Will they come around?

[Kelli Michelle]

I have read many threads, where there is a comment "keep trying, they/she will come around and realize that they love you...will be supportive...:blah:

I understand people are trying to supportive, it's one of the great things about this site. However, I think those kind of comments, though meant well, are simply not true a lot of the time. Obviously, there are a some wives, families, and Sos who are accepting. But, at least to me, it reinforces something that may very well never happen. Wouldn't it be better to encourage a cder to strive toward obtaining acceptance/tolerance, and not suggest he face the music through rose (pink) colored glasses?

Second question: Understanding that family is the most important thing in our lives, yet also knowing that, that without acceptance or compromise, that this could cause a rift so large that "things" don't work out, how long would you be willing to wait for acceptance? I don't mean exact time frames. I mean could you wait forever, a long-time, or a short-time? Include in your comment if this would change if you were allowed to do NO cding at all.

[bobi jean]

1ST question........ I agree.
2ND question........ I have been waiting for almost 20 years.......
comment ............ I will continue to wait as long as I am allowed to wait for acceptance.

[Joanne f]

No one has a control on the way that people think , there are some people who will at least listen to reason and there are some who won`t so it really is a matter of pot luck as to weather your SO will adjust or not .
And it also go`s for family being the most important , some will naturally put their family first and some will put themselves first and then you have all the combinations that the two together will come up with that's the way life is a mix and match of many things and if you are lucky you end up with a situation that will suit all .

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Answers : #1 - Yes

#2 - Sometimes the best you can hope for is TOLERATION,

for the majority of Spouses, ACCEPTANCE of CDing is

only a pipe dream for CDers - Yes, here on this Forum

we occasionally hear about some really GREAT GGs who

are tolerant and accepting and helpful and participate,

and I (we) truly love them for it - BUT, they are the

small exception to the rule - I for one would give anything

for some of the Spouses that I have read about on this

Forum - and thats my opinion.

JoAnne Wheeler

[charlie]

Hello Kelli!
With my SO it just will never happen. If she saw me dressed (even though she knows I sometimes do) it would be over. She wants the "man she thought she married" even though it is all me! Having a woman live with her is not what she thought she was getting....period. So we are deep into "don't ask, don't tell". I love this lady, she is my wife. However, I must give her the space on this issue or lose her. There are no rose colored glasses, hopes of acceptance, or good feelings here. Solid fact!

[Karren H]

I doubt my wife will ever come around..

[Kelli Michelle]

In re. to the 2nd question, in my case, sometimes I think I could wait forever, sometimes not one more day. It changes....mostly on her attitude at the time. The more disrespecting, the more rude she is, the less I feel I can wait. When she says nothing, and/or is more or less reasonable, I feel I can bite the bullet for a much longer time. I grasp at straws. Sometimes that is all one has.

[Laura_Stephens]

My wife will never come around. Forget about acceptance -- tolerance is out of the question.

[Angie G]

Your right we shouldn't tell someone that others will come around, It just may never happen. As far as waiting gos it's up to the person how long they can or are willing to wait. You can't always make people accept something hopefully you can get them to at least understand what your need are.:hugs:
Angie

[Jess_cd32]

I think the best part of my relationship with my SO is the word "allowed" doesn't even exist, and I don't think it has a place in anyones relationship. Children are the ones that aren't "allowed" to do things because they don't know any better yet, we are adults. We're both strong personalities here so that would fly like a lead balloon if either tried that thinking with the other.

Sometimes there are no winners in this, I've stated that before and some have unfortunatly lost their family over this, thats why some call it a curse.
I really feel for those that this has happened to because they are so misunderstood by the other family members.

As I become more educated first hand by my SO about my cd'ing and how she feels I know I have so much more to learn about her and other SO's going thru this, its tough on everyone involved and so very complicated at times. Good luck with your situation, I think the others are just trying to be positive, I see nothing wrong in that either.

[celeste26]

Can I repeat the oft used refrain here; We should have begun our relationships honestly and told the SO's before we got married. Such a huge gap in that honesty has left us with this " partial relationship" not a whole one.

Yeah, I know its not possible to go back and start all over again but you've paid how much for that slip up? and continuing to pay how much for it?

[BeckiB]

This topic pops up a lot here and expectedly so. The support on this site is amazing and helpful but we have to keep in mind that there are as many different situations as there are people on here. Then you have to wonder how much of the story do we really know? I really hate it when I see some one tell another that you should just do it, it is your right. We all should be happy but at what cost? Only the individual in the situation can make that call.

As for the tolerance and acceptance issue you can always wish for the best but those wishes come with no guarantees. There is another thread about what if your wife was the CDer...how would you except it. If you think about it honestly...would you? A lot of girls said yes and there is no way to prove the actual results. For me I would have a hard time with it yet my wife excepts my dressing.

As for the telling your SO before you were married there is another horse that we beat a lot. I agree that you should tell them before you are married. But what if you were married for 10 years and then you decided to start dressing. I told my wife before we were married that I had thoughts of cross dressing though I never acted on them. After being married for over twenty years I decided I wanted to try it. That could have been three marriages later for some people.! LOL So if I didn't tell my SO way back then would I have been wrong. IMHO no.

My wife and I have very good communications between us. We talk all the time and about everything. She nows my feeling about crossdressing and where I want to go with them. She has her choices to make about it. If she doesn't approve then I have to make mine. Thankfully I am not in that position.

[sometimes_miss]

I'd always been one of the kinda' shy folks, never had a lot of girlfriends, and was alone more often than not. Of the few relationships that I have had in my life, as each came to an end, I had to remember the old saying, better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. For most, love simply doesn't last. Of those relationships that continue to marriage, over half come apart eventually. So, I don't necessarily feel bad at not telling someone 'everything' about my life before making them part of my life. Yes, crossdressing is the 800 pound gorilla hiding in the closet. And maybe they'll never 'come around'; I kind of think it's more of an either/or thing, and not something that a SO will change her views on. But hope is the last thing to die, and once it's gone completely, well, for me, life will be over. So I live in eternal......hope. For me, the 'wait' is over right now. I don't have a SO. And, I'm not sure when I will break the information should the time come again. Each situation is different, each woman is different, so it's difficult to say exactly how long I would keep hoping she would accept it.

As far as being in a relationship where I could never crossdress, well, I'm not sure I'd have a problem with that if it truly were an almost perfect relationship. I've gone without for years before. I'd.....give it a shot.

[Sheila]

I did PM Kelli before putting my :2c: in here


I have read many threads, where there is a comment "keep trying, they/she will come around and realize that they love you...will be supportive...:blah:

you know I get sick to death of reading "if she loves you she will come round, will be supportive etc etc" ...... sorry but my answer to that is ............ if you had really loved me & trusted me you would have told me, allowed me to make choices about whether or not I wanted to be involved in this life, instead you (and many of you did) chose not to, hoping it would go away never to resurface, many of you already knew it was never going to be that way, you took away our choice, and yes I do understand the fear, and worry you had over disclosing prior to marriage (well as much as i can) ........ but it does not change the facts, many of you decided not to tell.



I understand people are trying to supportive, it's one of the great things about this site. However, I think those kind of comments, though meant well, are simply not true a lot of the time. Obviously, there are a some wives, families, and Sos who are accepting. But, at least to me, it reinforces something that may very well never happen. Wouldn't it be better to encourage a cder to strive toward obtaining acceptance/tolerance, and not suggest he face the music through rose (pink) colored glasses?

But in fact they are .. it is always the ones who are unhappy with their lot in any walk of life that scream and are therefore heard the loudest ....... for some of us it hass not been the cding that brings about the total demise og the relationship, it becaomes the straw that broke the camels back in many cases ........... my ex was into pool, football & golf in a big way, all of those took their toll on our relationship, add in cding and various issues surrounding it and I just couldn't do anymore .. I swear down I did everything I could to get him to accept who he was but it was like beating my damned head against a brick wall ... acceptance of who you are has got to come from within .... we as SO's or friends cannot do that for you, much as we wish we could, and trust me we do, ...... it would make our relationships one heck of a lot easier trust me



Second question: Understanding that family is the most important thing in our lives, yet also knowing that, that without acceptance or compromise, that this could cause a rift so large that "things" don't work out, how long would you be willing to wait for acceptance? I don't mean exact time frames. I mean could you wait forever, a long-time, or a short-time? Include in your comment if this would change if you were allowed to do NO cding at all.

For me I tried I really did, but I could not wait for him to accept himself, because of issues I found out about his CDing, no way would I ever accept what he did with it, and that was on top of the lies, and I mean huge lies, lies that put me and my health in danger, now I know that that is not the norm, but the reality of my case.

As for now I have no need to wait for Debs to accept who he/She is, He is already accepting of of both sides of him & I really know how lucky I am to have a partner who is so accepting of his fem and his male side. I know he appreciates the fact that I have no qualms about Debs whatso ever, that I enjoy him being Debs, I actually like the fact that she is the Tart she is (his words not mine).

In about 5 weeks We (myself and my 12 year old) will be with them permanantly and we can't wait . & yes J**** has met Debs on camera and spoken to her, has met D***** on camera, spoken to him on the phone and spent last weekend with him getting to know him in real life, and he is looking forward to the move almost as much as I am :D

As for allowing ............ hell he is an adult just as I am and I would not "allow" him anything, nor would he "allow" me anything,


Jess_cd32....... I think ... part of my relationship with my SO is the word "allowed" doesn't even exist, and I don't think it has a place in anyones relationship. Children are the ones that aren't "allowed" to do things because they don't know any better yet, we are adults. We're both strong personalities here so that would fly like a lead balloon if either tried that thinking with the other.

Jess :iagree::yt: here as well ...... lord the fireworks would be spectacular if either of us tried that with the other :heehee::heehee::heehee:

[StephiefromSyr]

My wife who i had starting dating roughly 4 and a half years ago wasnt always supportive of my cd'ing and even at times called it disgusting. However at times she showed signs of some support. Told me to do it but not around her. At time it seemed like we'd be a statistic and it'd be the cause of our divorce. But Friday night there seemed to be a breakthrough. We had gone to the mall and at a Deb's store she was looking at some cute sexy panties and spotted a really nice one with pink and black hearts and said "ooo i like these" and I agreed that they were nice. When we got home and were getting ready for bed she turned to me and asked if i was going to put my new undies on. I was confused and said i didn't get anything. Sure enough she had bought those panties for me. She had never even wanted to be with me if i was buying anything for me but now not only did she buy me panties but i got to wear them all night and part of the next morning. I mentioned to her i needed a new black skirt the other day so who knows now when we go to the outlet mall in a couple days. So for all those who don't think your SO will come around like me, there is always hope.

[Ricochet]

My wife will never come around. Forget about acceptance -- tolerance is out of the question.

Ditto!

[Kelli Michelle]

I did PM Kelli before putting my :2c: in here



you know I get sick to death of reading "if she loves you she will come round, will be supportive etc etc" ...... sorry but my answer to that is ............ if you had really loved me & trusted me you would have told me, allowed me to make choices about whether or not I wanted to be involved in this life, instead you (and many of you did) chose not to, hoping it would go away never to resurface, many of you already knew it was never going to be that way, you took away our choice, and yes I do understand the fear, and worry you had over disclosing prior to marriage (well as much as i can) ........ but it does not change the facts, many of you decided not to tell.

Many of us did decide not to tell, but many of us have told (me included). I guess "many" is appropriate, but that's because there are more than many crossdressers. The thread is not about crossdressers that don't tell, but more about people that are offering support, that is misguided (imo) to the cder.

But in fact they are .. it is always the ones who are unhappy with their lot in any walk of life that scream and are therefore heard the loudest

I respectfully disagree. Most relationships do not come out of this situation unscathed. There are some accepting/tolerant wives/sod, but the majority either divorce/seperate, or are in a don't ask, don't tell relationship.


....... for some of us it hass not been the cding that brings about the total demise og the relationship, it becaomes the straw that broke the camels back in many cases ........... my ex was into pool, football & golf in a big way, all of those took their toll on our relationship, add in cding and various issues surrounding it and I just couldn't do anymore .. I swear down I did everything I could to get him to accept who he was but it was like beating my damned head against a brick wall ... acceptance of who you are has got to come from within .... we as SO's or friends cannot do that for you, much as we wish we could, and trust me we do, ...... it would make our relationships one heck of a lot easier trust me

I agree with most of this. There seems to have been other issues that have put a strain on the relationship, and the cding was the straw, or anvil, if you will. A couple with no real issues, totally in love, would have a better chance getting through the cd issue.



For me I tried I really did, but I could not wait for him to accept himself, because of issues I found out about his CDing, no way would I ever accept what he did with it, and that was on top of the lies, and I mean huge lies, lies that put me and my health in danger, now I know that that is not the norm, but the reality of my case.

As for now I have no need to wait for Debs to accept who he/She is, He is already accepting of of both sides of him & I really know how lucky I am to have a partner who is so accepting of his fem and his male side. I know he appreciates the fact that I have no qualms about Debs whatso ever, that I enjoy him being Debs, I actually like the fact that she is the Tart she is (his words not mine).

In about 5 weeks We (myself and my 12 year old) will be with them permanantly and we can't wait . & yes J**** has met Debs on camera and spoken to her, has met D***** on camera, spoken to him on the phone and spent last weekend with him getting to know him in real life, and he is looking forward to the move almost as much as I am :D

As for allowing ............ hell he is an adult just as I am and I would not "allow" him anything, nor would he "allow" me anything,

I agree that this is the way adults should work. Allowance is what you give your children.


Jess :iagree::yt: here as well ...... lord the fireworks would be spectacular if either of us tried that with the other :heehee::heehee::heehee:

I think many of us have waited for a long time for acceptance, and would wait longer still. Obviously the fewer lies and half truths we put out there to our sos or wives, the more likely that we will be accepted. Even so, that doesn't mean that it is very likely that we will gain acceptance, far from it. It's a difficult issue, and many women cannot get around it. Heck, sometimes WE can't get around it.