Can you relate to any of this mess?

[stephgoth]

I am not looking for a label, I just want to ramble on a bit about gender thoughts. I figure it will help me a bit if people can relate, and also if people can't relate. Sort of a test market, hehe.

OK, As a child I told a friend I wanted to be a girl. Wore some of my moms clothes once or twice, some underpants. Most of the time I looked in Playboy I was just jealous that they were sexy women and I wasn't. I remember being shocked when I discovered there were operations to change ones gender. The idea both scared and fascinated me. Sexual fantasy usually was me imagining I was the woman in the picture, not imagining what i'd do to the woman in the picture.

Over the years since, I have done everything I could not to want to be a girl, very butch hobbies, etc. but my mannerisms remain largely feminine. Every few years I would think about becoming a girl and then write it off as i'd never pass anyway etc, etc.

Now, for some reason, I am open to exploring my feminine side. The first time I crossdressed it was sexually exciting. The second and subsequent times it was just comfortable. I get excited about cute outfits, but not in a fetishistic way at all.

I am back to being jealous of women for being women, I stopped that for a long time and it is wierd to have that feeling back.

My sexuality has become a bit odd. Last month I was a straight man. Now I would say I am a straight man and a bisexual woman. Woman + man turns me on, as does woman + woman. Man + man does not, so I must really feel like a woman to want to be with a man when in that mode. In the past during sex I have put myself in the position of my partner and made her pleasure most important. Fantasizing on my part to be sure, but it made me a heck of a lover.

Most of my adult life I have been afraid of transexuals and gender reassignment surgery. In retrospect it was probably because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to keep from doing the same once SRS was demystified. Now that I am being open with myself, my fear is gone AND i'm pretty sure I won't get it, but if I do its OK.

I am thinking of getting hair transplants to restore the bit of hair I have lost, and some laser to take off a bit of extra body hair I wouldn't mind gone even as a man. I'm thinking arms and chest.

I'd love to have breasts, I even have very small ones due to a medication I took for 6 months. Full size real or fake breasts are a long way off.

As to the sexy bits, I have enjoyed my male parts, and would likely enjoy female bits. The whole thing is a wash, I have more sensation as I am, but I'd fit better into clothes without the guy. My thought is to wait a year or two, at least until I find a life partner I can trust and make the decision then. If my love wants bits, i'd keep them. If they didn't i'd decide on that at that time. I figure no HRT until the bits question is decided.

All this is academic as I am completely in the closet at this point, but these are the thoughts in my head. I tend to change my mind on stuff all the time, so I may even decide not to cross dress. I think this is probably unlikely since many of these thoughts have been bouncing around in my noggin since I was younger than 10.

All of this is predicated on wether I can pass or not, and if I can't then getting over my fear of not passing.

I am not trying to offend, just having a bit of a brain dump, If anything I say is offensive, I didn't mean it that way and am terribly sorry.

Again, I don't want a label, I just want to hear from you if you can identify with any of this, or if any of it seems very foreign to you.

Love,

Steph

[deja true]

Gosh Steph...!!!

I can relate to most of what your saying...and none of it is foreign at all...

You've been thinking about this a lot and in a very rational way. In fact, this description of your state of mind at present is probably the clearest and least fanciful I have ever read. Straight forward and plain spoken. Congratulations...:)

In particular, your description of how you related to your lovers is a description I could have written myself if I coud have found the words. And I'm sure many of us will relate to that simple but subtle insight.

Thanks Steph, your self analysis helps us all...

[Jessinthesprings]

I'm not sure how this could offend anyone. It is how you feel about yourself, not others. I would have to say though I think almost all of us have had those feelings at one point or another. I was just like you. If I can't pass then I'm not a woman then why go to all the effort? That requirement for transition has since gone the way of the dinosaur. Not the fear mind you. I am terrified everytime I step out the door. It has gotten easier however.

I feel it is time for you to take a good look within. While time is of the essence as far as getting the most out of HRT, you should not allow others to push you farther than you are ready. You need to be yourself.

[Raquel June]

I actually identify completely with a lot of what you said, specially when you talk about experiencing sex vicariously. I've mentioned it before on this forum, and nobody else seemed to have similar feelings. Maybe that's why I'm not in a hurry to get SRS. My relationships have never really been good, but I've been told by several ex-girlfriend's that that the sex was amazing. A few of them keep trying to hook up even though they have boyfriends. Of course that makes me think, "Sheesh! Now I'm glad we broke up!"

I got into my mom's & aunt's stuff a few times when I was between 3 and 12. I always prayed to wake up as a girl, but it never happened, and I never really took TS issues anymore seriously than I took Santa Claus. When I stopped dreaming of that, I decided at least having pretty hair and earrings would be something I could look forward to. My family is super-conservative born-agains, and when I graduated high school I told them where to go and didn't get a haircut for a long time.

I've never been afraid of transsexuals, though. I actually became kinda obsessed with TS porn for awhile, but I found I was really just identifying with the girl.

I'm also afraid of surgery. I hate scars and I have really nice, sensitive skin. A few women I've dated have actually complained that my hands were too soft.

I'm sure everybody on this forum could describe their sexuality as "a bit odd." I usually refer to myself as a quasi-celibate bisexual. I'm not attracted to men, but that doesn't exactly keep you from being bi. Most women realize that men aren't really that attractive and the female form is the beautiful one. I don't think I'll go into any more detail about my sex life for now. :heehee:




All of this is predicated on wether I can pass or not, and if I can't then getting over my fear of not passing.

I think a lot more people feel that way than are willing to admit. I know I do.

I'm fine with being androgynous. I'm fine with having puffed up nipples from progesterone. I'm fine with having laser hair removal. And I'm fine with having long hair. I don't see those things as out of place for someone with a less-than-female voice. If that's the stopping point for my transition, I could probably live with that.

Speaking of compensating with butch hobbies, from about 2002-2007 I lifted weights a lot. I'm pretty broad-shouldered. Even if I'm not totally passable, I'd like to be able to think of myself as kinda cute before I went full-time. When I see myself all done up in a wig, I see a person that looks like a weird guy with a big neck trying to look like a girl. I really just want a look that works that I can be happy with. So it's not about me being obsessed with passing. I just want to be something that doesn't come off as a malformed attempt at femininity -- which is what I think I currently have. I want something that's comfortable to me and not off-putting to the general public, regardless of whether they think I was born female or not.

I don't really think in terms of where I am in a transition. I just think in terms of what I'm comfortable with. I don't think it makes me less TG than others, but others often think that you need to have a definite plan to get your penis removed ASAP or you can't identify as TS, so I avoid self-applying that label most of the time. Whatever you call yourself, though, trying to conform to other people's ideas of what transition is and what it requires will lead to you doing things that you may not really have wanted. I think the steps the medical community wants you to take are particularly bizarre. Maybe it works for some people, but the whole idea of a night-and-day transition to living as a female isn't something that would ever work for me. I have to get comfortable with this slowly. Many doctors want you to live as female before you get on HRT. What's that even mean? Does it mean demanding your friends call you a different name than you were born with? Does it mean you have to wear a stuffed bra? How bizarre is that? I've always liked long hair and eyeliner. Does that mean I've already been living as female for years?

There are trannier-than-thou girls out there who resent this kind of thinking. They see someone who isn't 100% committed to their idea of transition, and then they look at themselves and what they went through. They see it as taking the easy way out if you don't do what they did. Many things they say should actually be translated as, "Hey! You're not really TS! You have to be like me! Those are the rules! You're cheating!"

It's what's on the inside that matters, right? I wish I were born a girl. I want to be a girl. But I don't really know how to define myself, and I don't think fully transitioning (however you define that) would somehow make me more who I am. At this point I really can't even picture what kind of relationship I could be happy in. So I don't know where I'm going. I have no immediate plans for my boy parts. I'm just doing what I do.

Some people fixate on their genitals. I fixate on my hair. Not many people see me naked.

[Hope]

Offensive? no.

Almost word-for-word my own experience? Yes.

[stephgoth]

Thanks for the insights! I really appreciate the confidence and help.

I went out with guy friends to mardi gras tonight and felt totally weird having just written the above prior to seeing them.

Most of the night I was thinking about putting pandora back in the box and stuffing my gender issues again, then i'd see a woman and that reaction of immediately looking at her as competition/jealousy would nail me. I had stuffed that wonderful feeling for probably 15-20 years and now it is back in full force. Joy.

So, anyway, i'd rather be a normal guy (hahah cue laughter), failing that i'm going to cross dress and go out where I won't see friends or family. If that isn't enough, All steps after that are huge life changers. i guess i'll have to cross that bridge when i get there.

I do think i might get my hair fixed, and maybe a bit of laser, i want to feel pretty even as a man.

steph

[gagirl1]

i definitely agree with you on most points you have made, except only a couple. but, i'd like to add myself to the list of people here that feel the same as you, steph, if only to build your confidence in your own gender exploration and expression.

however, there is a point i must rebuke. that being, having srs because your partner wishes you to do so. i don't think that's a good idea at all. this is just my opinion, but if you're going to take that much effort to earn the money for it, go through the pain of recovery, and the actual amibuity of having a vagina, i don't think it should be done for anyone but yourself. relationships can come and go. your vagina will be forever. make sure you're doing it for yourself. there is nothing wrong with being non/pre-op. in fact, i think it takes more guts to not have surgery nowadays. everyone expects transwomen to have 'the surgery,' that to choose not to has become more out of the ordinary to the general public. the decision is up to you, sweetheart. don't let someone talk you into it because of his or her own personal reasons.

[Raquel June]

your vagina will be forever. make sure you're doing it for yourself.

I understand what you're saying, and in a way I totally agree with you, but let me add the other side of my feelings.

The talk of "for yourself" that so many people use has always bothered me. Women often say they buy lingerie for themselves or get breast implants for themselves. That is kinda ridiculous. A large part of the reason they're doing it for themselves is because they think it will be appealing to the type of person they want to be with.

For me, as much as I want to be female I simply can't make any decision about my genitalia until I get a clearer picture of what kind of relationship I'm going to be happy in long-term. It's hard for me to hear some TS people talk about the utter disgust they have for their penis without thinking this is likely an important issue they should be talking to a therapist about, not just blindly rushing to remove the offending organ.

I can only think of two TS people I know who are truly happy and in a relationship. One waited to get SRS until she was in that relationship (although she probably would have otherwise) and one is non-op and in a relationship with a guy who is fine with that.

So getting SRS for a specific person is a terrible idea on the surface, but if you know that's the type of person you want to be with then I think you'll be find having the right genitalia for the type of relationship you want to have, ya know?

[gagirl1]

i kinda see what you're saying, racquel, but i still have to disagree. just personal preference i guess. i'd want to be with someone who cares for me regardless of my genitals, and if i wish to have surgery, they would be supportive of that as well. but i'm an idealist in that respect. i just don't her to have regrets if things don't work out in such a relationship.

[Kimberley]

I can relate to some of it but not all.

My life has been pretty much a constant of Gender Dysphoria so dressing was rarely exciting. Xdressing was dressing male. It made me uncomfortable and still does when I have to. My overarching concern through my life has been gender identity. It has negatively impacted every facet of my life. Years of therapy have helped me come to terms with it though despite the fact that it still interferes way too much and too often.

Sex or sexual preference played no role at all in my gender issues then or now.

The GD is still rampant but soon to be on HRT so that will alleviate some of the discomfort and hopefully let me get on with living a "normal" life.

Just a different perspective I guess.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[StevieTV]

Wow! It's like we come from the same place. You are not alone and I believe with time and learning more it will become clearer. Have you taken the COGATI test?

[Raquel June]

I could care less if I passed, I just want to BE a woman.

I would do SRS in an instant...

I thought it was what was on the inside that mattered.

Changing your genitalia doesn't make you a genetic woman. Certainly it can be appreciated as a step towards making the outside match the inside, but if you dress like a guy, act like a guy, and everyone thinks you're a guy, would you really "BE a woman" just because you had surgery on your pee-pee? I'll bet I could find some guys with penile cancer who would take offense to that theory.

I might as well say that I become a woman every time I put on underwear. If a penis is hidden in your pants but nobody sees it, do you really have a penis? I am 100% woman as long as my junk remains obscured! Quite philosophical (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philosophy_of_perception#Philosophical_ideas_about _perception), yes? :battingeyelashes:

[Kimberley]

Raquel, these are exactly the kind of red flags I commented about on the other thread. I rest my case.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[morgan pure]

I quote: "relationships can come and go. your vagina will be forever."

Be as careful about SRS as you are about your tattoos.

I've always observed and liked this crazy difference. Since I was six. It certainly sets one apart.

[stephgoth]

Wow! It's like we come from the same place. You are not alone and I believe with time and learning more it will become clearer. Have you taken the COGATI test?
Thanks for the tip, I just looked it up and took it. It said:

Your COGIATI result value is: 115 Which means that you fall within the following category:
COGIATI classification THREE, ANDROGYNE

and

As an androgynous being, both genders, and both sexes are natural to your expression. Permanent polarization in either direction might bring significant unhappiness. It is not recommended that you go through a complete transsexual transformation. You might find a partial transformation of value, if you find yourself more attracted overall to the feminine. You are more likely a transgenderist, than a transsexual. It is recommended that you recognize that your gender issues are real, but that extreme action regarding them should be viewed with great caution.

That is reassuring, and kind of mirrors what I have been experiencing as of late. I have always been pretty much in the middle, sometimes more fem, sometimes more butch. Generally I have stuffed and denied the fem side. Maybe once I get used to finally being honest with myself about the situation I might retake the test and end up somewhere else. I went through two times and double checked my answers to make sure i was being as honest as I could humanly be.

love,

Steph

[helenr]

Interesting feedback. Surely most of us have envisioned being female in physical appearance to match out minds. Maybe then we could experience not having an orgasm as the male rushed to his climax and the end of the party.
Seriously, I think that one thing you will surely 'gain' from taking anti androgens and estrogen is losing a huge amount of libido. Noctural erections-sort of like calithentics for the little boy-will lessen in frequency, getting aroused and maintaining an erection will be harder. Finally, it will be too much bother to even try. Then you can also experience what apparently many if not most women reach at some point-usually worn out from the kids, painful intercourse,etc-that sex isn't all that big a deal. It will surely kill any desire for casual sex -you see the ads "anything and everything"--forget it. So there is much to consider with this med regimen. good luck, helenr

[Melissa A.]

I It's hard for me to hear some TS people talk about the utter disgust they have for their penis without thinking this is likely an important issue they should be talking to a therapist about, not just blindly rushing to remove the offending organ.

So getting SRS for a specific person is a terrible idea on the surface, but if you know that's the type of person you want to be with then I think you'll be find having the right genitalia for the type of relationship you want to have, ya know?

If you are transexual, and doing things the way you're supposed to, this issue has been settled. We HAVE talked about it, over and over. I don't think too many slip thru and get to blindly rush into anything. Personally, my sexuality, as a heterosexual woman, has also been settled. But even if it wasnt, shopping around to fit your body to a relationship seems a bit backwards to me. Relationships end, feelings change. Besides, practicality makes this kind of impossible. I know there are exceptions, non-ops, trans people with shades of grey to who they are, etc... but the combination of estrogen and T-blockers have all but killed the function of my penis. Even if I wanted to(I don't), keeping it really ain't an option. This is the whole point: A true MtF transexual was born all wrong. The feelings of male sexuality are wrong. It doesnt feel right, and it never did. The organ is wrong. One of the first things we feel when it starts to die is peace. Rushing? for most of us, it's decades late.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Raquel June]

If you are transexual, and doing things the way you're supposed to, this issue has been settled. We HAVE talked about it, over and over. I don't think too many slip thru and get to blindly rush into anything.

I don't think many slip through the cracks, either. My point is that "the way you're supposed to" is pretty silly, and the only purpose it really serves is keeping people from blindly rushing in. The accepted "standards of care" aren't really required to keep people from rushing in, though, and I'm glad to see them becoming less popular.




This is the whole point: A true MtF transexual was born all wrong. The feelings of male sexuality are wrong. It doesnt feel right, and it never did. The organ is wrong. One of the first things we feel when it starts to die is peace. Rushing? for most of us, it's decades late.

I understand that's where many TS people are coming from. That's why I think it's easier to refer to myself as TG to keep from pissing people off. Regardless, I can't help but be a little concerned when people start making a lot of demands about what "a true M2F transsexual" is or isn't.

I know what I feel like on the inside. I'm not fixated on my genitalia. There are a lot of guys who are fixated on the size of their penis, but most women are not obsessed with their genitalia except to the extent that they don't want it to be off-putting to their partners. I don't have a partner, and I'm not in the habit of taking off my clothes in front of anybody.

If someone asked me, "Would you rather be a pretty girl with a penis or an ugly girl with a vagina," I would choose the former. Does that make me less of a transsexual? I could understand if people said it does. I want to be attractive, confident, feminine, strong ... I want to be a lot of things. I work hard to be those things. But the mechanics of me going to the bathroom is not something I'm particularly preoccupied with. I look in the mirror and say, "Why can't I be prettier?" or "Why can't I have better hair and a tiny waist and a bigger butt and a smaller neck?" But I don't get naked in front of the mirror and freak out because "the organ is all wrong." That makes me different from a lot of you, which is fine as long as people don't accuse me of being a confused crossdresser on HRT.

We all would rather wake up with a perfect female body, GGs and tgirls alike. Obviously getting SRS and knowing you're a major step closer to what you should've been is a big deal, but none of us will ever truly get to where we'd like to be physically. The ability realize the limitations of what you can do about it and be OK with yourself is a sign of mental stability. Going through your whole life with body dysmorphic disorder is miserable.

[Melissa A.]

I do agree that the so-called standards of care, which are decades old, are in bad need of revision. Although they are used with alot more flexibility now. And maybe there's an arguement to the point that there isn't a "true" anything. I suppose I use that as a reference point. I sorta cringed when I saw that I wrote that, and I certainly don't feel superior to someone who can live with their penis (that would be a bizzare twist on penis envy) And I guess I even kind of get the whole "I'd rather be an attractive woman with a penis" arguement. I dont like mine. It's never quite felt right. But that does not mean I look down at my crotch and burst into tears every day. Nor do I demand that all trans people adhere to any true standard. But I do say that those who feel this "utter disgust" that you find it hard to hear are being genuine, and furthermore, that the SOC guidelines are probably one of the reasons, in general, that the post-op remorse rate is so low. Look, I am a firm believer that GRS is the personal end to a much harder and more important road that came before it. It isnt going to change your life any more than transition, coming out, and going full time already has. If your life still sucks before GRS, it will after. Seeing the limitations of what it can do for you is a sign of mental health. The sadness and anxiety of being born with a major birth defect is understandable, though, I think. One of the main (but not the only)reasons I want GRS? I'm a heterosexual woman. I don't think any further explanation is required, there. Yeah, Ive had all the same wishes about my body-"I wish it were this or that". But it's not what keeps me up at night. would I feel differently if I werent minimally passable? maybe. I dunno. I know I can honestly say I dont care who knows I'm trans, anywhere, anytime. It's none of anyone's business what's betwenn my legs, unless I choose to make it their busness. It isnt what defines you as a woman, or a man. But my negative feelings about what' currently there are genuine, and in almost all cases, really well thought out.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[stephgoth]

As a quick update, in case anyone is following along... I have been seeing the same therapist for 5 years and have never mentioned any gender issues, other than my fear/fascination regarding transgendered people, and my ex gf and taking many gender roles opposite our sexual roles e.g she mowed the lawn, I cooked and grocery shopped. I saw him last week and came clean about all my gender issues, and he wasn't the least bit surprised, and was very supportive. He said I had gender dysphoria, big surprise.
So at this point I consider myself neither male nor female, therapy time and crossdressing will possibly swing me to one camp or the other, if it does or doesn't that is OK.

Steph

[carolinoakland]

Honey therapy will provide no answears, just directions and options. The choice is yours. I think that you're still looking for someone else to make the choice for you by the comment that you wanted to find a gf who would accept you and help you through this. First.Transition is an extremely personal thing, and it's one that you have to be very selfish about finding out what your needs, like's and dislikes are in the new gender role. I ache somedays for someone to be in my life. But if I did that I would eventully hurt them just because as my gender changes I have no idea how I'm going to feel about preference's. You really have to make the choice of what YOU want to do for YOU. And you won't know what that is until your on your own. Carol

[stephgoth]

Thank you so much for your insights!


You really have to make the choice of what YOU want to do for YOU.

Thing is, I am so confused right now, I have no idea what I want. A very good friend once said if you don't know what to do, don't do anything. So I am just going to do healthy things that feel right, and eventually the bigger answers will become apparent. The last thing I want to do is rush anything or make a decision when i'm not ready.

I go back and forth thinking im just a normal guy, and then realizing a normal guy would cringe at the idea of srs rather than going Hmmm maybe... and i've been toying with the idea off and on since i heard it existed back in the 80s. Also normal guys haven't had to try hard to be guys, they just are a guy and it comes naturally. Time will tell. Ive been trying so hard to be a guy for so many years I may have gone too far down that road.

love,

Steph

[Empress Lainie]

I am not looking for a label, I just want to ramble on a bit about gender thoughts. I figure it will help me a bit if people can relate, and also if people can't relate. Sort of a test market, hehe.

I can relate to much of what you said as follows.

OK, As a child I told a friend I wanted to be a girl. Wore some of my moms clothes once or twice, some underpants. Most of the time I looked in Playboy I was just jealous that they were sexy women and I wasn't. I remember being shocked when I discovered there were operations to change ones gender. The idea both scared and fascinated me. Sexual fantasy usually was me imagining I was the woman in the picture, not imagining what i'd do to the woman in the picture.

I wore my sister's skirt as a pretend Greek soldier at 7, because I liked the skirt. I wore her dress at 13 because she was wearing my pants, I sat in the backyard visiting my friends and eating watermelon in her dress. I really liked wearing the dress. When I was 12 I wore her dress all day for halloween and a scarf my grandmother fixed on my head, and was disappointed when the "gypsy" fortune teller at the elementary school party told me I was a boy. I remember at 7 wishing I was a girl. My mama told me she wanted to be a boy when she was little and that someone told her if you could kiss you elbow you would change. Believe me I really tried then. However other than the foregoing I never wanted to crossdress.

Over the years since, I have done everything I could not to want to be a girl, very butch hobbies, etc. but my mannerisms remain largely feminine. Every few years I would think about becoming a girl and then write it off as i'd never pass anyway etc, etc.

As time went on for me, I knew I was different somehow for all boys and men I knew, and also knew I was not as strong as them or as masculine built, but didn't realize that was what it was. My mannerisms were sort of feminine but not "gay" per say. I did many things like fixing cars, which I liked to do, became an engineer, electrical, mechanical and plumbing, raised a family, but never liked hanging out with guys, watching sports, doing sports except for baseball in my teens when they all said I threw like a girl(surprise!).

Now, for some reason, I am open to exploring my feminine side. The first time I crossdressed it was sexually exciting. The second and subsequent times it was just comfortable. I get excited about cute outfits, but not in a fetishistic way at all.

The first time I went out en femme, at age 72, the day after I discovered who I really was,I was you might say fearful, of being made fun of, but instead I was completely accepted as a woman. (I couldn't say I was a woman for about a month, until then I could only say I was a girl - Dr. Bushong explains why in his treatise, and he was right. First I went to dinner with my sister dressed in a skirt and blouse and wig to where we went frequently. She said are you going out like that,and I told her yes. I talked to the hostess as we were leaving about experimenting with living as a female. (I was wrong about that! no experiment!)

The next night I went to KFC, in my swirly white skirt and red blouse and wig. and danced while I waited for my order, checking the girls behind the counter to see what they thought of me. Complete acceptance as female, and they looked like they wanted to come and dance with me. I never ever got sexually excited about female dressing, it was simply the right clothes for me and I hated men's clothes forever, not knowing why. I started wearing wigs 7 years before transition and women's nightgowns 8 years before transition My then wife would make a comment like they were too feminine. Funny tho, she also knew before I did that I was a female person.

I am back to being jealous of women for being women, I stopped that for a long time and it is weird to have that feeling back.

Now I look at women: first, do I have bigger breasts?
Secondly their shape, I am jealous of the fact that I am mostly straight up and down not hourglass shaped. So knowing I can't ever look 22 with an hourglass shape, I just admire and appreciate them. I love dancing with other women, but I also like dancing with men. I wish frequently that I had been born female, but then wouldn't have had these particular children. But I would never have felt different from others like I did before transition.



My sexuality has become a bit odd. Last month I was a straight man. Now I would say I am a straight man and a bisexual woman. Woman + man turns me on, as does woman + woman. Man + man does not, so I must really feel like a woman to want to be with a man when in that mode. In the past during sex I have put myself in the position of my partner and made her pleasure most important. Fantasizing on my part to be sure, but it made me a heck of a lover.

I have spent hundreds of hours studying the female body and genitals and how to sexually please women. It has made me a wonderful lover (yes, blowing my own horn, but that is what I have been told before transition.) I was never a gay man, and men and boys all my life I had no use for.
I played with the girls until 6th grade, then I wouldn't play with the boys, just stay by myself on the playground.

I had announced myself as lesbian on another internet forum 6 months before my transition, even when I didn't know I was female. I thought it was funny but it was true. I put my gender as "undetermined" which was actually at that time completely fitting.

Since my transition lately I have been having more thoughts of actually being with a man but I don't know if it is due to hormones or just the fact that since I am a woman it is natural, so I think I have to admit I may be bi-sexual now.

Most of my adult life I have been afraid of transexuals and gender reassignment surgery. In retrospect it was probably because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to keep from doing the same once SRS was demystified. Now that I am being open with myself, my fear is gone AND i'm pretty sure I won't get it, but if I do its OK.

In my case, I didn't know what a transexual was or even that "********" existed until I was 39 when I accidentally saw a porn book with some in it. I knew about Christine Jorgensen in the sixties, but didn't realize the relevance to me, as I was living in the male mode, albeit not very masculine and certainly not the macho I always despised! I became very fascinated with ******** on the net from when I first had a computer in 1996, and didn't know why. SM+M, or SM+F, or F+F or M+F were interesting to me but I never had any sexual arousal from looking at the pics or videos. (I AM NOT LYING, honestly, even if that is hard to believe, but I think it was because I reacted in the female mode rather than male mode, that is still true today.)

I am thinking of getting hair transplants to restore the bit of hair I have lost, and some laser to take off a bit of extra body hair I wouldn't mind gone even as a man. I'm thinking arms and chest.

Thankfully my body hair is light in color and sparse. Unthankfully I got more and more bald as time went on and I could not stand it, so started wearing wigs in 2000. I had separated from my ex in 2000, who would never allow me to wear a wig while with her for the 5 years afterward that we travelled or went out together.

I bought my first one while out with my girlfriend at the time and she liked it. I am now her best girlfriend. Neither could I stand in the 1970's when I was only 35 having short typical male hair and so I let my hair grow long since at that time a man could get away with it. My first wife commented one time that she never had sex with a woman before (due to my long hair!) I still have not had laser or electrolysis due to costs, so I still must shave daily or twice daily (I can go 24hrs passably),and much better shave than I did as a guy. Hormones will allow your hair to grow back on your head, as I have seen on me but not as much as I would like, and from another TS, much younger who says her hair is coming back.

I'd love to have breasts, I even have very small ones due to a medication I took for 6 months. Full size real or fake breasts are a long way off.

Herbal hormones are what made mine grow and unlike a real man, I WELCOMED them. Shortly after my transition I got some D size breast forms. I consider explants the equal of implants but without the surgery and bother. Dressed they look the same. I have natural 44B. My camisole gives me a 44C but with nothing extra added. Some gals glue their breast forms on, but I see no point since I wear a bra anyway. The triangular breast forms are cheaper, look just as good and mine were only $130. Artificial implants only last 10 years by the way and you need them replaced; so I have been told by a TS that got them recently. Cost about $6-10K.

As to the sexy bits, I have enjoyed my male parts, and would likely enjoy female bits. The whole thing is a wash, I have more sensation as I am, but I'd fit better into clothes without the guy. My thought is to wait a year or two, at least until I find a life partner I can trust and make the decision then. If my love wants bits, i'd keep them. If they didn't i'd decide on that at that time. I figure no HRT until the bits question is decided.

I can relate to the clothes bit completely. But there are devices you can wear that make you look from the front completely female, I bought one and can wear a women's bikini bottom without any fear or adverse comments. I hope you find one of those wonderful women willing to accept you totally. I know of two couples married before the mtf transition and have been together 15 years since. My male bits are not fully functional as if I had anybody anyway. Don't know if it is the hormones or just age +diabetes that is responsible. I would do SRS tomorrow if I could. I would even settle for the cosmetic (vagina-less) SRS. If you want to know where you can get the device, PM me or email me.

All this is academic as I am completely in the closet at this point, but these are the thoughts in my head. I tend to change my mind on stuff all the time, so I may even decide not to cross dress. I think this is probably unlikely since many of these thoughts have been bouncing around in my noggin since I was younger than 10.

All of this is predicated on whether I can pass or not, and if I can't then getting over my fear of not passing.

There are many TS's who still look somewhat like guys, enough for people to look just to wonder if they are male or female, my SO is one to my sorrow. She is so sensitive about it. I have lectured one group of late teens/20's when they were talking about her. They were shocked when I said I was a tranny too. They will never do that again as they learned from my lecture to accept us and they thanked me for the information. You will have times you have to let it just go by you, depending on how you look. I know of some who have spent thousands on facial reconstruction and they still facially look more male than female. Yet I passed from day one, only due to genetic luck, God does play dice with the universe, or at least with us TS's.

I am not trying to offend, just having a bit of a brain dump, If anything I say is offensive, I didn't mean it that way and am terribly sorry.

Looking for input from others can never offend me. I hope I didn't give you too much overwhelming information, but we are all different and what is working for me may not work for you unfortunately.

Again, I don't want a label, I just want to hear from you if you can identify with any of this, or if any of it seems very foreign to you.

Among all CD's and TS's, there are many differences but also many similarities. The stories we all have to tell will have many common threads but still be different.

Love,

Steph

Thank you and love to you, Steph, from Lainie.

[Melissa A.]

Hi Steph

I apologise for getting off track of your thread. Confusion goes with the territtory. Once I was really in a position to discover what I really needed, that's when everything got really confusing! It sounds like you're doing the smart thing-continuing therapy and not freaking out about it. Everything-past behavior, sexual stuff, what makes you feel right now-It will all come together eventuallly. Because one thing is true-with or without a label, there is one truth that fits you. You just havent found your path to it yet. Some of what I see in your self-described past I see in me, some not, but in others I know. None of us has really reinvented the wheel, here, but that doesnt take away from our individuality. The very same thoughts and activities can have different meanings, and similar meanings can come from totally diverse experiences. We do have the trans "experience" in common, wherever we derive it from, and I suppose that's important. You're not alone in your confusion, or the crossroads you seem to feel you're approaching. Use the experiences of others, take how you feel seriously, and the answers will come. They eventually will. I hope sooner rather than later for ya, sweetie.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[4serrus]

I don't... well, parts of it I can relate to, but not nearly as much as the other posters. For a number of possible reasons, some which might sound sexist so I won't say nothin.

I always felt weird and out-of-place everywhere I tried to go growing up. The girls would accept me, but I felt really uncomfortable there. I'd try to play with the boys but they wouldn't let be because I was a girl and I had cooties. I would rather play rocketships on the swings than sit and talk about dolls. Haaaated skirts and would only wear jeans, t-shirts and sneakers. I grew up superchristian though so every aspect of my life was moderated. There wasn't much freedom to choose my own activities. I was always a boy in my own play-imaginings, fantasies, whatnot. When I got to about 12 I just started pretending at all the girl stuff just to fit in. I never understood the big deal about it, but I learned enough about fashion, boys, all that crap to fool people. I got so good at it I even started fooling myself for a while. I knew about crossdressing and Transexualism... but I thought it was something that only happened to people born male. People like me were just tomboys. Or butch. Or "awkward" rough girls who needed princess treatment just like in the Diaries. I don't even know what possessed me to start looking this stuff up again years and years later to discover that Yes, In Fact, There Is Such a thing as FtM. Bloomin' crazy I tell ya.

[Raquel June]

I'd try to play with the boys but they wouldn't let be because I was a girl and I had cooties.

Did you ever get that taken care of? There are several OTC topical medications!




I grew up superchristian though so every aspect of my life was moderated.

I've noticed that a huge number of people I meet in gay bars were brought up "superchristian." I had to go to Sunday school, Sunday morning church, Sunday evening church, Wednesday Bible study, Christian summer camps (multiple ones each summer), and even got sent away to some Christian camp for bad kids (bad as in those that were gay or having sex or just too weird).

And none of it worked!

[kellycan27]

I agree with you in regards to SRS. As for my transitioning so far, I don't feel that what I have done with my body, ie hrt and implants was done for the edification of anyone but me. I want to look as female as I can on the outside to try and match how I feel on the inside. I am 26 years old and have just recently begun my first, what I would call "serious relationship." Up until this point I think I can honestly say that it has been all about me. i couldn't contemplate a relationship with another until I felt comfortable with myself.As for my man bits.... my sexual preference which for lack of a better term would be that of a hetrosexual female. that being the case, where would they be of use? I don't hate, nor am I disgusted with them, but then again I have no real use for them other than that they allow me to pee standing up. The decision to keep them or wack them off would be insane if done ( as you I think mentioned) solely for the purpose of another person. i am sure that SRS is in my future, but when I do have it done it will be done for no other reason than my own edification.it would be wonderful to be able to enjoy a lasting relationship with a hetrosexual man, but the bottom line is that srs would complete my attempt to be be and feel as female as I possible can. To me that would be more important than a sexual relationship. I enjoy sex as much as the next person, but it's not the driving force behind Kelly. As for passing... i won't get into that, as you have already given me your opinion on that subject so I think that we will just have to agree to disagree on that. LOL