My SO - "You have brought another woman into our house now"

[Jess_cd32]

Thats ONE of the feelings my SO has about my cd'ing I've just found out, that I've now brought "another woman" into our house and relationship, recently it was "competing with another woman" as well.

The next thing she said was "our relationship will never be the same, I've lost the man I love and now have a woman as well in our relationship to deal with"

She finally read up on cd's and surprisingly has (basically) a pretty good understanding I'd say of most of us. She did nail me on being partly narcissistic I won't deny that, only though when cd'ing:doh:
I offered to introduce her to some of the women here to talk with but she's not ready yet, ty again for those that have offered help in the past:)

I thought I'd pass this on for others that are going thru a similar situation with their SO's as it may help in understanding how many may be feeling.
Even if you (think) your SO is trying to accept your cd'ing, trust me they are thinking things you couldn't even imagine, and the best thing is to bring it out for discussion.
Alot of what she has said to me recently has been very surprising as well as enlightening, and I hope this can help others out as well.

[Sheila]

jess, hopefuly your wife will get to the stage where she realises that "the other woman" was there all along, that you are she, and she is you, ......the fact that she is actually looking up things about cding is a good sign hun ........... hopefully she is reading here and not some of the other sites :hugs:

[Di]

I think it is a part of her wraping her brain around it.....she thought it was x in your relationship and now finds its not what she thought.( but really it as Sheila has said your girl side was their all the time she just didn't know).............just keep talking and reassuring her as her comments seem to say she feels threated by the new girl she is getting to know make her feel like she is very important and special.
I hope she will join us here :D alot of times the partners see it is very common and there are hundreds of partners on here that she can talk to.

[Legs]

Jess,

When I came out to my wife I simply told her..

Look I am exactly the same person I have always been, the only difference now is you get to "SEE" both sides.

I explained to her that I was not going to do anything now that I had not done before except allow her to see it, no more hiding, I thought it best to tell her than have her find out on her own.

I also explained to her that the clothes I wear does not change who I am, or what I am able to do, that I still loved her as muchnow as the day we met, and that I had no intention of leaving her.

It did take time for her to think about it, and all but in the end she has come to look at Samantha as her "other" best friend.

During our first conversation about this she did ask me why, and I will not go into all that, but I asked her why she liked to wear my jeans, my shirts, even my boots, she kinda cocked her head to the side and got this funny look on her face and then said, hmmmmm, good point.

I said, ok, same thing, I love you no matter how you dress you are still the woman I love and agreed to marry, and spend the rest of my life with.

Hope this helps you and others.

Huggggggggggggs
Samantha

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Oh yeah, I've heard all that - in fact, I think I have heard it all at one time or another

JoAnne Wheeler

[Sheila]

Oh yeah, I've heard all that - in fact, I think I have heard it all at one time or another

JoAnne Wheeler

and the pont being JoAnne ?

[Sandra]

Jess,

It's good that she had read up on cding, infact it's a big step and I do hope that in time she will come here and chat with the other SOs.

She has to realise that you and the "other woman" are one and that underneath the clothing it is still you there and no one else.

Keep talking and reassuring her.

[2b.Lauren]

It is really good that she is reading and checking into things. Maybe since you have noticed her doing that you can buy her a book, a good one (if you have not bought it or are not aware) is: My husband wears my clothes by Peggy Rudd, Ed.D. She writes this from her own perspective for dealing with her own husbands dressing. I think even though she is making these comments that are hurting you to the bone, it might be her way of coming to grips, understanding, and getting a handle on this. When the two of you talk about other issues is the use of sarcasm and that type of jeering a part of how you both communicate? Yours is kind of an example of how my wife and I normally talk about things. Our communication style is joking, and a little sarcastic. We can and really do take some hits at each other, but we do know that it is joking and if it hurts we call each other on it. It is also good that you are still talking and writing in here, so that you have a supportive network to fall back on.

[shaun1]

i understand her views i for one am one of the lucky ones here whos partner is very understanding and actively encourages my cd. but then saying that she also likes me 2 spend time with her non cd. its swings an roundabouts.the fact that she is looking things up can only be a good sing as long as she is viewing the right sites.assure her you both are the same person just a little ying n yang.as my partner points out you can be mascoline an feminie at the same time.try giving you partner both but ease her into the feminine side. give it time if she loves you and your patient an thougthful of her feelings it can only work out.

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE . THE PRETTY THINGS COST A FORTUNE

[Satrana]

She feels threatened and wants to blame you for altering the relationship balance.

I would respond that you are exactly the same person as you were before she found out. The person who has changed is her as she now views you and the relationship differently while your view of her remains unaltered.

Another discussion point is why she feels threatened by the feminine side of you. What is there to be afraid of? Point out that you do not feel threatened by her masculine qualities (and point out a few).

Which leads to a third point of why she is automatically so negative about discovering your feminine side. After all rejection of your femininity is rejection of you as a whole person. Why not discuss this new development positively as a means to develop a closer bond and new avenues of fun and happiness - perhaps a new breath of life if the relationship had become mundane.

It is a case of telling her the cup is half full not half empty.

[Sally2005]

Well, I guess its a good thing that she recognizes that...So now you just have to wait until she says, 'okay, if you are going to be a girl in my life your coming shopping with me when all my other friends are busy'... and you have to do your part, when she makes a snide remark on your CDing, just remind her that you are half woman...and remend her when you are her man, that you are half man too! ...could be kind of fun to be playful with it until you are both comfortable with it.

[sally1980]

It seems to me that she is just confused and trying to make sense of it all I suspect time will be the great healer. That is the same advice I have been offered on this very site by many.
I think am incredibly lucky that my wife actually seems to understand and accept more then I do.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

Thats ONE of the feelings my SO has about my cd'ing I've just found out, that I've now brought "another woman" into our house and relationship, recently it was "competing with another woman" as well.

The next thing she said was "our relationship will never be the same, I've lost the man I love and now have a woman as well in our relationship to deal with"...

I'm seeing a clear pattern emerging here, Jess. There was the "why are you competing with me" comment not long ago. Continue on to "You have brought another woman into our house now".

She's still struggling with the whole concept of your cding and how she feels it has changed the relationship.

Perhaps more importantly though, she feels threatened by another woman she knows you have very strong feelings for. A very attractive girl. Maybe you know her? Her name's "Jessica".

I'm going to be pretty open and honest here. Since I can't enter your mind, I'll offer a bit of my own psychological process in place of the blanks I cannot fill in. The last time I had the opportunity to see Gabrielle in the mirror, looking back at me with those eyes... that nicely made-up face, long beautiful hair, thin waist, short skirt, and sexy legs... I really fell for her. It's that "narcissistic" end of things. I think it's safe to say that many, if not most of us can feel that way about the woman we transform ourselves in to.

Your SO is having trouble understanding the whole cd thing, but at the same time, the beautiful woman you transform into has taken your attention from her (your SO). At least, I believe that is how she is feeling based on the comments you shared with us. She's probably jealous of the new girl in YOUR life. She's not really new, but your SO didn't know about her until not that long ago. Not only does her man like to dress up like woman, but he also seems very entranced by her as well. This has got to be giving her the mind-screw of her life. I think I understand why she's fighting this so hard, and yet not just shutting you out at the same time.

You with me? Am I close? You're the one living this, I can only put together some ideas based on limited second hand information.

Think about this scenario. I mean, really give it some thought. She feels like she's loosing her man to the other woman in his life, right?

The good news is that her fears are really unfounded. She has no idea, but you know. I think most cd's understand this angle. The bad news is that it may be tricky to get her on board with the reality of things. But the other good news is that it is entirely possible to do just that.

She loves you, Jess. She may be hurting and blind to some things because of that, but she'll listen to the man she loves. If I'm not totally off, I'd explore this in a good, long sit-down conversation. Get her to talk about how she feels. If insults fly, let them slide - she's in pain and the insults really don't mean anything beyond that point. Remain calm and do not allow the conversation to be diverted in other directions - stay on track. Let her know that you do indeed love "Jessica", but it's not like the picture your SO's painted in her mind. Jessica has always been with you and always will be. And so can Jessica also be with your SO - in ways she can't even comprehend yet (because she's still fighting it). This point gets back in to the additional benefits of having a crossdressing husband (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=100870) thing. Once she gets beyond the fight she's putting up about your cding and the jealousy, you/Jessica is going to blow her mind with wonderful new experiences and a relationship so amazing that your SO will never be able to put it in to words.

If you walked out of her life today, I doubt you'd be remembered as that crazy man who liked to dress as a woman. She might say that out of the pain she felt in loosing you, but she wouldn't think that deep down inside. You'll be remembered as the most amazing, unique, and loving man she ever knew. That unique part will forever make her feel a deeper loss than if you were just another "normal" guy she once loved (and was loved by).

And I think that's enough typing for one post. :)

[Jess_cd32]

TY Gabrielle for the thoughts, I believe you just may be right on with so many of them as well as the others here. I've seen posts here were one may say "I'm only wearing the clothes of the opposite sex, thats all", well its far more than that in most of us. We take on a female name, we take on a whole new persona, we are infact part female in our minds as cd's. This is what our SO's sometimes have such a hard time dealing with, the depth of it, mine knows.

Having some narcissism involved in our cd'ing isn't always a bad thing, its better than looking in the morror and thinking 'oh do I hate myself'. Its when narcissism gets out of control that can be problematic. When it interfears with the woman in our life that we married or are dating, and you love the woman in the mirror so much more, then its a problem in the relationship.
I told my SO yesterday that I do infact like that girl in the mirror alot, but my love is for her, my SO. I want her to realize 'that other girl' is no threat to us.

I hope threads/posts like these can help others going thru this as well, our SO's are as complex I've realized as we are as cd's when it comes to accepting this or tolerating our cd'ing. As you, me and others have said, they didn't ask for this, so let them express what they need to. Even if they are insults at first, don't reply negatively, they need to vent so don't hamper that.

I asked my SO the other day, are you feeling guilty about what you said to me the other day your just to overly nice right now:heehee: she said yes, I don't want to say those things to you but I can't help it right now. I told her don't ever feel guilty for expressing herself like that, I want her to get it all out. If your gonna cd, better get a thick skin I'd say, it will certainly come in handy.
I think we'll get thru this but it will be tough on both parties for awhile.