ,the last thing I wanted was to hurt someone.After the ice was broken I kept things well hidden and there was no need for any big talk,she just came to the realization that there were personal boundaries and things about me that would remain private.

Only you know your parents and what they are going to say as well as how much you can share without them reaching the boiling point.I sure hope they make an effort to understand what your about.

[Melissa A.]

While I'm dubious about the prospects of immediate success with someone who would open and read your mail, and call what you have a "mental sickness", it's not like you have a choice now. My heart always breaks when I hear these stories. I think of all the obstacles and challenges we face, an unnaccepting family, especially parents, can be just about the unhappiest burden to deal with. But sadly, you knew that it may turn out this way. And just like many of us who need to prepare ourselves for bad outcomes at work and other places, those with unnaccepting families, if this is what they need to do, must prepare themselves for the possibility of, at the very least, a long haul. By all means, try your best to reason with your mother, offer information, let her know this isnt a choice, let her know how much you love her. Sorry to deppress you more, but it still may not have much of an effect right away. Then you have to find a plan B. If you are able to strike out on your own, that may be necessary. If you absolutely need your parents for now, for financial and other reasons, then sadly, you may have to suppress your needs for a short time before you're prepared to move out. I know both altenatives are scary and potentially lonely, but you're not alone. Many have gone down this road before you, and are more than willing to offer emotional support, both here online and most likely, in your area. A good therapist couldnt hurt, either. The one good thing is the cat's out of the bag. In the long run, you will see, that will be a relief. I'm sorry this is causing you so much stress and pain. Wishing you all the strength and luck you can find.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Chardon]

aww gee, hang on okay? your parents will eventually come to terms in accpeting you just the way you are. I'm sorry that i don't have any good advice to give or something, I'm just blank at the moment LOL.. but anyway, i hope all is gonna be fine. Here's a hug..

[MJ]

you have to at least talk with your mom as she knows. but like most non trans people they don't have all the information so it's up to you to talk with with your mom.
it will not be easy but you have to talk please let us know how things are doing all the best :hugs:

[carolinoakland]

yep, it's a shock. i do worry about your mothers describing your transness as a mental sickness. I'm having issue's with my father now suddenly demanding that I unfile court papers to change my name because he already gave me a name. My sister is adamant that because she's sure that I've never shown any female tendencies and that if i REALL was a ts that i would have confided in her soonre. Right. and yes the suddeness will make people struggle to maintain their balance. I know that while seeming to be very fast, I feel like I'm waaaay behind. Sorry, that was more about me than you, and that is where your focus must be. And consider, the reality is scary, but hasn't the fear of exposure and the unknown been dragging you down? It would be nice to finally be breathe and be you all the time? I went full time and haven't looked back, there's nothing about being male that worked, other than to hide behind. Are you ready to be full time? Have you seen a gender therapist? You will mostly have to give the family time, let them come to you with their questions, I have a motto, until you are ready to ask me the question you want to ask me..... you're not ready to hear the answear I'll be giving you. Hold tight dear, it sounds like you have sis in your corner. that' great. And your're definately not alone here, we're here to answear what we can, and litsten to the rest with openess. Remember.... Breathe.