Can we believe others' acceptance?

[helenr]

I often have a dream that helps me fall asleep. Essentially, I am having a 'confessional' with a nice woman, explaining transgender, crossdressing,etc. I like to think that this -typically attractive- female is OK and accepting. maybe not encouraging (that is a stretch when I read stuff like that posted)-but at least a true friend.
Question, can we truly trust to believe this? My sister has told me that everyone needs someone to confide in-no secrets. Well, I am 62 and haven't truly found that person. It is one thing if your wife knows you crossdress underneath, that you have a transgender brain,etc--but confiding, that is awkward and embarassing---or at least the fear of this interpretation cautions us from being too open. I am sure our own self doubts make us somewhat distrustful of what others might say.
what do others think about this dilemma?

[Jenna1561]

Helen,

First I'd like to say that we all need to talk about our lives from the mundane to the extraordinary. For many, the spouse/so is there for them. They know each other so well, that they can and do talk about everything. I'm a bit envious of them.

For me, my wife is hostile and will not talk about Jenna's life, which for me is basically my life - there is no difference. But I NEED to share, to talk about my difficulties, my hopes, my fears, what others may think, what reactions I perceive occurring and a myriad of other events in my life.

When a spouse/so can (will) not be the one to listen and share, then we must turn to others. A therapist is a good start, but really, they're not a friend, a confidant. You can't talk to them everyday about everything, unless you've won the lotto. We need a friend. And trust is not an easy commodity to extend, particularly when our thoughts and desires are not understood by so many. Look to your current friends and examine them closely - who might not judge you; who will accept you for you.

Then feel them out, not revealing too much, but discovering their opinions and beliefs. When you think you've found someone who you will trust, then comes the hard part - telling them and awaiting their reaction. Hopefully you're a good judge of your friends and this new confidant will accept and support you and become your sounding board.

For me this new confidant is someone I've known less than a year. But she is so accepting and comfortable with me. She knows more about me than anyone, yes, including my wife (because she doesn't want to know Jenna). This friendship is a two way street. She has confided to me things she has never told a soul, including her husband. We are truly Best Friends.

I wish for you the best of luck in finding that special friend. Mine is a lifesaver!

Keep us posted.


Jen

[MarieTS]

Jenna: Great and realistic portrayal of truth and advice to Helen! You've truly experienced and overcome the trials and tribulations of what we gals go through, and understand the life challenges of ladies in our predicament.
I agree with you that a close friend--like my pseudo sister--can make all the difference. If you ever need another ear to hear & share, I'm here.

[~Kelly~]

..........But I NEED to share, to talk about my difficulties, my hopes, my fears, what others may think, what reactions I perceive occurring and a myriad of other events in my life.

........... A therapist is a good start, but really, they're not a friend, a confidant. You can't talk to them everyday about everything, unless you've won the lotto. We need a friend. And trust is not an easy commodity to extend, particularly when our thoughts and desires are not understood by so many. Look to your current friends and examine them closely - who might not judge you; who will accept you for you.

Then feel them out, not revealing too much, but discovering their opinions and beliefs. When you think you've found someone who you will trust, then comes the hard part - telling them and awaiting their reaction. Hopefully you're a good judge of your friends and this new confidant will accept and support you and become your sounding board.


Excellent points. We all NEED someone to talk to. Someone to work through life little puzzles with with. But just remember that a relationship between two people (and, yes, friendship counts) is just that. A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE. Even with all the issues and concerns we have that are FINALLY able to be talked about in the open, don't attempt to dominate every conversation with them. Every single person on the planet has issues or problems. When you go into a relationship thinking that yours are more important, then you have essentially devalued the life of the friend who has been there to help you. It is great to be able to talk to someone. And not only talk to someone, but talk about ANYTHING. Just don't get so caught up in talking yourself, that you don't allow them the same opportunity.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

All I can add Helen is that in my short time since i've really started down this path, I've met 2 women that were totally (and HONESTLY!!) supportive of their transitioning SO's.....i have no doubt that love can conquer all

there is always hope and i say this after being totally dumped by my wife and she hates me....

as for others, there are LOTS of accepting people out there...many of them may be two-faced, but isnt that ttrue of lots of things???

and to Jenna's point you can think hard about which one of your friends might be most open.....it's still a risk but you seem to be really wanting and needing to express yourself freely..

good luck

[LACD]

My Dear Wife is accepting but no one else knows about my femme side. I have dressed most of my life and my wife is the only one who knows. I have had thoughts about transitioning, but now it is too late in life for that. I hope one day to retire( no, really), and dress and live as I want to. I know my sons would not accept me, so the best I could hope for is my wife to stay with me and maybe find some like minded souls to converse and interact with. I know many of you ladies have and are making the journey of a lifetime and you all have my utmost respect and admiration. I can ony wish you the best of everything and thank you for paving the way for the rest of us.

[joanne2b]

The one and only person who really knows the extent of my feelings and transitioning was at one time a girlfried with whom i was having an affair of long standing, she knew that i crossdressed and had done so in her presence but when I told her that I wished to go the all of the way in transitioning her reaction was, what a waste, did'nt know whether to take that as a compliment. However we have not spoken for two years and she is someone I thought i could confide in and would support me, we have kown each other as friends for 30+ yrs. The upside is that through a mutual friend she has asked me to contact her, had lost her phone & my no, I am yet to do so i do feel that she let me down when I needed her most but in my heart i know that she will support me if i get in touch

[Karen564]

Excellent points. We all NEED someone to talk to. Someone to work through life little puzzles with with. But just remember that a relationship between two people (and, yes, friendship counts) is just that. A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE. Even with all the issues and concerns we have that are FINALLY able to be talked about in the open, don't attempt to dominate every conversation with them. Every single person on the planet has issues or problems. When you go into a relationship thinking that yours are more important, then you have essentially devalued the life of the friend who has been there to help you. It is great to be able to talk to someone. And not only talk to someone, but talk about ANYTHING. Just don't get so caught up in talking yourself, that you don't allow them the same opportunity.

My thoughts exactly, I know I couldn't of said that any better.
It's a two way street, and many get so wrapped up in themselves, they forget their loved ones have problems too.

Helen, I really think you need to open up to her, You need her, and she needs you..if the both of you can't have a conversation about your feelings, what's the point of being married, it sounds very lonely.


The upside is that through a mutual friend she has asked me to contact her, had lost her phone & my no, I am yet to do so i do feel that she let me down when I needed her most but in my heart i know that she will support me if i get in touch.
Joanne,
Call her now, I'm sure she would love to hear from you, just can't throw away a 30 year friendship, so go talk to her, I bet it will lift heart up and you'll feel MUCH better when you do.
You may have felt she left you in your time of need, but by telling her your going all the way, you may have left her in her time of need too.
So don't hold that against her, she did what she had to do, just as you did too..

Karen

[Tizabet]

I like to think that this -typically attractive- female is OK and accepting. maybe not encouraging (that is a stretch when I read stuff like that posted)-but at least a true friend.
Question, can we truly trust to believe this?
If this is her first encounter with trans issues, then the answer is probably both yes and no. It takes people time to process stuff that's so outside of what they're used to. She might seem accepting at first, freak out after a bit, and then finally come to terms with all that it means and become supportive. But you should definitely give them the chance. We ask so much of people by trying to change their entire view of gender in seconds. While we've had years, possibly our entire lives to think about it all. It's only fair that we allow them time, too.

And can we trust them? Of course we can. Just like with any other trust, there's always some chance you'll get burned. But assuming the worst can't possibly help.


It's a two way street, and many get so wrapped up in themselves, they forget their loved ones have problems too.
I never forget this, but WOW is it difficult balancing things out when most of her problems are related to my transition. :P

[Nicki B]

It's my observation that the only time genetic women may have a big problem about this, it's when it's their partner - because that then changes the way they (and potentially others) measure themselves? :strugglin


But, for those women who are not partners, I find it's very easy to talk and make friendships? Just be prepared that they're mentally putting you in a slot with their other girlfriends, so make sure you don't abuse that?

[helenr]

thanks, so many serious, thoughtful comments. I appreciate all the candor. I actually am getting along better with my wife than in many years. Going through cancer radiation really was hard on both of us-perhaps harder on her. Heck, if I die, maybe I will come back as a GG--but please not in the Arab world or any third world countries where women are abused. Seriously, my wife knows about Helen (maybe not by name) and she tolerates, maybe accepts since my life expectancy isn't that of someone who hasn't had skin cancer treatment. Maybe values me more! wow, what a way to gain some empowerment!
I am sure that our 23 year old son is a major concern of MaryAnn-she fears it will freak him out. I suspect W knows dad is different.I confess to fearing he may not be interested in women, maybe gay--this is another cross I bear, that my goofy genes through him for a loop-in a different direction! It is hard to stop beating oneself up in life it seems.
I don't have much regard for 45 minute hours with a shrink for $100. I get more good input from the other members here. thank you! Helen

[Sally24]

My wife is my best friend and I tell her everything, the good and the bad. She is accepting, and ecouraging but has her own issues from time to time. That is reality. She has her best GG friend to confide in too and I have my best T-girl friend to talk to. Everyone needs an outlet where they can talk about anything. I feel fortunate that I have several people I can "spill it all" to.

[Lisa Golightly]

Oh hundreds of people know me, but I have three very close friends... The first is my absolutely best friend who I simply trust with my life. Anything from a bad dream to just listening... I love him to bits. He was the first boy I ever told about being a crossdresser and he's coped with it all... From being a hetrosexual male to transsexual female very attracted to men. I'm constantly amazed at his ability to follow where I wander... I just simply love him. :)

The second is a girl... known her for 15 years and again has followed me on the same journey as he has. She's been great for talking about my changing body and sexuality... Even on understanding male dating etiquette... I simply did not have a clue (I was never an average guy and I was simply bewildered by how to read men).

The third is a long term business colleague... After the death of my father he's really become a substitute 'Dad' Our relative ages reflect this dynamic... He's seen me in floods of tears and tantrums during my worst 'hormonequakes', is always there when I'm in trouble, and has been bored rigid no doubt by my positive enthusing about a certain guy... awwwww.

They keep me sane... they keep me happy... and I trust them all implicitly. I simply love all three to bits.

[Kayla Shadows]

Yes we can.Everybody deserves a trust until proven otherwise.Assuming is bad.

I cant say that was always easy.The way people have treated me,even in male mode,started to change me a in ways I didn't want.Since a lot of stuff has been uprooted,I feel so much better and its great to just feel me again.

First,there is DD who a lot of people know here.I know I can trust her with anything.There is no question or doubt about the person she is at all.

The second "coming clean" with it was to another GG friend.She had questions which I think is normal but,nothing has changed.There are just more things we can talk about.

Third was another GG friend who didnt even seem to blink at the fact.It was amazing.

The fourth is a story that shall be unfolding.I want to hear what other people have done so Im probably gonna post something in the cd forum.

In the end,trust is important.Trust the people you care about and dont assume the ones you just meet to be untrustworthy until you see otherwise.They are gonna want the same thing in being able to trust you.People need to know that their friends believe in them.

[KaraChristine]

One of the tougher, wiser women on here once responded to a whiny post of mine by reminding me that we don't have the right to dictate how someone else feels about our transition. As long as they are polite and civil to us it doesn't matter if they like it, are accepting, hate it, etc. - it's their right to have their own reaction and it doesn't mean that we can't still trust them to treat us fairly.

As far as knowing who to confide in, it seems like one of the advantages of getting older is a deeper sense of your own intuition. All the lessons you've learned in your life up to this point are quietly whispering in your ear every day in the form of your feelings toward people and events. I think you should relax and listen to how you feel about the people around you - hopefully your heart will tell you who to truly trust.

[Kelli Michelle]

In reply to the main question, "can we believe others' acceptance?". That's a tough one. Depends on the person, how well you know them, their experiences, etc. I know of, and have heard of many people who have said they were accepting, then later, they said they just went along for various reasons. They meant well, but really it was difficult for them, and they never really got past it. So one never really knows.

I do believe that it's even harder for wives or sos to accept cding from their own spouse/so. My wife has always said it wouldn't bother her in the least if a friend's husband was a cder....she just doesn't want her man doing it.

Still, to go along in life doubting what appears to be support (again examine what you know about the person), compaassion, etc, seems to be too over analytical. Unless you have a reason to suspect it's not genuine, than accept it their acceptance!

[helenr]

so many double standards in life. fine for a GG to be outdoorsy, go hunting, camping, all sort of traditional male activities. I am good with this. But when a male wishes to explore his feminine side, it becomes a joke line as on a TV sitcom. Let's face it, most women need to have a definite male figure to provide a 'framework' to highlight their own feminity. almost like the movie star scenes at award events--the man is supposed to be the 'foil' to showcase the lady in the gorgeous or otherwise gown. I don't object to all this public display, would be nice to get some more empathy at home, though. I am sure this is why the majority of participants in Crossdressers.com continue in the closet to a large extent-they know better than to risk so much-when women speak about desiring a male to be open, show the softer side-this is only politically correct talk, they really don't seek or desire this in their men. this is a BIG generalization but how I believe women are hard wired. again, just my opinion. I salute those of you who apparently have wives that are the exception.

[Nicki B]

so many double standards in life. fine for a GG to be outdoorsy, go hunting, camping, all sort of traditional male activities. I am good with this. But when a male wishes to explore his feminine side, it becomes a joke line as on a TV sitcom. Let's face it, most women need to have a definite male figure to provide a 'framework' to highlight their own feminity. almost like the movie star scenes at award events--the man is supposed to be the 'foil' to showcase the lady in the gorgeous or otherwise gown. I don't object to all this public display, would be nice to get some more empathy at home, though. I am sure this is why the majority of participants in Crossdressers.com continue in the closet to a large extent-they know better than to risk so much-when women speak about desiring a male to be open, show the softer side-this is only politically correct talk, they really don't seek or desire this in their men. this is a BIG generalization but how I believe women are hard wired. again, just my opinion. I salute those of you who apparently have wives that are the exception.

Helen, are you talking specifically about your partner, here, or friends?

That, to me, is where the line is, often (but not always) - when the bedroom gets involved.

It's not hard (at all) to find women who will treat you as just part of the sisterhood, IME - although certainly it helps if the first side of you they meet is 'her', not 'him'?