I Could Use Some Advice

[buffchick]

I am the legal guardian of a little boy who has a 12 year old sister. Elizabeth's maternal uncle has custody of her, but she spends a great deal of time with me and my family. Since I've known her (it's been about 5 years) she's shunned anything considered to be female.

Let me give you some examples. She likes her hair kept very short and will only wear clothes made specifically for boys. When I shop for her she refuses to even step foot in the female section of the store, and if I bring clothes home for her she will check the tags to make sure they are labeled for boys. If any article of clothing looks even remotely female it will be discarded. I was so frustrated trying to find underpants that she would wear that I was tempted to buy her some boxers (I had gotten to the point at which I just wanted something that would work for her) when I stumbled upon "boy shorts" which are actually made for girls but look like boy underpants. She will wear them as long as they are not "feminine" colors.

She went through a phase in which she told her younger brother to refer to her as his brother instead of sister. If she gets a kid's meal at a fast food restaurant she makes sure the attendant knows she wants a boy's toy. She is unphased that people generally refer to her as a boy. About a year ago she told me that when she grows up she is going to have her breasts surgically removed. This was said at 11 years old.

This school year she entered middle school and I got her into a charter school with an emphasis on military service. She gets to wear a military type uniform, which makes her blend in with the rest of the students and she doesn't have to worry about being ridiculed for being unfeminine. She has embraced the military aspect of the school and is talking about entering the armed forces one day.

My questions to you are: Does this adolescent behavior seem familiar to any of you? It seems to me to go way beyond typical "tomboy" behavior. Does it appear that she may loathe being female? Is it something that may pass? Does it seem as though she may be transgendered? Would it be helpful to try to talk to her about it? If so, how would it best be approached? Would she be honest with me at this age? Does she even know how she really feels at this age?

I want to help her as best I can, but I'm not really sure what she is going through. I appreciate any advice you can give me. Please let me know if I can provide any further information. I'm so worried about her...

[mistunderstood]

My :2c: is this yes she probably knows alot about how she feels. She may not understand it but she knows something. I knew when I was 5 that I was different from other girls. I hated girl things and In my mind I was a BOY. When I started my period that set off a mind storm of long term hate of who I really am.
I am glad you are trying to be supportive. That is important for both you and him(lack of name to properly address him). Now this may be a faze they are going through but I am willing to bet this is not that kind of thing. I would also say just to think on but may be going to a counselor might be a good step. Make sure if you do this you check that the counselor works with GID Gender Identification Disorder. This will help you not get lost in the counselor world out there. It is a big scary world in this field. The other reason I bring up the counselor is any doc. out there will stir you there too. You have make sure that this identity crisis is not fueled by any thing else. If you want to speak more on what these reasons could be you could PM me. I have a few personal reason that has influenced my GID.
If he wants to be a boy then let him as much as you can. If he wants let him pick out a name or nick name. If you have not had the talk yet about periods then I would suggest you not let it wait because that can cause a lot of problems for both of you.
Any talk with him is good. You might be surprised with what you hear. As far as starting the talk you might try to just start talking about school and just go from there. Ask him what he likes about school and kinda feel your way through and start asking questions as they come to you. Ask if it would be ok to address her to him then go on from there. If you are pushed away wait they might be back in a few hours asking you questions. What ever you do and no matter the response from him just keep what you are doing BEING THERE.
Any thing else the guys her can help you out. If any questions just PM me.

[deja true]

You're in a unique position concerning understanding gender issues in your little friend. And that can make you very supportive and helpful to him in the future. (Does he prefer to be addressed as 'him'?) But you've also got to worry in that you do not have legal custody of that child. If you can recognize symptoms of GID and can talk about them well, I think you should have some communication about it with Elizabeth's legal guardian, so that you're both singing from the same page as to how to help or cope with the situation. The worst case scenario would be if you both had opposing views on how to treat him and lost contact.

Read through the Trans-men's sections about the guys' early lives. Find out what helped them and what caused them to suffer as they were growing up. Ask questions there. For gosh sakes, don't try to push femininity on a girl that doesn't want it. Deal with the unique person, not with the society's idea of what the natal person is supposed to be.

Be an ally, not just another disapproving adult. Be a friend. Elizabeth is gonna need you more in the near future I think, when the puberty issues start.

[jillleanne]

Mistunderstood said it all. Absolutely talk with the child about it being supportive all the way. If it is just a phase, it may be because she sees boys beings treated better or favored more somewhere else in her surroundings and wants the same attention/treatment. Communication is the secret to success.

[metalguy639]

She sounds like me at that age. Fortunately for me my parents were pretty ok with me wearing nothing but boys clothes, acting like a boy and playing boys sports etc. They were pretty supportive or at least as much as they could be considering things were pretty different when I was a kid. I knoew at 4 years old that something was different and I was not a girl. I'd bet if you ask her she may tell you teh same thing.

[buffchick]

Thank you all for your replies. I'm not Liz's legal guardian, and her uncle feels as though she is just a tomboy and that it's a phase she is going through. I've tried to get her into therapy, but he just doesn't follow through with it.

I've tried to keep the lines of communication open with her, I want her to feel as though she can talk to me about anything. She oftentimes tells me how she thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, which seems kind of odd to me. But I do thank her for the compliments.

She got her first period a few months ago and it wasn't nearly as traumatic as I thought it might be (fitting her with her first bra was far more difficult for her).

She is generally free to choose her own attire, I could never force her to wear anything girly. That just seems cruel. Once, a few years ago, her grandmother wanted her to wear a dress for a few hours on Christmas Day and I thought she was going to have a nervous breakdown.

When she was a bit younger she told her brother to call her by a boy's name, but I haven't heard that for quite awhile. I will take your advice and look over the threads in this section of the forum to educate myself more about what she may be going through. Thank you all for your help.

[SirTrey]

Wow. Two comments to that...One is that it is SO wonderful for that child that he has someone like you in his life who actually cares to understand him....I am transitioning NOW at 49 because My family did NOT accept any part of Me being trans and I had to spend My entire childhood desperately trying to hide who I was for fear of being labelled crazy...and, as a matter of fact, I have actually been shunned by My entire family, mother included, for being so selfish as to do what is right for ME, for once....My other comment is, a lot of what you said about him sounds familiar....I remember having a lot of those feelings as a child....I was just less vocal about them because I knew instinctively that it was not something that would be received well in My own family....It's great for him that he feels comfortable enough to be able to be himself and express his feelings openly to you as he does....Just listen to him, continue to be supportive....The very fact that you care enough to even enquire about this says a LOT about you as a person....I wish you (and him) the best of luck....It's a tough road, but having support means the world to a transgendered person. **Trey**