Help me find peace

[karrisa]

So I've been crossdressing since I was about 12 y/o. I'll forgo the details of my miserable teenage years because I know most of you can relate. After college I got a job near home and got my own place. Let the fun begin... I think I shaved my legs the first night I was there. From that point I began dressing constantly. It was consuming my life. I had discovered the wonder of on-line shopping and my collection grew exponentially.

After about a year the whole thing got way out of control. It was all I could think about. I was depressed and ashamed which further fed the fire. I went to see a therapist who had no experience with this problem but tried to help as best she could. This led to a three year purge. A few months after I tossed all of my female attire, I met a girl who would become my first love. Life was great... for the time being.

I realized after about one and a half years with her that it wasn't going to work. It really had nothing to do with my secret (which I never revealed to her) but rather everything to do with the fact that she was a psycho. After the break-up I played the field quite heavily eventually meeting the wonderful woman who would become my wife. After only 4 months of dating I knew that I wanted to marry her but I also knew that I couldn't unless she could accept me and my crossdressing. Long story short, I told her, and on the greatest night of my life, she accepted me completely.

I explained to her that I had been purging for several years now and that the stress was, at times, unbearable. She convinced my to end the purge. I held off until after the wedding (9/5/04) so as to not add any stress to a stressful situation. I eventaully began dressing again and it was great, for the time being. We shopped together several times and my collection grew larger than ever. Especially with shoes... my god, the shoes. I even went out dressed for halloween to this huge party. I dressed as a woman and my wife as a man.

But as before, it started controlling my life. Dressing was litterally all I could think about. Everytime we went out on Saturday night, we'd we'd end up at a department store buying me something pretty. It really started to interfere with my marriage. My wife said she didn't see a problem but I have to believe that she did. I couldn't consentrate on anything and it was getting worse. Also, I had to keep topping myself, hair, make-up, nails, shaving... I couldn't see an end to it.

Ultimately, a couple of months ago, I had to purge again. I felt as though it was my only choice. The guilt and shame I felt were destroying me. Now, I'm in the same old situation. Not dressing, still thinking about it (to a far lesser degree) but with a mounting stress. I sometimes feel like I'm holding my breath.

I really don't know where to go from here. My marriage and my wife are a priority as is my own state of mind. There has to be balance but I don't know how to acheive it. I have proven to myself that I cannot crossdress in moderation. I've been toying with the idea of going to a specialist but I wouldn't know where to find one. I'm sure the nearest one to my area might be in Milwaukee, WI. If anyone has any advise for me or can direct me to some help, I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks to all who had the patience to read this.

[carson]

Hi Karrisa, I'm Carson and I joined about a week ago. I don't have any answers for you or sage advice. I just wanted to tell you that I decided to join here to hopefully find answers to the questions about crossdressing that have been weighing heavily on me for over 30yrs. now. I've been meeting some very kind and insightful people and I think, as my first step out of the closet, it will be a good place to call home. So welcome and I hope you find what you need.

[JoannaDees]

Kind of sounds like obsessive behavior. I do know that Wellbutrin helps with obsessive behavior. It is sold under another name to help stop smoking. It really helped me stop smoking ... well, tasty cigars are back.

[DonnaT]

First, does all this shopping hurt finacially? If so, then you probably need to see a therapists, as you could be a shopaholic, like alcoholics, in need of intervention.

If you can afford it, then it sounds like you really need to have your wife be absolutely truthful with you on how she feels about, what sounds like to me, your "me, me, me complex".

You could be shopping as a result of stress, which in turn could be your feeling guilty about all the things you do for you, and not for your wife. You'll need to explain this to your wife. You may even need to ask your wife to help you overcome the compulsion to shop.

There may be a need for you to give your wife the credit cards, bank card and checkbook in order to help you control your shopping. That could get tricky though, and you could grow to resent your wife.

Purging only makes matters worse because you end up having the need to buy all that stuff again. Spending money you wouldn't have had to spend if you had practiced a little restraint instead of purging.

[karrisa]

To clarify, I don't have a problem with shopping, I have a problem with crossdressing. I only brought up the shopping to illustrate the point that crossdressing had started to interfere with my relationship with my wife.

[Sierra]

Then you can find a balance and not beat your self up for the burning desire.I loose sleep ,have trouble keeping my mind on work when I let my self get so hot for being like a woman in all possible ways.It makes my heart race like a drug and I fantisize of doing things I'd surely regret later.It's very good to remember to be the man your wife feel in love with at times,we can be so self centered in our obsession or quest to be a woman.I live everyday as both sides fem&male and can not or will not hide it, but try to please all involved and compremise some too.So here I'am a guy with nice breasts but a dad and husband too ;) .

[ChristineRenee]

Hi Karrisa. I have been a CD for 41 years now...I started at 12 too. I think I have a pretty good handle on what you are going through. First thing I would advise is to stop with the purging. Designate an area for your stuff and just keep it there...available to you when you have the need to dress. CD'ing is addictive...but for many, there is also a lot of guilt and shame associated with it...which results in the need for purging. It really is a mind-set issue here Karrisa. You need to accept yourself as the person you are. Once you do that, you will begin to realize that you are not doing something wrong here or that you are abnormal, weird, etc. Being a CD is who you are...there is nothing wrong with that...no need to feel guilt or shame here. You are merely externalizing your internal femininity...and what's wrong with that? When you don't feel like doing that...just don't. Leave it alone for awhile...pursue other interests. The desire will return soon enough. The main thing is acceptance by YOU of who you are...and once you achieve that, I think you will find it much easier to achieve the balance that you are seeking with your CD'ing. Certainly you have the support of your wife here...which is so important. The ball here is in your court. Sometimes you just have to learn how to get out of your own way. But just keep resisting that urge to purge...and embrace the person that you are. You are truly a special person...and very much loved by others. Be sure that you always include yourself in that number as well!

I hope that this helps you some Karrisa. There are a lot of terrific girls on this site...so know that you are never alone in this and that you always have a support system here to assist you. I wish you all the best in your efforts to achieve that balance that you are seeking in your life.

Love,
Chrissie:)

[Ibuki_Warpetal]

Stop feeling guilty BAM = problem solved.

You dress with what seems like an obsessive compulsive behavior, which I can relate to, but I have never wanted to get rid of everything I have simply because I know that would be ridiculous and not solve anything.
It's like trying to hide form a problem and you know this, but you've got to stop seeing it as a problem, and take up the reigns of reality.

It's alright to feel like you are feeling and do what you are doing because of it. Everyone doubts themselves, but who actually has a good reason?

If you feel you can't control your dressing, maybe you can't. Maybe you need to just give into it.
OR, hide it the rest of your life and be a complete wreck of nerves and stress.

But before you dive into this cycle of relieving your mounting stress to be fem and spending every waking moment thinking about it, and possibly acting upon it, ask yourself what is important to you?

You said your marriage.

Discuss with your wife your concerns because YOU + HER = YOUR MARRIAGE.
There are two people ALONE who can decide what the best recourse is and who have control of the situation.

[AnnaMaria]

I have to agree with Christine on this one. I really think that the biggest problem that you have is in the fact that you have not yet accepted who you really are. You have to be comfortable with who you are before you can be comfortable with what your wife thinks or feels about you.

When I first came out to my wife I thought for sure that she would want a divorce but after some talking and a lot of understanding from her I began to realize that she was ok with it. Though at times she does still feel like she wants to have just an average man for a husband she also realizeses that the person that she got is twice the person she expected. That was what helped me to get over the fear and shame of being a transgender. Plus the fact that in my heart I believe that God made me this way for a reason. I have no clue what the reason is but I am sure that I am suppose to do something important that I can only do as a transgender, something that the average man couldn't or wouldn't do because of all that we are taught from the time that we are old enough to understand the conditioning.

But, the acceptance has to come from the inside of you. No one else can give it to you and as long as you are feeling shame or guilt over it you will never be truly free to be yourself.

good luck
Huggs
Anna

[Khriss]

yeah ,,,I think I can relate- a "former GF" found a pair of patent thigh High boots in My closet boxed up w/red pumps, undies and a long wig,,, might have been better if the pics included, were of another woman - and NOT- me!?-hmmm a fine line 4 sure,,, though TV-ism has honestly been more pleasure than pain(curse?),, and purging never rid Me of the desires to-- You Know!?,,, talk with Her, often ,, about Your "hobby" realy,, - and hopeallworksout4You-and "her" as well eh xx "K" love counts!-maudlin thought but-hmm

[biddy]

Karrisa,
From what I can gather from your starting post and latter affermation post, If you accept you as you all the hassels will go bush and not return.
Infact if you don't get around to acheiving this you could well loose your greatest jewell, your wife.
It has been my observation that humans do not take having their trust REJECTED well, it seems to create resentments. Your wife says that it is not an issue for her, so don't make it one.
You mention that when you's go out it winds up being about your needs and never your wifes, perhaps this is playing on your guilt. Simple enough to solve next time that you's go out be consious to make the WHOLE outing about your wife, regardless of your urges.
Purging: The next time you feel the need to purge do so. Instead of disposing of all your possesions try simply not wearing them, hang things in the wardrobe, have your underwear in your draws, all your shoes where they belong, simply don't weare them.
I done this and found it made accepting this part of me more acceptable to me.
I guess my point there is to throw it out is an attempt to throw your-self out, rejection is a majior issue for us when done by others, so how bloody impossible is it to acheive when we try to reject our-selfs +?

[Stlalice]

I've said this before in this forum but it bears repeating - the best thing for you would be to find a good therapist whose specialty is gender issues to help both you and your wife jointly sort out your problems. You did the right thing going into therapy the first time but someone that doesn't specialize in gender issues is likely to be of only limited help. A couple of places to look for one - go to www.ifge.org - The International Foundation for Gender Education and ask them about professional listings for your area/state. If you can find one the local version of the LGBT Pride Pages phone book will often have listings for therapists too. Or check with PFLAG - Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays - they also deal with transgender issues. Good Luck kid - if all else fails PM me with your state and city and I'll check the IFGE listings for you. :thumbsup:

[GypsyKaren]

If I were you, I'd print out Christine's advice, tape it to my bedroom mirror and read it every day. She really hits the nail on the head, you've got to learn to love and accept yourself. Your story sounds so familiar, I think we've all been through what you're going through. I know that once I accepted myself for who I am a great deal of pressure let go and I now have found a balance for it all. I know that's easier said than done, but that's the key.
Therapy has helped me a great deal and I highly recommend it. Find someone you feel comfortable with and don't hold back. You've got a supporting wife which is so important, don't be afraid to look to her for help and guidance. I always thought my situation was hopeless, I went through 40 years of beating myself up over being tg, but things are good now, and they will be for you too.
GypsyKaren

[Julie]

Stop feeling guilty BAM = problem solved.

Some wise words there Ibuki.

We tend to beat ourselves up because the society we live in tells our dressing is bad. But who does it hurt? Your wife seems cool about it so why aren't you?

I grew up at a time when crossdressing wasn't even a word, much less talked about openly. The Internet didn't exist. Imagine how you would feel if you thought you were the only one in the world like that. That's how I felt until I finally found a support group. I was 41.

Stop beating yourself up. I'll bet your dressing and shopping habits are quite normal for a CD. If not, I'd have expected to hear you say your wife thought it was a problem. It's probably your sense of guilt that makes it seem so out of control.

Be grateful you live in a world where there are places to go so you know you're not alone. Appreciate the fact you have a loving and caring wife. Accept yourself for who you are. Your incessant guilt could make your life a living hell. Get rid of it. Be happy for all you have. Not everyone has a wife who is as accepting as yours. Let her know how much you appreciate her. And relax, you're more normal than you realize.

[karrisa]

Thank you all for the great advise. I've shared this thread with my wife and she agrees with all of you. I'll be looking for a specialised therapist and probably ending my purge. I want to take it slowly though and try to maintain control. Thanks again.