Feeling guilty again

[Alexandria9919]

Hello, its been awhile since I have been on. My mom was diagnosed with cancer and just recently died of it. I was very close to my mom and loved her dearly. She is woman I looked up to and truly admired. My mom knew about my cding but never approved of it and would have never accepted it.
Since she was diagnosed I have been feeling guilty about dressing and have done very little, i just feel like I am dissappointed her and dont get the thrill like I used to.
Anyone ever experienced something like this? I am not sure how to deal with it. Even though my mom is dead whenever I start to dress its like I start feeling guilty and just cant go thru with it. My wife still does not have a problem with me dressing though I cant do it much with my daughter and grandson living with us. But I just cant get myself to do it. Every time I dress I get sad thinking about my mother and how much I think she would be dissappointed in me. Let's just say it is confusing me and not sure how to deal with this. I thought I had come to the point I had accepted who I am and not worred to much about it since my wife accepted it.
Anyways I am just rambling on. Just wanted to see what your thoughts on this was

[melissacdx]

Just take a break and deal with your grief, let the urge subside, work out your issues, and when the urge rises again, let it take you. You have to deal with your life and make it a place where you can do what you want.

[Kelsy]

So sorry to hear about your mom! take time to heal as you sort through you feelings - Hugs:hugs:

Kelsy

[Hope]

My mom died of cervical cancer when I was a Jr. in college, and while I am sure that your experience is very different from mine - having a loved one die from cancer is a crummy experience no matter what.

My mother never approved of my cross dressing either... but part of that was probably because she was tired of having me steeling her pantyhose... I wish it were that simple - she threatened me with therapy on more than one occasion.

Of course, I never knew your mother, but I would bet that like most parents, more than anything else she wanted you to be happy and successful, even if being happy meant doing something that she didn't really understand.

I would bet that having moved on from this life, she would be more disappointed if she knew that you were not sucking the very marrow out of this life and enjoying every moment of it - and she might even feel a little guilty for being the reason you are not...

Your mom undoubtably grew up in a time when men were men, and women were women, and that was the end of it. If a man wanted to be a girl - there was something wrong with him. If only that time were further away. Growing up with that sort of understanding of the world colors how people understand the world for the rest of their lives. I don't know what your belief in the after life is - but cut your mom some slack and believe that, liberated from her human body, she understands now what she couldn't when she was still alive.

If nothing else - know that mothers, for all of their faults (and mine had them in spades) love their children (especially their boys) unconditionally - even if there boys would prefer to be girls. So go out and find yourself a dress, or a pair of shoes, or a pair of earrings she would have loved (even if she might not have loved them on you) and wear them in her honor.

She can't be too upset with that.

[Satrana]

Probably it is because you associate your crossdressing with having a good time. You are not in a state of mind where you feel you should be doing anything which makes you happy. Your desire to dress will return once you get over the grieving and allow yourself the luxury to feel happy again.

[Alice Torn]

Very sorry about your mom. I can understand your trepidations about not cding for some time, as my mom is very near passing into the deep sleep of death, any day now, with Alzheimers. I have been feeling some guilt, too. I haven't conversed with her, in two years, she's two thousand miles away, doesn't know me. There are more important things, than having fun, and dressing.

[sarahNZ]

I feel your pain...:hugs:

[Karren H]

Awwww. Lossing your mother is a shock... Sorry to hear that.. I felt like that when my wife found out... But it passed.. Just takes time..

[Bethany38]

Alexandria,
I am so very sorry for your loss, please accept my condolencs. I came very close too loseing my Mother about 14 years ago. She had breast cancer, double radical massectamy, and a year and a half of kemo. Luckily she is still w/me. Lost my father two years ago this past Jan. 17th. That one tore me up there was still soooo much unresolved issues between us. My Dad (Stepfather) is still here, but he has Hep C W/liver complications from years of drinking and drugging. He has always been a strong man, a great provider and Father figure, but after three tours in Vietnam he could'nt cope without some kind of euphoric release. I don't know how much longer I will have him? Alexandria please know that you are not alone. If you ever need to vent please pm me. I can't say I can offer any words of wisdom fore no person can say anything to make you feel better. However I would be more than happy to listen or in this case read whatever you need to release. Once again dear my sincere condolences. :sorry:





Empathizing with your pain
Bethany

[Tina B.]

Give yourself time to grieve, it is a process that needs to be handled first. At any age losing a parent is hard, I lost my father when I was young, and it took a long time to get over it. Now my mother is getting along in years, and I dread the day that we lose her, no matter how much time we have with them, if the relationship is good, then the time is too short. If your feelings don't pass, then maybe you should seek grief counselor, or therapy to deal with those feelings of guilt.
Remember even the best of parents can be wrong about somethings, and if you don't feel dressing is wrong, and it is a part of you, then you need to except that mom just didn't understand, but that's OK, it sounds like she loved you anyway, and isn't that the only thing that really counts!
I am sorry for your loss, and I hope you heal from it soon.
Tina B.

:love::love::love: These are for all the moms in the world!

[Kaz]

Hi Alexandria, I am really very sorry to hear about your loss. Your story has touched me very very deeply.

I have lost my father and helped my partner go through losing both her parents, and it is a really difficult time - for everyone. As Sarah has said - I feel your pain. None of my parents/in law knew about this side of me, so I won't comment on that relationship. But I do have three daughters who are now just out of their teenage years. They all have sides to their personalities/characters that my partner and I are uncomfortable with (I accept them, but I am uncomfortable), but I/we will always accept them for who they are, not what we want them to be. We all have to find our own way through this life whilst being true to ourselves as well our loved ones. I am certain this is the same with your mother.

The grieving process takes time... but it heals. Kaz xx

[JoAnne Wheeler]

You do not have to feel guilty about who and what you are.
JoAnne Wheeler

[scherylnmke]

Alexandria,
You have my deepest sympathy, I also lost my mom to cancer about 10 years ago. Like you, I loved my mom dearly and looked up to her for her strength and courage. I saw a psychic/medium a few years after my mom passed who told me that my mom loved me for all my good and all my faults, and the one that I didn't think she knew about(cd'ing). The medium(a woman) said my mom's coming thru about my particular dressing habits, my response(other than shock!) was 'She's not mad?', the medium said that in passing people loose their anger, regrets, and disliking of things and people. So, what I'm trying to say is that she surely loves you for who you are, dressing or whatever else you may do, notwithstanding. Remember, love is forever, eternal, and no one or anything can change that. Keep your memories of her with you always, and every so often tell her out loud your thinking of her and love her. Please don't feel guilty for something that is within you soul, I'm sure all of us have felt this at one time or another. And remember it's O.K. to be you.
Sheryl

[beenherelongtime]

as some posters have told you, you are in a sorrowful state right now and shouldn't be making any decisions about dressing. as time passes you will probably realize that your mother would not want you to be sad and you probably will be able to dress with a clear conscience.

[ReineD]

Alexandria, I am so sorry for your loss.

If your mother was anything like me (I have 3 sons), she was very proud to have you as a son. She may not have approved of some of your behaviors, but the two of you were very close; I'm certain she has bragged about you to her friends all her life.

Your mother was from a different generation. Her attitude about your CDing might have been different has she been raised with the information we have today. I am pointing this out to suggest that rather than feeling disappointment, your mother may have not approved because she didn't understand and she was afraid that you might get hurt.

:hugs:

[Cassia-Marie]

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Please don't beat yourself up, though. You loved your mom and she loved you. Maybe not your clothes but she loved you. All mothers love their children no matter what. And I doubt that she was or even still is disappointed in you. I will bet that the only disappointment she feels is from the loss of time she had to spend with you. You are her son. Never doubt the acceptance she has for you.

[Intertwined]

Very sorry to hear about your Mother.

Trust me, she was not and is not dissappointed in you, you gave her a daughter inlaw, a granddaughter, and a greatgrandson, I will lay odds, she is VERY proud of you...!

[docrobbysherry]

I'm SURE your mother wouldn't want you to suffer on her behalf! Either from her loss, or giving up something u enjoy, because of her!:sad:

My father passed away years before I started CDing. But, I KNOW he would hate it! AND have been embarrased for me!:doh:
It is that guilt I've been trying to get passed for a long time!:eek:

Just don't worry about CDing now! When the time comes, and it feels good again, THEN go try it out again.

Until it's fun again, just don't do it!

We all feel for and hope your spirits rise soon!:hugs:

[Alexandria9919]

Yes I know she loved me regardless of what I did and she always told me that.
Its kind of funny my wife tells me when I dressed up I look like my mom. I know she always told me that I reminded her of her dad who died kind of young.
And whether this is weird or not my mom was my rolemodel I was a whole lot more like my mom than my dad. I was always told that, so perhaps that is what started my dressing as a woman, my great admiration for the true woman my mom was. She was a great woman who demonstrated all the fine qualities of a great woman. I dearly loved her and will miss her:sad:
Thank you all for the words of encouragement

[MaryAnn40c]

Take time off for yourself. When you feel up to it come back...we all will be here for you. We are family here.

[Sheila]

hun firstly :hugs: and like others have said take time to deal with the loss of your mom, your dressing was/os a part of who you are and like Reine says she may not habe approved because of the era in which she was raised and her lack of knowledge on the subject.

[Claire Cook]

Hi Alexandria,

I went through a similar thing when my mom passed away 16 years ago, also from cancer. Like you, she knew I'd dressed -- I would get into her closet -- and did not approve, but she could not talk about it with me. She always wanted a daughter, and I guess I'm sorry I couldn't be the daughter she wanted. And yes, I felt guilt about it all.

But .. time can heal all things. I still have her jewelry and some of her clothes, and when I wear her rings or one of her old dresses, I think of her -- fondly and proudly. Seveal people have commented how much I resemble her (in drab), and I think my avatar really does look like her.

I hope you in time will also heal....

[Mary Morgan]

Alexandria, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I understand the feelings you are having. We never want to disappoint our moms. For what is worth, I suspect your mother was less concerned about you dressing, and more concerned that it would be harmful to you if discovered by the public. Moms are very protective. Anyway, give yourself some time, and don't be so hard on yourself..

[GypsyKaren]

I'm very sorry about your mom :hugs:...guilt is an evil mistress that should never be touched.

Karen Starlene :g2:

[victoriamwilliams1]

Sorry about your loss,

Being I too lost my mother almost 5 years ago to cancer, the first few weeks I was not able to dress for a month and when I did it was not easy and it shows on some of my photos. My mother also knew of my dressing from my teen years and when I was caught she was going to dress me but during the process a family member walked in.

Dealing with the loss took me almost 6 months and I did dress again on a regular basis 2 months after her passing. do visit her grave site as Victoria more than as my male self.

I think the best thing for healing is to talk with others who have lost family members to cancer.

[Anna_kissed]

My condolance to you for the loss of your Mum. I had similar feelings when my Mum passed away--I can now see them as a part of the grieving process.

During this special time, it is natural that you would want to honour her memory by being as she wished, particularly if you believe you can now have on secrets from her. As time passes the real you will emerge again just as it did before she passed away.

[Jess_cd32]

I'm sorry to hear of your Moms passing.
You have to understand your Mom misunderstood you, probably thinking like most that you 'chose' to do this, did you? of course not.

We can't help how we're born, and we shouldn't be ashamed of it. As cd's we all go thru so many phases in our lives over doing this but hopefully you'll come to terms with it like alot of us have and realize its a totally normal part of our makeup as people.

[2b.Lauren]

I am so sorry to read about your mother. My mother has been sick and in/out of the hospital and nursing home since September of last year. She is back on track I hope, but her recovery has been difficult. She is my heart, and I am far closer to her than I was my father. So I can understand the feelings of grief and sadness you are feeling.

Give yourself some time to grieve about the loss of your mother. Don't sweat the guilt feelings. Each and every one of us on this forum have had them and still suffer with them from time to time. Lossing a parent dredges up all of those old hurts and wounds from the past. We freely associate the feelings and hurts, as we do so we allow ourselves to be overly sensitive regarding those old feelings of guilt. It is just natural. Taking a break is not a bad thing. Then work yourself back to it gradually. Just know that your mother loved you and was very proud of you. Mothers are always proud no matter what might have went on in the past that they never really approved of. Mine knows that I snagged her clothes from time to time. I know she did not approve but she did not really say much about it. She did not give me a hard time or make me feel bad about that. Keep us posted of where things are and lean on the sisters here in the forum as you adjust and begin to cope with this loss.

Hugs,
Lauren