recent airplane experience - passing vs. not passing and does it matter?

[KaraChristine]

I had two flights home last week - connecting in LAX. On the first flight I was sitting next to a very sweet, very kind older woman. She and I talked the entire flight and it was obvious that she assumed I was female from birth - she asked at one point if I'd had problems with pregnancy, etc. It felt so good and was such a bonding experience - it wasn't so much that I enjoyed "fooling" anyone, it was more that it felt like finally being recognized as who I've always been. An affirmation that I was never able to receive from my own grandmother and mother... I got off the plane feeling very confident and invincible.

On the next flight I was still feeling so empowered thinking that I'm now functioning in the world accepted as female. As I strode off the plane on arrival home in Vegas I waved bye to the flight attendants and one of them stopped me to ask me, "Are you Frank Marino?" (well known female impersonator with a show here on the Strip). I was stunned, horrified, embarrassed, humiliated in a way I can't explain. I made it out to the terminal before I started crying...

I've been talking about it with my therapist and a few things are clear - being "accepted" as female is not the same as being "mistaken" for genetically female. It's possible to find love and acceptance in the world as an out, proud transgender woman. And in fact, since this is actually who we are, it's arguably BETTER to be accepted as trans than "pass" as non-trans.

My therapist and I decided that maybe the real problem wasn't the rude flight attendant on the second flights but the way I handled the older woman on the first flight. I guess I was a bit of a coward - I think I should have looked the sweet kind older woman in the eye when she asked me about the pregnancy and gently explained that I was never pregnant since I'm a transgender woman. It would maybe have killed a bit of the acceptance and intimacy of the moment, but it wouldn't have set me up to feel like I'm "fooling the world" and then get knocked back down. And of course it might also have helped to broaden the older woman's perspective on transgender people.

What do you folks think? Have you had experiences where you've purposely "outed" yourself as trans when you could have passed? Was it liberating or just depressing? Do you think it's healthier to come out as trans even when we might be passing? Does it even matter at all? I'm curious about other experiences like this and how people handle them.

[leslie ann]

sorry your feeling down ! I wish i was frank that lucky bas.... anyways thats somewhat of a compliment i would think since he could pass for anyone hes one of the VERY best :hugs:

[Holly]

This is a totally non-professional opinion, but it seems to me that when one has a clear understanding of who they are and are confident in that identity, then they are totally free to function in that identity and seek all the happiness that is due to them.

[tgirlinva]

Honey. There will always be people that will figure it out, especially other transgendered and/or gay folks. However, I'm sure that the last thing you need is those ignorant people's approval. After all, there are plenty of GGs that look like men. Having said that, I know how it feels being put on the spot and embarrassed (never actually been pointed out, but I've had my share of funky stares). What I would do is note down the flight attendant's name and file a formal complaint with the airline.

I wouldn't have told the older woman that I was TG because frankly, it's none of her business. You obviously want to be accepted and seen as a woman, so you got what you wanted. I know I would never out myself as a transgendered woman. I'm a woman, whether I'm a trans woman or genetic woman, I'm still a woman.

[Leasa Wells]

Personally I think you did ok, with handling each issue.

Where is it written you are an ambassador for transgender people. Just because the elder woman wanted to pick the subject i dont see anything wrong with chatting with her. Lie, maybe a little white lie but its not like you took her money an ran, you had a conversation.

The flight attendant reminds me about a gf who ask a women when she was due (having her baby) she said she wasnt pregnant. I think people need to be sensitive about curtain question. What if you were FAB and that attendant put that question out there would she be hurt too.

Its hard enough to walk this path dont be hard on yourself.

[KaraChristine]

sorry your feeling down ! I wish i was frank that lucky bas.... anyways thats somewhat of a compliment i would think since he could pass for anyone hes one of the VERY best :hugs:

Absolutely, I agree that Frank is one of the best looking women I've ever seen. And of course I wish I looked like him too! It was just that in this situation it was a way of outing me as "male" when I didn't expect it.


Personally I think you did ok, with handling each issue.

Where is it written you are an ambassador for transgender people. Just because the elder woman wanted to pick the subject i dont see anything wrong with chatting with her. Lie, maybe a little white lie but its not like you took her money an ran, you had a conversation.

The flight attendant reminds me about a gf who ask a women when she was due (having her baby) she said she wasnt pregnant. I think people need to be sensitive about curtain question. What if you were FAB and that attendant put that question out there would she be hurt too.

Its hard enough to walk this path dont be hard on yourself.

Thank you - I agree with a lot of what you're saying here. It's a very personal decision. I honestly don't know for sure either way.

I agree that we don't have an "obligation" to out ourselves as transgender, but for me sometimes it feels like the healthier thing to do since it avoids all the issues around guilt, dishonesty, etc.

Another big part of the issue for me is that although I've been living full time as female for about 4 months now, I just had facial feminization surgery a few weeks ago. So the option of "passing" is a new concept for me - it would almost never happen in person for me before. I think I've been seduced a bit by the "marketing" of FFS in our community. There are so many personal experience stories that talk about how "not passing is just a dim memory after my facial surgery."

The real truth is obviously that being accepted as who you are is a lot more complex than a few millimeters of your facial features or how you inflect your voice in a sentence. Most of us have a sense in our hearts that true acceptance comes from accepting yourself first and projecting outward... I guess some lessons are very hard and expensive to learn :D

[deja true]

Quite honestly, hun, I think the attendant asking if you were Frank Marino was meant as a compliment! 'Cos the only thing associated with Marino is beauty and success... It's Vegas, for gosh sakes! At least she didn't ask if you were Dame Edna!

:)

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Kara

I don't even think about whether I'm passing or not, I just go about my day with a smile on my face. If I'm talking to someone who seems confused by me, I tell them that I'm a postie, and 99% of the time I get a "that is so cool!" back from the women, and a "oh, really?" from the men, as they fight from doubling over when their nuts get "sympathy pain"...it's really quite hilarious and I enjoy watching it.

Most people are kind, some are jerks (like that flight attendant), but ya gotta take the suds with the beer, such is life. Don't ever let an idiot upset you because it's not worth it, feel sorry for them instead because they obviously lead a very sad life.

Karen Starlene :star:

[Zenith]

Hi Kara, your FFS made you so happy...

I don't think it was an expensive lesson...I look at passing as a way to minimize the grief society gives us...otherwise I know I am a women and that makes me happy...I don't plan to try and impress everyone...

I think if identifying as trans will help our cause or a sister then fine...otherwise our hearts and our minds are female...we are not perpetrating any sort of a "white lie"...we ARE women...just our bodies are wrong...

I suppose if pregnancy came up, I would just sadly tell them for medical reasons I can't have children...it is true and it makes me sad...:sad:...

[Tizabet]

Do you think it's healthier to come out as trans even when we might be passing?Absolutely not. As tgirlinva pointed out, it's no one's business. I don't know about you, but my ultimate goal is to just be accepted as a girl through and through. And going out of my way to point out that I don't fit in a neat little box couldn't possibly help. I won't deny it if someone asks (it IS part of my background afterall), but it's not something that everyone I meet need to know. Y'know?


the men, as they fight from doubling over when their nuts get "sympathy pain"...it's really quite hilarious and I enjoy watching it.I always love the insanity of feeling sympathy for someone who got exactly what they wanted. "What? You're happy?! How HORRIBLE!" :P

[dilane]

Hi Kara,

From all appearances, you pass perfectly. You have small bones, a femme face, and a tight bod.

If someone read you, my wild guess is that it's because you haven't totally perfected your female vibe. Your carriage, facial expressions, voice, or some other subtle detail gave you away. If you're attractive, you're going to get the x-ray vision treatment from other women in your age group.

Do you think that's possible?

I have a far from perfect face, I'm not super small boned, and to the extent I pass it's due to the other less visible things.

I got a big kick recently at a straight club when I started chatting with a woman, and she asked me if I had problems dancing with some of the men there. I assumed that she had read me and was nicely questioning me about the realities of my situation. I answered, "Well, because of my situation, I'm careful". She asked me "What situation", and I told her I was TS, and her jaw hit the floor: "What, no way, you're kidding!" That was music to my ears :-) Then she said that I was beautiful and my voice was perfect -- well that was enough to make her my best friend!

I've also been asked about menstrual problems, and the answer to that one is: "Considering I've never had a period, no problems at all!"

Of course for every one of those experiences I might get a knowing smile from a nicely dressed young lady as she passes me in the opposite direction...

Anyway, it will get better, and you look fab, but there's more to passing, especially with GG's, than simply looking great, as you have surmised.

I hope I haven't come on too strong or offended you!!

Best wishes,

Diana

[Sally2005]

How can you be upset if someone reads you? You have only been doing it for a few months, so you are bound to be less than perfect. Next time, don't forget, you have already accepted yourself and so what if someone asks you about it? ...take advantage of the situation and ask them what it was that they saw so that you can improve it. Secondly, it is a chance to educate them. Worst case, lie and offer them an autograph for $5. ;-)

[Bev Borden]

Thank you for the insight. It helped a lot.

Bev

[tori-e]

Hi Kara,

I have to say that I disagree with your therapist. I have also had woman talk about my pregnancy (with my daughter) and I think you have to go with the flow. I wouldn’t make up lies, but rather just turn the conversation back to the other person. As transpeople we will go through a large part of lives trying to educate non-transpeople about what TGism is and isn’t. But I would have to say that in casual conversation, I would never out myself. This older woman probably got home and told people about the nice lady she met on the airplane. Enjoy it.

You are not “a coward”! I don’t know you personally but I’m guessing that like the rest of us, you’ve had to go through countless acts of bravery to get to the point of being out as woman. Transition is not for the faint of heart.

As for the flight attendant: People say stupid things. She could have said the same thing to a GG. She is probably quite embarrassed for opening her big mouth. Doesn’t mean you look like a TV. I know a GG in my group (SO) that got told she passes well as a woman. Some day you look back at this and laugh. Why not do that soon?

Lots of love,
Terri

[SirTrey]

I don't believe that not telling the woman on the plane your personal business IS a lie....We do not owe the world an explaination for who we are, what our medical history is, any more than others owe US that...I am a man, period....Always have been, always will be....I consider it a birth defect just like any other and I don't believe that I am in any way obligated to share that information with anyone (other than in medically necessary situations)...I CAN use My transness to educate people if I choose to, but I am no more obligated to than anyone else is to spill My guts to strangers....If you think about it, is a woman who has had a mastectomy obligated to tell you that one of her breasts is actually a prosthesis? Is the guy who was just told that his wife is divorcing him obligated to tell you on a plane? Nope. You're not obligated to spill YOUR guts, either. None of us are. We are people with the same rights as others to live our lives....and the fact that people ask US intrusive questions (the attendant, for example) is just rude....Plain and simple.

[MJ]

well you passed in the eyes of the older woman and for that you should be happy and proud being accepted totally as a kindred spirit is a wonderful feeling that many trans don't get to enjoy too often.
i find that we are treated as the others and it shows in there line of questions and treatment of us. therefor i feel you had a truly wonderful experience with the older woman. and truly enjoyed your flying through cloud 9.
now your second flight bought you to the ground pretty quickly I'm sorry you had to go through that it's just something we go through everyday. but for a little moment in time you got close to heaven. something us sisters have yet to experience total acceptance as a kindred spirit :hugs: